Searching My Soul

Searching My Soul
by snapesgirl1981

AN: Since somebody asked me to notify you when I update- I would love to but please mail me to my email address snapesgirl1981@yahoo.com.au and I will add you to a list of people I notify. It makes me feel very honoured and I would love to announce further updates. This might be even more important in the future, since I could be accepted for a job soon and this would make updates less frequent. Some answers to interesting comments and questions at the end.

Chapter 8

Surprisingly the next days passed in a haze, seemed to fly past so fast that sometimes Harry was filled with unease at the thought of his friends arriving in London. It was not that he didn't want them around, because that was not true but more that he feared the companionable silence between him and Snape would wither to the old hatred. He wondered if maybe he had to move back then or if he was to stay in Snape's chamber. Not that he was around much but Harry suspected that for some reason his teacher felt uncomfortable sleeping in one bed with him, so he stayed up and worked or was completely absent. Thank god Snape never addressed what had happened that one morning or the topic of Harry's possible sexual orientation since Harry wasn't in the mood to discuss any of this. He still wrestled with the thought of maybe being interested in men and even so some part of him had already accepted that knowledge as fact he was still trying to fight it.

It wasn't that he had problems with the concept of homosexuality, it was just the thought of him being homosexual was difficult to accept. It didn't help that he began to wonder about Snape's or Dumbledore's orientation which in exchange made him highly uncomfortable around those two who were extremely skilled in legillimency. The only good thing was that while the wound of Sirius' death had not yet healed Harry was simply to busy with potions reading, lessons with Snand hnd his own thoughts to ponder much over his loss. The dreams had got better which had everything to do with the fact that he was staying in Snape's room for the night and maybe a little with a simple potion the professor had ordered Harry to take after he had been almost attacked one night while trying to wake up the boy from a nightmare.

One morning, Harry was still in bed since he had read up on healing potions till long after midnight, he was awoken by loud noises downstairs and voices that he recognised instantly as his best friends'- Hermione and Ron had finally arrived. He was surprised to find that this thought filled him with gladness and after quickly changing into clothes he sneaked out of his room. Snape had left yesterday evening without an excuse which was quite normal and not yet returned. At least Harry had not yet seen him and usually the potions Master took a shower when he returned. Deep inside his guts Harry felt a startling sensation of worry- he couldn't help but wonder where Snape was right now and if he was alright.

The hallway was littered with pieces of luggage and many trunks but none of the Weasley's could be seen anywhere even so Pidwidgeon was sitting inside a cage placed carelessly on the floor and he hooted accusingly. Harry shot him a short glance and then made his way to the kitchen stepping over at least four trunks.

“Wait a seco he he thought suddenly. Why were there four trunks? It was only Hermione, Ginny and Ron and for a minute Harry pondered that thought but then shrugged and pushed open the door revealing the Weasleys sitting around the table obviously having some late breakfast. Before Harry had a chance to say one word he was simultaneously hugged by Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Mrs Weasley.

“Oh Harry, I am so glad to see you are okay!” Hermione said finally letting him catch some breath.

noddnodded his eyes sparkling. “Yeah man, I can't tell you how relieved I am that we are going back to school. Fred and George were like the pest in the burrow.”

brought some chocolate cake along since we missed your birthday, Harry.“ She instantly got busy with handing him a large piece of cake and sitting on her chair again.

In this moment Harry also discovered who was responsible for the fourth trunk since the round face of Neville Longbottom grinned at him sheepishly and chocolate cake pieces were flying in all directions when he tried to speak with his mouth full.

„'ello Harry. Professor Dumbledore thought it was a good idea to get me here before school starts. My grandma was all pleased, she thinks you are a hero and wants me to learn stuff from you.“ He took a deep breath and nearly wiped his cup ofe tae table as he tried to sweep some pieces of cake away.

„Neville and Tonks in one house, this will probably mean that we are lucky if it survives without being completely destroyed.“ Harry thought idly and almost choked when Ron pushed his elbow into Harry's ribs.

„Hey man, I think Tonks wanted to pull our legs when we arrived. She said you are sleeping in Snape's bedroom. I mean come on, I don't think you would be alive by now if yod.“ d.“ He snickered and Harry frowned.

