Never A Memory

~The Hidden Dark Mark~





Six days later...

***



Draco Malfoy sat at the table by the window, in his room at St. Mary's, and wrote at a furious pace into the notebook he would bring with him to his appointment with Dr. Laeverton. The week prior, Dr. Laeverton had read his passages over and remarked that Mr. Smith was remembering at a faster rate than he would have expected; and that he looked forward to reading this week's memories. Draco knew that his notebook would have to be convincing in order to get out of this place, so he had spent the morning revising and rethinking all his written passages like his life depended on it.



Bane and Mettle watched him write from Draco's doorway. Mettle kept an eye on the Betties in the hall and ushered them away if they came too close. Bane kept his frosty blue eyes on Mr. Smith, watching how his white-blond hair fell into his cold, gray eyes and how he would suck in his bottom lip and draw his brows together in barely restrained annoyance when he ferociously began scribbling down something else into his notebook. Heat pooled in Bane's stomach and he shifted to hide his growing erection within the folds of his loose pants, all the while never taking his eyes from the man who drove him wild with his English snobbery and eyes as cold as the winter dawn.



Draco paused in his writing, his hand stilling over his notebook, feeling Bane's eyes on him like a pair of ice cubes sliding down his back. Draco raised his eyes and answered Bane's stare through the white-blond strands of his long bangs. Their obdurate stare was arctic and only when Draco stood to his feet did Bane look away.



Draco went to his closet and pulled out a white button-down shirt and a black, cashmere blazer and threw both articles of clothing on the bed. Draco shamelessly pulled off his shirt and Bane watched him through his dark lashes, like Draco knew he would. Draco reached for the white shirt on his bed but paused when he heard Mettle gasp behind him.



Draco turned and glared coldly at Mettle. "What is it Mettle?"



"Your tat, boss," Mettle murmured nervously, his beady eyes darting between Bane and Draco. "Just didn't know you had one, 's all."



Draco frowned and tried to look over his shoulder at the skin of his back. When that didn't help, Draco moved into the bathroom and opened the mirrored medicine cabinet at an angle so he could get a clearer picture of his back. Mettle was right; a small tattoo of a serpent twining out of a skull's mouth was etched into the skin between his shoulder blades. Draco glanced at the inner part of his forearm and noticed for the first time what looked like a myriad of criss-crossing scars, so faint, one could barely notice the jagged lines across Draco's skin. Draco looked at the tattoo on his back in the mirror's reflection and thought it was about the same size as the scarring on his forearm.



Suddenly, Draco felt a burst of sensation across his back, an echo of pain rather than the real thing, and Draco saw himself in a bathroom, speaking to a transparent girl, and trying to cut something out of his arm. Then the black-haired boy with the round glasses was there and Draco lifted a small stick and pointed it at him, fear and anger knotting his insides.



Draco blinked and the images were gone. Draco reemerged from the bathroom to find Bane staring openly at him again. Draco ignored him and went to his bed, picking up the shirt and the blazer and putting them on. After fixing the collar to lay just so around his neck, Draco picked up the notebook filled with lies and walked across the room. Mettle went into the hall but Draco grabbed Bane's arm, stopping him and forcing him to look into Draco's gray and unforgiving eyes.



"There is only one thing you need to know about me, you miserable piece of wank," Draco hissed in a voice so low, only the two of them could hear it. "I am untouchable. Keep your filthy fantasies to yourself."



Bane's thin lips curved into a cruel smile and Draco wondered why his blood beat faster at the sight of it. "No one is untouchable in St. Mary's," Bane murmured.



Draco was quiet for half a moment before he shoved Bane against the doorframe. Draco's eyes burned like ashen coal in a fire as he glared at Bane. "The second I perceive that as a threat, I'll kill you myself, mate."



Abruptly letting Bane go, Draco turned on his heel and strode down the hall, disappearing into the Ward.



"What the hell was that all about?" Mettle asked worriedly.



Bane turned his cruel smile on Mettle but said nothing.



***



"So, what have you discovered about yourself during these past two weeks?" Dr. Laeverton inquired, closing Draco's notebook.



Draco stopped himself from snorting dismissively and placed his elbows on his knees, peering through his bangs at the Doc. "That I've always hated jello, I have an extreme low tolerance for stupidity, and that I must've been quite popular during grade school," Draco said, the lies pouring from his mouth close enough to truths to keep him from batting an eye as he spoke them.



Dr. Laeverton nodded slowly. "And what does that mean to you, Mr. Smith?"



Draco shrugged. "Who doesn't hate jello?"



Dr. Laeverton smiled indulgently. "I quite enjoy it myself, Mr. Smith."



"You would," Draco muttered under his breath, sitting back in is seat.



"What I mean to ask is," Dr. Laeverton continued, "what does that mean to you about your own personality?"



Draco sighed. "I don't know."



"Sure you do," Dr. Laeverton prodded.



Draco spread his hands in an exasperated fashion. "That I'm a snob? That feeling nothing but disdain for you and everyone else here makes me a conceited prat? I don't know Doctor, you tell me. You're the expert."



Dr. Laeverton's smile widened. "It seems you are discovering more about yourself than you give yourself credit for, Mr. Smith."



Draco's lip curled. "Oh, piss off. I can't help what I am."



Dr. Laeverton nodded. "Yes, but it is your choices that define you. How have your choices defined you here St. Mary's?"



Draco thought of Bane; and then he thought of Nina. "That I can show a level of tolerance to anyone...as long as I feel they may be able to serve me in some way or another."



