The Usual Suspects

Wednesday I woke exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on my side and pretend I didn't exist. I kept thinking about my mother, and Cho, and Draco, and my father; everything I had so little control over. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't even want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it.

I thought about my wand, sitting on the table by my bed. It would be so easy to just make it go away. I pulled my knees into my chest so that my hands would be busy. I wasn't a coward, and I didn't want to d...I couldn't think about it.

I threw myself out of bed and dressed quickly. I had class to go to. I was the first outside the classroom. I had forgotten my book, but chances were I wouldn't need it anyway. Professor Snape was giving all his attention to Harry, so I was sure I could slip by.

Draco showed up after a small crowd had gathered outside the door. He stood with his usual group, but watched me over the shoulder of a skinny Slytherin as they talked. I felt exposed, but my skin crawled with excitement. We were the only ones who knew. It was our secret.

I don't remember how class went. It must have been boring. After class I caught up to Draco outside the door again. We didn't speak, but walked down the hallway together. As we got to the corridor he'd left me at before, we turned toward each other.

"You're amazing, Mary," Draco said, and I blushed, looking down at the ground. His fingers lifted my chin and I looked into his eyes. "No, I mean it." If anything, I blushed more. "And it's more than what's between us." He grinned mischievously. "Which is also amazing." His smile was infectious, and I returned it.

Draco's face became serious; contemplative. "You're a contradiction," he murmured. I gazed into his eyes, twin pools of sparkling gray. He leaned forward and kissed me. There in the corridor, where anyone could have seen. I felt slightly dizzy, and I felt the desire to touch him, to take him right then and there. He pulled away and the world came back. Draco looked at me a moment, then turned and walked away.

I went to the Great Hall for lunch, as I had forgotten breakfast. I didn't have much of an appetite, but I made myself eat a sandwich and an apple anyway. I was never going to start feeling better if I didn't take care of myself.

After lunch I went out to sit by the lake. I didn't want to go back to the dormitory. I'd fallen asleep last time and missed class completely. I watched the water for at least an hour. Once in a while I'd see a lazy tentacle rise from the water, only to disappear into the black. It was a lot like life, I thought. Every time you think you can see something, it's taken away from you.

I realized I was late for Transfiguration. I was mortified. I didn't want to walk in late after the classes I'd already missed. Maybe I could just talk to Professor McGonagall later and work something out. I felt nauseous. I wanted to hide, to sleep it off, but I knew I couldn't.

I stayed by the lake until dusk. I was starting to get hungry, but not enough to warrant venturing into the Great Hall after food. I didn't want to run into Cho. Instead, I headed straight for the corridor.

I waited for half an hour, pacing back and forth, but Draco didn't come. I panicked. What if he'd forgotten me? What if he'd gotten bored of me? What if I was crazy and I'd just imagined this whole thing? What if I just woke up and it was the first day of term and I could do it over again?

Tears burned their paths down my face, and I wiped them away angrily. Why did this have to happen to me? I was nobody, and I didn't want anything. I just wanted my nice, quiet life back.

I turned to pace the way I'd come and saw Draco. He was close by, watching me intently. I sniffled, wiping my face dry as quickly as I could, and stood straighter. There was no reason he had to be miserable with me.

Draco approached silently. He looked intent on something, though I couldn't tell what. He stopped just in front of me. I looked up at him, trying to focus on my anger rather than my hurt and fear. Then, at least, the tears in my eyes would dry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I was stunned out of my anger. "What?"

Draco moved closer still, and I could feel the heat of his body. "Do you want to talk?"

I chewed my lip. "I don't know."

"Come on." Draco led me into the Room of Requirement, which was just as we had left it. I wondered briefly how many other students had used this room the way we had.

Draco pushed me gently to sit on the bed, then sat beside me. "Is it your mother?" he asked.

"No," I said automatically. I wondered briefly if it really wasn't. "I've just got a lot going on. I missed so much class and I just feel so tired and..." I stopped, my body heavy with thought.

"And?" I looked up at Draco, whose eyes shone with concern.

"Empty." I looked away, closing my eyes to will away the tears. "I feel so empty. I don't know if..." I started to choke on the words.

"If you can feel anything," Draco finished. I looked back at him again. He was staring off into the room. His right hand rested on his left arm, an odd gesture.

