The Very Secret LiveJournals
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Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
4,566
Reviews:
97
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
4,566
Reviews:
97
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Season 2: Dobby
by
Dobby
---
Season Two
1992-93
POST 1: Crawled out of bed.
Crept softly down the marble staircase
into the grand foyer.
Hid in the shadow of the stairs.
Listened…
Current Mood: Eavesdropping
Comment: McNair, it’s about time you arrived.
Are you ready to talk about Uncle Voldie’s Secret Plan?
- Lucius
Comment: Is anyone else here?
- McNair
Comment: Just a house elf lying naked in my bed.
- Lucius
Comment: Good. Lucius, the Secret Plan is on schedule.
The Chamber of Secrets is about to be opened!
- McNair
Comment: Ooh, I love opening secret chambers.
Especially tight, smelly ones.
I mean… good work, McNair!
- Lucius
Comment: But Lucius, Uncle Voldie never told me
what would happen once the Chamber is opened.
- McNair
Comment: Isn’t it obvious?
The Dark Lord will return!
The Second War will begin!
The Death Eaters will take over the world!
- Lucius
Comment: Yeah, yeah, I know all that.
But aren’t you planning anything… saucy?
- McNair
Comment: Of course. We’re going to command a giant snake to
shag all the Mudbloods!
- Lucius
Comment: That’s it? There’s nothing… saucier?
- McNair
Comment: Well, we also plan to lure Harry Potter
down into the Chamber and deflower him.
- Lucius
Reply: I MUST PROTECT HARRY POTTER!
- Dobby
------------------
POST 2: Escaped from Malfoy Manor.
Apparated into Mr. Harry Potter’s bedroom.
Climbed into Mr. Harry Potter’s bed.
Got stuck to Mr. Harry Potter’s bedsheets.
Oh no, he’s climbing up the stairs…
Current Mood: Sticky
Comment: Er… hello.
- Harry
Reply: Mr. Harry… THOSE EYES!
So long has Dobby wanted to meet… THAT BODY!
Since when did you turn sixteen?
I thought you were supposed to be twelve.
- Dobby [standing up, still stuck to the bedsheets]
Comment: Long story. Who the hell are you?
- Harry
Reply: Dobby, sir. Dobby the house elf.
- Dobby
Comment: Why don’t you sit down?
- Harry
Reply: S-sit down? Dobby can’t, sir…
Dobby’s arse is too sore from servicing the Master!
- Dobby [wailing]
Comment: I’m sorry I asked…
- Harry
Reply: That’s why Dobby’s stuck to your bedsheets, sir.
- Dobby [still wailing]
Comment: I’m really sorry I asked…
- Harry
Reply: But Dobby promises to wash the sheets, sir,
once Dobby gets unstuck.
- Dobby
Comment: Umm… why don’t you keep the bedsheets, Dobby.
Yeah, think of them as a gift from me to you.
- Harry
Reply: A gift? Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir,
but of your goodness, Dobby never knew.
- Dobby [sobbing]
Comment: Dobby please… please be quiet.
- Harry
Reply: Dobby’s terribly sorry, sir.
It’s just that… you asked me to sit down… like an equal.
And all my Master wants me to do is bend over!
- Dobby [sobbing hysterically]
Comment: Dobby… Dobby it’s all right.
Oh my God, what’re you doing?
Don’t shove my desk lamp up your arse!
- Harry
Reply: Dobby has to punish himself, sir.
Dobby almost spoke ill of his family.
- Dobby [shoving the lamp up his arse]
Comment: You mean you get fucked by an entire family?
Please tell me they don\'t know you’re here.
- Harry
Reply: Oh no sir, no…
Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you.
- Dobby [pulling out the lamp and grabbing Hedwig]
Comment: No Dobby! Put Hedwig down!
- Harry
Comment: Put me down, you sick fuck!
- Hedwig
Reply: But Dobby’s been bad! Bad Dobby, bad Dobby!
- Dobby [shoving Hedwig up his arse]
Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Hedwig
------------------
POST 3: Mr. Harry Potter does not appreciate why
Dobby has to punish himself.
Neither does Mr. Harry Potter’s owl.
I wonder why?
Current Mood: Concerned
Comment: Dobby, will you please remove my owl from your arse before she suffocates!
- Harry
Reply: Oops.
- Dobby [unplugging Hedwig]
Comment: I NEED A FUCKING BATH! WITH BLEACH!
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, HARRY POTTER!
MARK MY WORDS!
