The Harder They Fall

Ron Weasley stood dumbly, his mouth hanging open. On one side of the room, Harry and Draco were tongue-fencing again, oblivious to the world. the the other side of the room, Ginny and Neville hid under the blankets, giggling. Professor Snape sat on the edge of a cot, his head in his hands. Headmistress McGonagall, Madame Hooch and Hermione stood in the center of the room, staring at a man with a grin to rival Gilderoy Lockhart’s, dusky good looks and the fashion sense of a teenaged bad boy.

“Who the hell are you?” Ron asked bluntly.

The demon Ahrimanes grinned, shrugging off his jacket to reveal the skin-tight t-shirt underneath. “I’m glad you asked.” He tossed the leather jacket at the headmistress. Minerva caught the garment reflexively.

Ahrimanes struck a pose. His grin faltered slightly. He stamped on the floor with one booted foot. The spotlight came on, and the music started vamping. His grin grew into a smirk.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, witches and wizards.” He winked at Minerva, who blushed. “You’ve summoned me here to answer some questions, but I have to warn you in advance, I’m not allowed to say anything about my current contract.” A flash of smoke revealed a tightly rolled contract scroll in the demon’s hand. He unrolled it and displayed it theatrically. Nobody caught a glimpse of anything other than the large words at the top: “CONTRACT” and the gray scroll of fine print that followed. “However…” He handed the contrao Mio Minerva, ran a hand through his thick wavy hair and blew the headmistress a kiss. “There’s nothing in the contract against singing!”

Resuming center stage, he began:

“When I, Ahrimanes, was hired by the minister
He asked me politely, I thought nothing sinister
To show all of Hogwarts the placid felicity
Found in arrangements of sweet domesticity

“But, said Cornelius, think of society
Don’t match them up with any impropriety
Match witch and wizard with some circumspection
Submit them first to an occult inspection

Minerva interrupted. \"Cornelius Fudge? I knew he had it in for me!\"

The demon continued as if he hadn\'t heard:“So “So I, Ahrimanes, designed with much cleverness
Such a disease that would bring sweet togetherness
The stronger your magic, the stronger the power
To feel strong desire, regardless of dower…”

“Aha!” Minerva grinned triumphantly. “So that’s why Argus didn’t do a thing for me. He’s got no magic!”

“But this old broom still does, it seems.” Madame Hooch caressed the Silver Arrow possessively.

“Ladies! Ladies!” Ahrimanes looked hurt. “As I was, er, singing, before you so rudely interrupted me…”

Indeed the invisible music was still playing “oom-pah, oom-pah” under the dialogue.

“Please, go right ahead.” Snape gestured lazy encouragement from his perch on the bed. “I can’t wait to hear about your selection process.”

“Thank you, sir!” Ahrimanes bowed in Snape’s direction and the violins came in, cueing a gentler music.

“When a powerful witch, like you miss…” Ahrimanes took Hermione’s hand and led her towards Professor Snape. “Meets a powerful wizard, like you sir…”

“Powerful feelings begin to stir
Powerful feelings, you know they must
What kind? To you, I defer!
When first you touched you felt…”

Hermione spoke up. “Mistrust?”

Ahrimanes shook his head, looking meaningfully at Snape.

“Disgust?” Snape volunteered.

“No, you silly children, lust!”

Snape’s eyebrows tried to climb his forehead and hide under his hair. “I beg your pardon. I was there.”

“He had this glare.” Hermione bobbed apologetically to the demon. “He wasn’t fair.”

“She stole things from me on a dare.” Snape frowned at Hermione.

“He wasn’t kind. I had to find…”

Ahrimanes interrupted Hermione. “The two of you were blind!”

“She was a child! I have never defiled…”

Ahrimanes interrupted Snape. “Loosen up, Severus, run a little wild!”

“You’re perfect for each other
You only need discover--
But perhaps you’re not the best example
Look over here for another sample.”

Ahrimanes approached Harry and Draco. The two young men were more interested in the contents of each others trousers than they were in the singing demon.

“From their first meeting these two were well matched
Inseparable friends from the very beginning
Many a plot between them they hatched
Many a Quiddich game together winning…”

“Oy! Not Harry and Draco, you nut!” Ron’s hands flapped wildly against the allegations. “I’m Harry’s friend. Before tonight, Harry and Draco couldn’t stand each other.”

“Oops!” Nervously, Ahrimanes darted across the room to where Ginny and Neville were re-enacting the naked scenes from “The Blue Lagoon”. The music increased its tempo and the shifted key two steps up.