Draco looked at me, moving his arm around my shoulders. "But we can feel," he said. "We can feel anything." His eyes gleamed.

I nodded dully. I could feel, when I was with Draco. I could finally feel all the pain I tried to hide from myself, and I could feel so much pleasure that my body exploded with it. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to feel something.

I turned and pressed my lips to Draco's, wrapping my arms around him. It wasn't enough, though. My body felt alive, but I still felt numb. Our hands moved across each other, pulling away our robes and tugging open our clothes. Draco's body glowed in the dim candlelight, but I couldn't watch. I just wanted to feel.

I closed my eyes as Draco pressed me back into the mattress. Suddenly I felt Draco's hand catch my wrist, and I opened my eyes again to see him wrapping a length of ribbon around it, securing it to the bedpost. I watched as he did the same with my other wrist, and tugged lightly when he was finished. The ribbons cut into my skin when I pulled, and I looked up to see the skin turn pink, then red as I pulled harder.

I felt Draco's lips against my abdomen and closed my eyes once more as my skin tingled with pleasure. His kisses moved lower, and I had a fleeting moment of shock before his tongue lapped at the wicked pulse between my legs.

An electric thrill shot to my breasts and I automatically pulled at my wrists, causing pain to ripple in the wake of pleasure. Draco's mouth moved, and I couldn't tell what he was doing, only that it felt wrong, but it felt so good. I moved toward climax so quickly that I began to cry again, pulling at my wrists as I tried to move, to pull myself away from pleasure so acute that it was almost pain itself.
Draco moaned against me and I broke, the vibrations tearing my body apart. I felt so much that I didn't think I could bear it. Draco's tongue moved slower as my body calmed, and he pulled away. The air was cold on the dampness of my thighs.

I opened my eyes and Draco was leaning over me, eyes piercing. His hands swept over the curves of my breasts, his eyes watching their paths. I shivered, and the throb between my legs picked up again. Draco thrust in, the hardness sending a shock through my relaxed body. He pumped, fast and hard, almost hurting me, though I wanted it. I wanted everything.

Pleasure pooled inside me as Draco pulsed, moving faster and harder until I wondered if I would drown or break with the force of it.
I gritted my teeth, then screamed as his final thrust sent a shock of pain and wave after wave of pleasure echoing through me. I heard Draco's moan as he pulled out, and I shuddered as he spilled onto my thigh. I looked at him, and he had wrapped his hand around himself. The motion was slow, completely at odds with what had just happened, and I was mesmerized. His eyes were closed, body slightly tense as he relieved whatever he hadn't been able to spend on me. His jaw tensed, and his shoulders shook as he finished.

Draco's eyes opened and he looked at me, his eyes misty, body relaxed. I chewed my lip, but didn't look away. It seemed he was more beautiful than ever now. I'd exposed my fears to him and he'd taken them. He'd exposed his needs to me and I wanted them.
He leaned over me and pulled the ribbons free, then grabbed his wand to clean up. I sat, somewhat in shock at the massive amounts of physical emotion I was feeling.

I heard Draco dressing and reached for my own clothes. I pulled them on slowly, then turned to see Draco watching me. I blushed. "I...didn't mind," I said stupidly. "I liked it." Draco watched silently. "You're so beautiful," I said, then bit my lip and looked away, embarrassed.

Draco approached and lifted my chin. A smile curved his lips. "Are we exclusive, then?"

I smiled brightly. My heart felt like it would burst. "Yes," I breathed.

Draco kissed me, softer than I had imagined he could. When he pulled back, I felt like skipping, or singing, or shouting to the world. I'm taken!

"I'll see you tomorrow, Mary," Draco said. I nodded, probably too eagerly, but I was far too excited to care. We left the room together and kissed in the corridor, a long, seductive promise. Or perhaps a reminder.

Either way, I retired to my bed shivering with the aftershocks of pleasure and lay awake happily remembering.

In the morning I felt sick with need and wanting. I wanted Draco. I didn't want to go to class. I didn't want to move from where I was. I just wanted to close my eyes and open them to Draco standing over me, the gleam of desire in his eyes and the playful smirk twisting his lips.

It was late before I dragged myself out of bed. I went downstairs, but the last students had already finished breakfast, and the dishes had been cleared away. It figured.

