Book of Shadows

8

The next week is a blur of tests and by the end of it Harry is exhausted. The only thing he has left is his final project for Herbology. He found the time somewhere to go to Hogsmeade and buy a real canvas. It\'s small, only 10 x 12 but it\'s big enough for what he needs. The colors from his Agito are perfect. He puts the timing spell on the paints so they won\'t start working until he\'s finished and begins to paint. The picture he wants is fresh in his mind, he thinks he could do it with his eyes closed but he doesn\'t try.

He\'s a little clumsy with the paintbrush at first but he gets the hang of it with each stroke and his scene begins to unfold. A smooth, flat rock and the greenery of the forest behind it. When it\'s finished, it looks like a whirlwind of green and brown and red and yellow. But he can still tell each tree from each shrub.

When the paint is dry he starts on the main attraction, the center of his piece. The flat-nosed orange face is towards the audience, eyes closed and the face soon has a body lying across the stone, completely at ease. The body grows a tail that looks ready to snap at the dragonfly that is buzzing around the water\'s surface. Short legs are added, sprawled out in front of the body as the cat sleeps. He waits for the paint to dry before adding a face and whiskers. It\'s an almost perfect replica of Crookshanks in the forest and Harry wishes everyone could understand how much this painting meao hio him.

Carefully, he takes off the charm when it\'s dry and set. The trees in the background move and sway softly as if moved by a light breeze. Crookshanks tail snaps at the dragonfly. Harry waits and watches as Crookshanks stretches and sits up, cleans himself before pouncing on the insect and chasing it around the canvas. Harry smiles warmly at this great cat and his fly before dipping his quill in his ink and putting a lightning bolt in the lower left-hand corner. His signature. His first painting and he\'s so proud he feels like he might burst. He re-sets the spell so the painting stops moving and Crookshanks is sleeping on the stone again as if he never took off the timing spell. Tomorrow is the Herbology Exhibition where everyone shows what he or she has accomplished. Professor Sprout will grade them and most of the teacher\'s will be present. As an after thought, Harry scrawls at the bottom: For Hermione.

He wraps his painting in a silk shawl he snatched from Professor Trelawney and puts it safely in his trunk along with the glass jars that are holding the rest of his paint. He\'ll need them tomorrow to prove that he made them from the plant. Professor Sprout once told him that Agito paint and ordinary paint have a distinct taste and smell. He wonders if Sprout will actually taste his pigments. He hopes not as he closes the lid and locks it. Harry grabs his cloak, smoothes the fabric and realizes that this may be one of the last trips he makes down the Hogwarts hallways to the kitchen.

He covers himself with the cloak and hurries down to the kitchen to appease his appetite. He doesn\'t want to think about leaving even though that\'s all he\'s wanted to do these last six months. Dobby happily serves him a plate from dinner that evening and as he eats, Harry rolls up his sleeve and stares at his cuts and scars. He\'s safe here in the kitchens. The house elves won\'t say anything and he\'ll hear anyone who comes in. He eats slowly and stares at the pink flesh that\'s so dangerously decorated and he lets a few tears fall because this is what he has to show for his last seven years of school.

Harry leaves the kitchens and runs outside. He runs past Hagrid\'s hut and listens intently for the sound of running water when he enters the Forbidden Forest. He runs in the right direction until his lungs feel like they\'re about to burst and still he doesn\'t hear anything. Finally he sees the old stump that he passed during the first trip and he knows that in five more feet he\'ll reach the clearing. He breeches the area and feels his heart break. There\'s a clearing but it is empty. Only bare grass and tall ganglees.ees. Harry falls to his knees and feels tears well up in his eyes because his forest is gone; all that surreal beauty and it was created by magic and he can\'t get to it now. \"I\'m not insane,\" he whispers. \"Crazy, perhaps, but insanity can only be proclaimed by a court of law.\" He begins to laugh and laughing feels so right so he keeps doing it until he thinks that maybe he is insane.

He picks himself up and goes back to the castle. He stares at it as it stands against the inky sky. He can remember when this castle was imposing and frightening, when he loved it more than anything in the world, when it was his home and his heart, when everything he adored revolved around it and now he can\'t figure out whether he wants to go or stay.

