Harry Hunting

Chapter Seven

Chapter Six

Darwin\'s Theory At Work.

“Now, this is a very poisonous snake that can kill a man with a single bite. You hold it, Terri, while I poke it with a stick.” -Steve Irwin ‘Crocodile Hunter’


Through the person’s head, they stalked the unaware boy. If this had been the
Muggle world, there was a good chance he would have had an AVO out on them years
ago. Outside the kid’s mind classes went on as they usually did, kids ran around
stuck in their own worlds while inside their head a soundtrack and voiceover
could be heard. . .

(From this point on, imagine a corny Australian accent.) IRWIN: “TODAY WE’RE
GOING TO BE HUNTING A TIMID AND RARELY SEEN CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY BE FOUND IN
SECRET PLACES. THIS SHY LITTLE FELLOW IS KNOWN AS A HARRIUS POTTERUS. COMMONLY
KNOWN AS THE BOY-WHO-LIVED, OR HARRY POTTER, HE DOESN’T LIKE TO COME OUT OF HIS
BURROW MUCH, BUT WHEN HE DOES, YOU’VE GOT TO KEEP AN EYE OUT ‘CAUSE HE’S A QUICK
LITTLE BUGGER.”

It was quiet in Harry’s corner of the common room. No one was about; everyone
had headed outside for the chance to get some sunlight and recover from a party
the night before. While sunlight is clinically proven to be bad for your eyes
when you have a hangover, sunbeams have also proven to have a restorative affect
if you sleep in them while you hung over.

As he didn’t quite feel up to the task of dragging his sorry arse down the
stairs to go outside and sit in the sun, he had curled up in front of the fire
and was enjoying a large glass of water and the heat of the fire. He didn’t plan
on moving for the next few hours and gods help the useless idiot that tried to
move him.

It did seem, at times, that people couldn’t tie their own shoelaces without
using magic at Hogwarts. If magic ever failed he could see a lot of people
walking around in bare feet. Windows from outside shone a dim light into the
Gryffindor common room and the fire spread a warm glow over the room. Sipping
carefully on his glass of water, Harry closed his eyes, and eased back into the
chair he was sitting in, with the blankets piled around him. I am so going to
kill Hermione one of these days, but first, I’m going to get that hangover cure
off her. It beat raw eggs and Tabasco sauce any day.

IRWIN: “NOW, TODAY WE CAN SEE HARRY QUIETLY SLEEPING OFF A HARD NIGHT’S WORK.
ONCE IN A WHILE, THIS SHY BEAST WILL VENTURE FROM ITS BURROW, WHICH YOU CAN SEE
HAS BEEN DECORATED IN BRIGHT FESTIVE COLORS OF RED AND GOLD. THIS IS EITHER TO
WARN OFF OTHER CREATURES FROM ATTACKING A GRYFFINDOR, AS THEY’RE KNOWN, OR ARE
USED AS A MATING RITUAL TO DISPLAY THEIR SUITABILITY AS A MATE. OTHER CREATURES
CAN BE SEEN IN A VARIETY OF COLORS AND CAN OFTEN BE SEEN PRUNING THEMSELVES TO
BETTER APPROACH THE OPPOSITE SEX. HERE WE CAN SEE THAT HARRY HAS BEEN EXHAUSTED
FROM HIS SOCIAL GATHERING. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PART IN SEARCHING FOR AN
ATTRACTIVE MATE.”


Harry gathered up his blanket and shifted out from in front of the fire when
people started to come back inside. He wasn’t really up for conversation at the
moment. The next person to start humming ‘I Got You Babe’ will have his boot up
their arse. As he walked up the stairs to his room, he swore he could see
someone hiding behind one of the couches, but he wasn’t sure.

Quidditch was important to Harry. The ability to glide through the air above a
cheering crowd tended to push back the latest attempt on his life by Voldemort.
So when it came time to organize the new teams, Harry’s place on the team was
important to him. Harry came down from the bathroom for the beginning of a new
week, to see a sheet pinned up on the Gryffindor poster board.

Next to the note that some had an old broomstick for sale and if any one had
seen Ron’s pants, a reward was offered for the pants. The meeting for deciding
the new team was going to be that Friday in the afternoon and announced:

All decisions made last year by teaching staff, whom
shall not be named, are declared null and void.

IRWIN: “NOW, AS WE FOLLOW THIS FINE SPECIMEN OF A GRYFFINDOR, THERE ARE CERTAIN
FACTS THAT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER. THIS IS A DELICATE SPECIES, KNOWN FOR ACTING
WILDLY AND IRRATIONALLY AT TIMES. IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED THAT A SWIFT SMACK
‘ROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND THE DEMAND TO ‘GET OVER YOURSELF’ WOULD SNAP
THEM OUT OF IT, but it has yet to be tried. THOSE GATHERED AROUND HIM ARE OFTEN
SEEN FOLLOWING A HARRY POTTER. ONE IS KNOWN FOR THE LARGE BRAIN AND BIG MOUTH;
THE OTHER HAS A BRIGHT RED BRUSH AND HAIR ON THE PALMS OF THEIR HANDS. THE
EATING HABITS OF A HARRY POTTER ARE A TOPIC THAT HAS BEEN DISCUSSED BY MANY.
NOW, AS WE KEEP A CAREFUL EYE ON THE SHY FELLOW, I’M SURE WE CAN CATCH A GLIMPSE
AT THE EATING HABITS.”


