Light on the Dark Side of Me
folder
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Snape
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
34
Views:
37,510
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Snape
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
34
Views:
37,510
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Getting to know you
Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed some one- to two-liners from OoP. Thanks JKR.
Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 8: Getting to know you
Occlumency lessons were as demanding and maddening as ever. Harry noted in frustration that although he was improving, Snape would always increase the difficulty to match his improvements – making sure he felt as incompetent as always. As a result, the sessions had become so exhausting that Snape thankfully limited them to once weekly. Harry was glad of it – he was sure his brain would be fried beyond recognition if they attempted any more. True to Snape’s promise in their last session, today he had increased the challenge and complexity of their lesson almost exponentially.
Harry steadied himself and barely heard Snape mutter the spell to gain entrance before...
Harry was in the graveyard - tied tightly, helpless to prevent what was about to happen. Struggling in vain as the point of the shiny silver dagger moved towards his arm, penetrating him.
“No!” Harry didn’t want Snape to see this – this was too emotional, too raw, even now. Please stop! he thought to Snape. No response. He was becoming dizzy, he knew he was about to pass out.
The memory stopped, and Harry found himself in that all too familiar position – lying prone on the ground, gasping for breath.
Snape was standing over him, scowling contemptuously at him, “Potter, you need to concentrate, you idiot child! How do you expect to ever learn this if you don’t listen? You know what you need to do...now do it!”
Harry gave Snape a murderous glance. Snape returned it and spat, “Is there something you want to say to me, Potter?”
“No sir.”
“Then get up off the floor.”
Snape gave Harry a minute to catch his breath before invading his mind once again. He could not believe that Snape had nearly managed to match the rawness of the last memory with another. How did he do that?
‘Come out, come out little Harry. Did you love him, little baby Potter?’ Swelling fury and then his own voice shouting ‘Crucio!’ Bellatrix only knocked off her feet by the spell. Her response – cruel and taunting: ‘Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy? You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain – to enjoy it... I’ll show you how it is done, shall I? I’ll give you a lesson –’
Hatred overwhelmed Harry, but somehow he managed to fight against it and expel Snape from his mind.
“Not bad,” Snape said.
Harry said nothing. He was still seething from the memory of that...that woman.
“Quite the demented bitch, isn’t she?” Snape said with a smirk.
Harry was stunned for a moment, but replied, “Hell yeah.” Was Snape being sympathetic, Harry wondered? Not possible!
“Alright then Potter, one more time. Something a bit more challenging, I daresay. Something tied to sense memory perhaps.”
“Tied to what?” Harry started to ask, but was cut off by Snape lifting his wand, urging him to get ready.
Harry was in the graveyard once more. ‘And here is the boy you all believed had been my downfall.’ Voldemort turning to face him, raising his wand and shouting, ‘Crucio!’ Harry’s body in absolute agony – pain beyond imagination – his bones on fire, his head splitting open, his eyes rolling wildly in his head. Harry heard himself screaming and wondered vaguely if it was the memory or if he was screaming now – the pain seemed almost real to him in that moment, and suddenly he understood what Snape had meant about sense memory. He wanted it to end...he wanted to black out...he wanted...
Snape stopped his invasion. Harry was lying on the ground again, his body twitching slightly. Slowly, he got up off the floor and noticed that Snape was studying him carefully.
“Did you want to die, Potter?” Snape asked. Harry was surprised that there appeared to be none of the usual snark behind the question.
“Yes,” Harry answered honestly.
A short silence was followed by Snape’s whispered response. “He’ll do that to you.”
Harry watched as Snape poured himself a large glass of scotch. He is being sympathetic! Harry thought.
“Would you care for some scotch, Potter?”
Harry’s eyes widened in shock. “Yes sir,” he replied.
After sitting down in his usual spot on the couch across from Snape, Harry could not refrain from asking the one question burning in his mind, “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Go there...to Vol—” Harry stopped at the infuriated look on Snape’s face. “...to Him,” Harry revised.
“I have no choice.”
“Of course you do. You could stay here at Hogwarts and just not go.”
Snape took a large sip of his drink, “Such a choice is not for men like me, Potter.”
A long moment of silence stretched between them.
“Does it always hurt like that?” Harry asked.
“Yes,” Snape said without hesitation. “The trick is to learn how to bear the pain without losing your mind to it and to have a strong enough resolve to regain your faculties immediately afterwards.”
“Will you teach me how to do that?”
Snape snorted in combined annoyance and amusement, “I’m sure that the Headmaster would love that! Are you insane, Potter? The Cruciatus is an Unforgivable – I thought that imposter Moody taught you about them! If not, Lestrange sure tried to.”