- Hedwig
Comment: Er… why are you here, Dobby?
- Harry [Ignoring Hedwig]
Reply: Dobby has come to protect Mr. Harry Potter, to warn him,
even if he does have to punish himself again.
- Dobby
Comment: OH, HELL NO!
- Hedwig
Reply: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts school this year!
- Dobby
Comment: W-what? But I’ve got to go back – term starts on September first.
It’s all that’s keeping me going. You don’t know what it’s like here.
I don’t belong here. I belong in your world…
Hey, put that violin down! It’s not funny!
- Harry
Reply: Dobby is very sorry, sir.
It’s just that Mr. Harry Potter is wallowing in self-pity,
so Dobby wanted to give him some musical accompaniment.
- Dobby [playing “Hearts and Flowers” on the violin]
Comment: Whatever. Dobby, there\'s no way that you\'re gonna convince me
not to return to Hogwarts. I promised Ron I\'d bone his semi-virgin arse…
- Harry
Reply: No, no, no. Mr. Harry Potter won\'t be safe. There is a plot…
A sinister plot to take Mr. Harry Potter dry!
- Dobby
Comment: Been there, done that.
- Harry
Reply: By a well endowed beast!
- Dobby
Comment: Been there, done that.
- Harry
Reply: With the surname of Malfoy!
- Dobby
Comment: I didn’t know Draco was a top. How interesting.
- Harry
Reply: Harry Potter, please. You can’t go back to Hogwarts.
You will lose your precious virginity!
- Dobby
Comment: Virginity? I’m not a virgin.
Between the troll and the Potions Master, I’m still wearing Depends.
- Harry
Reply: Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.
- Dobby
Comment: But Mr. Harry Potter’s arse isn’t.
- Hedwig
Comment: Hey!
- Harry
------------------
POST 4: Dobby has been very very very bad.
Current Mood: Bad
Comment: Dobby? Dobby, what’re you doing?
- Harry
Reply: Dobby must be punished, sir.
Dobby’ betrayed his Master’s trust again.
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
- Dobby [banging his head against the wall]
Comment: Dobby please! You can’t make this much noise!
Can’t you punish yourself quietly?
- Harry
Reply: No. But yoooooooou can…
- Dobby
Comment: ME? WHAT?
- Harry
Reply: Beat Dobby! Spank Dobby! Shame Dobby!
Dobby is very very bad!
- Dobby
Comment: WHAT?!!
- Harry
Reply: Bad Dobby’s very flexible, sir.
Bad Dobby can take it all!
- Dobby
Comment: NO!
- Harry
Comment: You mean you have standards, Harry?
- Hedwig
Comment: Well, I do find Dobby strangely attractive, but not that attractive!
- Harry
Comment: But I thought you have a penis?
- Hedwig
Reply: Bad Dobby can take the whole penis, sir.
- Dobby
Comment: Hedwig, I am going to murder you.
- Harry
Comment: I told you I would have my revenge.
- Hedwig
Reply: Bad Dobby’s also into fisting, sir.
Bad Dobby can take both fists.
- Dobby
Comment: Oh dear God!
- Harry and Hedwig
Reply: Bad Dobby also does a good sheep imitation, sir.
BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- Dobby
Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- Harry and Hedwig
------------------
POST 5: Mr. Harry Potter still wants to go back to Hogwarts School.
Dobby knows the perfect way to convince him to stay home.
Current Mood: Plotting
Comment: Dobby, I have to go back to Hogwarts. I want to be with my friends and fuck buddies.
- Harry
Reply: Friends and fuck buddies who don’t write to Harry Potter?
- Dobby
Comment: How do you know my friends and fuck buddies haven’t been writing to me?
- Harry
Reply: Mr. Harry Potter mustn’t be angry with Dobby.
Dobby hoped… if Mr. Harry Potter thought his friends and fuck buddies
had forgotten him… he might not want to go back to school, sir.
- Dobby [removing a HUGE WAD of sticky letters from his grubby outfit]
Comment: Dobby, have you been stopping my mail?
- Harry
Comment: Umm… duh.
- Hedwig
Comment: Give me those…
- Harry
Comment: Umm… d’you know where those letters have been?
- Hedwig
Comment: NOW!
- Harry [lunging at Dobby]
Reply: Mr. Harry Potter will have them, sir,
if he gives Dobby his word that he won’t go back to Hogwarts.
- Dobby
Comment: No. Give me my friends letters!
[lunges at Dobby, misses him]
At least give me the letters from my fuck buddies!