The Gryffindor table was bustling with the noises of hungry students. You could
almost hear the arteries hardening as the melted butter oozed off the side of a
platter of mashed potatoes. The piles of roast meat and boiled vegetable brought
a tear to the eye of anyone who before going to Hogwarts had to eat food from a
boarding school or college. No unnamed meat, here, no strange stews that have
the same color and consistency as wood glue. No evolutionary meals that begin as
one thing today and appear tomorrow back on your plate as another. The students
at Hogwarts would die of heart disease, but they were going to die with a smile
on their faces.

The roof above the students’ heads was lit with hundreds of stars and would have
made George Lucas eat his heart out. Harry had a pile of roast potatoes and
gravy a foot high on his plate, while the food at the Dursley’s was of the dry
toast and water variety. When he got back to Hogwarts the chance to stuff his
face was too good to pass up, he could just imagine if Dudley had ever come here
he would be fat enough to demand a forklift to get out of the house. Beside him
Ron was picking away at a plate of roast beef which had been coated in a
horseradish sauce.

“Harry, do you ever crave something different?” Harry put his knife and fork
down carefully.

“Well, Ron, I think everyone has the right to make their own choices and if you
want something different that is perfectly fine with me.”
Harry picked his cutlery back up and dug into his potatoes.

“What the hell did you think I meant? No! I mean there are times when
I really crave vegetables that haven\'t been roasted in drippings.
Sometimes at night I dream of a crisp baby lettuce leaf salad with no dressing
and cherry tomatoes.” Harry chewed and swallowed the potatoes he had forced down
his throat.

“I know what you mean. It’s great to eat this stuff, but the never ending
medieval feast does tend to turn you off roast meat and vegetables after a
while.” Picking up one of the bread rolls, sure that this at least could not be
covered in animal fat like the rest of dishes on the table Ron started to pick
the centre out of it.

“Once I asked the house elves to make a salad and they came back with the bowl
of iceberg lettuce floating in salad cream mayonnaise. I love roast, but having
it every night for six years is starting to really piss me off.”

IRWIN: “A HARRIUS POTTERUS HAS A CERTAIN HABIT, WHICH WE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
TO CATCH THE LITTLE BLIGHTER. NOW, HE IS A SURVIVOR AND IN THE PAST HAS
DEMONSTRATED AN ABILITY TO SURVIVE LIFE THREATENING SITUATIONS THAT CAN’T BE
RIVALED. WITH NO REGARD TO HIS OWN SAFETY, AND OFTEN THE SAFETY OF OTHERS, A
HARRIUS IS OFTEN SHOWN TO HAVE THE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS OF A SUICIDAL LEMMING.”

The days before the Quidditch trials dragged by for Harry. While everyone
expected him to get the seekers position instantly, he hadn’t been able to
practice in a while and as we all know Harry has the self worth of an earth
worm.

As he got a glance at the first years pouring out of Snape’s room, he noticed
that several now had purple spots and cat whiskers. It looked like they had had
fun. His first glance at Snape’s red face was that this was a man who had not
only visited hell and seen the devil but had also brought the coffee mug and had
his t-shirt signed by Lucifer himself.

At his table with Pansy, she had carefully lined up her quills and her parchment
was in neat piles and her ruler divided the desk in half.
As he watched she carefully underlined her title page in red ink and placed the
date and time on the top of the page. She had started humming under her voice.
“. . . got you babe.”

Harry slapped his papers down on the desk and pulled out a stool. “Is it true
that when you and Draco have sex you do it doggy style with a collar and choke
chain?” Pansy stopped humming and started writing a letter to a friend and
ignored the Gryffindor.

At the front of the class Snape slammed a heavy book down on his desk. “Today we
will be attempting a simple potion which many are yet unable to complete, Oilusb
Geus.

“Now, the list of instructions is up on the board. If any one wants me,
I will be preparing for a later class. Don’t try to bother me, unless the world
is ending and even then knock first.”

Snape slumped down in his chair and rested his hands in his heads. Why is it me
that got Potions? If the little delinquents weren’t bad enough with magic, I had
to place chemicals that could make high grade explosives in their hands. This
stuff wouldn’t just blow up; it would turn you pink and cover you in feathers
before it did it. From his desk, Snape carefully pulled out his silver hip flask
and took a sip.

Walking out of his last class of the day, Harry was jubilant. He had Quidditch
trials in an hour. As he walked down the dungeons corridor, a slip of paper in
the shape of a paper bird flew down the hall and into his face. The bird stuck
to his nose. Ron, who had been walking with him, jumped at the piece of paper.
“Harry, are you okay mate?” The paper remained attached to Harry’s nose while he
tried to yank it off.

