#2 ~ What Was I Thinking ~ Part 2 (Small Edit)

Disclaimer: The characters are JKRs, the situations are mine
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Chapter 8 ~ The Truth May Set You Free


A Hermione with nothing to do, is a thinking Hermione. She had a lot of time to consider her night with Severus, and what it meant. Then she considered her upcoming position at Hogwarts, and how fortuitous it had been that everything came together so smoothly.

By nightfall, she was furious.

“That greasy bastard,” she said to herself as she slammed the tea that was supposed to be calming her down viciously on the table. The hot liquid sloshed out on her hand, and she let out a stream of curses that would have made a sailor blush.

She had applied her formidable logic to her current situation, and come up with one solid, conclusion. That Severus Snape was manipulating every aspect of her life…sexually, mentally, and situationally. She’d bet her last knut that he convinced Dumbledore to offer her the position at Hogwarts. He wasn’t honest enough to tell her that he wanted her close to him. Even if he did not love her, that knowledge would have been welcome. But no, he was too Slytherin for that. Why tell the truth when manipulation would work just as well without the need for disclosure?

Wait until she saw him. She would tell him exactly what she thought of his manipulations. His sneakiness and his ‘performance’ of the night before. This madness was going to stop now.

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Hermione arrived at Hogwarts without incident. She found that many of her things had been left outside of her office, and set about putting them in their rightful place in the muggle way. Since yesterday’s revelation, she wasn’t particularly fond of things magical right now. She often dealt with anger this way, working it off by getting physical. Punching Severus in the eye would be a nice way to work off some aggression.

As if on cue, Severus turned the corner, robes billowing briskly as he glided toward her like a great black bird.

“Control. Control,” Hermione told herself as the object of her ire approached, with absolute no clue of what was about to happen.

Severus was pleased to see Hermione, though he couldn’t understand why she was toting items into her office by hand. His eyes swept over her. She looked no worse for wear. The salve he sent her must have worked well, judging by the vigor with which she were slamming books down on the desk in her office. He swept up to her door noiselessly

“Miss Granger,” Severus said in greeting. He quirked an eyebrow as the young witch wordlessly walked to the box of books, scooped up an armful, walked back into her office and dropped them on her desk without as much as looking at him. Was she ignoring him? He didn’t like this.

He cleared his throat and tried again.

“Good morning, Miss Granger,” he said, applying a little silk to his voice, in the hopes it would get her attention, though generally it worked better when they were in close, intimate proximity.

Hermione turned to the Potions Master. Her amber eyes were sober. Extremely sober and closed. Severus tried a gentle probe of her mind, and found he couldn’t enter it. Strong emotion was the only thing that could help an untrained individual thwart legilimency. This was bad.

“Professor,” she responded shortly before brushing by him to retrieve another armload of books. Severus followed her to the large box filled to the brim with tomes.

“Where did you get this box? It’s enormous,” Severus said as he watched Hermione gather several more tomes to carry into her office.

“It was used to hold a washing machine,” she said as she walked past him again.

“Oh. I see, “ he said. There was an uncomfortable silence as she reached into the box again. “Would you like some assistance?” Severus tried again.

“It’s not necessary, thank you,” Hermione looked at him coolly. “I can manage.”

Severus watched her disappear back into the office, a scowl beginning to darken his face. Whipping out his wand, he pointed it at the box of books and said, “Reducto”. The box immediately shrunk to the size of a small package, which he picked up and carried into Hermione’s office. He set it on the floor by the bookshelves, and once again pointed his wand at it. “Augeo!”

The box of books returned to its original size.

Hermione walked out the storage room where she had been storing some parchment stock, and looked at the box on the floor, and her brow furrowed.

She looked at Severus with a fury in her eyes that did not match the magitude of what he had done. He just brought in some books, she looked at him as if he had murdered the muggle families in his care.

“Professor, I thought I told you I didn’t need your help.” She said sharply, crossing her arms in a way that looked very familiar.

Severus donned his snarky look.

“Miss Granger,” he said sourly, “It made absolutely no sense for you to run in an out of your office carrying books when a simple spell would allow you to make better use of your time. The quicker you are settled, the faster we can begin our work. The faster we can begin our work, the quicker we can provide the essentials for the targeted families. So, Miss Granger, in my estimation, you did need my help, if only to speed our venture along. Why you are being so…difficult and rude is beyond my understanding. Aren’t Dumbledore’s arrangements satisfactory?”

