I'll Be Home For Christmas

As always, thanks to my reviewers! I'm sorry you thought I was mean. You're probably going to think I'm TRULY mean after this one! Review and tell me so!


Didn't Ask For This

Severus couldn't seem to bring himself to look Harry in the eye, so he stared at the tabletop, considering his next words carefully, flexing his fingers around Harry's. Finally, he came to the conclusion that there was no easy way to express his feelings in the matter other than to simply tell the truth.


He sighed deeply, squeezing Harry's hand as he did, and raised his eyes to Harry's waiting green gaze.


"Harry, I..." he began, despite the churning inside.


He was immediately interrupted by a whooshing sound from the living room followed by Ron Weasley's loud voice calling, "Oi, Harry? You here?"


Harry made an annoyed face and pulled his hand from Severus's, getting up and going into the living room. After another heavy sigh, although he wasn't sure if it was from relief or irritation, Severus followed him.


"You've got really bad timing, Ron," Harry told the floating head of his best friend, who looked at him nonplussed for a moment.


"..Oh....," he began to stutter, catching sight of Severus looming behind Harry, "..er..erm.. sorry...just.."


Severus could never help taking an evil sort of pleasure in watching Weasley squirm at the prospect of his and Harry's private life, although even he had to admit Harry's best friend had taken their relationship better than Severus had thought he would.


"We were simply having breakfast and ...talking. What is it that couldn't wait until we all 'gather at the hearth' later?" Severus drawled acidly, as if he were speaking to a timid first year.


"Pay no mind to the grumpy git," Harry told Ron as he scowled at Severus, "what's up?"


"Sorry to interrupt," Ron said, "but I wanted to tell you, Ginny's coming home too, and says..."


"Ginny's coming?" Harry said, brightening, making it Severus's turn to scowl. "That's great!"


"Yeah, and she says for you to bring your fastest broom, cause she wants a mini match with us all in the Quidditch paddock before dinner," Ron said, "she just owled me."


"Oh...yeah...," Harry said, his smile faltering a bit, "...yeah...yeah, alright. I will."


"Something wrong, Mate?" Ron asked, "thought you'd love the chance to play again."


"No, no, I'm fine," Harry said smiling again although he could feel Severus's eyes boring into his back.


"Good," Ron said with amusement, "cause I think she means you too," he nodded towards Severus.


"I hardly think so," Severus said dismissively, and Ron laughed.


"Well, then you can tell her so," he said, "see you later," and was gone.


Harry stood up and caught the look Severus was attempting to hide, and sent his own scowl at the man.


"I'm not going to really ride a broom," he said defensively.


Something occurred to Severus then, and clearing his throat, he asked, "How...pregnant...are you?"


"Erm...well...about three months," Harry said, waiting for the explosion, "not quite three months."


Stunned all over again, Severus felt the blood drain from his face, his body go cold, and his throat dry up. His hands began to tremble slightly.


"Sev?" Harry frowned, "are you alright? You look kinda....sick......you going to start vomiting again?"


Severus, knowing he was going to pass out soon if he didn't, forced himself to take a breath, and wheezed out in a high voice nothing like his own, "No." Meanwhile his mind was screaming, Three months? Three months?! That meant only ...Dear God!!....six months and he'd be a father?!?


"You're sure?" Harry asked doubtfully, frown still in place.


"Y-yes," Severus managed. With supreme effort he conjured up what he hoped was a smile and said, "You..you're right, Harry. You really shouldn't be on a broom...in your condition."


"I'll make an excuse," Harry said absently, still staring at his lover. The man looked as if he were going to have a heart attack any second. "Are you sure you're alright, Sev, 'cause you don't look very good, and ..."


"Yes, I'm alright!," Severus suddenly snapped, the tension and his own roil of emotions getting to him, "you've just told me you're nearly three months pregnant for Merlin's sake, what do you expect?!"


"Okay," Harry mumbled quietly, clearly taken aback, his emerald eyes wide.


Severus instantly felt sorry for snapping and wished to take the boy in his arms to comfort, but couldn't quite make himself reach for him, couldn't quite make the words come. He stood there wishing he could, his heart aching, wishing he could tell Harry how he truly felt, but he simply could not bring himself to say the words. He shook his head, his eyes pleading with the boy to understand and forgive him, and then turned and fled.


**********


A few hours later, hours that Severus had mostly spent in their bedroom staring at the wall, he was in the bathroom splashing cold water on his face when he became aware of Harry's presence.


"Sev?," the boy said softly, with a hesitancy that tore at his heart.


Severus straightened and looked at Harry's reflection behind his own in the mirror over the sink. "I'm sorry, Harry," he said before his love could say anything else, 'I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. You didn't deserve that."


