All\'s Fair In Love And War

Two weeks ago, Draco Malfoy told me he wanted me. Me. Harry Potter. The-Boy-Who-Lived, the bane of his father's - and his father's master's - existence, the emotionally stunted, heart-broken, mess of a boy he chose over Voldemort.

I couldn't have been happier.

In fact, Draco's confession has turned my life around. I now have a reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to look forward to meals and classes; even Potions - especially Potions as he sits with me every class. Much to Snape's annoyance.

Ron and I are still at odds over my friendship with Draco, I don't think he'll be any happier when he finds out that friendship isn't all I want with him. I'm willing to bet my Firebolt that he'll have a fit over it.

Hermione is different though. She looks at me sometimes and it's as if she knows things. I catch her watching me intently whenever Zabini - It's easier to think of him that way, Blaise was mine but Zabini belongs to Voldemort and Parkinson - enters a room we happen to be in. Her eyes go from him to me and she gets this ... almost sympathetic look on her face.

She's been doing that since just a few days after she came back from break. The more I think about it, the more I think that she knows. About me and Zabini, about the break up, about Draco's feelings for me, about my feelings for Draco. She's pretty perceptive, Hermione is. I should have known she'd figure it out.

She obviously hasn't said anything to Ron about it yet and for that I can only be grateful. I don't think I could handle losing Ron completely just now and that's exactly what will happen when he finds out, especially if he finds out from someone other than me.

I really should tell him, but I'm scared of what he'll say. Besides, what do I say to him when I’m not even sure how I feel yet?

I like Draco. I do. He's been a good friend these past few weeks. I know I couldn't have made it as far as I have without him. I'd still be pining for someone who I can never again have, if it weren't for him. I'd never realize that not everyone I care for will abandon me like Zabini did. Because Draco didn't. He gave up everything for me with no promise of ever having his feelings returned. He cares for me - dare I say it - loves me that much.

But how do I feel about him?

Yes, I like him. He's not a bad person when you get to know him.

Yes, he's attractive. He's beautiful truth be told. All pale and blonde and lean and tight in all the right places. I'd shag him in a heartbeat if he was just some guy at a club. But he's not. He's my friend and I need him. I don't know if I can risk losing him by trying for something deeper than what we already have.

But I want to. Merlin how I want to. I catch myself watching him all the time now - in classes, on the pitch, at meals. I almost groaned out loud when he licked syrup off his lips at breakfast. I want to kiss him, taste those full pink lips and know if they feel as soft as they look.

I know he'd let me.

I'll admit that I'm scared. I'm scared that if I gave in once - allowed myself to experience the feel of him even once, that I would lose myself to him forever. The lure of having him love me is tempting. So very tempting. I've never really been loved before. Not like this. Zabini said he loved me, but he didn't mean it. Not if he could give me up so easily. I would never let go of the one I love. Not for anything, and certainly not for Voldemort.

He hasn’t said the words, hasn’t come right out and told me he loves me, but I know he does. I can feel it. Deep down in my soul, I know that he loves me. It’s a heady experience, being loved this much.

Sometimes, I want to just take that love and wrap it around me like a soft, warm blanket. I want to bask in it like a hedonist, letting it flow over me, caressing me from the inside out. It would be so good to just let go and give myself over to Draco, to let him love me in all the ways he wants to.

But he deserves more than a one-sided love affair. He deserves to be loved in return. To have someone who will put him first, think of his wants and needs before their own. He deserves to be loved unconditionally. He deserves someone who finds him to be the most beautiful person they’ve ever known, and not just in a physical sense.

Because he is. Beautiful, that is.

It’s not just his appearance, though that is the first thing you notice about him. His eyes, his hair, his lithe body and blemish-less skin. The way his mouth twists when he’s amused and trying not to show it, the way his eyes light up when I walk into a room. The way he commands everyone’s attention simply by being present. He is definitely a looker.

But his inner beauty is there as well, if you know where to look for it. Like how he’s stopped calling Hermione a Mudblood. The way he avoids fighting with Ron, and calling him Weasel. I know he only does that because of me - and I didn’t even have to ask, he just did it on his own because he knew it would make me happy.

It’s the way he sits in silence with me when I get upset. He never pushes me to open up to him, he just supports me, holds me when I cry and then, when I’m ready to talk, he listens without judgement. Not many people will do that. Not even for the one they love.

It’s there in the way he touches me. Softly, reverently, like I’m something sacred to him. How he kissed my eyelids that day by the lake. It was the most intimate thing I’ve ever experienced and it had nothing to do with sex.

I want Draco to have someone who will give him back all those things. The respect, the caring, the ability to let down his walls and be himself. I want him to be loved for all that he is. He deserves no less. I know his heart, and it is good, and pure, and worthy of being loved beyond all measure.

He deserves better than me.

I’m not anyone special. I’m just a boy with a hideous scar and a destiny to kill Voldemort or die trying. I’m not worthy of his love.

But I want to be.

Why? Because I just figured it out.

I love him.

Now, the question is, what do I do about it?