How To Disappear Completely

How To Disappear Completely by KerryMuggle



Disclaimer: Alas, I don’t own any of this.



“Gender Bombs” from the album “Logic Will Break Your Heart” by my new obsession The Stills.





Chapter 8: Gender Bombs





“The girl will school you.”









Draco Malfoy walked into Severus Snape’s classroom right as Hermione stormed right past him.



“Hermione!”



She didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. A smile played on his lips as he realized that the man known as the “greasy git” must have pissed her off pretty badly. His mission of talking to her was out of question now.



“Severus!” Draco shouted as he walked into his chambers. He paced around wondering where he could be until he heard a muffled grunt down the corridor. He called his former Potions professors name as he stopped in front of what looked to be Hermione’s bedroom.



He stared in disbelief to see Severus Snape crouched down on the floor, a small bit of blood flowing from his nose.



“What happened to you?” Draco asked astonished.



“Miss Granger - that’s what.” Severus sneered, just now realizing the blood trailing to his lips.



“What did you do, or rather, what did she do?”



“Next time Albus Dumbledore gives me advice, remind me not to follow through with it. Just tell him to do it himself.”



“For the third time, what happened?”



“Help me up will you?” Snape asked with a hint of anger, or embarrassment, in his voice.

As soon as he straightened out his robes, he began the account of what happened. Draco went into Hermione’s bathroom and came out a few seconds later with a wet washcloth.



“I confronted her on the issue of what happened to her - how she needed to admit what had happened in order to move on with her life and what not. Well, it finally dawned on her just what she was doing and the thanks I got was a punch in the nose and a knee in the bloody…” waving his hand, indicating his lower regions.



Draco was beginning to laugh a bit, trying hard to stifle it.



“I don’t think it’s funny! I take the girl in, let her assume responsibilities for the first and second years and this is how she thanks me!” he said as he removed the cloth which had a huge spot of blood on it.



“I could have warned you about the punch.” Draco said.



Severus eyed Draco suspiciously with curiosity as to what he meant.



“Third year. Crabbe, Goyle, and I were on our way to see that Buckbeak creature have its head cut off and we met up with ‘the Trio’ on our way.”



“You’ve got to be shitting me? She punched you?”



“Yeah.” Draco said softly, trying to keep a hint of manliness in his body language. “The girls got a good hook. But I didn’t get the distinct pleasure of getting a knee in the ‘you know whats’”



“I can live to tell then. Why are you here anyway? Don’t you have some boggarts to release or something?”



“I came to see if Hermione was up for a walk. I had a free period and I haven’t really had a chance to talk with her ever since...well, you know.”



“Oh, I’m sure she’s bouncing off the walls somewhere in these halls.”



“Well, how is your research coming along?”



“We really haven’t had the chance to do anything in depth. I thought it best we spend the first few weeks getting used to all of the students. I usually don’t start any major research projects or experiments until after the first four weeks. It’s for the sake of my own sanity I suppose.”



“You know, she’s a wonderful woman. I’d like to believe that she hasn’t been the same since she was taken, but I think after what Weasley did she felt it necessary to somehow take the blame. But you could tell her that it wasn’t her fault over and over, but she would never take your word for it.”



Severus thought back to the day of the final battle. He didn’t get a close up view, but he did know that an avada kedavra was meant for her and Ron Weasley was the one it reached instead. It was almost an unspoken rule that the war and who was lost in it were never mentioned. Like a ghost that would remain if too much time and energy were devoted to it, Snape noticed that it was looked upon as a sad event but it was a necessity for them to be in the state that they were now. Yes, he killed, but it was what one had to do in order to survive. He had enough dark days in his life, ironic, that just when he thought they were over with, an act of revenge would put a stopper to them.





.....................................................................................................................................................



“I cannot believe I’m going to be stuck with that ... that ... thing!” Hermione said as she lay back on Ginny’s bed.



“Maybe it won’t be that bad.” Ginny said as she lay next to her friend, the both of them staring up at the ceiling.



“He took me on as an apprentice out of sympathy. I know it! Well, I don’t want his sympathy. I don’t want anyone’s!”