He turns towards Hagrid\'s hut and sees all the lights are off and a little wisp of smoke is coming from his stone chimney. Harry smiles sadly and treks back to the school, slips past the front door and goes to the Tower. He climbs the stairs and crawls into his bed. Crookshanks curls up next to him. \"I might be crazy,\" he whispers to Crookshanks, \"but who ever had fun being sane anyway?\" Harry drifts off to sleep as the clock strikes five.

Four hours later he is setting up his canvas on the easel, provided by Professor Sprout, in the Great Hall where the exhibition is taking place. There are forty Seventh Year students who are setting up their exhibits as Harry does. He sets out the six jars of paint for Sprout to inspect and the drawings he made of the Agito in each stage of growth. Nervously he pulls off the silk wrapping around the painting and takes off the timing spell. Crookshanks begins to play all over again and Harry stands proudly beside him. He doesn\'t care if no one likes it. He created it, he made it and that is the greatest feeling in the world to him.

Hermione comes bounding over and gasps. \"Oh Harry,\" she whispers as she watches Crookshanks. Her eyes trace over the inscription. \"It\'s lovely.\"

He blushes deeply. \"Thanks. Where\'s Millicent?\"

She shrugs. \"Still setting up, I suppose. I haven\'t found her yet. I\'ve only been around to the Gryffindor displays so far. I already know what she\'s doing anyway.\" She waves good-bye and goes off to inspect more of the Herbology Exhibition. Harry can\'t bring himself to leave his work so he sits on top of the table behind his paints and his drawings and he waits for the teachers to come to him.

Dumbledore is first. He comes sweeping over and he is about to comment when he stops, literally freezes. Harry knows what has caught the Headmaster\'s attention. \"How did you-?\"

Harry smiles. \"The magic let me in.\" He wants to tell Dumbledore how beautiful the forest is and to ask why it\'s kept hidden but he doesn\'t. He just keeps smiling as Dumbledore laughs at Crookshanks and continues on to the other exhibits.

When Professor Sprout comes along she smiles warmly at him and inspects each of the jars of paint. Harry winces as she tastes each one and nods accordingly. She doesn\'t say anything about the painting or the pigments or his drawings of his Agito. He won\'t know his grade until the rest of the finals are posted. He feels like he can leave now but stays because he has to. He answers questions from the ones who come to see his exhibit and smiles proudly when it is complimented.

Harry feels his palms sweat as Snape comes to look at his project. He doesn\'t say anything as the cat plays and at one point falls into the pond. Snape\'s lips twitch upwards as Crookshanks crawls back onto his rock, sopping wet and looking ready to kill. His eyes lift and he meets Harry\'s gaze. For a split second Harry feels like the room is spinning and all the chattering has stopped. He\'s drowning in black eyes and he doesn\'t want the lifesaver. His heart sinks when Snape looks away. Harry wonders if he felt it too and he wants to say something but Snape hurries away and Harry knows that they shared something.

When the exhibition is over, Harry packs away his things and is caught by Hermione. She grabs his arm and pulls him over to the Slytherin side of the room. \"Millie!\" Hermione waves and Millicent smiles warmly. Hermione yanks Harry farther in and plants him in front of Millicent. He\'s fascinated as he watches them kiss each other in welcome. \"Harry,\" she says proudly. \"This is Millie.\"

\"Hi,\" he says and shakes her hand. He doesn\'t remember much of the conversation that takes place between the three of them but he finds that Millie really is nice and seems to dote on Hermione in a way that makes Harry feel warm inside. He decides that he wants that and perhaps if Hermione can find happiness with a Slytherin, so can he.

\"So Harry,\" Hermione grins. \"Whom do you have a crush on?\"

His eyes widened. \"Hermione!\" he whispers fiercely. \"This is not the time to have that kind of discussion.\"

She smiles. \"So you do! Who is it?\"

\"I\'m not going to tell you.\"

\"But there is someone.\"

Damn you, Hermione! \"Yes,\" he grumbles.