”Ron, leave off, I think you’ll rip my nose off.” Ron stepped back as
Harry aimed his wand at his nose and dissolved the spell on the paper. Written
on the paper were the words:

Harry,

I have a person most precious to give you. This misguided fool attempted to help
you and in doing so has brought about their own doom. The only way to save them
is to go to the second door after the stairs to the Ravenclaw common room past
the painting of the Monkeys.

Yours Sincerely

Heir to the Second Cousin twice removed of Salazar Slytherin

P.S Could you stop off at the kitchen and pick up a fruit basket.
Thanks

Do we need to go back and see what Harry does when he thinks that someone that
was trying to help him is hurt by his enemies, no I didn’t think so.

IRWIN: “RIGHT NOW WE HAVE TO BE VERY, VERY QUIET, WHEN YOU’RE HUNTING A
POTTERUS. THIS SPECIES IS KNOWN FOR GETTING OUT OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS. NOW
TODAY, WE’VE LAID A CAREFUL TRAP TO CAPTURE THE LITTLE CRITTER. A TRAIL HAS BEEN
LAID WHICH WILL LEAD HIM TO HIS ROOM. WE’LL WAIT QUIETLY AND THEN WHEN HE
SPRINGS THE TRAP WE’LL GET HIM.”

The corridor off the Ravenclaw common room led to a small door, that was
slightly ajar, to rush in or not to rush in. Harry ran inside to find no windows
or lights lit the room, except for a small glimmer of light. From a single torch
he could not see the room, and stood spotlighted in the open doorway, clutching
a fruit basket in one hand that he had picked up from the kitchen house elves.
”Get away from them you. . . What was it again?”

As his eyes adjusted to the light he could see a figure wrapped in bulky dark
robes sitting tied to a chair in the middle of the room.
Rushing into the room Harry kept his wand out and a hand on the fruit basket.
With a quick spell he managed to remove the ropes and kept telling the body that
they were going to be alright and that they had nothing to worry about.

Hands up everyone who thinks Harry gets off saving people.

As the last rope slipped off the figure the door behind Harry slammed shut, and
the figure rose up and collapsed into his arms, making him drop the fruit
basket.

“Oh Harry, thank you, thank you I don’t know what happened.” a slight voice
emerged from the covered figure, “I don’t know what I would have done if you
hadn’t have rescued me.” Harry held the cloaked figure in his arms.

“Umm, okay, do you know what happened to you and do you know how to get out of
here.” The figure reached to pull the cloth away from their face when an unseen
breeze slipped through the room blowing out the single torch.

“Oh no the light has gone out and we can’t see a thing.”

“It’s all right I have my wand I can just. . . .” the kidnapped figure stumbles
in the dark into Harry knocking his wand away.

“I’m so sorry I can’t see a thing. But I feel safe knowing your here Harry.”
Banging his ankle on the chair the figure had been tied to Harry kneels down and
starts feeling around on the floor for his wand.

“Oh Harry please don’t leave me. I don’t feel safe.” From above his head Harry
felt a hand come down on his neck and he swore it started petting him. Jumping
to his feet Harry tried to think of the most unsexual thing he could think of.
This poor lost student didn’t need him. Dursley’s having sex . . . Dursley’s
having sex.

The lust was now under control. Before he knew it an arm came out of the
darkness and was wrapped around his waist and a head was resting on his chest.

“Oh, Harry I don’t think I could do this if you weren’t here. You’re so brave,”
Another hand was slowly climbing up his chest and reached the edge of his
t-shirt and played with the collar.

“You didn’t say exactly who you are.” The hands moved around to circle his neck
and tightened gently,

“Oh Harry, that’s not important. All that’s important is that I can show my
gratitude in you saving me from a fate worse than death.” Harry suddenly felt a
hand drift down his back and go down the back of his pants grabbing a good
handful of his arse. A warm mouth glanced his chin Harry was stunned.

With a gasp he stepped away, and the door swung open slamming against the wall.
In the bright light of the door Harry could see Ron standing with their
broomsticks.

“Hey mate, sorry to interrupt your rescue mission but Quidditch trials are up so
do you think you could save them after it?”

“Sure, I don’t think they needed saving from a bad guy, per say, maybe from
themselves, but not a bad guy.”

IRWIN: “WELL, TODAY, FOLKS, WE’VE SEEN HOW HARD IT IS TO CATCH A HARRY POTTER.
THIS STRANGE AND RARE CREATURE IS DIFFICULT TO CATCH AND THE FURTHERING OF THE
SPECIES IS SOMETHING THAT, I FEEL, NEEDS PARTICULAR ATTENTION.”

From the shadows of the room the boy most knew as Vincent Crabbe picked up an
apple from the pile that had fallen to the ground and bit down. He had tried but
it looked like he had lucked out, oh well there is always next time.


A/N Steve Irwin a strange creature as yet not understood by his fellow australians.