“Ok. First and foremost, breathe! Second, do you really think Severus Snape, dreaded potions master, would take someone on as an apprentice out of sympathy?”



“You’re right.” Hermione sighed with defeat. “It’s just, I’m so afraid everyone knows about what happened.”



“Hermione, no one knows besides the select few.”



“I know, but I have bouts of paranoia. I feel like everyone now looks at me and knows what happened.”



“But you don’t let them know. You cover yourself up as if we’re living on a polar ice cap. I don’t see how you don’t suffocate to be frank.”



“I get by.” Hermione said quietly.



“I assure you Hermione that the only ones who know will not spread it as if it were idle gossip.”



“I just wish I could find some space of normality. I’m comfortable, but it still feels so weird at times.”



“Would it make me a bad person to be glad that you’re going to stay at Hogwart’s?” Ginny asked. “I wish the circumstances were different, but...”



“There’s no point in dancing around it.”



“I think you will do well with Professor Snape.”



“Your optimism is a bad thing sometimes, Ginny!” Hermione said as she laughed slightly.



“Oh come on! I watched the way he visited you while everyone was waiting for you to wake up. He didn’t know I was there, but I was.”



“What do you mean?” Hermione asked, clearly puzzled.



“Snape visited you everyday. He was the one who brought you back to Hogwart’s. Don’t you remember?”



“I thought that was a dream.” Hermione whispered. “I remember waking up and seeing him there, but I didn’t know he brought me back.”



“He is a pompous ass, but he can be soft when he has to.” Ginny responded. “Don’t tell him I told you that. I have one more year of potions with that man.”



“You know being here just reminds me so much of Ron. I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if he would have...”



“Not jumped in front of you?” Ginny retorted.



“Yeah.”



“Hermione, it doesn’t help to dwell on the past. You loved him, we all did, but we have to move on. It’s the only thing we can do.”



“Does the guilt ever go away?”



“Yes. You have to surround yourself with the people you love; don’t push anyone away. I offer this advice to you now especially considering what happened to you.”



“I wouldn’t do that.” Hermione stated.



“But you are.” Ginny said softly. “I’m not going to ask what happened. To be honest, I saw your body when Snape first brought it back. That was enough to stop my curiosity. You push people away when you refuse to go to the dining halls for meals. You push people away when you don’t tell anyone what happened. You push people away when you stay shacked up in the dungeons.”



“Alright! I get it. Have I really been that bad?” Hermione asked.



“To say the least. I can only hope that you confide in someone - Snape even!”



“Yeah, right!” Hermione said with disbelief. “Lets not talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about you. How is everything Gryffindor head girl?”



“I’m fine. My stress levels aren’t too high as of now so I’m relishing in it.”



“You look happy. You have a glow.”



“Well, I’m in my seventh year. That should speak for itself!”



“Is there anyone special that is contributing to that?” Hermione asked.



“You just don’t waste any time do you?” Ginny asked with shock.



“Oh come on! Harry’s noticed something even!”



“I can’t talk much of it because of extenuating circumstances.” Ginny said firmly.



“It’s Draco isn’t it?” Hermione asked.



...........................................................................................................................................................



Severus Snape sat in his chambers next to the roaring fire, staring into the flames thinking about nothing in particular. His thoughts slightly lingered onto his apprentice. She hadn’t come back to the chambers since she left her parting gift. His nose was fine, but his other area of assault was still a little sensitive. He didn’t know whether to applaud her bravado or throw her out of his chambers and classroom.



He thought back to how he found her - bloodied and bruised. The words she spoke to him still haunted his thoughts every now and then.



“I knew you wouldn’t forget me.” he whispered as the image of her face flashed in his mind. He cradled a glass of firewhiskey, but somehow found the taste off ever since she admitted that it was the alcoholic beverage of choice for one of her violators. Still lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the door open.



“Professor,” he heard softly.



“Yes, Miss Granger," Severus said, without even turning to look at her.



“I just wanted to apologize for what I did today. That was wrong of me.”



“Granted.”



“I would believe it if you looked at me whilst saying it.” she replied.



