Jason Isaacs Times Five - a Parody - COMPLETE

Five is Just the Start

She called them all into the dining room. “Well gentlemen, it seems I’m pregnant.” She heard a loud simultaneous, “What?”

Tavington said, “How did that happen, milady?” All the others looked witheringly at him. Tav ignored the looks and said, “I thought I had supplied you with the prescriptions you wanted in a timely manner.”

“Well, Tav, as the doctor said, nothing is foolproof. She also termed it water under the bridge, and I have to agree,” milady replied.

David said slowly, “I suppose when the baby comes, we can have DNA testing to see who the father is.”

The others looked interested.

She bit her lip to keep from laughing and just looked at him quizzically.

“Ah, no, I guess not,” David said. “We all have the same DNA, don’t we?”

Four faces fell.

“I’m afraid so,” she replied. “Is it so important?”

Lucius looked at the others, “Not really, no. Of course, I’ll be able to tell if it’s mine. Malfoys always have silver blonde hair.” The others looked at him with dislike.

“Conversely,” she said, “You will know absolutely if it is not yours. There would be no chance for you to be the father, unlike everyone else.”

Lucius looked taken aback as that truth hit him. Being singled out as a nonstarter didn’t sound so attractive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few months were alternately joyful, trying, and confusing as four males who hadn’t thought much about being fathers tried to adjust to the idea. Lucius was an experienced father, so the shock was less for him, but a new baby was an adjustment for him, too. Lucius had been very much younger the first time he’d had a child.

A baby would change their lives, but she had hopes for each of the group. Tav would have to loosen up. David would know innocence again. Hook would have to let go of his anger toward children. And she hoped Lucius would connect with this child more than he had with his son, Draco. Felton would probably do just fine, having a simple affinity for life himself.

Then the day came when she again called everyone to the dining room. “I’ve just come from the doctor’s. She wanted to run an ultrasound. I’ve more news.” She looked apprehensively around the table. “Doc says there is more than one baby.”

“Twins?” asked Felton.

“Maybe more,” she said reluctantly.

“How many more?” asked Tav, forever practical.

“Doc thinks quints.” At the blank stares, she said, “Five, okay? Five. One for each of you,” she joked weakly.

Five arrested expressions stared back at her. Then the room cleared instantly.

“My, that went well,” she said sadly to the empty room.

Ten minutes later, they all rushed back into the dining room, dressed in their less flamboyant, mall-hopping clothes.

“We want to get to the stores before the mall closes,” said an excited Felton.

“You can set dinner back an hour, can’t you?” asked the ever organized Tav.

“Why are you crying, my dear?” asked Hook sympathetically.

“Probably hormones,” answered Lucius. Hook looked a question at him. “You don’t want to know,” said Lucius.

“I can stay with you if you aren’t feeling well,” said David.

An argument soon erupted among the rest of the group about what their children should learn.

“Swordfighting,” said Felton.

“Fishing,” declared Hook.

“Musketry,” claimed Tavington.

David looked at them and said, “Accounting. At least it’s useful.”

Lucius scoffed at them all and said, “Quidditch!”

“Huh? What the hell is a quidditch?” Hook glared.

“Never mind,” Lucius replied, but he looked secretive.

She perked up at their enthusiasms, but soon relapsed into melancholia. “I hope you won’t be disappointed if they’re girls.”

The men huddled together with whispers. Then Hook spoke for them, “Swordfighting, fishing, musketry, accounting, and …whatever the hell Lucius said.”

“Definitely Quidditch,” Lucius pronounced.

They all rushed off to the mall leaving the mother-to-be in the dining room alone. “I hope the babies are athletic,” she said to herself. “What’s a quidditch?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It soon dawned on the men that their usual activities with her were going to be severely reduced. At dinner David asked the question first, “How does this affect you? Your health?”

“A lot of bed rest,” she said.

Everyone brightened.

