Revenge of a Hermione Scorned.

A/N: Am ashamed to admit, I have not read ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’, for reasons of being a literary snob and attempting to rebel against the masses. However I have seen the film (and enjoyed it thoroughly, although perhaps more for Messer’s Firth and Grant than the storyline) and shall attempt to rectify this immediately. The style I write in is an attempt at abbreviation developed through many emails and texts with my best friend, however, it often ends up being far more overblown and ‘wordy’ than perhaps it should be. We are English students; we crave words of over three syllables, and the smugness that evolves from using them in every day conversations! Perhaps it is also an insight into the way I think… I hope I haven’t disturbed you all too much, at this moment in time can still just about function in normal society. *hears the distant sounds of the white men approaching, getting louder all the time in manner similar to ‘The Tell Tale Heart’.*



And so the end approaches. My other fics demand attention, and this was only supposed to fill in the long gaps caused by my temporary writer’s block, however the positive responses of my reviewers might lead to finding myself once more dipping my toe into the deep waters that are HG/SS fics. To be honest, am finding this exhausting, and as can sense my comedic timing slipping from my fragile grasp, I would much rather leave this on a bang (mwahahaha – evil laugh) than a whimper. If you have enjoyed it, please tell all your friends, and review copiously.



My thanks again to Shem, as I have shamelessly stolen without permission, her words from her last review, just because they tickled me pink, and are far too humourous and thought provoking simply not to.



To all my other reviewers: My thanks, with special mentions to Rilla (offer still stands) Nesscafe (tis an honour to be reviewed by thee, as is to be reviewed by Rilla) Jessicat1982 (I think, am writing from memory, apologies my dear, your kind words much appreciated) Kiristeen, Lady Aidil who’s kind words are misguided, but always delightful tad, ad, Talene for her constant demands for more, *ego swelling rapidly* and the best of luck to Snarkysnape for her SATS, I wish you all the knowledge, and the ability to recall it all at the vital moment, in the world! et al. I shall try and include thanks to everyone at some point, but the response was quite frankly overwhelming. I thank you all.



Smut approacheth…. Thou hast been warned…



A tired, and still demanding booze, in the puerile belief that it will come on demand…



Daya.



*



I am, quite frankly, beginning to wish I had never gotten myself involved in all of this. It would have been far more easier, far less painful, and far less time consuming to just simply have ignored Professor Snape’s harsh comments and simply gotten on with life in the manner I best deemed fit.



Of course, that would never have happened. But at least I would not be in Albus Dumbledore’s office, facing the bollocking of a life time. Perhaps there is still time to request transfer. Somewhere far, far away. Venezuela. Papua New Guinea. The Arctic Circle. Anywhere were the only people I have to face either don’t speak the English language, are cannibals, or are penguins.



No, penguins are in Antarctica. Also a viable option right now. Perhaps could set self up as Self Proclaimed Queen of the Penguins and rule my masses in peace for the next fifty years. Or train them as stealth penguins, and launch a night time attack on Snape…



Death by penguins.



Appears mind has finally cracked. About bloody time, is miracle it lasted this long. I thought walking in on Harry and Draco that time might have finished me off (I had no idea that a hairbrush could be that versatile. See, my inexperience sometimes astounds even myself) but no, it seems that my mind is slipping away from me at this moment in time, quaking in my boots as Albus Dumbledore glares at me, and Severus Snape attempts to kill me using only the power of thought.



All Hail Hermione Granger, Queen of the Penguins.



In my entire time in Hogwarts, as either student or trainee apprentice Potions Mistress, have never seen Dumbledore in a such a state of fury. Is quite disconcerting the way he keeps eying up large pointy sword that I can only assume is the blade of Gryffindor…



Wonder if he’s about to reveal obscure school rule dating from Middle Ages that will allow him to hold a public execution in the School Grounds. Must allow feminist principles to hold forth, and insist Snape goes first, will take great pleasure in seeing that head detached. Although will make last request a new beheading block, do not wish to have to use anything after Snape. />
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Risk sneaky glance at him, where he stands vehemently still, a stark contrast to my own semi trembling state. Wonder if he’s thinking the same thing as me…



I will interpret from the glare he just shot me that his thoughts do indeed involve pointy sharp objects, but are perhaps more directed at using them on me, than his own beheading…



