The Dreaded M-word

Lucius was having a fantastic week so far. He had finally perfected his skill at making an omelet once again, thanks to the coaching of a sane house elf (not at all like that deranged and inbred thing his father dumped on him at death) humiliated Lupin without even trying, and if the rumors were to be believed, though it was sooner then planed, then he was soon to be a grandfather and his son had even managed to get revenge on Arthur Weasley and clean up the Malfoy reputation at the same time. As icing on the proverbial cake, while he had been in prison, Snape had told the dark lord that Edger Allen Poe was a muggle witch caused him to run off and accidentally drink himself to death. As it turns out, reptiles have a very bad reaction to alcohol.

With a spring in his step, he headed to his first class of the day that would include his son as well as the Golden Trio. He was looking forward to giving his boy some easy house points and seeing if he could get the volatile Potter and Weasley to embarrass themselves during the period. Afterwards, it was time to pin down his little dragon and find out about the rumors.

All would not be well in his world for long. His little dragon felt the need to warn the class of the imposter in their midst with enchanted paper cranes on every desk, charmed to self destruct on the top of the hour to keep the fake-father form knowing that he knew. Each stated in clear and graceful custom made iridescent green script ‘This man is not Lucius Malfoy. I clearly saw him cooking last night in the kitchen. We all know that a Malfoy wouldn’t be in a kitchen at all if it wasn’t to demand things from the house elves. He must be stopped from completing whatever evil task he was sent for. Give him hell.’

After Harry read his, it seemed to him that whatever issues he had with the younger Malfoy for complicating his life by calming they had sex (gag retch gag), that he did have a point. There was no way Malfoy should be out of Azkaban after only 6 months and who ever heard of a Malfoy having practical skills that weren’t dark arts. It was time he put aside their differences (after punching the asshole repeatedly for killing his love life) and work to stop whatever disaster Dumbledore welcomed with open arms to Hogwarts this time. If this kept up, Dumbledore’s plans would kill him well before Voldemort could.

Knowing his classmates would never take the blond seriously, especially considering he had apparently lost his marble and started trying to make up with every student in the school he had ever angered, Harry did some fast thinking. Seeing there were 5 minutes till the start of class he took the front of the room. “Ok everyone, I know we all have years of proof as to why we shouldn’t trust the ferret”

“HEY! I said I was sorry!”

“Ok, he did say he was sorry, but that’s not the point. The point is I think he’s right and this Professor Malfoy crap is really part of some evil plot. Dumbledore wouldn’t in his right mind hire a known Death Eater-“

“Who is in Azkaban!” Malfoy added helpfully with a cheerful smile.

“Yes, who’s in Azkaban. Thank you Malfoy now shut it.” Draco deflated viably. “Now clearly Dumbledore is not in his right mind and it’s up to us to stop him from killing us all. If even his own son is against him, we can assume we are all in grave danger, so Dumbledore’s Army is now open to all. Gather every student you can and meet near the tapestry of trolls in tutus at 3 pm today for planning and information exchange. I’ll make arrangements for snacks.”

Though Draco was disappointed that the father of his child was still being cold hearted toward him, he at least had won him as a comrade and may have the chance to win him over with apologies and hard work to aid in a shared cause. Surely their love would blossom in adversity and they would build a caring home for the little bundle of joy.

Across the classroom, Ron had finally decided it was time to work things out with his best mate so they could both focus on bigger issues. Sitting next to Harry he went for the direct approach. “Ok, so I still think its right foul that you didn’t tell Ginny first, but you didn’t need to avoid us just ‘because you were gay. If shagging Malfoy really makes you happy, then I can learn to live with him, but you should know he’s hooking up with ‘Mione on the side. Just, you know, try to be careful and not get hurt. Are we cool?”

“Ron, I love you but you’re an idiot some days. I’m not avoiding you. I’m avoiding Malfoy who knows I hang out with you. I’m not gay and I never cheated on your sis. Even if I was, I wouldn’t hook up with a hateful jack ass. And everyone says it was Lavender that started the rumor that ‘Mione is having his baby. I think she’s making it up ‘because she doesn’t like her.”

“So what you’re saying, mate, is that this whole spat is all because of Malfoy being obsessed with you?”

“Yep. He’s getting his ass kicked for it later. Now talk to your girl and make up. Then talk to mine will you? She won’t listen to me.”

Just then the bell rang, bringing with it hot flames of doom and burnt books and fingers from the little Malfoy’s badly planed self destruct spell and the bigger Malfoy to teach. Everyone was watching for anything amiss with the teacher, and by the end of class everyone was ready to flee what they agreed was the newest harbinger of suffering. Draco wasn’t quite fast enough though, and found himself cornered by fake-father.

“Now, son, it has come to my attention that we need to talk. Rumor has it that I have a grandchild on the way.” ‘Oh god, the fake knows.’ “I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t get married first, but these things happen and we can sort it out. So, have you given her the family engagement ring yet? When will we be introduced properly? How far along is she? Dose she have all the proper potions for her delicate condition?”

