Caregivers

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Caregivers Chapter 7

Severus sat back into his chair as he told his story.

“I was not much older than you when I first met Voldemort. He was, as you say, the most handsome of creatures and the most charming of men. I was…” Severus shrugged, “who I am--a rather homely, unloved, awkward youth, and I was captivated by him. I was at an age where I wondered about my sexual orientation, but once I met Tom Riddle, any doubts I had were wiped away.”

“Were you in love with him?” Poppy asked.

“No…”Severus stopped to consider his words. “Yes, I guess I was at the time. In hindsight, I can see the manipulations and the control he had over me. I can also see that what I thought was love was infatuation. He had the capacity to make me feel special. You have no idea how I needed that.”

“Yes, Severus, believe me I do,” Poppy nod her head in acknowledgement.

“Yes, I think you do, but my crime wasn’t being in love with Tom Riddle. My crime was being in love with Voldemort. We have something else in common besides being in love with the same man. He was also my first…and only. I will never subjugate myself to abuse and humiliation at the hands of another.”

“Severus, I know how cruel Tom can be in and out of the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t be pleasurable with the right person,” Poppy patted Severus’s hand.

“Poppy!” Severus voice warned her that this subject was forbidden.

“All I’m saying is leave yourself open to the prospect,” Poppy lectured before dropping the subject.

With a huff Severus continued, “Being in love with Voldemort, however, was only one of my crime.” Severus said, ignoring Poppy’s words. "As the days passed and he gathered more and more followers, my time with him lessened. I couldn’t compete with all those ‘beautiful’ people who yearned for an evening with their Master and I was desperate to remain his favorite, no matter what he did to me in the bedroom. It sounds sick now, but he was the only one who ever wanted me and I was willing to suffer anything for his attention, any humiliation. All I had to offer were my brains and my potions ability. I brewed poisons, not just one, but dozens. You kill one, that’s a tragedy. My poisons killed hundreds,” Severus choked on his words.

“Severus, are you sure?” Poppy questioned.

“Am I sure?” Severus yelled. “What else would one do with poisons but kill people?”

Severus was perplexed by her attitude. He was a monster, couldn’t she see that?

“It seems I might know Tom better than you,” she said. “Did you ever see the Dark Lord administer poison to anyone?”

“No, but he told me…” Severus was confused. What else would Voldemort do with the poison but use it on others?

“I’m not saying that he didn’t kill people with your poisons, but it was not his style.”

“Woman, you’re babbling,” Severus growled.

“Severus, calm down and listen to me,” Poppy ordered. “Do you agree that poison is subtle and that most people who use it don’t want to be detected?”

Severus slowly nodded, not quite knowing where Poppy was going with this conversation.

“Has there ever been anything subtle about Tom? Tom wanted to terrorize, to let the world know that it was he who was wreaking havoc on their world. Even if he was not around, there was always the dark mark in the sky. There was never any doubt that is was Voldemort.” Poppy paused as she sipped her tea, leaving Severus to think about what she had said. “Were the poisons you made painless or were they agonizingly slow deaths?”

Severus thought for a moment. It had been years since he brewed for the Dark Lord. “No…Now that I think about it they were quick and relatively painless.”

“Does that sound like Voldemort? Didn’t he always wanted his victims to suffer gruesome deaths?”

“He endlessly told me how proud he was of me and how my poisons caused so many deaths. Why would he tell me…” Severus’s eyes widened as a realization struck.

“He wanted to torture you as well,” Poppy finished Severus’s sentence.

Severus shook his head. “Even after all these years I thought he had, if not love, an affection for me. I see now that I was nothing more than a tool for the Dark Lord, much like I was for the Headmaster.”

“Yes, they were both manipulative bastards. The only difference was that what Albus did, he did for the betterment of the Wizarding World.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier knowing that,” Severus said as he hung his head.

“No, I suppose it doesn’t,” Poppy agreed. “Besides killing Harry’s parents, what other horrendous act did he do to chase you from his fold?”

“Wasn’t that enough?” Severus asked, straightening his back and lifting his chin.

“It would have been if you weren’t in love with him, but there was something else. Something personal he did to you that you can never forgive him for.”

“No!” he said to quickly.

“Severus, even though I knew what he was, I kept going back to Tom until I saw him rip the head off an infant because he could tell that it was going to be a squib. I was six weeks pregnant at the time. I changed my name and disappeared the next day…never to look back.”

“He hadn’t invited me to his bedroom in months, so when the call came I was ecstatic. I preened for hours, wanting to look my best for our Lord,” Severus snarled at the memory. “I went to him expecting a night of degradation from him, but I hadn’t expected to be his entertainment. He kissed and fondled me. After striping me, he placed me over his desk. I was mentally readying myself for a forceful entrance when he lay back on his bed and started to slowly masturbate. One by one the other Death Eaters entered the room…Do I need to go on or can you imagine what they did to me throughout the night?”

“I can imagine. They were your friends, your colleagues,” Poppy stated simply, not allowing herself to show her disdain for Voldemort‘s followers.

“I went to see Albus the next day. I used the Potter’s death as the excuse for why I left the Dark Lord,” ” Severus said emotionlessly but remembering that night hurt him deep into his soul. Poppy could see it took everything Severus had to maintain control of his emotions.

They both jumped when there was a knock on the door.