Have sudden mental image of Severus Snape impaling me. Does not involve swords though. Although definitely a long pointy object…And a certain amount of general panting…



Hmm, must focus on severity of situation, and not own desperate sexual desires. Is fine line between love and hate? Or at least fine line between hate and desire to fuck Severus’s brains out. Am sure he must have learntrickrick or two over the years, and have always been a willing student… Oh my, am getting aroused rather quickly, who would have thought all those years ago when I first glared at him during my first potions lesson, that a decade later I would have come to the conclusion that Severus Snape is sex on a stick. I wish to lap him up like an ice cream on a hot day. Or at least lap at other things. Swirling my tongue around the velvety tip of his…OW!



Have just been elbowed viciously in ribs by Ginny. Appears Dumbledore has been talking for quite some time…



‘…never has their been such a scene at the breakfast table at Hogwarts, am most disappointed in all of you, and your involvement in this sad situation. Miss Granger, would you kindly please give me your entire attention?’



Damned daydream won’t go away. Had just reached part where I am tugging Severus (not by his hand mind) towards a vast green tiled shower, when am once more rudely interrupted.



‘Sorry, Professor Dumbledore,’ I mumble.



‘Humph.’



General soft snort from Snapish direction. As he is standing behind me, slyly place hand behind back and flick him the finger. Bastard.



‘As I was saying, this is a sad situation, I am amazed that a group of people so intelligent…’ Dumbledore pauses and shoots glance at Chloe, who, used to having her intelligence questioned, simply shrugs this away. ‘… have used their intellect for petty revenge games rather than the advancement of our kind.’



Have decided Albus can be a patronising sod when he wants e. e. Feel like five year being scolded. Feet shuffle involuntarily.



‘I am well aware of the circumstances surrounding the events of this morning, I am Headmaster of this school, I know approximately ninety percent of the occurrences within these grounds, however despite my advanced age and knowledge, I cannot, for the life of me, fathom out why two of the most gifted individuals ever to pass through the doors of Hogwarts should behave in such a way! Not to mention the repeated involvement of Miss Weasley and Miss Reynolds, both of whom should have known better!’



Am glad Ginny and Chloe’s involvement had been recognised here. Especially as this is all entirely their fault.



‘She started it!’ Snape suddenly declares pointing an accusatory finger in my direction.



Appears inner five year old is also taking control of Professor Snape. However at that moment, and in light of what he just said, my inner five year olcidecides to attack his inner five year old.



Have just launched self at Snape with war howl worthy of Boudica. Well, if he can act like a petty schoolboy, I can act like a petty schoolgirl.



In a flurry of tangled limbs, cursing, pinching, scratching, thumping and kicking, discover something very enlightening about Snape. He fights like a girl. That is to say; sneakily, dirtily, passionately, and with claws… (Lusty part of me asks ‘how does this translate to the bedroom department?’… am awfully aware of fact am straddling Snape…even if I am attempting to throttle him…)



In the midst of all this am also aware that Chloe, Ginny and Albus are staring at us, as the potions master and his apprentice scrap on floor like children. I can well imagine what a spectacle we are making of ourselves, but as Snape digs those long fingers into my ribs, I really don’t care… (hmm, those long fingers could be put to so much better use, ah, fuck, that hurts!) furious attempt to lock fingers round his throat increases…



Can feel someone tugging at me, and am aware that two more sets of limbs are suddenly involved, appears Ginny and Chloe have attempted to try and separate us…



‘ENOUGH!’



Albus’s tone would stop even a rampaging army of stealth penguins in its tracks, let alone a squabbling Snape and I.



We freeze… am sure if anyone walked in right now, they would think they were hallucinating.



Professor Snape is lying on the floor, frozen in the act of pulling my hair, and trying to give me a Chinese burn at the same time, while Chloe is trying to drag his arms away, I am straddling him, hands locked round his throat and attempting to bite my way through his robes while Ginny holds tightly onto my left ankle that is suspended at a forty five degree angle from the floor. Am sure leg is not supposed to bend in that way…



‘THIS IS THE BLOODY LIMIT!’ Albus roars.



Still frozen… still straddling Snape.