"Which is natural to every human being I've ever encountered," Dr. Laeverton mused. "Your honesty on the matter tells me that you've often pondered this."



Draco said nothing.



Dr. Laeverton re-opened the notebook and flipped to a certain page. "It seems here that something Nina said to you struck a nerve."



Draco leaned forward to read the passage. '...and then she said, "Nobility isn't about being better than others, it's about being better than you used to be." I understood it somehow, but, at the same time, it frightened me...'



Draco frowned. He had thought he placed that passage in his other notebook. Draco shrugged at the Doc and remained silent.



"Are you trying to be noble?" Dr. Laeverton asked. "Is that a goal for you?"



Draco didn't answer right away but Dr. Laeverton was patient and waited. "I know I'm trying to be different," Draco said slowly. "Not necessarily 'good', in the strictest sense of the word...but different. Better, maybe. And I know I've felt this way long before I lost my memory. That it's an on-going struggle for me, to differentiate between what was expected of me and what I want...and what I want to be."



Dr. Laeverton nodded and scribbled down a few notes.



"I'm always going to be a snob, Doctor, that much is clear to me," Draco continued softly, staring off into some place Dr. Laeverton couldn't see. "I'm always going to look down my nose at people I feel I am better than. I'm always going to be a sneak and use my resourcefulness to manipulate others and lean towards the darker pleasures in life."



Draco thought of how his heart had beat so excitedly in his ears when Bane had turned his cruel smile on him, how that smile had hinted towards dark, unspoken things and that it made his blood quicken and set his body on fire with masochistic desire. Draco took in a deep breath and let it out shakily. He knew that it was those darker, unspoken things that beckoned to him when he was most quiet with himself. When he was silent in his room and heard his mind whisper tauntingly to him, trying to convince him that he was kidding himself for trying to be more than what everyone had always thought he was.



"And that's what frightens me the most," Draco said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I can't be completely hateful...and I can't be completely good, either. So what does that make me? Sometimes I'm afraid of remembering. I'm afraid that my memories will tell me that I'm a terrible person without any hope of redeeming myself. And I can't help feeling that I wasn't supposed to survive. That whatever happened that gave me this--"Draco gestured to his scar."--was my coward's way of making up for what I was before. And now that I am alive, I have to figure myself out all over again. Doctor, I don't know if I can do that."



Dr. Laeverton was writing rapidly in his notes when Draco had finished and looked up at the young man. His gray eyes looked dull and beaten and his whole body spoke of extreme exhaustion. Dr. Laeverton put his pen down and laced his fingers in front of him. "What would it mean to you if you tried?"



Draco closed his eyes and briefly saw the man with the green eyes and the tattoo etched into his own back. "That I will be alone."



"And why do you feel that?"



"Because everyone who knew me as I was either worshipped me or hated me. If I am different now, no one will trust me."



***



Draco returned to his room more annoyed than when he left it and threw his notebook as hard as he could against the far wall. The Eagle Owl, alarmed, raised his black ear tufts and bellowed a worried hoot.



"Shut up," Draco spat at the bird. "You're not helping."



The Eagle Owl ruffled his feathers indignantly before spreading his massive wings and flying off. Draco sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his hands. Slowly, Draco's eyes ran the length of his left forearm until they rested on the patch of skin that was marred with faint scarring. Draco reached to the night stand by his bed and grabbed a pen in the top drawer. Shaking it for a moment to get the ink inside to slide to the point, Draco put the ball point to the scarred skin and began drawing the tattoo on his back onto his arm. When he was finished, a boiling mix of horror and hate churned his stomach and rose up the back of his throat as he stared at the snake pouring from the skull’s mouth.



Jumping to his feet, Draco ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. He retched and retched until there was nothing left and he was succumbed to sobbing against the porcelain. His wracking sobs were interrupted by the sound of someone entering his room. Quickly, Draco wiped at his face and stood to his feet by the time the intruder came into view.



Bane stared at Draco with a mixture of curiosity and residual contempt, his mouth a thin line on his face. Draco glared back at Bane, his whole body trembling with rage.



"I warned you, Bane," Draco whispered, the sound of his voice like shattering glass. "I warned you."



Bane smiled his cruel smile and took a step forward, the gleam in his eye predatory and maniacal.



Suddenly, the bedroom and the bathroom began to shake. The light from the bathroom and the lamp on the nightstand began to flicker sporadically. Anything that wasn’t bolted to the floor rose into the air and sped around the rooms in strange, frantic patterns. Energy snapped and sizzled around Draco as his rage began to manifest itself as wandless, uncontrollable magic.



Draco raised his hand and closed it into a fist, while doing so; Bane rose into the air and clawed at his throat. As Draco tightened his fingers, Bane's air supply was cut off and his pale, blue eyes bulged. Bane began kicking his feet wildly as Draco held him there and Draco took a step forward, out of the bathroom, pushing Bane towards his bedroom's door as he did so.



Abruptly, Draco shook his head and tried to get a handle on what was happening to him. Draco abruptly flicked his wrist, releasing his magical hold on Bane and sending Bane staggering against the door. Draco approached the gasping Bane and reached out, curling his fingers around the older man's throat. "Get out," Draco spat before letting him go and backing away.



Terrified, Bane stared back up at Draco as the room around them began to calm and the levitating objects and flickering lights returned to normal. Finally, Bane scrambled to his feet, opened the door, threw himself out, and closed the door behind him with a resounding thud.



Draco looked at his hands, energy still spiking around them, and saw black stars creep into the edge of his gaze. Draco looked around his room and swayed as the room swam in his gaze.



Draco lifted his hand to his scar and promptly passed out.