A Pale Shadow

AN: My muse took a turn on me but after what happened last time, it seemed the right course to take. I hope that you enjoy it and sorry it took me so long to get this one done. Please review, it really does help me, especially when anyone catches I mistake that I didn\'t and tells me nicely about it.

Snapes POV:

He stays when he shouldn\'t, he should have realized that I am not worth saving and I am most certainly not worth his love. I was at one time worth it, wasn\'t I? I think so but it is hard to know when the shadow whispers to me that I was not. I have always belonged to the darkness on some level, though I yearned for the light. Harry is a brighter light than mine; at one time he used to be the very essence of light, a bright white light of innocence. We stole that from him, tore it away so that he could become our weapon against the dark so that we all could be safe from a madman.

How was it that we did that though, how was it I came to see him more than his father? Ah yes, I was made his mentor, to teach him how to defend against someone, well someone like me. It had to be me and I always knew that because Albus could not bring himself to teach the boy what he needed to know to survive. I was a dark wizard after all, so it should mean nothing to me to tear away a part of his light, to dim it some. After all I hated him? I think that I thought that at one time that I hated my Harry but that was when he was younger. He reminded me of his father, in sight and at the time in arrogant attitude that was unique to the Potters. That was before the fifth year of his schooling, after that something in me changed. When I wanted that insufferable brat to understand that every time I tried to save his life put me further in the dark lord’s dark graces and that is not a place to be. I was in, an essences risking my life every time I had to show up to one of those meetings coming up with a new reason why I could not get closer to the golden boy. It was then that he hated me for good reason, I was never nice to him and certainly not after he betrayed my trust by looking into the pensive, into my memories without my permission.

How had it all changed, defiant glares from across the room, ones that light up dull green eyes? In a way I was proud because at least I could snap him out of his melancholy that fell over him after the godmutt’s death. Then he went and changed the rules on me by looking at me one day without contempt or hate but with a true searching look as if trying to find the real me buried in layers of grease and hate. It was as if he began to see what it was that made me the way I was, he sees all of my foolish mistakes through the years and forgave me for having been a scared little boy that just wanted love. He told me once that we were more alike, that we both had suffered because of our upbringings, ones that were without real love that a child should have. I told him even then that any comparisons between us stopped there because we chose different paths, fate gave him chances I did not have. He told me that was because they knew that he would need someone that did not see the boy that lived but a simple child that needed boundaries. I gave him that apparently, though I could not see it for he still broke rules even as I yelled, gave detentions and took away points from him in an attempt to stop him from running blindly into a dangerous situation.

He’s watching me right now as I, Severus Snape cower beneath covers as if to hide away from the world and all that has been done to me. Really I am hiding from him, my Harry, because I am not worthy of him anymore, I am dirty and if he touches me I will make him like me. I have already tainted him when I raped….I raped my Harry, I should die a long suffering death for what I have done. Still he stays with me, telling me that he will never leave me, never give up on me and I want to scream at him about his stupid Gryffindor loyalty. Really a Slytherin would never stay with damaged goods, unless they could benefit something from it and trust me there is nothing to benefit by staying with me. I am still greasy, dirty evil git that I have always been, no I am worse now for what I have lived through. Why didn’t Fudge just allow those damn creatures to suck my soul out of me and from some where something reminds me that he wanted Harry to find me broken. Truthfully it would have hurt Harry more if they had just given me the Kiss; of course maybe they were afraid of what he would do to them if I had been kissed. Why isn’t he out getting revenge, I know I asked him but I can’t recall what he said. What was that something about a dish served cold, some muggle saying I am certain of that.

I know it is really him, I know by his smell of open skies on a summer day mixed with hint of sandalwood that is the soap I make, by the way he moves with grace and confidence, no one can reproduce the way he moves and by the way he touches me. Damn him, with just a light caress and I want to spill all the poison that is eating away at me. I want him to comfort me as I once actually comforted him when he truly grasped just what it was that they really wanted him to do. He had cried in my arms, truly cried with agony of the course of his life was taking and for once I didn’t want to rub his nose in or use it against him. No I wanted to run away, taking him with me and defy what fate wanted him to do. I wanted to protect him and allow him to finish growing up as a normal teenager should. No I didn’t, at least not all the way because I also wanted him in my bed, only my bed. Yes even now as madness grips me I know that he should only be in my bed and only touched by me, to be worshiped only by me. No one else has the right; after all I taught him and kept him alive as well as gave him hope in the future. I lied to you Harry and you should hate me for that, I promised once Voldemort died that there would be no other monsters to ruin our lives and that nothing would tear us apart.

Looking over at him, I study his face that is still so beautiful but at the same time sad, pained and angry and it is all because of me. I feel guilty and try hard to push him away but it seems the harder I try the more my Harry holds me closer. I do not deserve this; I deserve to die for what I have done to him, I deserve punishment for my crimes.

\"Stop it Sev.\" Harry\'s voice washes over me and for a moment I am lost, \"I know what you are thinking but you are wrong, I don\'t hate you for what you did as I know you really didn\'t mean it.\"

I snort from somewhere in the blankets I have wrapped around myself, \"Really I was there and it seems that I did mean it, I did after all hurt you. You should leave and find someone that is truly worth your time.\"

Bright green eyes flash with anger as he moves over towards me but stops just a few feet away, \"No Sev you meant to hurt those that hurt you by using my face. Besides if it was me hiding in those blankets would you leave Sev?\"

I bury myself deeper in my weak attempt of protection, wanting to deny the last part of what he said. To snap at him of course not you fool, why would anyone want to stay with someone that is broken but of course the brat is right, I would not leave him, \"Go away Harry.\"

\"No Sev, I will never leave you willingly.\" He says with the truth of his words resounding in this small room and then reaches out to me even as I press closer to the wall, \"I love you and nothing is going to change that, not even you being a little rough with me.\"

I can\'t believe he just said that and all I can think is that the sorting hat must have been mad to want to place Harry in Slythrin and growl out, \"Foolish boy call what I did by its name, I raped you and you by all rights should be seeking justice.\"

Harry stands and slowly turns to walk away, the wards were tripped and I hate it, my Harry will have to leave me to my own dark mind that plays the scene again and again. He stops at the door and then looks to me, \"Does it matter what I call it, I said I forgive you and I do Sev. I just wish you could find it in your heart to forgive yourself as well.\"

I want to but the darkness creeps in at all the wrong moments, whispering in my mind that this is a lie and that my world will be shattered again. That one day Harry will realize that I am not worth his saving and he will leave me for a better wizard. It tells me that I should hurt him for what was done to me and that he probably laughed seeing me that way, chained and broken to the wall. It wants me to believe that he was working with Fudge from the moment the man had taken me away but another part of me knows this is a lie. Harry had been in a sort of magical coma after the last battle and I knew that he liked the minister of magic as much as I did. I wish I had died instead so that Harry could have grieved for me and gotten on with his life but I didn\'t and now he was stuck with me a cruel man who was now insane. I get up out of the blankets and step to the door but pause as I hear another voice, I know the voice but can\'t place it for some reason. I can sense it though there is something, I should warn Harry but I can’t get my feet to move as I am torn away from the present to be lost in the memories of the past.