‘I-will-not-have-staff-members-behaving-in-this-way-not-even-the-1989-catfight-between-Sybil-and-Hooch-was-this-childish-and-that-involved-food-and-bitchslapping!’



Albus appears to either be talking through gritted teeth, or is close to hyperventilating.



Am unable to tell in present state. Moodily untangle myself from Snape and we continue to glare at each other. Am sure if we were cats, we would be fluffed up and hissing at each other by this point.



‘This cannot go unpunished, I will not allow behaviour like this in my school. Even the students behave better than you two right now, and that includes the Slytherins!’



Albus is raving. Almost wish his twinkle would appear back in his eyes, would be far more prefavourable than psychotic glare that glows in them now.



‘Get out! I will give this matter great consideration. I cannot punish you Miss Weasley, or Miss Reynolds, but might I suggest you consider your actions next time, or you may find yourself reported to the head of your University for meddling with Hogwarts business. Miss Granger, and Professor Snape, I can assure you though, your punishment shall be worthy of the crime…’



Gulp. Do not even want to consider punishment right now. Am far more focused on wondering if I can continue fight with Professor Snape once we get outside office, am sure have bald patch on right side of head where he yanked my hair…



Toss remaining hair back in haughty gesture, and flounce towards door in subconscious race to beat Snape to door. Unfortunately he has same idea and we shove each other unceremoniously out of the way.



‘Stop.’



We stop. More due to amused humour in tone rather than any sense of command. Both of us turn suspiciously…



‘I believe I do have a suitable punishment for both of you…’



Gah. Amused Albus is far more terrifying than Angry Albus. There is something far more sadistic in his amusement.



‘Yes Headmaster?’ Snape has adopted cool manner, and quickly glancing in my direction, turns to face Albus. Adopt same idea, and eyes narrowed, become ice maiden in my response.



Albus gives a chuckle that sends a bolt of lightning down my spine. Am suddenly highly suspicious, he is enjoying this far too much…



‘I have realised that there is perhaps an appropriate punishment available for both of you. As this sordid chain of events began with the New Years Ball, which as I recall, neither of you made it to, despite my express orders that you do so, it seems fitting that it should also end with a ball. The Valentines Ball that takes place this weekend perhaps.’



Stomach drops like sto Sna Snape is defying nature by going even paler than usual, a feat I thought impossible. Albus is no doubt aware of our discomfort.



‘Therefore, I think that your punishment shall be to chaperone the Valentines Ball, since no other teacher has volunteered.’



Of course no one has volunteered. Not after last years spiking of the drinks that led to Sprout’s now infamous strip tease, the Bloody Baron attempting to chat up anything in a skirt, and forty seven pupils having to be rescued from the lake after an attempt to capture the giant squid. The teaching staff were hardly likely to be queuing up, where they?



I take a deep breath, I can handle this, it’s not like I’ll have to see Snape at all, just keep a few hundred horny teenagers’ hormones in check. I have enough practise dealing with my own, and if I’m not getting any, I’m going to damned make sure they’re not either.



Of course, it would have been a far better punishment had Albus locked us in a room for a ‘detention’, writing out a thousand times the line; ‘Revenge is a dish best served in bed. With chocolate sauce.’ Just so the message got through. While surrounded by various erotic play things. Now that is what I would call a punishment. Try not to lick lips at thought.



Albus is still amused. ‘Of course, it seems a simple enough punishment, however there is a catch. You shall be working together, as a pair, and shall remain in close contact with one another for the evening. And I expect you to have resolved your differences by the end of the night. Now, you may go, and think about what you have done.’



Patronising old sod. Grr. One of these days I will drug him and shave off his beard and eyebrows. Try remaining dignified then, you silly old goat. It’s his entire fault. If he hadn’t insisted on interfering with my life by making me go to some silly ball with Snape, this would never have happened. But, no, it has, and now he’s making me go to another stupid fucking ball with Snape.



Am scowling furiously. Storm out of office, ‘accidentally’ treading on Severus’s foot as I go. Is small comfort.



For a minute, Severus and I stare at each other. I know his thoughts reflect mine, we are united briefly in our anger against Albus. However we both know it’s our fault for ever bloody starting this in the first place.



Storm off down the hallway with the intention of booking myself on the first flight to Peru. I am not going to this sodding ball.



*



A/N: The end is nigh. As is smut.