Every Second of My Life

A/N: I hereby solemnly apologize for the size of this chapter. It is sinfully tiny. But I promise that there'll be another up by Sunday night, at the very latest. Thank you all for the fantastic reviews!

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I didn’t know what to do.

I paced the small floor space of my room, trying not to pull my hair out by the roots.

Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody FUCK, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Collapsing onto my rickety bed, I tried to talk myself down, “Okay…alright…alright, Remus…so you kissed Nymphadora Tonks…”

You kissed her, you fool!

“And…then you told her to…” I paused, and jumped up to smack my hand against the wall, “bugger off! Again!”

The stinging of my hand did nothing to alleviate my inner turmoil.

“Right…” I said, trying to breathe calmly, “Just…just go up to the castle…and…and…”

And tell her what, exactly?

The circles of pain and pleasure raced around in my head. Happiness or safety. I knew how indescribably lucky I was to have such a beautiful, intelligent, talented witch…and I knew that she must be protected. And then…

“Merlin’s bollocks…she’ll tell Molly…” I said aloud, remembering all their little chats, “Molly’ll tell bloody everyone…Molly’ll kill me! Mad-Eye will kill me! Half the Order will have to bloody well get in line to kill me!”

There really wasn’t anything I could do to prevent my impending murder, (or rather, impending glares, snide comments, and awkward conversations) so I paced the floor again and tried, again, not to pull out my hair.

It seemed like just yesterday I'd been wanking to her in my shower at Grimmauld Place, safe in my ignorance that it would never be, just like Lily.

I sat down to write her a letter. I crumpled it up. I did that several more times, then got up again and paced.

Then I went downstairs and found the first amber-colored bottle I could get my hands on.

As I got drunk there, in the dark, empty bar, I missed Sirius, really for the first time. Of course I’d thought about him endlessly since he’d died, almost as much as I thought about Tonks, but this was the first time in my life I was endeavoring to get completely wasted without him to keep me company.

I thought morosely of the night of my mother’s funeral, when it was a miracle that Sirius and I hadn’t gotten liver poisoning. He’d always been there for me to drown my problems for one night, and I was always there to keep him from doing anything permanent, painful, or something he’d regret in the morning. Often all three at once.

I looked down at the now somewhat less full bottle of whatever brown liquid it was, and decided that whatever the next day would bring, I didn’t want a hangover to come with it. Replacing the bottle on the shelf and hoping Aberforth wouldn't notice, I made my way up to my bed, thinking, for the moment, not of Tonks, but of Lily.

What if she had gone out with me? What if she had gone for the bookworm and not the Chaser? Would I have driven her away, as I was now doing to another woman?

I did not know the answer.

~~~~~

The day dawned on a very sleepless Remus Lupin. I reassured myself that this was the last watch I’d have before the full moon, and perhaps by the time I emerged from the Shack, the initial fury of Tonks’ protective friends might have died down somewhat.

Just one more night… I thought as I wiped down the bar, battling the familiar lethargy that is inevitable with my approaching transformation.

At nine that evening, I said my goodnights to Aberforth and made my way up the path to the castle, rather slower than I generally did.

My paranoia and unease turned out to be completely founded.

As I approached the back entrance by the greenhouses, I found my way blocked by Charlie Weasley, who, although somewhat shorter than I, is rather broader.

“Charlie!” I said, pretending to sound delighted, “Good evening!” I remembered with a very sickening lurch that Charlie and Tonks had been classmates and good friends in school.

“Evening, Remus,” He said politely, smiling nonchalantly. He didn’t move.

“I…erm…Do you have the grounds tonight?”

“That I do,” he said, “You’ve got the bottom half of the castle.”

He still didn’t move.

We stared at each other for a moment, awkwardness on one side and a very disturbing smile on the other.

Finally, he spoke, “Well, we’d better get to it, then,” and he stepped out of the way.

As I passed him, smiling nervously, he leaned in to whisper, “If you do that to her again, I’ll turn you into a newt.”

I didn’t doubt it, either.