Never Piss Off a House-Elf

Albus Dumbledore strode casually through the door, his eyes twinkling. Ron Weasley, who had gotten up off the floor and onto his feet was still seething at Severus Snape, who was in turn sneering at Hermione Granger, who was letting her eyes ping-pong between the two men.


"Severus, my dear boy, did you need me for something?" Albus said, taking in the scene before him. "Mr. Weasley, surely you could back away from the Professor. He has. . . space issues."


"Albus, we have a situation. Miss Granger here has done something so stupid it is on a level with the actions of the dunderheads she insists on spending her time with," Severus Snape said, his hand still tight around Hermione's wrist.


"Stop tattling, Severus. It never did become you," Albus scolded. He turned to Hermione. "Miss Granger, if you would be so kind as to tell us exactly what you've done since you heard about the Marriage Law?"


"I'll tell you when the Professor lets me go," Hermione said, trying to turn the situation to her advantage. Snape glared at her before throwing her wrist away from himself. His eyes were slitted as he sneered at her. On impulse, Hermione growled at him, an age-old Gryffindor challenge. Snape hissed back, and Albus tried not to laugh.


"ENOUGH! Both of you sit. Two couches, opposite one another. You three," Albus said, turning to Harry, Ron and Ginny, "sit in that couch there while I pull up a chair for myself. Miss Granger is going to treat us to story-time, and I want all of us to hear this."


"Sir, I would appreciate it if Professor McGonagall were here as well," Hermione said, and Dumbledore shook his head.


"No, Miss Granger. There are more than enough representatives from Gryffindor House at this time. Perhaps I should find another Slytherin for Severus, though," the old wizard said thoughtfully, and the Potions Master glared at him. "Ah, I guess not. Your actions since the edict, Miss Granger?"


Hermione took her seat gracefully, composing herself mentally as her butt hit the plush piece of furniture.


"I heard about the law in the paper, of course, and it was an informative article, at least, I thought it was. I was naturally upset, and it made things worse. Finally, Satchel ~-- you know, the house-elf assigned to me ~-- suggested I do something proactive. I wrote up a letter and had him take it to Ronald, sealing a betrothal between the two of us," Hermione said, and both Severus Snape and Ron Weasley opened their mouths, but Albus silenced them with a look. "It wasn't long before I felt magic take hold, and I assumed that meant that everything had gone to plan. I worried when Satchel didn't come home till late, but I assumed that he had made a friend, and he told me that he met another elf, Miki, and liked her very much.


"After that, I readied myself to head for the Burrow. Everything was packed, we left my home and arrived at the apparition spot, Satchel put on his glamour, and we came here. I tried to greet Ron and the burning sensation started. Professor Snape felt it as well."


Albus nodded, then turned to Severus Snape. He arched an eyebrow, and the Potions Master cleared his throat to tell his own story.


"Mid-afternoon yesterday, my former house-elf, Satchel, appeared at my home at Spinner's End to petition my signature, which would allow him to enter into the service of Miss Granger. I was busy dealing with the newest addition to my house, a house-elf from Japan, Miki, when Satchel arrived, but I made the time to deal with his request. Strange as I found it, I also found it hard to deny such a loyal servant such a small request. Upon signing, I felt magic take hold, but having done such a thing before, I assumed that it was like the rest. Until. . . "Snape said, his voice trailing off.


"Until?" Albus prompted, and Severus glared at the older man.


"The magic settled in a very unsettling place," the Potions Master said quietly, and Hermione stared at him, nodding.


"Same here," she whispered, and she closed her eyes. "I can still feel it. It is actually a bit stronger than yesterday. Dear gods. . . what have I done?"


"I never got any letter from any house-elf. We got the feather late yesterday. No house-elf showed up on our doorstep," Ron said, looking from his headmaster to his teacher to the girl he'd loved for so long. "What the bloody hell does this mean?"


Albus turned to Ron and gave him a sad smile. He'd always wanted his favorite student to be happy, but he hadn't actually counted on this turn of events.


"It would appear that Severus and our dear Miss Granger are the unfortunate victims of house-elf meddling," Albus said, turning from Ron to twinkle at Severus and Hermione. "Congratulations are in order, I presume?"


"No, they are not, Albus. How the hell do we fix this?" Snape asked, his voice thick with anger. "How am I to teach if I have that" he pointed to Hermione, "attached to me?"


"I'm still here, you know, dear," Hermione said, her voice heated. "We just write up new papers, and break it off, and then I can marry whomever I like."


"That's not how it works," Ginny said softly from her place in Harry's arms. "Not this law, not this kind of betrothal. It is fully binding. That's why anyone under the age of consent has to jump through hoops, not only getting permission from the parents of guardians, but also an evaluation at the Ministry testifying to the fact that the people involved are mature and compatible."


"Well, Professor Snape and I are definitely not compatible," Hermione said. Snape's eyes narrowed. Why weren't they compatible, and why had she answered so quickly.


"But 'Mione, you're over the age of consent, and you sent the letter. The magic is binding," Harry said, his eyes sad for his friends. "We had to do all that so Gin and I could get engaged. But I thought Ron had already owled you about the entire thing."


Ron blushed. "I was going to, but Mum was using Pig to get some things for the wedding. I thought it could wait until Hermione came to the Burrow."


"Why didn't you apparate to my house and talk to me in person?!" Hermione screeched. Now she had someone to share the blame with.


"Because last time I apparated anywhere near your house, your mum beat me half to death with a broom for using 'blatant magic' so close to her practice!" Ron yelled. He and Hermione always communicated best by way of volume.


"Oh, so now you're going to compare my mum, who's never been anything but nice to you, save that one time, to the bloody Dursleys?!"


"Don't even try that, Hermione. I heard how your mum yelled at you before I left that day. She doesn't get it, and she never will!"


"Don't turn this into some trashy talk-show, Ronald Weasley. This isn't about that!"


"ENOUGH, I SAY!" Albus Dumbledore roared over the teenagers. Hermione's chest was heaving, her hair askew and her face flushed. Ron was red in the face and gasping for breath. "You know better than most that you should never attack someone's family like that, Mister Weasley. Miss Granger, this has been a serendipitous accident. Either spread the blame all around, or drop it completely."


"Headmaster, if I may have a moment to speak with. . . my fiancée," Snape said, his voice bitter and his face blank. Albus nodded and looked at the three teenagers who sat opposite him. "Take them with you."


Harry and Ginny got up and followed their headmaster without another word, but Albus had to put his hand on Ron's shoulder to break the spell he was under. Ron shook his head to clear it and followed his sister and best friend.


And then there were two.