Green Is The Colour Of.....

Yeah, okay, I lied. I said this chapter was in the offing and it's taken a few days. But here it is now! As always, thank you to all those who reviewed. I've received some wonderful reviews, and I can't begin to tell you all how much it means to me. Thanks so much to everyone. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. And yeah....more wonderful reviews would be fabulous! :)


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Delusion





Severus walked quickly through the cottage, fleeing toward the refuge of his potions lab, hoping fervently Harry would decide to leave on his own and take the onus off Severus himself. Even as he thought this, his heart rebelled, pleading with him to go to the boy and explain. Caught helpless in the maelstrom of his own emotions, Severus felt his anger rising, though whether it was more at himself for his internal chaos, or at the boy for being the cause of it, he could not at that moment say.



He didn't have the opportunity to mull it over, however, as Harry, having followed him into the house, once again grasped his arm from behind. Once again he was made to look into the emerald eyes, but this time there was more than anger there. There was.....sorrow?



"D-don't say that," the boy stammered, "d-don't you e-ever say that!!" He gulped audibly and continued on. "Y-you, you have everything to live for! How could you rather be dead?! Everything you've ever done for...well, everyone.....just swept away?! Gone, just like..." he paused and gulped again, "....just like my mum is? Or is it that you'd rather be dead and with her rather than alive and...." he trailed off, eyes widening, "...with...me?"



Severus stared at the boy, his heart hammering. With him? Could it be....?



There you go playing the fool again, his mind hissed savagely. He doesn't know what he's saying! But you do, and you know it's not what you wish. You don't get what you wish for. Don't you know that by now?



"No wonder you left without telling me," the boy whispered, "I...I never thought...I must be a constant reminder to you of her....of all you lost....it's just...I thought...I thought we'd got to be friends....and you said you didn't hate me....I just thought..."



Severus closed his eyes and let the pain the boy's words caused wash over him. It was like grief, and he wanted to cry, to howl out his pain and anguish, rend the air and his foolish heart from his chest, and then die. Anything to relieve the constant torment of keeping this secret.



"Oh Harry....Harry...," Severus said, struggling for words, wanting to take away the hurt in those emerald eyes. "I don't hate you. I've never hated you. You...just...you don't understand..."



"You're goddamned right I don't understand!" Harry snapped back, temper flashing, lighting up verdant eyes. "You spent years looking after me, you nearly died trying to save me, you made it so I could be a hero and defeat both our worst enemy, all because you loved my mother, and then you just throw me to the hounds!? Even if I was just a job to you, why do you think your job is done?! If I'm a hero, so are you! The Ministry said so! You don't get to just leave, Severus. You're the one who set me up as a hero. If I have to face the music, so do you! You owe it to me!"



Severus stared at him incredulously. That had to be the most patently ridiculous thing to have come out of his mouth yet. He, Severus, owed him?



He felt his face twist into a familar sneer, and was pathetically grateful to the boy for provoking in him something he could deal with. Anger. A much more tolerable and easily handled emotion in regard to Harry than the chaotic turmoil he'd been experiencing.



"Of all the ludicrous things to have spewed forth from your mouth over the years, Potter, that has got to be the most asinine yet," Severus snarled. "I owe you nothing."



"Yes, you do!" Harry shouted back, frustrated. "You...you owe it to me to live your life now that you finally can, not hide from it! We owe each other that! Don't you understand?! What are we alive for if we don't?! What was it all for then?! What did we sacrifice ourselves for, what did we save each other for if not to live?! Severus....please.....don't shut yourself away here, come back to London with me, please, and have the life you deserve!"



"Don't be ridiculous," Severus bitterly, ignoring the insistent pounding of his foolish heart, "there is nothing in London for me. I told you, I have a life here. I am perfectly happy here. Why can't you get that through your thick skull, Potter? When are you going to grow up and realise that you don't get everything you wish for in life? Did it never occur to you, foolish boy, that I didn't tell you where I was going because I didn't want to be found? Go back to your Auror training and leave me in peace."



As if there could ever be such a thing for you his heart insisted, not without Harry. Again, Severus ignored it.



"I'm not a boy anymore!" Harry snapped, "I'm a man now, Severus."



"Is that so?" Severus sneered, "then you should be able to fend off the "hounds" you claim I threw you to all on your own, Mr. Potter."



"That's Auror Potter, Professor," the boy sneered right back, "contrary to what you would have had me believe, I have made something of myself. In fact, I was top of my training class. All three years."



Severus stared at the boy...no...man now, in shock, taking in the whole person, not just the emerald eyes. Had it really been three years? Had he really spent three entire years deluding himself into thinking he'd gotten over the boy and was happy, when all he'd done was think about those emerald eyes every minute of every day? For three years?!



As if reading his mind, Harry said softly, "You're not happy here, Severus, and nothing you say will make me believe you are."



Suddenly Severus wanted to lash out, to strike him and drive him from the place. If he hadn't come here, hadn't disrupted his quiet illusion, his heart wouldn't ache as it now did. He could have gone on pretending he didn't see emerald eyes everywhere he looked, gone on pretending he had gotten over the desire of his heart's folly, ignoring time and the endless pain his head refused to acknowledge, one day like every other, until the end came again.



Instead, he was being forced to face the pain. It was standing there, right in front of him, robbing him of further speech, threatening to destroy him and his careful delusion.



And so he did what he did best. He pulled his walls around him. He let the ice encase his heart. He pretended not to see emerald eyes. He ignored the pain.



Severus turned and headed toward his bedroom, resolute. If he ignored it, it would eventually go away, he lied to himself.



"I'm not leaving!" a frustrated and angry Harry shouted after him.



He ignored that too.


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