The Phantom of Idiocy
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
12
Views:
6,003
Reviews:
67
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
12
Views:
6,003
Reviews:
67
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Angel of the Pipes
Hermione Granger is enjoying her first class of the morning, Transfiguration. Although she can\'t help but notice that McGonagal is displaying a certain animosity towards her, Hermione still tries to impress her teacher and show up everyone else in the class.
\"Although it is impressive that you transfigured Mr. Potter into a pocketwatch,\" McGonagal says, \"I would much rather you turn him into a knife so I can stab you with it!\"
\"Yeah!\" Ron says, due to the fact that he has nothing else to say.
Hermione, however, takes no notice of McGonagal\'s obvious insult and instead only acknowledges the praise. Beaming, she says, \"Thanks Professor!\"
McGonagal rolls her eyes and looks as though she\'s about to throttle Hermione. She takes her anger out on Neville instead, turning him into a pile of slime. Harry returns to normal and says, slightly offended, \"Well I was the one who turned into a pocketwatch! But don\'t give me any credit! All I ever did was love you!\"
\"Harry you did?!\"
\"Oh yes,\" he replies, \"Since the moment I laid eyes on you...\"
The class, slightly taken aback by this, quickly forgets when suddenly a voice, deep and beautiful, booms through the vents and fills the room with anger and foreboding. \"Insolent boy, this slave of fashion! Basking in your glory! Ignorant fool this brave young Potter...Sharing in my triumph!\"
\"Father I hear you! Speak, I listen. Stay by my side, guide me!\" Hermione sings back instinctively, \"Father my soul was weak, forgive me...Come back to me, daddy!\"
\"FUCK YOU I\'M NOT YOUR DAD! You lovesick slut!\" the mysterious voice responds.
\"Then are you an angel?\" Hermione asks.
\"An angel, what the-- oh! why, why yes! I am an angel... The angel of music...\" he says and tries to muffle his maniacal laughter.
McGonagal is livid. \"Albus is that you? I\'ve seen some pretty elaborate plans for you to snare the ladies, but this just takes the cake!\"
The rest of the class is milling about as if nothing is happening. \"I sure wish there was some gossip...it seems like something should be happening...almost as if it\'s right under our noses...and yet...I notice nothing,\" Lavender Brown says. The rest of the class nods in agreement looking bored and staring off into space.
After this pause, the voice booms back. \"I am your angel of music...Come to me angel of music...\"
Hermione, almost as if in a trance, wanders out of the classroom and follows the voice through the vents.
\"Where is Hermione going?\" Harry asks, concerned.
\"The library, love, as always,\" Ron says, \"Forget about her.\"
\"I am your angel of music...come to me angel of music,\" the voice repeats as Hermione follows it down to the bowels of the dungeons. She pushes open a thick wooden door to reveal a mysterious figure shrouded in billowing black robes and wearing a simple white mask which hides his face. He reaches his leather gloved hand out and, hesitating for but a moment, Hermione takes it.
*******(insert pipe organ and synthesizer ) DUMMMMMM dum dum dum dum dum...********
\"In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came...that voice which calls to me...and speaks my name! And do I dream again? For now I find...The Phantom of the Venting System is there inside my mind...\"
\"Sing once again with me, our strange duet...My power over you grows stronger yet...And though you\'d turn from me to glance at Potter...The Phantom of the Venting System is there...inside your mind.\"
\"I want to see your face but draw back in fear...Take off the mask you wear\"
\"Shut up you slut\"
\"Your spirit and my voice in one combined, The Phantom of the Venting System is there inside my mind.\"
\"Sing my angel of music! Sing my angel! Sing for me! Sing my angel! Sing for me!\"
Hermione glances around, confused as to where the orchestrated music is coming from, but shrugs off her concern and screeches out the highest notes she can reach, ignoring the shattering glass around her.
After coming down from her high pitched note, Hermione looks to find the phantom staring her down. \"You are the most beautiful creature i have ever beheld,\" he says, tenderly stroking her cheek.
Hermione gasps. No one has ever complimented me before! All those times i wore skanky little outfits and ambled about in school robes that were ten sizes too small, all i got were watery hissing noises! But this man really wants me! Overcome with joy, Hermione swoons and everything goes black...
******************
Hermione\'s eyes flutter open and she finds herself lying, freezing on the potions\' classroom floor. Snape is looking down at her from his desk, his usually stony stare boring into her. \"Where am I? Was it a dream?\"
\"You orgasm obsessing whore! I come in here to grade papers and find you twitching on my floor. What is the meaning of this?\"
\"But the Phantom brought me here...\"
\"Oh that Phantom...you mean the one with the white mask? the one who lures young girls down into his dungeon death lair to make sweet love to them?\" he asks as he kicks the white mask under his chair.
\"Yes that\'s the one...\"
\"Great excuse...I\'ve heard the Phantom story a thousand times!\"
\"Wait... what was that you just pushed under your chair?\"
\"Oh nothing, nothing at all. 50 and 9/28 points from Gryffindor! And detention tomorrow night in addition to the other detention I already gave you...back to back...for eight hours of detention fun!\"
Hermione dashes out of the room, terrified at the prospect of spending that much time alone with him. She retreats to her room to dream of her Phantom of the Venting System.