Severus stood up and started to walk towards the liquor cabinet. He grabbed a bottle of what appeared to be vodka and two tumblers. He poured two glasses and handed her one.



“The apology is accepted Miss Granger. As much as it displeases me not to just have Albus place you with Minerva, I will ask that you do not resort to such violence when confronting your denials.”



Hermione was about to reply to that, but Snape appeared to know that she was going to and gave her a look that made her cease such a comment. She walked to the chair across from his, still not daring to drink what the glasses contents were.



“It’s not laced if you’re concerned about that. It’s just vodka.”



“It’s not that. I just don’t know what else to say. I spoke with Ginny and then visited Dumbledore for a little while. You can say that it cooled me off a bit more. He told me everything about how he left it in your hands to do what you did. It may come off as if I don’t appreciate it, but I do.” Hermione said softly.



“I’m glad to know my bloodied nose was worth it.” Snape said taking a swig, not daring to mention the other injury.



“You were right. I just didn’t want to admit it, or deal with it for that matter.”



“Your nightmares are a way of dealing with it.”



“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize that they were giving you trouble. I suppose I forgot the silencing charms.”



“To be honest, I think your screams could have broken past those. What I’m curious about Miss Granger is just why is it you never confided in anyone.”



“I don’t know. I’m so afraid that everyone will find out.”



“You’re not to blame for this, and you know it Hermione." Severus said, realizing that he used her first name. Her head perked up when she heard it. He had used her first name before, and before she could ask herself when, she had a quick flashback of him finding her.



"I knew you wouldn\'t forget me." Hermione whispered it to herself, knowing that the person she was sharing the room with didn\'t hear her.



Severus continued on, not aware of Hermione\'s realization.



"I myself have had such moments. You learn that if you blame yourself for every person you didn\'t save, you will never see a moments worth of peace."



“I know, but I can’t help but think that I could have done a better job protecting my parents. I could have pushed Ron out of the way. I could have fought back harder against those Death Eaters. I could have done so many things, but I didn’t.”



“You cannot bear the weight of all of that. It is not your responsibility to save everyone and everything!”



“That Harry’s job?” Hermione said with a bit of laughter, which soon led to soft tears floating down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”



“For what?” Severus asked.



“This!” Hermione said as she was trying to clear her tear ridden face. “Aren’t emotions a sign of weakness in your creed.”



“No.” Severus stated bluntly. “Silly, foolish ones are, but yours are deserved. I would not think less of you for that Miss Granger.”



“We’re back to formalities.” she replied.



Snape shuddered a bit at her comment. He was tempted to tell her that she could refer to his first name in private, but he didn’t feel comfortable with it just yet.



“You haven’t touched your vodka.” he said, quickly changing the subject.



“I’m not one for alcohol to be honest.”



Severus listened to her words and slowly started to trace his fingers around the brim of his glass. The silence was almost unbearable, but the crackling of the firewood seemed to be a worthy distraction for him. He contemplated asking her what happened to her - what truly happened to her, but what scared him was the fact that he was concerned.



The fact was that he liked her. Borderline attraction, maybe, but he was concerned about her. Here he was telling her to break through her denials and he himself was trying to protect his own. He sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her that though. He still wanted to know what happened. He wanted her side of the story. He wanted to hear her voice spell out the situation instead of relying on her scars and bruises doing it for her. Did she know how damaged she really was when he found her? He was too lost in thought when he heard her voice.



“Professor,"



“Yes, Miss Granger," he said, still not looking at her.



“Are you alright?”



“I’m fine. I was just thinking about something - research.” Severus said, applauding his somewhat quick retort.



“When will we be starting on research?”



“Soon. I don’t like to have a lot on my plate when it comes to research in the first few weeks of school.”



“You never struck me as someone who was concerned with that. I mean, you were a spy for years, an abundant plate must have some place of normality to you?”



“Unfortunately it did, but I surprise myself sometimes with what I choose not to do now that Voldemort is dead.”



“Professor," Hermione said softly before she continued. “When I was speaking with Ginny earlier, she mentioned that you were the one who found me. I...I didn’t realize it. I...I... wanted to thank you for doing that.”