Millicent slips her hand into Hermione\'s. \"Anyone we know?\"

More than you probably want to, he thinks and looks around. Snape is nowhere that he can see. \"Yes.\"

Hermione\'s eyes light up. \"Which house? Or did he graduate?\"

\"Oooh did you really go with Oliver Wood?\" Millicent asks, eyes just as bright as Hermione\'s.

Harry makes a disgusted face. \"No! He was my Quidditch Captain!\"

She shrugs. \"That didn\'t stop Terence.\"

Harry\'s starting to feel queasy. He now knows more about the Slytherin Quidditch team than he ever wanted to know. \"Besides, Oliver wasn\'t my type.\"

\"What is? Tall, dark, and handsome?\"

\"Pretty much,\" he says. \"Older, too.\" Much older. \"And really sexy.\" Harry thinks his mouth might be watering now.

\"So he\'s graduated?\" Hermione\'s trying again.

Harry sighs and nods. \"Yeah, he graduated.\" He watches as most of the people in the Great Hall have started to leave and he wishes he could go with them.

\"What house?\"

He wishes that Snape could\'ve been in Ravenclaw or even Hufflepuff because he knows that they\'ll figure it out pretty quickly if he tells the truth and he\'s really sick of lying. \"You know, I really don\'t want to have this discussion. I\'ll see you later.\"

\"Wait!\"

But Harry is already propelling himself through the crowd so he can ge far far away from them as possible. can can go hide in the dormitory until they forget about him or just somewhere that will allow him to avoid them. He\'s comforted knowing that this is his last week and he\'ll never have to feel nervous around these people ever again unless there\'s a ten-year Anniversary get-together in the future. But maybe by then he\'ll feel comfortable in his own skin and he\'ll be more important than just a boy who was lucky.He\'He\'s nearly to the Tower when he hears his name called. Distinct. Female. McGonagall. He sighs as she catches up to him. \"The Headmaster wishes to see you.\" Her voice is icy and if he were any less of a man, it would\'ve made his skin crawl.

He smiles. \"Doesn\'t he always?\" She sniffs disdainfully and he sighs. \"You\'re still angry with me, aren\'t you?\"

\"Now is not the time for this discussion, Potter. Follow me.\" She sweeps past him and he follows at a safe distance.

When they arrive, there are three other students and their Hef Hof House. Susan Bones from Hufflepuff, Millicent Bulstrode from Slytherin (he wonders how she and Snape got here so fast), and Terry Boot from Ravenclaw. Harry joins them as Dumbledore enters the room. He smiles at all of them before beginning. \"As you know, next Friday will be your last here at Hogwarts. Every graduating class has one student from each house with the highest score on their N.E.W.T.s. You four are those representatives. You will be expected to compose a speech to be delivered at the pre-feast on Friday night.\" Harry blinks. He... he had the highest score in his house? Hermione was going to kill him, he was sure of it.

Dumbledore continues, \"You will speak in the order of lowest to highest score. Now, don\'t fret if you\'re the lowest. This year was very close. Terry, you will speak first, then Susan, Millicent, and Harry. Your speech be abe as long or as short as you wish. I\'m very proud of all of you. You may go.\" The other three leave chattering to each other while Harry stays rooted to the spot. This wasn\'t supposed to happen. Hermione was supposed to be here, not him. \"Is there a problem, Harry?\" Dumbledore asks.

\"Yeah, there\'s a problem! You must\'ve done the scores wrong. Hermione sd bed be here, not me.\"

He smiles softly. \"I assure you, you scored higher than Miss Granger by half a point. I\'m sure she will understand. Now, go back to your dorm and start writing. I look forward to your speech.\"

\"Sod the fucking speech!\" Harry hollers and storms out of the Headmaster\'s office. It wasn\'t supposed to be like this! He wasn\'t -wantwanted to be anonymous now. He curses himself for studying so much, for not purposely throwing his N.E.W.T.s.

He walks miserably back to the Tower as slow as his feet will carry him. He can\'t imagine what Hermione will say when she finds out. Maybe she\'ll go easy on him and the pain will be minimal, death quick. He doesn\'t see her in the Common Room as he makes his way to the dormitory. Maybe Millicent will break the news to her for him and he\'ll be saved. He takes out a roll of parchment and his quill and ink. If they want a speech, he\'ll give them one.