“Now, these two young lovers have plenty to talk about…
Er, um… walkabout. Er…”

Ahrimanes made a gesture, slicing his hand across his throat. The music stopped abruptly. “Who am I kidding? It’s just a lust spell. Who knows if the couples matched this way are going to be happy? All they’ll have in common is a similar level of magical ability.”

“Many couples start out with less.” Minerva put herd ond on the demon’s shoulder. “This is a very nice piece of work, by the way.” She held the open contract in one hand. She’d perched her reading glasses on her nose. “It’s very subtle. If I were trying to cause trouble at Hogwarts and make the Headmistress look insane, this is exactly the sort of thing I’d do.”

Ahrimanes pointed to a paragraph on the contract, leaning close to Minerva. “That was Fudge’s idea. The rest was mine.” He stepped away, shuffling his feet.

“You’re obviously a professional.” Minerva regarded the demon shrewdly over her glasses. “So where’s the loophole?”

Ahrimanes rolled his eyes. “I can’t tell you!”

Minerva presented the open contract to him. “So show me.”

“This goes against all my professional ethics, you know.” The demon tried and failed to look hopeless and pathetic.

Snorting, Minerva just rattled the open contract in front of his face. “Nonsense. You like causing trouble. If you help us break this contract, you will cause more trouble for Fudge than you can possibly imagine.”

“What did you have in mind?” Ahrimanes nudged the contractde tde to grin at the headmistress.

“Loophole?” She asked, keeping on task.

Mutely, he pointed. Minerva read the relevant section with a growing look of doubt.

“Minerva? Would you care to share with the rest of us?” Snape stood, putting his arm around Hermione for balance.

The Headmistress summoned a chair and sat, the contract still in her hand. “Ahrimanes curse is keyed off the scent of pumpkin juice. One need not even imbibe.”

“The pumpkin juice was Minister Fudge’s idea,” Ahrimanes contributed. “I wanted to key it off of something chocolate.”

“Fine. Scent of pumpkin juice. Then what?” Snape wanted to growl, but contented himself with squeezing Hermione’s shoulders. She snuggled next to him, looking uneasy.

“The curse essentially increases your libido in proportion to how much magical ability you possess. This of course means that teachers and prize students are hardest hit.” Minerva frowned at Hermione. “This explains why the prefects were no help in clearing the hall. Furthermore, proximity to magic being worked lowers inhibitions. That explains the house elf orgy.”

“There was a house elf orgy?” Ahrimanes smirked. “Damn, I’m good!”

“The broomstick,” Rolanda realized. “The decaying charms must be leaking magic into the air.”

“The warming charm,” Hermione affirmed. “I felt a little too warm under it, if you know what I mean.”

“You mean this lotion was cha?” R?” Ron spluttered indignantly.

“Actually, Mr. Weasley, that’s an entirely non-magical unguent.” Snape felt no compunction against pointing out, however indirectly, Ron’s lack of control.

Minerva cleared her throat and plunged on. “The erotic feelings were designed to be indiscriminate until consummated with a kiss.”

“Then what?” Snape’s voice broke on this question.

“The kiss erects a magical warding around the couple. If they stray too far from each other, or are interce by by a person that they fear might come between them…”

“Kaboom.” Snape rubbed his forehead, remembering. “What’s the loophole? Blood sacrifice? Can I summon Minister Fudge here and dispatch him myself? A life in Azkaban can’t be worse than…”

Hermione sobbed, pushing away from him. “Can’t be worse than me?” She ran, shoving Ron aside from the examination room door and shutting it behind her.

“Smooth.” The demon’s obvious sarcasm elicited a glare from Snape. “She’s hot for teacher, huh?”

The Potions Master clenched five fingers together in a fist. “Don’t you dare talk about Hermione like that!”

Three steps forward and one powerful swing later, Ahrimanes was stretched out on the floor, groaning.

“And here I thought you didn’t care for her.” Thmon mon couldn’t resist twitting the tall brooding man, even with a broken nose dripping green ichor.

“Of course I care for her!” Snape was yelling now. “That’s why I don’t want her trapped in a relationship she can’t possibly want. I’m twice her age, three times as cranky and…” He faltered. “What are you all staring at?”

“Why, Severus, you sly dog!” Rolanda Hooch giggled. “You have a crush on a student!”

“Ex-student.” He spat the clarification through gritted teeth.

Ron made a face. “Ew!”

“The subject is closed. What is the loophole?” Snape crossed his arms over his chest and glared at everyone.

Ahrimanes had healed his own broken nose, but accepted Minerva’s hand up.

“I was getting to that, before you so rudely interrupted, Severus.”

“Please, Minerva.”

The Headmistress harrumphed once, settling her glasses more firmly on her nose before reading further. “Three happy couples at Hogwarts.” she concluded.