“Hey it’s been an hour and a half since you guys locked yourselves in my den. Dinner is going to be cold if you don’t come out now,” Harry said through the door.

“We’ll be right out,” Poppy yelled back. She turned to Severus, “Are you okay or should I give Harry your regards.”

“I’m fine.” Severus lied. “ As you said, it happened decades ago. Besides, if I miss dinner I’ll have the boy bothering me all night long trying to get in touch with my feelings. I would rather endure Voldemort than be subjugated to Potter.” Severus smiled but Poppy could see the sorrow in Severus’s eyes.

Poppy shrunk her album and slipped it into her coat pocket before taking the hand that Severus offered. She took his arm and leaned against him, as old friends do, and Severus led her from the room.


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A lot of wine was consumed with dinner, followed by a couple of brandies. Harry was surprised at how everyone was enjoying the evening, but the bond he shared with Severus was nagging at him. No matter how Severus seemed to be enjoying the evening, there was something definitely wrong. Despair was what Harry was reading Severus’s feelings, but every time he looked up there was a peaceful look on his ex-teachers face.

“This has to be one of the best evenings I can remember,” Poppy said as she stood and retrieved her cloak, “but it’s time for me to go.”

“Do you have to?” asked Severus. Harry could hear a plea in his voice. “Tomorrow is Sunday…”

“Today is Sunday. It's nearly one in the morning, Severus, and I’m an old lady who needs her beauty rest.”

Poppy walked up and gave Severus a warm, firm hug. Harry was even more perplexed when Severus whole-heartedly returned the gesture. Harry couldn’t remember if he had ever seen the Slytherin willingly touch anyone. He stopped to think for a moment, but he couldn’t think of a single incident.

After Harry wished Poppy good night with a hug and a kiss, she disappeared through the floo system.

“Long day,” Harry said as he stretched and yawned at the same time. I think I shall head for bed.”

“If you don’t mind,” Severus asked knowing that he had to get Harry permission before he did anything, “I would like to walk about the garden to relax before turning in.”

“I don’t see why not. We both can sleep in as long as we want tomorrow,” Harry gave Severus a pat on the arm before ascending the stairs to his bedroom.

“Harry?” Severus called from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yes Severus?”

“I may hate being your slave and I can’t stand the sight of you, but me being here has been tolerable. Thank you,” Severus reluctantly confessed.

Harry looked at Severus more confused than ever. “I never meant the situation between us to be an ordeal. I wish now that we found a different way of protecting both the Wizarding World and you from yourself. At the time it made sense…now I’m not sure. I’m sorry.” Harry gave Severus a weak smile.

“What is done is done,” Severus stated. “I will be your slave till the day I die. Now run along like a good little Potter and get some sleep. I’ll take that stroll in the garden before retiring.”

“Goodnight, Severus,” Harry said before turning around and headed back to his bedroom.

Severus waited until he heard the door shut to Harry’s room. From the sleeve of his robe, a dinner knife slid smoothly into his hand.

“Goodbye Mr. Potter. I shall no longer be a threat to the Wizarding World.” The idea of suicide was an old one, stemming back to his teens but there was always a reason for Severus to live for. Now, after looking back at his life he could see nothing good had come from staying around. Lily, Voldemort, Dumbledore, and many more are dead because of him How many died because of the poisons he made for the Dark Lord? Poppy had a point but he would never really know. His life was a waste and now that he was Potter’s slave he had no future.

With the knife clutched firmly in his hand Severus lightly strolled into the garden.

Moonlight lit his path. He stopped and took a deep breath, savoring the smell of the night-blooming jasmine. The chirps of the crickets called him deeper into the garden. He ambled along as if he hadn’t a care in the world, finding rest on a bench next to the fish pond.

“My little friends,” Severus spoke to the small fish that were swimming slowly about. “You have no idea how lucky you are that you have no memories to haunt your every thought. ‘Too sleep perchance to dream,’’ Severus whispered as he gazed at the knife that lay across the palm of his hand.

He placed the sharp tip of the knife at a arteries at crux of his elbow. He played for a moment running the tip across his sallow skin leaving red welts in its path. With a sudden movement, he plunged the knife into his arm and pulled it down towards his wrist. His screams woke the birds in the tree, and they fluttered into the night sky. Mid-stab, he felt arms wrap around his chest, angrily pulling the knife from his hands.

“Bastard!”

Severus heard Harry just before the healing charms were muttered. He flailed wildly in the strong arms that held him. Severus screamed in frustration until his throat was raw.

“No…Let me go,” Severus shrieked.

Harry intuitively knew Severus was not talking about physically letting him go. “I won’t let you go. You’re too important…too important to me.”

Objectivity was lost, leaving two emotionally raw men grasping one another. Years of tightly controlled feelings crumbled like dust under the magnitude of what almost happened. There were sobs, shaking and cursing as the two released all the emotions that were bottled deep within them. The insecurities, the guilt, the self-loathing they both felt boiled to the surface, leaving the two men clutching one another as if the other were a life preserver.

Exhaustion overtook the Slytherin and Gryffindor as the sun rose, chasing away the darkness of night. The dull gray-blue hue of dawn broke across the sleeping men. Harry's red face laid across Severus's heaving chest. Severus's eyes were swollen shut, his nose red from crying,, his arms wrapped tightly around Harry.