“Alone,” she added. “Let’s just say the can of straws is going into the drawer for the next four months.” And for two months after the birth, she thought, No use completely demoralizing them at this point.

“But you’ll be okay?” Hook worried. Hook, Felton and Tavington knew many women died in childbirth.

“The doctor says there should be no problems. And with all of you surrounding me, I’ll be absolutely perfect,” she reassured them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not surprisingly, she turned out to be the grouchiest one, being mostly confined to bed. All those beautiful helpers and she was stuck in a granny gown, courtesy of Tav, damn his soul. But he gave her excellent back rubs so she decided to let him live.

Hook found a way to relieve her swollen feet with massages by holding each foot in his lap while rubbing it with his left hand. Her moving foot turned out to be very pleasurable for both of them, and she was soon awash in foot rubs from all of her helpers.

Felton kept her room bright with plants and flowers, while David read to her. Lucius was allowed to use his wand to elevate her each day to weightlessness, which helped her cope with her increasing girth. They all volunteered to help her rub cocoa butter on her swelling tummy for stretch marks, even though that was probably an exercise in futility. Nobody seemed to mind. Occasionally the cocoa butter wound up a bit higher on her frame than her tummy, but nobody minded that either.

The day, or rather the night, finally arrived when she started her labor. She was delivered to the hospital at her first twinge, complaining all the way. Everything went as smoothly as possible given the unusual circumstances. But all the babies were whisked away to the neonatal nursery for observation, much to the disappointment of the fathers who had not been allowed in the operating room. All they found out was that the new mother was doing fine and they had five new baby girls.

The next day they were allowed to visit her and would get their first glimpses of the quints. They all tried to get through the door to her room at once, then realigned and trooped in with more dignity. They immediately ranged about her bed.

“How are you feeling, my love?” asked Tavington, his tender side peeking out.

She didn’t get to answer before she heard, “When can we take you home?” this from Hook, who still didn’t like hospitals.

“We brought you flowers,” smiled Felton. “You look beautiful,” he added.

She thought maybe Felton was going to need glasses, but she gamely replied to each, “I’m fine--I go home in a week--thank you for the lovely flowers--and Felton, now I know love is blind.” David and Lucius just moved to hold her hands.

Suddenly the door opened and five nurses came in pushing five bassinets. The men were silent as all the pink-blanketed babies were lined up against the wall beside her bed. The last nurse out the door stopped at Hook’s side and looked up at him. She said over her shoulder to the new mother, “Unfair, having all these gorgeous men to yourself, dearie. Why don’t you leave this one at the nurses’ station?” She laughed and left the room. Hook was looking intently at one of the babies and never heard the nurse’s remark.

She could easily tell each baby’s father. She’d had the infants with her last night and it was obvious to her. But she wondered if the fathers could tell their own children.

Lucius, of course, had no trouble. He picked up his new daughter and said proudly, “Malfoy genes always breed true.” Her silver blonde wisps of hair had given her away. He was already welcoming her to the Malfoy dynasty with a hug and kiss. “Draco is going to love her!” he exclaimed.

All the other fathers had moved decisively to a particular bassinet, no disputes, and no hesitations. Each father knew his own daughter, just as she had. Felton picked up his daughter right away, having been more used to infants in his past. He immediately announced, “Oops, need more swaddling here.” But he held her closely, clucking and smiling at her.

Hook took a bit more trouble to lift his daughter with only one good hand but he soon balanced her on his new prosthetic arm and began unwrapping her to be sure she had both of her hands. He sighed with pleasure and rocked her slowly.

David and Tav took longer, watching their daughters a bit fearfully at first, but both babies started waving their tiny arms in the air. That stirred both fathers to lift and gently cuddle their own infants against their hearts. All the men looked dazed but thrilled with their offspring. Deep sighs of contentment came from all five infatuated fathers.

All of their girls were tiny right now but she knew that would soon change. More interestingly, none of their babies had the uncertain eye color of newborns. Each and every one of them had the beautiful pale blue eyes of her father.

The End