“Define happy.” Snape scowled at Ahrimanes, rightfully deciding the demon was the author of his current misery.

Ginny Weasley interrupted whatever Minerva was planning to say. “Oh, Neville! Oh, Neville, yes! Yes, Neville, Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!” Her last shriek echoed against the walls of the infirmary.

Ahrimanes cleared his throat in the stunned silence that followed. “I’d say she sounds pretty happy right now, don’t you?”

“Surely, you can’t be serious!” Minerva took her glasses off to glare at the demon more effectively.

“I am serious, but my name’s not Shirley.” Ahrimanes batted his eyelashes at the headmistress. “You can call me darling!”

Whatever she was going to say in reply was lost under the hoarse duet of: “Draco!” “Harry!” “Draco!” “Harry!” “Oh, God!” “Oh, Merlin!” “Oh, God!” “Oh, Merlin!” Hands in each other’s trousers, the two boys had let their passion overcome their good sense at last.

Ahrimanes smirked. “That’s two.”

“What you said earlier, about judging?” Rolanda Hooch licked her lips. “What did you mean, exactly?”

“Well, I have to have some proof, don’t I?” The demon waggled his eyebrows lasciviously. “How can I tell if they’re really happy if they don’t sound off? But the good news is, you need only one more happy couple and Hogwarts can go back to boring, staid, joyless old normal.”

Ron Weasley washinghing if not noble. He had defended Hogwarts against Voldemort, proved he was willing to lay down his life for the old institution. He marched himself over to Madame Hooch and propositioned her bluntly. “For the sake of Hogwarts, what say you and me get it on?”

“Oh.” Rolanda fiddled with the bristles of the Silver Arrow. “Hmm. Er. Well.”

“What? I have magic! I heard all about how it works! What’s wrong? Aren’t I wizard enough for you?” Ron looked hurt. “Aren’t I man enough for you?”

Hooch glanced at Minerva, then at Severus. “You see Ron, the problem is, you’re a little too much man for me.” She whispered into his ear. Ron Weasley blushed as only a redhead can.

Ron Weasley, having struck out once, proved that Gryffindor courage was equal to any challenge. “Headmistress McGonagall, for the sake of Hogwarts, and your job, what say…?”

“No, Ron. Regretfully, no.” Minerva shook her head. “The irregularities of this evening might be blamed on youthful high spirits. But if word got around that I had slept with a student, nothing could save me.”

“Ex-student,” Ron reminded her, but his heart wasn’t in it. He looked a little relieved, actually. He scanned the room for inspiration. “Professor Snape?”

“Mr. Weasley, do not even think it.\"

Ron put his hand up to deny the allegation. “I know you kissed Hermione. That takes you both out of consideration. I was just wondering if Madame Pomphrey is still in her office.”

“Oh. Yes. To the best of my knowledge, she is.”

Ron nodded, walked to the door and knocked assertively. “Madame Pomphrey? It’s Ron Weasley. For the sake of Hogwarts…?”

“I am having no part of this!” Poppy Pomphrey remained locked in her office.

Ron Weasley, having struck out for a third time, retired from the field.

“Severus?” Minerva McGonagall approached the subject hesitantly. “You know that if I could, I would. But if I had an affair with Rolanda that would be nearly as disastrous as one with young Mr. Weasley, here.” Professor Snape remained unmoving. “I would owe you a great favf yof you could bring yourself to...”

Severus Snape shook his head. “No, Minerva. You can’t owe me anything for doing what I’ve been longing to do. But you will owe Hermione a considerable debt, assuming she is bravely stupid enough to do what is necessary.” He faced the headmistress. “And from a Gryffindor, can I expect anything less?”

Professor Snape removed his cufflinks and rolled up his shirtsleeves with careful precision. He marched across the infirmary like a man going to his hanging. All eyes followed him. He knocked gently on the exam room door.

Hermione Granger opened the door, her eyes red from weeping, her hair straggling in her face. “What?”

He thought she had never looked so lovely. His heart nearly broke. His hand came up to caress her face, but stopped in the air between them. He sighed. “In the words of Ronald Weasley, for the sake of Hogwarts, what say you and me get it on?”

***

A/N: The blame for the beginning of this chapter lies squarely at the feet of John M. Ford (not the Elizabethan one) and the musical numbers in his Star Trek novel “How Much For Just The Planet?” However, Stephen Sondheim and W.S. Gilbert carry some blame for the excessive rhymes. I accept no blame for any of it. I am innocent, I tell you! Innocent! Oh, except for the cliffhanger. That’s entirely my fault. Review and tell me how horrible I am for leaving you hanging.