- Harry
Reply: Then Mr. Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice.
- Dobby
Comment: Don’t shove the letters up your arse!
- Harry
------------------
POST 6: Mr. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.
Mr. Harry Potter is planning to go back to Hogwarts.
Then Dobby must resort to Plan B.
Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter so that the Master won’t want his mangled arse.
Current Mood: Sprinting down the stairs and levitating Aunt Petunia’s chocolate pudding
Comment: No… please… they’ll kill me.
- Harry
Reply: Mr. Harry Potter must say that he’s not going back to Hogwarts.
- Dobby
Comment: I can’t.
- Harry
Reply: Then Dobby must do this, sir, for Mr. Harry Potter’s own good.
- Dobby [transfiguring the pudding into a giant chocolate dildo
and sending it barreling towards Harry’s arse]
Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Harry
------------------
POST 7: Looked in Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.
Discovered that being deflowered by a giant chocolate pudding sex toy
does not constitute a loss of virginity.
Damn…
Current Mood: Crushed
Comment: Dobby, can I borrow your chocolate pudding sex toy?
- Fred
Comment: You dirty whore! You’re cheating on me!
- George
Comment: I thought sex toys don’t count.
- Fred
Comment: They do when they’re that big.
- George
Comment: How would you know how big it is?
- Fred
Comment: Er… no reason.
- George
Comment: George…
- Fred
------------------
POST 8: Dobby must stop Mr. Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts School.
Dobby will seal up the portal at Platform Nine and Three-quarters
so that Mr. Harry Potter will get a head injury crashing into it.
It\'s the only way to keep Harry Potter safe from harm…
Current Mood: Plotting
Comment: OWWWWWW! MY HEAD!
THAT FUCKING HURT!
- Harry [crashing into the sealed platform]
Comment: BLOODY HELL!
WE\'RE GOING TO MISS THE TRAIN!
- Ron
Reply: Hee hee hee… Good Dobby, good Dobby.
- Dobby
Comment: What\'re we gonna do now?
- Harry
Comment: Well, we could shag in the back seat of my parent\'s car.
- Ron
Comment: THE CAR!
- Harry and Hedwig
Reply: Oh fuck!
- Dobby
------------------
POST 9: Dobby has failed again…
Dobby must punish himself unless Dobby comes up with another brilliant plan.
That\'s it! Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter with a rogue bludger!
Current Mood: Still scheming
Comment: Why are we playing Quidditch with a rogue bludger?
- Harry
Comment: Don’t ask silly questions, Potter.
The rogue bludger will distract attention while I hit on Minerva.
- Madam Hooch
Comment: Ha ha, I\'m gonna beat Potter to the golden snitch!
- Draco
Comment: Look out, Draco! The bludger\'s gonna take you dry!
- Harry
Comment: NO, I PROMISED I’D SAVE MY VIRGINITY FOR…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Draco [getting impaled by the rogue bludger]
Comment: THAT\'S GOTTA HURT!
- Entire Audience
Reply: Dammit! I didn\'t tell the bludger which virgin seeker to deflower!
The brunette! You\'re supposed to shag the brunette!
- Dobby
Comment: But he\'s not a virgin.
- Bludger
Reply: Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.
- Dobby
Comment: Whatever.
- Bludger
Comment: Hermione, the bludger plunging towards Harry’s arse,
and he’s completely oblivious!
- Ron
Comment: Let me handle this.
STOP MR. BLUDGER! I WILL CURSE YOU IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT!
- Hermione
Comment: Yeah. Whatever, bitch.
- Bludger
Comment: Yay, I caught the golden snitch… again!
And this time I didn\'t swallow it!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
- Harry [getting plugged by the rogue bludger]
Comment: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Hermione
Comment: HE CAN TAKE THE WHOLE BLUDGER?
- Entire Audience
------------------
POST 10: Reread the Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.
Unfortunately, being plugged by a rogue bludger does not
constitute a loss of virginity.
Double damn.
Current Mood: Devastated
Comment: Dobby!
- Harry [recovering in the Infirmary]
Reply: Mr. Harry Potter came back to school.
He should have heeded Dobby\'s warning.
Why didn\'t Harry Potter go home after he missed the train?
- Dobby
Comment: How d’you know I missed the train?
- Harry
Comment: Umm… isn\'t it bloody obvious?
- Hedwig
Comment: It was you! You stopped the barrier from letting us through.
- Harry
Comment: Shocker.