\"Although it is impressive that you transfigured Mr. Potter into a pocketwatch,\" McGonagal says, \"I would much rather you turn him into a knife so I can stab you with it!\"
\"Yeah!\" Ron says, due to the fact that he has nothing else to say.
Hermione, however, takes no notice of McGonagal\'s obvious insult and instead only acknowledges the praise. Beaming, she says, \"Thanks Professor!\"
McGonagal rolls her eyes and looks as though she\'s about to throttle Hermione. She takes her anger out on Neville instead, turning him into a pile of slime. Harry returns to normal and says, slightly offended, \"Well I was the one who turned into a pocketwatch! But don\'t give me any credit! All I ever did was love you!\"
\"Harry you did?!\"
\"Oh yes,\" he replies, \"Since the moment I laid eyes on you...\"
The class, slightly taken aback by this, quickly forgets when suddenly a voice, deep and beautiful, booms through the vents and fills the room with anger and foreboding. \"Insolent boy, this slave of fashion! Basking in your glory! Ignorant fool this brave young Potter...Sharing in my triumph!\"
\"Father I hear you! Speak, I listen. Stay by my side, guide me!\" Hermione sings back instinctively, \"Father my soul was weak, forgive me...Come back to me, daddy!\"
\"FUCK YOU I\'M NOT YOUR DAD! You lovesick slut!\" the mysterious voice responds.
\"Then are you an angel?\" Hermione asks.
\"An angel, what the-- oh! why, why yes! I am an angel... The angel of music...\" he says and tries to muffle his maniacal laughter.
McGonagal is livid. \"Albus is that you? I\'ve seen some pretty elaborate plans for you to snare the ladies, but this just takes the cake!\"
The rest of the class is milling about as if nothing is happening. \"I sure wish there was some gossip...it seems like something should be happening...almost as if it\'s right under our noses...and yet...I notice nothing,\" Lavender Brown says. The rest of the class nods in agreement looking bored and staring off into space.
After this pause, the voice booms back. \"I am your angel of music...Come to me angel of music...\"
Hermione, almost as if in a trance, wanders out of the classroom and follows the voice through the vents.
\"Where is Hermione going?\" Harry asks, concerned.
\"The library, love, as always,\" Ron says, \"Forget about her.\"
\"I am your angel of music...come to me angel of music,\" the voice repeats as Hermione follows it down to the bowels of the dungeons. She pushes open a thick wooden door to reveal a mysterious figure shrouded in billowing black robes and wearing a simple white mask which hides his face. He reaches his leather gloved hand out and, hesitating for but a moment, Hermione takes it.
*******(insert pipe organ and synthesizer ) DUMMMMMM dum dum dum dum dum...********
\"In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came...that voice which calls to me...and speaks my name! And do I dream again? For now I find...The Phantom of the Venting System is there inside my mind...\"
\"Sing once again with me, our strange duet...My power over you grows stronger yet...And though you\'d turn from me to glance at Potter...The Phantom of the Venting System is there...inside your mind.\"
\"I want to see your face but draw back in fear...Take off the mask you wear\"
\"Shut up you slut\"
\"Your spirit and my voice in one combined, The Phantom of the Venting System is there inside my mind.\"
\"Sing my angel of music! Sing my angel! Sing for me! Sing my angel! Sing for me!\"
Hermione glances around, confused as to where the orchestrated music is coming from, but shrugs off her concern and screeches out the highest notes she can reach, ignoring the shattering glass around her.
After coming down from her high pitched note, Hermione looks to find the phantom staring her down. \"You are the most beautiful creature i have ever beheld,\" he says, tenderly stroking her cheek.
Hermione gasps. No one has ever complimented me before! All those times i wore skanky little outfits and ambled about in school robes that were ten sizes too small, all i got were watery hissing noises! But this man really wants me! Overcome with joy, Hermione swoons and everything goes black...
******************
Hermione\'s eyes flutter open and she finds herself lying, freezing on the potions\' classroom floor. Snape is looking down at her from his desk, his usually stony stare boring into her. \"Where am I? Was it a dream?\"
\"You orgasm obsessing whore! I come in here to grade papers and find you twitching on my floor. What is the meaning of this?\"
\"But the Phantom brought me here...\"
\"Oh that Phantom...you mean the one with the white mask? the one who lures young girls down into his dungeon death lair to make sweet love to them?\" he asks as he kicks the white mask under his chair.
\"Yes that\'s the one...\"
\"Great excuse...I\'ve heard the Phantom story a thousand times!\"
\"Wait... what was that you just pushed under your chair?\"
\"Oh nothing, nothing at all. 50 and 9/28 points from Gryffindor! And detention tomorrow night in addition to the other detention I already gave you...back to back...for eight hours of detention fun!\"
Hermione dashes out of the room, terrified at the prospect of spending that much time alone with him. She retreats to her room to dream of her Phantom of the Venting System.