100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

The Murderous Muggles

by M. Starlight



Disclaimer: I don\'t own anything you recognize, which all belongs to the lovely Ms. Rowling.



:) Hope you enjoy.



At first, when the blue eyes of one Ronald Weasley slid open, he was not certain whether he was actually awake, for a more unlikely sight could not have been imagined. The world was still hazy as of yet, however, and that added to the unreality of the situation. The very first thing he noticed was that he was lying on the floor, face-down, his face rubbing against carpet that smelled just a shade like cat.



Then, to his mounting horror, Ron found that his wrists were bound tightly behind his back with a strong hemp rope, and that no matter how much he twisted them, it was futile. His legs were tied together as well.



This can\'t be happening, he thought, his breath coming rapidly. Red hair flopped over his forehead, which was sticky with perspiration. I\'m going to close my eyes, count to ten, and when I open them again, I\'m going to be back in my flat in front of the telly.



He closed his eyes, counted to ten, all to no avail. Blast that clacking sound, he thought angrily. It was really getting on his nerves. The sound was rapid, and came at constant intervals. Ron opened his eyes, and realized that there was a person in the room.



She was sitting in an overstuffed armchair, with an odd device at her lap that she was tapping on furiously. That was where the annoying sound was coming from.



Never one to be prudent, Ron bellowed, "What\'s going on here?"



The sitting figure raised her head, and smiled in a rather crooked manner. "I didn\'t know you were awake yet." Her voice was pleasant, even friendly. "The chlorophyll was supposed to have been more potent." The woman\'s brow pleated. "I hate to think I was short-changed or anything."



"Not to be impolite or anything, but who are you, and why am I here?" Ron said, frustrated at the woman and at the situation.



She smiled at him warmly. "I\'m Ruth, and I\'m very pleased to have you here. And you\'re here because I have decided to kill you." At that, Ron paled.



"Well, I\'m not pleased at all!" the young man shouted. "I have a fiancee, you know. She\'d be very upset if she found me hurt, or anything."



"Are you sure about that?"



Her smile changed then, into one that Ron couldn\'t decipher completely. He didn\'t think it boded well for him, at any rate.



"Look, I\'d be willing to pay you lots of Galleons. I have rich friends, you know," Ron pleaded.



"I know," she said quietly. "But I\'m not really killing you for money, you know."



"Then why?" Sweat dripped onto his shirt. "Please, I\'ll do anything."



"I\'m afraid you can\'t do anything for me. Unless it\'s to surrender quietly. It won\'t hurt... much. Oh please don\'t cry," the woman said. "You\'ll get all sorts of nasty things on my carpet."



Curiousity got the better of him, and Ron\'s sobs dwindled down to mere snuffles. "Well, can you at least tell me why I\'m going to be killed?"



"Oh, let\'s just say it\'s for the greater good. Also, none of us like you." The woman opened the door, and Ron\'s eyes widened in horror as the sound of clacking and tapping grew monumentally louder, as woman after woman shuffled into the house, all staring at him with rather malevolent grins on their faces...





*****************************



Three Years Later...



"Hermione?" the dark haired man said, his slender fingers wrapped round the stem of a particularly fine crystal goblet.



She responded with a low, purry "Mmm?" as she poked a cube of gourmet cheese into her mouth, savoring the warm flavor. The young witch looked perfectly divine, stretched out on an ecru and mint loveseat, her wavy chestnut hair loose and curling around her blissful face.



It was their two year anniversary, and the Snapes had been enjoying a bottle of well aged wine, some cheese and crackers after a romantic night out. Though Severus had thought his wife looked stunning that night, wearing a skin-tight dress with matching heels that had glued more eyes to her than a hex would have, he thought he preferred Hermione as she was now, her creamy skin a tad flushed with joy, her dark eyes warm on his. After all, he needed no ornamentation or sexy clothes to see Hermione\'s unequaled loveliness. In fact, Severus rather felt that he could endure a lifetime with no clothes at all on his wife.



"What is it, Severus?" she asked, her lips curving in a way that made him think longingly of the joys that were tucked away beneath layers and layers of hindering clothes. Nudist colonies did have charm, after all.



"Snivellus!" Hermione barked, getting his attention. He glared at her over his hawkish nose. She merely tittered, not a bit nonplussed by his chilling stare. "Well, I had to get your attention somehow, before you forgot what you were going to ask me."



Severus grumbled indignantly that he never forgot anything, and swallowed some wine ill-naturedly.



"No more dickering, Sev. What did you want to ask me?" Hermione grinned appeasingly, melting his resolve immediately, though Severus would rather die than admit it.



"Oh, that. Well, I just wondered why you never told me what happened to Weasel, that\'s all."



The tender, amused look on his wife\'s face disappeared quicker than his erection at the thought of Sybill Trelawney in nothing but heels and a smile.



"Oh come now, Hermione," Severus said, exasperated. "I don\'t know why it\'s all been hushed up so. I thought you could tell me anything."



She sighed heavily, a wrinkle forming between her eyebrows, as it did whenever the witch was forced to do something she greatly disliked. "Do I have to tell you?" Hermione sulked, lips forming a childish pout.