- Hedwig
Reply: Indeed yes, sir. And Dobby was so stunned when
Mr. Harry Potter found another way to Hogwarts that he let his Master\'s dinner burn.
Such a fucking Dobby never had, sir.
- Dobby
Comment: You nearly got Ron and me expelled, you idiot…
- Harry
Reply: Dobby\'s used to name calling, sir.
Master calls Dobby names five times a day.
He especially likes calling me Goldilocks, Robin,
and Felicia the Skanky Ewe.
- Dobby
Comment: Felicia?
- Hedwig
Reply: BAAAAAA!
- Dobby
Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- Harry
Reply: [blows his nose on his filthy pillowcase outfit]
- Dobby
Comment: Dobby, why d’you wear such a thing?
- Harry
Reply: It’s my Master’s cum rag.
Tis a mark of the house elf’s enslavement, sir.
Dobby can only be freed if his Master presents him with new clothes.
- Dobby
Comment: The horror! The horror!
- Hedwig
Reply: Harry Potter must go home.
Dobby thought his bludger was enough to…
- Dobby
Comment: Your bludger! What d’you mean, your bludger?
- Harry
Comment: [whacks head against cage repeatedly]
- Hedwig
Comment: You made that bludger try and kill me?
- Harry
Reply: Not kill you, sir, never kill you.
Dobby wanted the bludger to deflower you!
- Dobby
Comment: BUT I’M NOT A VIRGIN!!
- Harry
Reply: Nonsense, Mr. Harry Potter has never been plucked.
- Dobby
Comment: Well, he sure as hell has been fucked.
- Hedwig
Comment: HEDWIG!
- Harry
Reply: You must understand.
Dobby wanted to save Mr. Harry Potter’s virgin arse.
Better to be sent home, impaled by a rogue bludger,
than to remain here, sir.
- Dobby
Comment: DOBBY, THANKS TO YOU, I HAVE NO FEELING LEFT IN MY CHEEKS!
- Harry
Comment: Actually, I think you should thank the anesthetic
Poppy used when she had to extract the bludger… remember?
- Hedwig
Comment: Whatever.
- Harry
------------------
POST 11: Mr. Harry Potter saved the Wizarding World… again!
Mr. Harry Potter didn’t get deflowered in the Chamber of Secrets.
The Master is quite annoyed that he didn\'t get to pluck The Boy Who Lived.
The Master thinks I warned him.
But it turns out that Mr. Harry Potter wasn’t a virgin after all!
Current Mood: Pleasantly surprised
Comment: I’ll deal with you later, Felicia.
- Lucius
Reply: Baaaaaa…
- Dobby
Comment: Wait, Mr. Malfoy, I have something that belongs to you.
- Harry [handing Lucius a sock]
Comment: What the fuck is this?
[flinging the sock aside]
Come, Dobby. I said come.
- Lucius
Reply: Not anymore. Master gave Dobby a sock.
- Dobby
Comment: WHAT?
- Lucius
Reply: Master threw it and Dobby caught it.
Dobby is free!
- Dobby
Comment: You lost me my catamite, Potter!
- Lucius [drawing his wand]
Comment: I cannot believe you referred to that thing as your catamite.
- Hedwig
Reply: You shall not harm Harry Potter!
- Dobby [ignoring Hedwig]
Comment: Avada Ked… AHHHHHHHHHH!
- Lucius [getting whacked in the head with the sock]
Reply: Now get out of here before I whack you with my grubby outfit…
- Dobby
Comment: Oh shit!
- Lucius [hurrying out of sight]
Reply: Harry Potter freed Dobby!
Harry Potter set Dobby free!
- Dobby
Comment: Dobby, just make me one promise.
Never try to save my arse again.
- Harry
Reply: [hugging Harry]
- Dobby
Comment: Awwwwwwww… this is so… touching.
- Hedwig [tearing up]
Comment: Oh Dobby…
- Lucius
Reply: What’re you doing back here?
You’re not adhering to canon.
- Dobby
Comment: I just realized that my forehead’s sticky.
- Lucius
Reply: Huh?
- Dobby, Harry and Hedwig
Comment: The sock you whacked me with was full of manjuice.
That was a used sock! You’re still my little catamite!
- Lucius
Reply: [glares at Harry]
- Dobby and Hedwig
Comment: Sorry, Dobby… I’m a growing boy.
- Harry [blushing]
Reply: Mr. Harry Potter soiled Dobby’s sock.
Dobby isn’t free.