“Sorry sir,” Harry managed, taking another sip of the scotch. It burned his throat, but he wouldn’t have given it up for anything – it was Snape’s first unparalleled attempt at camaraderie between them. And it tasted good. He stretched himself out on the couch.
After their Occlumency sessions, Harry often found himself too exhausted to go straight back to Gryffindor tower. So he would lie down on the sitting room couch, drink tea and eat a substantial snack – usually the size of a second dinner, as Snape often pointed out. Just as he was getting comfortable, a house elf appeared on cue with his food and he began eating.
On such evenings, sometimes, if he felt up to it, he would help Snape grade first and second year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw Potions homework. Harry had been shocked the first time he had offered to do so and Snape had accepted. Most of the time, however, he would read for a bit before going up to dormitory. And sometimes he would fall asleep on the couch, only to be woken by Snape and urged to go to bed. He had been surprised the first time he had dozed off. At the time, the idea that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in the same room as Snape was hard to believe. But Harry soon found that, in fact, he enjoyed sleeping there. Yes it was a couch – an uncomfortable one at that – but he felt safe in that room, with Snape so close to him.
And tonight Snape had offered him scotch! Another not so subtle sign that the two of them were getting along – if you could call it that. A few months ago, if someone had told him he’d be drinking scotch with Snape in his private quarters on a friday night he would have thought them insane.
And while Snape was certainly learning a lot about Harry through his memories, Harry was also learning a lot about Snape. Not via Legilimency, he didn’t have that advantage, but just by spending so much time with the man. They were little things, Harry mused – but for such a private man as Snape, the smallest pieces of information were priceless. Snape often had scotch in the evenings – always single malt. And on the occasions that they started their lessons early and ordered dinner in, Harry had noticed that Snape was quite the epicure. When it came to traditional foods, he had a discriminating taste, but he was also very adventurous, eager to try new ethnic dishes, however strange and unappealing they appeared to be. Despite not being the biggest fan of tea, Snape seemed quite fond of ginger honey tea and became unnaturally calm when he drank it.
Harry also came to realize that Snape was a great teacher. If only Ron could hear me now, Harry mused with a grin. Harry had never thought about all the work Snape had or the fact that he actually had to grade all their homework – he had always assumed Snape just gave grades semi-randomly. But to Harry’s surprise, Snape was fairly meticulous with his grading and took his job as a teacher very seriously. Harry wondered how he could have ever believed different about this man.
Snape also enjoyed and excelled in chess. In fact, he had 5 different games going with various unknown persons by owl. Not surprisingly, Snape was obsessed with books and barely ever stopped reading. But Harry was surprised when one evening he noticed a letter on Snape’s desk commending him on his 100th publication, and asking him to lead the editorial board for Potions Quarterly. It had never occurred to Harry that Snape was more than Hogwarts’ Potions Master – that he published his research and that he was a highly respected scholar in his field. Once again, he wondered how he could have ever thought differently.
Now, watching Snape politely ask the house elf for some more ginger honey tea, Harry added another little fact about Snape to his list. He treated the house elves with the sort of respect he expected from Dumbledore.
“I’ve noticed you’re very nice to the house elves, sir.”
“They may be dumb enough to think they want to be enslaved, but that’s certainly no reason to treat them that way.”
“If Hermione were here, she would kiss you,” Harry blurted out with a smile.
“Indeed?” Snape asked mischievously.
Harry flushed a bit and explained Hermione’s work with SPEW to Snape. He seemed impressed.
“...Ron thinks it’s stupid though,” Harry finished.
“Yes, Mr. Weasley...intolerant as ever,” Snape commented.
“Yes,” Harry said, remembering his comments about Snape regarding his rumored sexual preference. He added, “...about a lot of things.”
Snape did not miss a beat, “Ms. Granger, on the other hand, I daresay is quite the opposite. Am I correct in that assumption?”
“Yeah, she’s big into equal rights and all.”
Snape’s voice lowered a bit, “It seems to me that she would make an excellent confidant for issues of a...personal nature.”
Harry knew instantly that Snape was referring to the revealing fantasy he had seen in Harry’s mind two weeks ago. He couldn’t believe that Snape had brought that up. And that he was giving him advice on whom to speak to about it! If he only knew that that fantasy was about him! I’d certainly never be sitting here drinking scotch with him, that’s for sure.
-----------------------
A/N: Please review. Thanks for all your positive comments - you all keep me going!
In the next chapter, ‘A little too close or not close enough?’ Harry has his hardest Occlumency lesson yet as they confront the memory from chpt4 head on. Will Harry crumble? Will Snape let him?