He felt Harry slide his arms around him from behind, resting his head against his back and tightening his arms about him. Tears pricked his eyes and he thought about how much he loved this young man, how much better his life had become because of him. How he never wanted to hurt him. He turned around in Harry's arms and held him tightly, closing his eyes to stem the tears and buried his face in his hair, kissing his head. "I'm so sorry, Harry," he whispered, apologising for more than Harry knew about.


"It's alright, Sev," Harry whispered back, turning his head and saying it to Severus's neck. He nuzzled in against the man, sliding his arms up and around his neck, and pressed himself into the other man's embrace.


They stayed that wayfor several minutes until Harry broke the silence saying, "I know you're not keen on it, but we have to go soon. We promised."


"You promised, " Severus reminded him, but knowing that Harry not only loved the Burrow but also needed cheering up, he added, "but I do not mind going."


"Liar," Harry snickered, kissing his neck before pulling away.


Severus caught his hand as he did, thinking he should prepare himself beforehand, and asked, "Do they know?"


"No," Harry said too quickly, a guilty look on his face. "Erm.....well...Molly does."


At his lover's raised brow he hastily added, "I'm sorry, I should have told you first, before anybody, but...I didn't know how at first......and, well...." he rolled his eyes here and sighed, "...at the risk of sounding ...girly....I had to tell somebody...and she's the closest thing to a mother I've ever had, so..."


Severus resisted closing his eyes at the stab of pain that brought to his heart as well as his stomach, and said, "Is that where you were then? At the Burrow? Kingsley wouldn't let you join the mission, so you went to the Burrow? Why didn't you come home?"


Harry looked at Severus for a few moments, sighed and said, "Look, Sev, I don't want you to get angry. I don't want to row again..."


"I'm not angry and we haven't had a row," Severus immediately countered, "I apologise again for snapping at you earlier..."


Nodding, Harry said, "Yeah, yeah, okay, but....I should have come straight home and told you first, okay, but...I just was so ...shocked about it myself, and I was so happy and I had to tell someone, and I, like I said...she's the closest thing I've ever had to a mother, and I just wanted...someone who...who would be as happy as I was and who...would make a fuss over me.." He faltered and bit his lip, mumbling, "I'm sorry."


Severus looked at the obviously uncomfortable boy and suddenly felt dreadfully sad. "You didn't think I would be happy," he said rather than asked. What had happened to them? What had happened to him ?


"Truthfully, Severus," Harry said, looking into his eyes, "I didn't know. I knew you weren't going to exactly jump for joy and be all sappy and silly about it. I knew you'd be surprised. Shocked even. But other than that, I didn't know what to expect. And other than just blurting it out to you, I didn't know how to tell you, so I ...told you how I told you. And you're obviously not happy about it, so..." he sighed, "really, I guess I'm actually not sorry I didn't tell you first." He pulled his hand back then and turned to go.


"Harry," Severus said, reaching for his hand again.


"We have to go," Harry said over his shoulder and left Severus there as if he didn't care whether he followed or not.


**********


Of course he had followed, and was now sitting ensconsed before the fire in the Weasley family living room appearing to listen to Arthur drone on about the latest addition to his collection of Muggle artifacts. What he was really doing was watching his mind replay ad nauseum a very happy Harry hugging an equally happy Ginny Weasley, while simultaneously trying to banish it to oblivion. Even though he was fully aware it was both unreasonable and childish of him to feel so, nobody made him feel as possessive or as jealous as the youngest and only daughter of the Weasley brood. It was stupid, he told himself for the millionth time.


They were friends. Only friends. Now.


Once upon a time they had been more. He knew, and Harry had never denied it, Ginny Weasley had been Harry's first love. He'd even slept with her, they'd lost their virginity together, something else Harry had never denied. In fact, he'd told Severus all about it, in excruciating detail ,one drunken night after it was all over. When Severus's own feelings toward the boy had changed enough to make it painful for him to hear, never dreaming Harry was telling him because his own feelings toward Severus had changed too. Still, even though Severus knew Harry loved him, at least until this morning, knew he preferred men sexually, he also knew that Harry loved Ginny. That they'd turned the passion of their teenaged years into a deep and abiding friendship. That her brother Ron was Harry's best friend, but that Ginny was Harry's best friend. She understood him in ways that even Severus himself sometimes didn't, and that was what really fueled his jealousy. Harry thought it was because he'd once been in love with her, but Severus knew it was because Ginny had Harry in a way that Severus never would. Because she was who Harry went to when the problem was Severus himself.


Severus was driven out of his thoughts by the noisy entry into the living room of Victoire Weasley, who promptly flung herself into Arthur's lap and pouted, "Grandmum says I'm to get out of her feet, Grandad!"