“Oh yes, they’re satisfactory all right,” she answered, her voice dripping with sarcasm,.”just peachy. A great salary, free room and board, university credits, and a project that can truly make a difference in the wizarding world, all falling into my open, waiting lap within hours of meeting with you.

She paused, then narrowed her eyes, “It’s like some greasy-haired, black-robed, git of a fairy-godwizard waved his wand and did a Cinderella on me.”

Severus discreetly warded her office door, then put a silencing charm on the office itself. He knew a storm was coming, and battened down the proverbial hatches.

“Oh,” Hermione continued with deceptive lightness, “and let me not forget to add the extra convenience of having unlimited access to you. I’m sequestered here in the dungeons, my private office is right next to yours, with, I might add, access to my lab, which is also accessible from your office. My private rooms are a few steps down the corridor from yours. We are to work closely on potions. We are to work closely on patenting the spells I design. We have privacy and access to each other any time of the day or night.”

Then she drove the knife in, “Severus, I am not stupid. You’ve manipulated me into this situation just so you can get in my pants and wherever else you can manage, at your convenience. Without any discussion, without any commitment, without any need to consult with me at all.”

Severus, an old hand turning an argument in on itself, raised his eyebrows incredulously and replied, “Hermione, even you are not so vain as to think I purposely created this situation with the muggle families solely to ‘get in your pants’ as you so eloquently described …what it is I do.

Hermione considered a moment, then said “No, the need is real, I admit, but I am sure as Sherlock that you manipulated the Headmaster to offer me everything I needed to stay here, worry-free.”

“Possibly, he replied smoothly, “but, in fairness, I hardly think that showing a proprietary interest in your welfare constitutes…”

He was cut off immediately by a red-faced Hermione

“Proprietary? You do not OWN me, Severus, and your interest in me has NOTHING to do with propriety. I had the bruises to prove that. Ever since you took my virginity…”

“You gave me your virginity, Miss Granger. Actually, you begged me to take it,” Severus said evenly, his dark eyes angry. “You wanted me to fuck you long before I was aware of it.”

Hermoine refused to be cowed by the truth of his statement and snapped, “Well, let’s just chalk that up to my burgeoning sexuality, and my curiosity to know if my snarky potions professor could and would fuck me.

Severus smirked unpleasantly, “He could and did, as well as other things.”

Hermione flushed, but she couldn’t back down. She forged on. “That being what it may, it was you who said not to expect anything more from you than the fulfillment of my sexual desires. It was you who implied you did not want to have any other type of relationship. I left you alone. Then you took it upon yourself to seduce me …”

“I did not seduce you, Miss Granger. You asked me to come to you…you wanted me.”

“You seduced me, dammit!” Hermione yelled at him, stomping her foot.

At this point, Severus was glad he had placed a silencing charm on the office. He had no desire to inform the entire school that he was fucking Hermione.

“You got in my head, knew what to say and how to say it at a time I was afraid, and lonely and apprehensive. At a time when you knew I was sexually frustrated, and you came, and you had your way with me, without any thought of kindness or tenderness, used my body like I was some kind of whore …”

Severus stiffened at this description. A tightness hit his chest and he fought the urge to throttle her for letting her mouth wrap around such words.

She continued, on a roll, “and left me alone to lick my wounds in the morning. Of course you sent me some healing salve, most likely to cover up the damage you’d done in case I came to my senses and realized that you had practically raped me…”

Severus almost lost it. His voice was tight with controlled anger.

“You invited me! You undressed yourself knowing I intended to have you. I even told you I how I felt, how I planned to possess you…you knew I was angry, I told you it would it hurt. I wasn’t gentle when I put you to the wall…and yet, you never said no, you never said stop. You had every opportunity to stop me. But no, you told me to fuck you when I was holding back…you used your body, your belly to make me react…don’t blame this all on me, Hermione. It wasn’t rape. It was no where near rape! It was consensual. You were dying for me to take you, just the way I took you. And I did. I can’t help it that your desire for me makes me feel …”

His voice died away for a moment, then picked up…much softer than before.