“You\'re welcome," was all he could say as he looked at her. She had a gleam in her eyes that spoke of her appreciation. A slight smile played on her lips as she stared back down into her untouched vodka.



Again, an uncomfortable silence weighed into the room. Hermione shifted slightly before continuing. “Professor. I don’t remember much of what happened that night. I know it’s crazy to want to delve back into that kind of stuff, but, I need to know what happened.”



“There’s not much to know Miss Granger. I found you in that chamber. You were cold and I wrapped you in my cloak and brought you back to Hogwart’s while everyone else rounded up the remaining Death Eaters, including Indra Karnstein.” Snape left out just how bad she looked along with the fact that he caught a glimpse of her naked body.



“Oh.” she said, nodding her head, knowing that it wasn’t good enough.



“I don’t want to go into the all of the bloody details, for your sake alone. There were things I saw that I don’t think you would be keen on reliving. From what I\'ve heard, what they did to you was beyond horrendous, and it’s not that I don’t think you will take it well, but it is better to move on instead of dwell on what has happened.”



“I still haven’t seen my parents graves." Hermione mentioned.



“I know, and I wish I could say otherwise, but Dumbledore refuses to take any chances.”



“Couldn’t I just change my appearance? I mean, Dumbledore and the Ministry are the only ones who really know where they are buried. I need to say goodbye! I need to know where they are!” she pleaded with desperation.



Severus remained quiet. “You will see them again. I can’t tell you when or how, but you will get that chance.”



Hermione scuffed a bit in frustration. She leaned back into the chair and began to speak to no one in particular. Her neck was exposed as she turned her head to the left and placed her vision towards the wall. Severus watched her, curiously as she began to speak, not really caring if he heard a word she muttered.



“I just want to be new again. I constantly take showers, two, sometimes three a day because I never feel clean. It’s like something that’s invaded my body, a disease, that I’ll never be able to get out. I don’t feel whole or complete. I feel like there’s something missing and I don’t even know what it is, or where to look for it.”



With those words, she sat up and downed the glass of vodka. Severus widened his eyes at the sight. He understood where she was coming from oddly, but didn’t know what to say. It reminded him of his days as a Death Eater. After the raping, killing, and pillaging of those Voldemort deemed unworthy of life, he too felt the same way she felt. There was something inside of him that he couldn’t get out. A darkness that invaded, remained dormant, and still resided in him. He learned to adapt to it and eventually ignore it. It was foolish to believe that after Voldemort was dead, his thinking that feeling would too disappear. He scolded himself for falling for such a belief, but it was all he had to rely on at the time. The pain was no longer as evident, but rather a stain that he gave up on trying to get out. Did he feel whole? Complete? Now he was almost content with his state. Did he want more? Yes, but now wasn’t the time to focus on that.



He watched as she sat forward. Her face illuminated by the fire gave her a glow that her skin was missing ever since she was found. She didn’t notice his eyes watching her, studying her every feature, putting her under a microscope as if she were a rare potion ingredient. The necklace her mother gave her left her with a soft touch that she always possessed in her years at Hogwart’s but pushed aside in her quest for knowledge. Was this the girl who he remembered thinking would have loads of kids for either Potter or Weasley years ago? Was this the girl who wanted to be an auror but was better suited for things that would challenge her mind? Especially given what she did to him earlier that morning, along with Draco\'s commentary, she was capable of getting physical if needed be. Was this now the girl who would never feel a child kick inside of her belly? Was this the girl who had to settle for something less than she hoped for when boarding that train one last time? He was lost in his thoughts when his eyes widened at the sight he saw.



She placed her hands on her face and slowly moved them over her head and made her way down to her neck as she looked up at the ceiling - her eyes remaining closed the whole time.



It was image he saw in his dream happening right in front of his eyes. He watched her, fascinated with every move she made. The woman had a way of making his eyes linger on her. She was no longer a student. She is now a woman he thought to himself as he watched her get up and walk towards her chambers.



“Good night, Professor," was all she said as she walked away.



“Good night.” he replied back, waiting until she closed her door before finishing his statement, “Hermione.”