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed some one- to two-liners from OoP. Thanks JKR.
Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 8: Getting to know you
Occlumency lessons were as demanding and maddening as ever. Harry noted in frustration that although he was improving, Snape would always increase the difficulty to match his improvements – making sure he felt as incompetent as always. As a result, the sessions had become so exhausting that Snape thankfully limited them to once weekly. Harry was glad of it – he was sure his brain would be fried beyond recognition if they attempted any more. True to Snape’s promise in their last session, today he had increased the challenge and complexity of their lesson almost exponentially.
Harry steadied himself and barely heard Snape mutter the spell to gain entrance before...
Harry was in the graveyard - tied tightly, helpless to prevent what was about to happen. Struggling in vain as the point of the shiny silver dagger moved towards his arm, penetrating him.
“No!” Harry didn’t want Snape to see this – this was too emotional, too raw, even now. Please stop! he thought to Snape. No response. He was becoming dizzy, he knew he was about to pass out.
The memory stopped, and Harry found himself in that all too familiar position – lying prone on the ground, gasping for breath.
Snape was standing over him, scowling contemptuously at him, “Potter, you need to concentrate, you idiot child! How do you expect to ever learn this if you don’t listen? You know what you need to do...now do it!”
Harry gave Snape a murderous glance. Snape returned it and spat, “Is there something you want to say to me, Potter?”
“No sir.”
“Then get up off the floor.”
Snape gave Harry a minute to catch his breath before invading his mind once again. He could not believe that Snape had nearly managed to match the rawness of the last memory with another. How did he do that?
‘Come out, come out little Harry. Did you love him, little baby Potter?’ Swelling fury and then his own voice shouting ‘Crucio!’ Bellatrix only knocked off her feet by the spell. Her response – cruel and taunting: ‘Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy? You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain – to enjoy it... I’ll show you how it is done, shall I? I’ll give you a lesson –’
Hatred overwhelmed Harry, but somehow he managed to fight against it and expel Snape from his mind.
“Not bad,” Snape said.
Harry said nothing. He was still seething from the memory of that...that woman.
“Quite the demented bitch, isn’t she?” Snape said with a smirk.
Harry was stunned for a moment, but replied, “Hell yeah.” Was Snape being sympathetic, Harry wondered? Not possible!
“Alright then Potter, one more time. Something a bit more challenging, I daresay. Something tied to sense memory perhaps.”
“Tied to what?” Harry started to ask, but was cut off by Snape lifting his wand, urging him to get ready.
Harry was in the graveyard once more. ‘And here is the boy you all believed had been my downfall.’ Voldemort turning to face him, raising his wand and shouting, ‘Crucio!’ Harry’s body in absolute agony – pain beyond imagination – his bones on fire, his head splitting open, his eyes rolling wildly in his head. Harry heard himself screaming and wondered vaguely if it was the memory or if he was screaming now – the pain seemed almost real to him in that moment, and suddenly he understood what Snape had meant about sense memory. He wanted it to end...he wanted to black out...he wanted...
Snape stopped his invasion. Harry was lying on the ground again, his body twitching slightly. Slowly, he got up off the floor and noticed that Snape was studying him carefully.
“Did you want to die, Potter?” Snape asked. Harry was surprised that there appeared to be none of the usual snark behind the question.
“Yes,” Harry answered honestly.
A short silence was followed by Snape’s whispered response. “He’ll do that to you.”
Harry watched as Snape poured himself a large glass of scotch. He is being sympathetic! Harry thought.
“Would you care for some scotch, Potter?”
Harry’s eyes widened in shock. “Yes sir,” he replied.
After sitting down in his usual spot on the couch across from Snape, Harry could not refrain from asking the one question burning in his mind, “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Go there...to Vol—” Harry stopped at the infuriated look on Snape’s face. “...to Him,” Harry revised.
“I have no choice.”
“Of course you do. You could stay here at Hogwarts and just not go.”
Snape took a large sip of his drink, “Such a choice is not for men like me, Potter.”
A long moment of silence stretched between them.
“Does it always hurt like that?” Harry asked.
“Yes,” Snape said without hesitation. “The trick is to learn how to bear the pain without losing your mind to it and to have a strong enough resolve to regain your faculties immediately afterwards.”
“Will you teach me how to do that?”
Snape snorted in combined annoyance and amusement, “I’m sure that the Headmaster would love that! Are you insane, Potter? The Cruciatus is an Unforgivable – I thought that imposter Moody taught you about them! If not, Lestrange sure tried to.”