“I’ve never considered you a whore…ever. Perhaps a bit bizarre in your choice of whom to lose your virginity to…but never a whore…or even someone to use…though I did use you…like you used me…

Hermione looked at the man who had taken her apart, and put her back together as a whole woman. He had all but confessed he felt…something for her. She had to know.

“How do I make you feel?” Hermione demanded of the Potions Master.

Severus remained mute, looking mutinous.

“How do I make you feel, Severus? Answer me damn it. You owe me that much honesty at least.” Hermione said, staring at him intently. Severus returned her stare, his black eyes unreadable. She wasn’t going to turn away. He sighed, defeated.

“It doesn’t make any sense for me to answer that particular question, Hermione, the reason being that someone like me could never have someone like you…permanently. Even now, my conscience troubles me..if Voldemort knew about you, he would kill us both. Only my skill at occulmency has kept you safe. I’m not afraid to die…often I prayed for death. Before you. Over this past year, sometimes the only thing that held me together when I was in the hospital wing breaking my own bones from seizures caused by the cruciatus curse, was the thought of possibly having you again. To hear you say you desired me, to see your eyes full of passion for me, to feel your body accepting me without judging me. I wanted to relive that experience, your passion, your pleasure, your beauty at least one more time before I died. And so, I lived.”

Severus knew he had just given himself away, and said what he never wanted to tell her, knowing that her Gryffindor heart would soon activate in a way he wanted desperately, but didn’t want, for her sake. He had to make her see his reasoning.

“Hermione, the only reason I said I wanted nothing more, was to protect you from the hell that is my life. Potter and I have this much in common, and that is those who are close to us, have an unfortunate tendency to die, or at least be targeted for death. To have your young life snuffed out because of my desire for you would be the hardest blow of all. I wouldn’t care if the whole wizarding world spiraled down to hell itself, if it meant sparing you.”

Hermione drew a deep shuddering breath as she looked at the man before her, his eyes desperate for understanding. Her heart felt too big for her body. He continued.

“I’ve told you before, Hermione, you are an incredible woman. You are also a passionate one. You are meant for a life of accomplishment, and of love. I don’t want you taken from this world, you are the beauty of it. I want you to marry for love, have brilliant children and die at a ripe old age as an icon, a muggle-born witch who changed the face of the wizarding world. Your name listed in history books. This will never happen with me. Ever.”

He saw it in her eyes. The breaking. The realization. No. No. He had to go, to get away from her before things were said that could never be taken back.

Severus turned and walked toward the door, unwarding it. “I have to go Hermione,” he said, his back stiffly turned to her.

“Don’t, Severus. Wait…”Hermione ran to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. He removed it gently, but quickly.

“Hermione, we can’t do this anymore. If you need release, find someone else, someone less violent, less possessive. Someone who will be tender with you, someone who will make you happy, and keep you safe from the darkness that surrounds me. I won’t come to you anymore, Hermione Not for that. Not for you. I won’t invade your thoughts. Anything else that you require, I will do, if it is in my power to do. It has been beautiful, Hermione, believe me it has…but I realize now, even in small but passionate doses, your beauty isn’t meant for me.”

Severus walked out the door and into the dungeon corridor. Hermione tried to follow.

He held up his hand. “Don’t,” he said warningly. “Just don’t.”

Hermione, respecting his wishes, stood silent and watched him go.
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Severus walked slowly back to his own, cold, rooms. His soul felt empty. He felt as if nothing good had ever been in his heart. The welcome blackness descended, and his Dark Mark burned. He was glad of it now. Pain would be much better than this. And death would be better than pain.

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Hermione watched Severus until his black-robed frame blended with the distant darkness. A single, reluctant tear fell as she retreated back into her office, and slowly closed the door.

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A/N: There you go…the realization and accusation by Hermione, the confession from Severus, the resulting breaking of hearts, trashing of hope, yadda yadda, yadda … BUT I promise you all, Severus will NOT become a pudding pop. He has some dark places inside him that will never see light. I think even love would only temper him. He is what he is. Also, there was no actual incantation for an enlargement spell in the HP Lexicon, so once again I opted to the latin to English translation. ‘Augeo’ is latin for grow.