"Did she now? Well, Grandmum is busy making us all a delicious dinner, isn't she?" Arthur chuckled, tucking her into the crook of his arm, "how about you sit here with me, and I'll tell you a story? Would you like that, Vickie?"


Severus silently thanked Victoire for the distraction, and took his opportunity to escape. He wandered into the kitchen, and found Molly amongst her pots and pans, surrounded by delicious smells. Severus was with Harry on that score. Molly Weasley was an excellent cook.


"Ah, Severus," she smiled, "why aren't you up at the Quidditch paddock with everyone else?"


"I never was much of a player," Severus said, "erm...mind if I join you?"


"Of course not," she laughed, "have a seat. Would you like a cup of tea?"


"That would be most welcome. Thank you," Severus said, sitting at the table.


Pointing her wand, she spelled the kettle hot, accioed a cup, saucer and all the necessities, then levitated it to the table in front of him before turning back to her cooking.


"Congratualtions are in order, aren't they?" she said casually, continuing her work.


"Yes....I suppose they are," Severus said evenly. He should have known better! he thought.


"Harry really should have told you first, Severus," she said, "but I was quite touched that he told me. He's very happy about it."


"Yes, he is," Severus said faintly, and took a gulp of his tea.


After a few moments, back still to him, Molly said, "It's different when they're your own, you know."


"Is it," Severus said shortly. He didn't really want to discuss it right now.


"Of course it is," she said, "you can't judge your own children by everybody else's. Just because other people's children are annoying or misbehaving brats doesn't mean ALL children are. Children are products of their upbringing after all. What they are or aren't, how they behave, it's all down to the parents, isn't it?"


"If some of my students are anything to go by, that isn't saying much for parents, is it?" Severus said waspishly. He really did not want to discuss it.


"Of course," she added drily, "you always have a couple of incorrigibles, no matter how hard the parents try. The point is, it's down to the parents to teach their children right from wrong, to teach them about responsibilities. To love them and care for them and look after them. It's a big job and not always easy. Merlin knows," she said "but it is worth it."


"I'll take your word for it," he said acidly. He had to get out of there.


"Well, you'll be finding out soon enough for yourself, won't you?" Molly chuckled.


That did it. Severus stood up and said in a strangled voice, "I'll just go find Harry, Molly. Thank you for the tea."


"Severus," she said, turning around.


But he was already gone.


**********


He walked outside and through the garden trying to clear his head before he went in search of Harry. After a few deep breaths to calm himself, he started through the trees towards the orchard that was referred to as the Quidditch paddock, which was situated a short piece from the house. A little further on, he thought he heard voices, and stopped to listen, noting the faraway shouts from the orchard. Hearing nothing, he was about to start off again, when he heard Harry's voice somewhere off to his left.


"...fine. Just a little tired is all," Harry said, apparently not alone.


"Sure?," came Ginny Weasley's voice, "you look a little pale, Harry."


Severus clenched his teeth together at hearing her voice, annoyed at the thought that Harry was alone with her hiding in the trees.


"Yeah...I...well, I'm a little dizzy, but it'll pass," Harry said slowly, "erm....well, it's normal....for my condition."


"Your condition?" Ginny said worriedly, "What condition? Are you ill?"


Severus could hear Harry's deep breath before he said, "No, not ill, don't worry, Gin, it's just...well.....I'm pregnant."


There were several seconds of silence and then the girl giggled delightedly and said, "What?! Really?! You're pregnant?! Wow!"


"Yeah," came Harry's barely heard voice.


"You're not happy?" Ginny asked, her voice worried.


Severus could picture her stroking Harry's arm or holding his hand, their fingers entwined.


"Gin..." Harry gasped, "I...I don't think Sev....I don't think he wants the baby!"


There was a rustling noise, and Severus knew that she was holding him. That Harry was crying on her shoulder.


"Oh, Harry...Harry...I'm sure...I'm sure he does," the girl said soothingly, "why wouldn't he? I'm sure he just needs to get used to it. I mean...he must have been surprised, wasn't he?"


"Yeah...I knew he would be.....but it's more than that, Gin," Harry said mournfully, "I asked. Asked him if he wasn't even a tiny bit happy, but he didn't say anything.....so I asked him this morning if he...if he.....did he not want our baby.......and he never answered me!"


"Harry....Harry....just give him some time..."


"I can see it in his eyes, Gin......when I told him, he was so upset he started vomiting....and when I asked him about not wanting the baby.....the look in his eyes...I could see there was something......bad.....he didn't want to tell me...avoided it..." Harry sniffed.


There were several minutes of silence as Harry quietly wept. Severus was just about to let his presence be known when Harry's next words stopped him dead in his tracks.


"Maybe....maybe....if it's this bad.....if he doesn't want it........maybe I shouldn't have it."