„She wasn't pulling your leg Ron.“ Harry faced his friend's disbelieving face stoically. „Dumbledore thought it was safer since we haven't received any news of Voldemort's whereabouts.“ The sight of Ron cringing when he mentioned the dark wizard's name was amusing. „I survived as you might see and no, I am not under imperius or possessed in any other way when I say that Snape has even shown some manners and an all in all civil behaviour towards me.“

Ron opened his mouth as if to speak but then snapped it shut when Hermione cleared her voice. She shot her friend a quick warning glance and then smiled at Harry. „I am sure he is, I was never convi tha that he is evil in any way as you might remember but then I am not as childish as little Ronnie here.“ She shot him another dirty look which made the red-haired boy blush.

Remus Lupin looked up the the first time and smiled gently. „I am sure that Professor Dumbledore is right with trusting Severus with Harry's safety and so far I haven't heard any complaints from either of the two. Grudges can be overcome in time even ones that are decades old.“ He glanced at Harry with a knowing smile and averted his eyes again. „Can I have some more cake, Molly- it is as always delicious.“

With that the topic was closed and Harry was relieved. He was scared enough as it was to reveal too muchh hih his defence of the potions Master and he attacked his cake not listening to any of the others. The worried feeling had returned as he noticed that nobody had yet addressed Snape's absence and in fear of being questioned further he didn't dare to ask.

Snape returned late that evening incredibly pale as he stepped into the rhis his left arm close to his body which didn't look natural at all. He didn't cast Harry another look and undid his robes revealing a black shirt and dark pants that as Harry's mind noticed almost on its own accord clung to his body in all the right places. He inhaled when Snape undid the buttons of his shirt silently groaning when he pushed it off his own shoulders. The sight made Harry's libido behave instantly as he took in the slash on the's r's right upper arm starting at his shoulder and ending at his elbow. Blood had tried around the edges and at some places blood was still dripping to the carpet.

Quickly Harry got up and stepped to his teacher who had opened a smaller trunk that contained all kinds of vials labelled and sorted into categories. He pulled out two small ones and a piece of cloth and sat down on the arm chair still not talking to Harry.

„Can I help you with anything?“ Harry asked watching Snape as the maied ied in vain to clean the cut that on closer inspection had now turned yellow around the edges.

For a second it looked as if Snape had not heard him at all but then he looked up. His eyes were clouded with pain and he stared at Harry as if he had never seen him before. His complexion was even paler and his hand began to tremble as he tried to apply more pressure on the wound.

Panic wanted to grip the boy but he inhaled deeply knowing that he hadstaystay calm and help Snape. A terrible suspicion arose within Harry- the wound looked as if it was poisoned. He gently took the cloth from Snape's lifeless fingers and carefully helped him up from his chair leading him to the bed. It worried him immensely that he wasn't chiding him about anything but simply accepting his help. This wasn't a good sign- Harry was sure of that.

But still the thought of leaving and getting somebody more advanced with healing magic to help him never crossed Harry's mind. He rather looked at the twals als and decided for one that smelled of all kinds of herbs and seemed to contain much alcohol- it was labelled as Cleaning Draft. When he let the green liquid soak the cloth it seemed to be alive somehow. He hesitated but then another one of Snape's groan made him react. The man's face was bathed in sweat and he seemed to pant heat radiating from him. Harry pressed the cloth against the feverish skin and prayed to god that it would work.

Remarks to some comments:

First thank you to the one who offered to beta but I have no complaints yet about lack of grammar or spelling so I don't think I need it yet. But if I ever need some beta job done I come back to you okay?
Somebody asked if Dumbledore was trying to set things in motion with making Harry sleep in Snape's room and well – you never know with him right? He is all knowing in the end and maybe he wants to simply see where things are going. But then Harry is a minor and a student which makes him the headmaster's responsibility so maybe he just wants to make the coming out easier for Harry? Clueless enough?
Snape is definitely a true Slytherin, in thinking and acting. And love and gaining an advantage are sometimes nearer to each other than you think. Maybe the way things turn out might surprise the potions Master, and maybe just maybe he will find out that sometimes things are not what they seem?
Snape is no vampire, but he is a skilled legilimens so maybe he just knows. We have not yet have much insight into his set of mind so we are not sure. I tell you as soon as he lets me know okay?

Please astound me with further questions and comments- words of praise are encouraged as well. Review if you like this.