“Sorry sir,” Harry managed, taking another sip of the scotch. It burned his throat, but he wouldn’t have given it up for anything – it was Snape’s first unparalleled attempt at camaraderie between them. And it tasted good. He stretched himself out on the couch.
After their Occlumency sessions, Harry often found himself too exhausted to go straight back to Gryffindor tower. So he would lie down on the sitting room couch, drink tea and eat a substantial snack – usually the size of a second dinner, as Snape often pointed out. Just as he was getting comfortable, a house elf appeared on cue with his food and he began eating.
On such evenings, sometimes, if he felt up to it, he would help Snape grade first and second year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw Potions homework. Harry had been shocked the first time he had offered to do so and Snape had accepted. Most of the time, however, he would read for a bit before going up to dormitory. And sometimes he would fall asleep on the couch, only to be woken by Snape and urged to go to bed. He had been surprised the first time he had dozed off. At the time, the idea that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in the same room as Snape was hard to believe. But Harry soon found that, in fact, he enjoyed sleeping there. Yes it was a couch – an uncomfortable one at that – but he felt safe in that room, with Snape so close to him.
And tonight Snape had offered him scotch! Another not so subtle sign that the two of them were getting along – if you could call it that. A few months ago, if someone had told him he’d be drinking scotch with Snape in his private quarters on a friday night he would have thought them insane.
And while Snape was certainly learning a lot about Harry through his memories, Harry was also learning a lot about Snape. Not via Legilimency, he didn’t have that advantage, but just by spending so much time with the man. They were little things, Harry mused – but for such a private man as Snape, the smallest pieces of information were priceless. Snape often had scotch in the evenings – always single malt. And on the occasions that they started their lessons early and ordered dinner in, Harry had noticed that Snape was quite the epicure. When it came to traditional foods, he had a discriminating taste, but he was also very adventurous, eager to try new ethnic dishes, however strange and unappealing they appeared to be. Despite not being the biggest fan of tea, Snape seemed quite fond of ginger honey tea and became unnaturally calm when he drank it.
Harry also came to realize that Snape was a great teacher. If only Ron could hear me now, Harry mused with a grin. Harry had never thought about all the work Snape had or the fact that he actually had to grade all their homework – he had always assumed Snape just gave grades semi-randomly. But to Harry’s surprise, Snape was fairly meticulous with his grading and took his job as a teacher very seriously. Harry wondered how he could have ever believed different about this man.
Snape also enjoyed and excelled in chess. In fact, he had 5 different games going with various unknown persons by owl. Not surprisingly, Snape was obsessed with books and barely ever stopped reading. But Harry was surprised when one evening he noticed a letter on Snape’s desk commending him on his 100th publication, and asking him to lead the editorial board for Potions Quarterly. It had never occurred to Harry that Snape was more than Hogwarts’ Potions Master – that he published his research and that he was a highly respected scholar in his field. Once again, he wondered how he could have ever thought differently.
Now, watching Snape politely ask the house elf for some more ginger honey tea, Harry added another little fact about Snape to his list. He treated the house elves with the sort of respect he expected from Dumbledore.
“I’ve noticed you’re very nice to the house elves, sir.”
“They may be dumb enough to think they want to be enslaved, but that’s certainly no reason to treat them that way.”
“If Hermione were here, she would kiss you,” Harry blurted out with a smile.
“Indeed?” Snape asked mischievously.
Harry flushed a bit and explained Hermione’s work with SPEW to Snape. He seemed impressed.
“...Ron thinks it’s stupid though,” Harry finished.
“Yes, Mr. Weasley...intolerant as ever,” Snape commented.
“Yes,” Harry said, remembering his comments about Snape regarding his rumored sexual preference. He added, “...about a lot of things.”
Snape did not miss a beat, “Ms. Granger, on the other hand, I daresay is quite the opposite. Am I correct in that assumption?”
“Yeah, she’s big into equal rights and all.”
Snape’s voice lowered a bit, “It seems to me that she would make an excellent confidant for issues of a...personal nature.”
Harry knew instantly that Snape was referring to the revealing fantasy he had seen in Harry’s mind two weeks ago. He couldn’t believe that Snape had brought that up. And that he was giving him advice on whom to speak to about it! If he only knew that that fantasy was about him! I’d certainly never be sitting here drinking scotch with him, that’s for sure.
-----------------------
A/N: Please review. Thanks for all your positive comments - you all keep me going!
In the next chapter, ‘A little too close or not close enough?’ Harry has his hardest Occlumency lesson yet as they confront the memory from chpt4 head on. Will Harry crumble? Will Snape let him?