"I\'ve got to say, your lips are not very attractive as a window ledge." His wife scowled at him.



"Well, then I guess someone isn\'t going to be feeling my window ledge on his person anytime soon!" she snarled, getting up from the couch and stomping away into their bedroom.



Severus looked at the unforgiving, warded door for a full minute before he said in his iciest tones, "I\'m going to blast this door through if you don\'t open it in five seconds, Hermione."



He could hear the witch swearing profusely as she unwarded the door, her hazelnut hair standing out in lumps, probably because she pulled on it with frustration. Her face was all pinchy, too. It said alot about how much the Potions Master cared for his wife that he thought she was still the most beautiful witch alive, angry as she was.



Still, when Severus opened his arms, Hermione fell into them without a murmur. Both of them secretly marveled at how perfectly they fit, as always. Muffled against his chest, Hermione wrapped her arms around his waist and mumbled, "I\'m sorry, Severus. It\'s just difficult for me."



His chin resting on top of her bushy head, Severus ran his nimble fingers through the tangled hair, not saying a word.



Quite out of the blue, Hermione said desperately, "Are you quite sure you wouldn\'t rather settle for a nice bout of sex? Anything, really- your pick!"



He kissed her firmly, slowly, sweetly. "No."



"I had to try, anyway," she said, swallowing as her husband tucked a loose curl behind her ear. "Oh god, Severus, it was such a mess. And it\'s not just because Ron was my friend... it was a debacle for the Ministry, as well." She stopped, closed her eyes. "I\'m not sure I can do this."



Severus conjured up a bottle of Dumbledore\'s favorite oak-matured mead, gave her a long glass of it. "Liquid courage?" he said quietly.



She accepted, took a lengthy draught, then cleared her throat.





*****************************





After the last great battle at Hogwarts, everyone had become ecstatic. It was a matter of course. With the Dark Lord gone, the last shadow of fear had been banished, and replaced with euphoria- along with careless exuberance. Most of the Death Eaters had been safely locked away into Azkaban, and danger seemed quite nonexistent.



Most of the wizarding world were engaging in an ongoing stream of celebrations. Muggles were mightily confused at the onslaught of shooting stars, gold coins scattered over streets that somehow disappeared later, and a whole entourage of owls flitting to and fro everywhere.



The people of Hogwarts had been happy to find that Severus Snape had not been killed after all, though it had been a close call for the Potions Master. He had lost a great deal of blood from Nagini\'s bite, but it seemed that the man had been given a second chance at life. Being heralded as a great hero and chased by hordes of reporters didn\'t suit him much however, and Severus had stayed on as a Professor. He was as snarky and mean as ever. The reporters learned to leave him be after several of their kind being hexed with week long, painful boils.



Hermione, at the time, had been trying to get her life back together. It was sometimes mind-boggling to her that she was to return to Hogwarts as a student. She loved studying, of course, but somehow she had aged, become a woman instead of a schoolgirl.



She wasn\'t the only one who noticed, either. Wizards were always eyeing her nowadays, although it was probably mostly due to the fact that she was Harry\'s best friend more than because she was Hermione. But she had become a great deal prettier, though not as curvaceaous as she would have liked.



At any rate, Hermione had started to date Ron, as everyone expected. She had been granted a special degree, and started to work for the Ministry as a trainee Auror. Life went on. And then, it had happened.



Someone must have leaked. The tale of Harry Potter and his triumph over the Dark Lord, the basics of the wizarding world was spread. True, it was told as a fictional story, but it set the Ministry on edge. The Ministry decided to not make the truth known publicly, though they didn\'t actually say anything to negate its validity.





*****************************



The Present



"So, you\'re saying that Ronald Weasley was killed by a group of fanatics?" Severus said disbelievingly, a jet brow quirked in surprise.



Hermione nodded, a bit woodenly. "There wasn\'t very much... left of him when we found his body." Her face crumpled. "The worst part is, I was thinking that I didn\'t want to see him anymore. Before he died, I mean. We were supposed to get married. And to be honest, I had realized I wasn\'t in love with him, by then." The tears came freely now, moistening Severus\' shirt.



He stroked her head, pulling her closer to his body. "Still, I\'m glad he\'s out of the picture now."



Hermione narrowed her wet eyes up at him. "It isn\'t funny, you know."



"No, I suppose it isn\'t. But I am happy to have you, Hermione, despite any of the circumstances that led us here," Severus\' voice was serious, and his onyx eyes fused with hers.



"I love you, too." She nuzzled into him with a little sigh.



"What happened to the Muggles anyway? Who killed him?" Severus was curious.



She gave a small shrug. "They were Obliviated by the Ministry, since they couldn\'t really be punished... it had to be hushed up and everything. It\'s odd though, there\'s been some very odd stories online about us. It\'s almost eerie how accurate some of them are..."



Severus groaned. "Let\'s not talk about that. It\'s our anniversary. I strongly believe that there are certain things that must be done on anniversaries, and talking with our clothes on is not one of them."



Luckily, with just a flick of a wand, all their problems were magicked away. Well, at least for this particular situation, anyway.





Finite.