Thinking ‘well, if I can tell someone who looks and sounds like father, then it should be easier to tell the real one later’ Draco decided to clear some things up. “Father, I don’t know what you heard, but it’s a he, though Harry has been avoiding me so no on the ring and the meeting for now. And yes I have all the potions I need. This morning sickness is really a beast though. I think I need to write mother since I can’t keep much of anything down.”

Fake-father responded by falling over laughing. “It’s not funny. I hate being sick. And if I don’t start gaining weight soon it could be bad for the child.” There were now tears running down the elder man’s face and he was curled around his aching ribs. “Well if you won’t take this seriously, I’m leaving.” and with that he swept out of the room, leaving the imposter to his foolishness.

Ron, worried that the newly not-enemy would come to harm, and wanting to get some points cleared up had waited outside the class. Seeing the red head, Draco immediately went on the defensive by wrapping his arms around his middle and screaming “NOT IN MY WOMB!” Point number one now clear, Malfoy really dose think he got pregnant.

“Malfoy, I just wanted to talk. No hitting this time, I promise.”

“Really? In that case, I am so sorry I was so mean to you for so many years. Please let’s try making up. I really don’t want to make life hard on Harry by having us fighting all the time and it would be no good for the baby if all his friends hate me.”

“About that, when exactly did you, you know, conceive? I thought Harry was with my sister, and the next thing I know you’re telling me you’re having his kid.”

“Oh, well it’s a bit fuzzy, but the night of that mixed house drinking party we hooked up in a moment of weakness. I hadn’t planned ahead and taken my contraceptive, so now I plan to make the best of it. Harry still seems to be in denial though. I hope you can help me with that.” point number two clear, he really dose think he slept with Harry. Point number three clear, he’s definitely delusional.

“Um, I hate to have to tell you this, but me and Harry missed that party. We had detention till 3 in the morning with Filch that night. Also, guys don’t get pregnant. Didn’t your parents tell you?”

“Wait, if I’m not pregnant, I’ve been getting sick, choking down morning sickness potions and making nice with all these Gryfindors all for nothing?” Draco, finally realizing what a waste of time this had all been as reality crashed down on him, collapsed into pathetic wailing on the ground where he stood. Ron, realizing that anyone who would go though as much trouble as Draco had to make a good future for an unborn child, fictitious or not, couldn’t be as bad as he originally though.

“No, you have made yourself way emotional off the hormone potions, yes, but there is a bright side to this.” Ron put a comforting hand on the sobbing boys shoulder. “You have laid the foundation for friendships in Gryffindor. By working so hard to make nice with us, you have more support against the fake teacher, and now that you know it’s not morning sickness, we can get you to Pomfry and get you better. Anyway, didn’t the sorting hat say we were stronger when united? Since the D.A.D.A. post brings bigger disasters every year, I think you did good. We’ll need all the help we can get this time.”

At lunch, after getting the news that the D.A. was reforming that day, john found himself in the middle of an unlikely discussion with Colin. “Look, man, you must have misunderstood. There is now way this Raven Prince fellow is Snape. First off, who in the hell would sleep with him? Raven says he has life experience. And Snape hates kids. There is no way he would have even read the books, and he definitely wouldn’t read fanfic. It’s just too O.O.C.”

“But I saw him pull out the paper. And he was talking about one of the reviews and said it was a flame. And it’s the only fic with a review anything like the one he mentioned. I don’t know, maybe he went to a brothel or something, but it has to be him.”

“Why would he even do this though? He seems more likely to be the professor that gets the paper banned from the grounds, not the one to write for it. Lupin I may believe since he’s rather liberal, but Mr. Stick-in-the-Ass-By-the-Book, no way.”

“See, that’s where I think you’re wrong. He is a Slytherin, and we all know they make their own rules to suit themselves. He only enforces them with us because we’re fun to pick on. And it makes sense to me. He was really ticked when I asked him about m-preg,”

“God, not that crap again”

“And if he found one of these papers, and he thought that was why the question came up, he may have thought it would be the fastest way to get facts to all the readers.”

“Why would he do that when he could just tell the headmaster about the porn and be done?”

“Maybe to avoid being volunteered to teach us a sex ed class. If the man has gone daft enough to hire Malfoy, he’s daft enough to think Snape is good for teaching us about sex. And since we are the only ones to notice, who would you rather take advice from? Snape or Raven? I, personally find it way less icky when I can detach the identity, thank you very much.”

“Ok, you may have a point. And he did cover nearly every warning in the book with the safety measures. But that doesn’t mean anything if nobody believes he did this stuff. It is still for most readers an anonymous fiction, and jus look at Malfoy, jr. who was so sure he got knocked up that he made nice with……well, everyone.”

“So it’s not a perfect plan, but it was a really good fic. And if Snape can get laid, there must be hope for me, right?”

“No luck yet? Try blackmail. You have the pictures.”

“That’s actually starting to sound like a promising ideal. I still don’t know about it though.”


A/N: Draco was getting annoying to write, so I decided it was time he realize he was being an idiot. Part of me feels I rushed that a bit though. Feedback is always welcome. Sorry for any mistakes I missed.