- Dobby
Comment: C’mon, Dobby. Think on the bright side.
Tonight you might even get to play… Robin!
- Lucius
Reply: Do I get to say, “What are you putting in my arse, Batman”?
- Dobby
Comment: Maaaaaybe.
- Lucius
Comment: Oh dear God!
- Harry and Hedwig
Reply: How about, “Holy guacamole Batman, that’s a big enchilada”?
- Dobby
Comment: Yeeeeeeeees.
- Lucius
Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- Harry and Hedwig
--------------------------------------
Looking for more? Here are excerpts from a future posting of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
Uncle Vernon
POST: Invited the Masons over for dinner.
With any luck, this will be the most important deal of my career.
And there\'s no way that Potter boy will ruin it for me!
Current Mood: Determined
Comment: BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- Dobby
Reply: I’m sorry for the noises upstairs, Mrs. Mason.
Dudley must have left his television on the Discovery Channel…
I’d better go up and check.
[climbing up the stairs and opening the bedroom door]
What – the – devil – are - you – doing, boy?
- Uncle Vernon
Comment: Nothing…
- Harry
Comment: [bats eyes innocently]
- Hedwig
Comment: [hides in closet]
- Dobby
Reply: When did you turn your bloody pigeon brown?
I thought she was white?
- Uncle Vernon
Comment: She was…
- Harry
Comment: [bats eyes innocently]
- Hedwig
Comment: [hides in closet]
- Dobby
Reply: Silence. One more sound out of you or that filthy pigeon and
you’ll wish you’ve never been born, boy.
- Uncle Vernon
Comment: Hoot! Hoot!
- Hedwig
Comment: Baaaaaa!
- Dobby
Reply: WHAT?
- Uncle Vernon
Comment: [bats eyes innocently]
- Hedwig
Comment: [hides in closet]
- Dobby
------------------
Gilderoy Lockhart
POST: I\'m so pretty. Oh so pretty.
I\'m so pretty, and witty, and GAY!
Current Mood: Singing
Comment: I didn\'t know you were a homosexual.
- Albus
Comment: Umm… duh.
- Hedwig
Comment: [faints]
- Molly Weasley
Reply: Nonsense, I am very straight.
- Gilderoy [flashing his signature smile]
Comment: Really?
- Molly [recovering]
Comment: Oh pleases, Mum, he\'s a raunchy pig bottom.
- Ginny
Comment: [faints again]
- Molly
Reply: I am NOT a homosexual!
- Gilderoy
Comment: Aww… isn’t that just adorable? He’s in the closet.
- Millicent
Comment: [faints]
- Lavender
Comment: Perhaps I should offer him some of my special Vaseline potion?
- Severus
Comment: Maybe he’d like some Crabbe-meat?
- Crabbe
Comment: [faints]
- Poppy
Reply: I don\'t believe this. I am not a flaming poof!
- Gilderoy
Comment: Oh really, then our last detention meant nothing to you.
- Fred
Comment: You dirty bastard!
You’re cheating on me… AGAIN!
- George
Reply: That was just a fluke… really.
- Gilderoy
Comment: And what about our detention?
Was that a fluke… too?
- Wood [winking at Gilderoy]
Reply: Oh, yeah. That, too…
- Gilderoy
Comment: [faints]
- Sibyll
Reply: But I can\'t be gay. All the women adore me.
- Gilderoy
Comment: It\'s the curse of the pink wand. They love all us closet cases.
- Draco
Comment: You\'re gay, too?
- Pansy
Comment: [walks away whistling]
- Draco
Comment: Oh for heaven\'s sake, why are all the blokes gay?
- Hermione
Comment: Because this is HP slash fanfiction.
All of the guys are gay except Filch and Hagrid… ‘cause that\'s just nasty.
- Harry
Comment: What are you talking about? Master Filch porks me every night.
- Hagrid
Comment: WHAT? YOU UNFAITHFUL WHORE!
- Fang
Comment: [faints]
- Everyone at Hogwarts
---------------------
Author notes: Hello again. Well, I have completed revamped Dobby\'s Very Secret LiveJournals, and now it\'s time to parody the rest of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. And yes, I will definitely mock and slash Ginny, the Basilisk, the Dueling Club, young buck Tom Riddle, Harry speaking Parseltongue, anything dealing with Gilderoy Lockhart, and, of course, the Whomping Willow.
Which LiveJournal should I write next? Ginny? Draco? Ron? Lucius?
PLEASE REVIEW!