Darkness Within

a/n: More references to Hermione\'s problems in this chapter



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Severus was furious with himself. He had let his guard down and trusted her and she had done exactly what he had suspected she might try and do. Damn the witch!



He ran his pale fingers through his hair and sighed deeply, leaning his head against the door.



‘Hermione, please,’ he muttered, ‘open the door.’



Hitting the doorframe in frustration, Severus took his wand from his pocket and started to work on her wards. His mind was racing as he imagined what she was doing to herself and he cursed silently. He should never have told her as much as he did. It had tipped her over the edge.



After 30 minutes, he had it and he paused to marvel at how quickly she had put her wards up, given the complex nature of them. He pushed the door open and walked over to the bed in quick strides. He felt Hermione’s neck for a pulse and let out the breath he was holding. He looked around the room in disgust. The place was filthy and it was clear she must have spent most of her time here. The floor was littered with empty bottles, mostly whisky but some wine and a few tin cans. There were bloodstains on the sheets, and beside the bed, a couple of old and bloodstained razor blades sat festering, congealed and stuck to the wooden surface.



Severus sat down heavily on the bed beside Hermione and watched her face as she slept. She looked peaceful and he had to admit, very beautiful, despite her gaunt appearance. He tried to imagine how she would look if she wasn’t battling her demons, and he knew she would be breathtaking without trying to be. A feeling of deep sadness was welling up inside him as he looked at her face and he reached a hand out to stroke her cheek gently.



‘What happened, Hermione? What was it?’ he murmured.



Hermione shuffled a little at his touch and pushed her cheek into his hand softly.



‘Daddy,’ she murmured, and a small smile graced her lips.



Severus pulled his hand away and tears leapt into his eyes unbidden. He let them fall as he gazed at her. He needed to know. If he was going to help her, he needed to see it for himself. Severus left the room, closing and warding the door with his own wards this time to make sure she was still in the room when he returned.



He apparated quickly to Spinners End and gathered the items he would need, specifically his potions and some food, and the small amount of Muggle money he kept for emergencies. He also took a change of clothes for himself and some spare bed linen, shrinking everything and putting it into the pockets of his travelling cloak. The sun had set by the time he returned to Hermione’s flat and as he walked back through the front door, he could hear her screaming his name from the bedroom.



‘Severus!’ she shrieked, ‘Open the door you bastard, I need to use the bathroom!’



Severus warded the front door and then unwarded the bedroom. Hermione burst out of the room like a banshee, her hair surrounding her face. She glared at him a little and walked shakily to the bathroom, not closing the door. Severus could hear her vomiting and turned his attention to the potions he had brought with him. He walked through into her small galley kitchen, used his wand to scourgify the work surfaces and set his phials out in order. When he walked back into the lounge, Hermione was sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands. She was sobbing.



He walked over to her and sat beside her, wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Hermione let out a wail and clutched at the front of his shirt as she cried and murmured into his chest.



‘I’m sorry, Severus, I didn’t want to….I’m sorry, so sorry….’ She cried, her voice pleading with him for forgiveness.



Severus stroked her hair calmly and stared at the wall opposite. Unconsciously, his eyes scanned her bookshelf and he registered the thin layer of dust over her books. It was just another indication as to how low she had sunk and Severus sighed.



Hermione pushed herself away from him a little.



‘I’m sorry. I know I’m frustrating. I’ll be fine if you want to leave.’



Severus looked at her and understood immediately.



‘I don’t want to leave. And the whole situation is frustrating, Hermione, but it’s not you.’ Severus didn’t remove his arm from her shoulders but tightened his grip with his hand and squeezed her until she looked up at him.



‘I can’t understand what has happened to you, don’t you see? The last time I saw you, you were standing beside Potter, wand in hand, looking every inch the warrior witch. Now I see this shadow, this empty shell,’ he took a deep breath ‘and I need to understand, because there is something so wrong with this picture, Hermione.’



Hermione started to cry again and nodded through her tears.



‘I know. I hate being like this but it’s being going on so long, I don’t know how else to be. I don’t even know who I am any more,’ she sobbed softly and tried to rub the tears from her cheeks.



Severus bent forward and wiped them away with his thumb, and Hermione paused and stared at him. As their eyes met, she smiled softly and laughed a little.



‘What’s so funny, witch?’ Severus murmured, as he explored her face with his eyes.



‘Imagine how this would look to anyone who knows us both!’ she giggled a little and put her hand over her mouth. Severus took her hand in his and pulled it away from her face.



‘Don’t hide your smile, Hermione. It’s wonderful to see it,’ he said softly.



‘I’m sorry I stunned you,’ she whispered.



Severus looked at her and realised he was staring at her lips. He sat back quickly and released his grip slowly, his lip curled in a sneer.



‘It was my fault. I knew you would try something. You have an addiction, Hermione. It is in the nature of addicts to deceive those who wish to help them.’ Severus stood up and walked to her bookshelf to avoid her gaze. ‘Answer me something?’



‘I’ll try,’ Hermione said softly. She was wishing he hadn’t moved. His arm around her had made her feel safe.



‘Do you want to get better? Have a better life than this?’ he waved his hand around the flat a little.



Hermione stared up at him, ‘Of course I do. Do you think I enjoy this?’



Severus looked at her and softened as he saw the pain in her eyes. He sat down beside her again and took her hands in his softly.



‘Will you let me help you? Stop putting obstacles up? It will be painful, for both of us I imagine,’ Severus caught her gaze and his breath caught as he saw the trust there.



Hermione squeezed his hands tightly and bit her lip.



‘I don’t want to be like this any more, Severus. What do you want to do? Look inside my head?’ she smiled softly.



Severus gaped at her slightly and couldn’t believe she had second-guessed him.



He nodded slowly.



‘That’s exactly what I want to do…’







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depressing stuff I know, but I feel issues need to be explored sometimes....