I decided not to go to class. I didn't want to. It wouldn't do me any good, anyway. I just couldn't pay attention. My damned mother kept flashing through my head and all I could think about was how she died, wondering how she died and why, wondering why my father hadn't come for me, why I had ever resisted going after what I wanted when it was so obvious that the only way to get what you wanted was persistence and lack of fear. I had always been so afraid of living.

I wandered the hallways, turning down one after another. Any time I heard the click of footsteps or the hum of voices, I turned away. I wanted to be alone. I sighed. I was alone. Utterly alone.

I managed to stay alone until class ended. Suddenly the halls were filled with students, and there was no escaping them. I stood at the walls of the corridors and watched them pass me. So many of them traveled in groups, smiling and laughing about their little dramas and pleasant little lives. Maybe I was jealous somehow, but at that moment, I hated them all.

I ducked into the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a stall, leaning against the wall and crying into a handful of my robes. I quieted at the sound of the door opening. The patter of a group of girls, all talking in near-whispers, caught my attention. I stepped up onto the toilet seat so that my feet wouldn't be visible. I didn't want anyone to know I was there. If I just waited, they'd finish and leave, and I could be alone again.

The girls gathered around the sinks, and after a moment, their voices rose to an audible level. "No, I really saw them together," one said. I recognized Padma Patil's voice. "And Parvati told me they've left class together a couple times."

My heart lurched. They couldn't be talking about me.

I heard Cho, the voice of reason, so soft, argue my behalf. "Mary has too much sense for that," she said. "And I can't see Draco being interested in her anyway. This is Mary we're talking about."

Marietta cut in. "You've seen her, Cho. She's different and you know it." I strained, but couldn't hear any more than a shuffle. "I know," Marietta said, "but you can't bring her mother back. You've got to just let her go."

"I thought Draco was with Pansy, anyway," Padma said.

I heard a snort of derision. "Doesn't she wish," Marietta said. "Pansy Parkinson has been after Draco since first year, and he lets her, but I don't think they've ever officially dated."

"Didn't they go to the Yule Ball together?"

"How would I know? I wasn't watching him, I was dancing!"

There were a few murmurs, and I couldn't pick out any words. I strained to listen, leaning out toward the door.

"But they aren't together together, are they?" The voices were too low for me to tell if it was Padma or Marietta.

Cho spoke up, very low, and I leaned further to hear. "She said she was seeing someone. Yeah, Mary did."

"You talked with her?" Padma asked.

I pushed the door open a crack and peered out, leaning precariously. The three were gathered by the sinks, their book bags in a pile near the door. Cho was nodding. "The other day," she said. "I was with my study group and she walked by." Cho glanced down, then back up at Padma. "She said she was seeing someone. I didn't really believe her."

"Why not?" Padma asked.

I leaned forward a bit, and my foot began to slip. I grabbed hold of the top edge of the stall, but my foot slid backward and I lost my grip, toppling foot-first into the toilet. My other foot landed on the floor, throwing me off-balance, and I finished by going face-first into the door, which swung open, leaving me nowhere to go but front-down onto the ground.

I lifted my head to silence. I pushed myself to my feet, blushing scarlet. "I was just..." My face burned with tears. I wanted to say something to Cho, to hurt her, but I couldn't think of a thing. I wanted to run, but I'd have to pass them.

They stared at me, and I looked down at my feet.

"Is it true?" Padma asked quietly.

I looked up. "Yes," I said. I looked at Cho, daring her not to believe me now.

Padma and Marietta turned toward their bags, picking them up. "Come on, Cho," Marietta called. Cho started, then joined her friends. She took her bag from Marietta, and with one last glance at me, the three left.

I stood a moment, then decided to leave. I could go back to the dormitory. No one would be there at this time of day. I took one step and felt the water in my shoe squish. The edge of my robe stuck to my leg, wet with toilet water. I walked to the mirror, peering in. My nose was red, maybe from the crying, maybe from the knock it had taken. Probably from the knock, judging by the trickle of blood on my upper lip. I looked like I'd been beaten up.

I smiled. Maybe someone who'd seen Cho leave would see me too and think they'd kicked my ass.

I made my way to the dormitory, step-squishing through the corridors, step-squishing down the stairs. No one even noticed me. Not a single head turned as I passed. I was a non-entity.

I collapsed on my bed, exhausted. My mind was moving too fast. Cho, my mother, my father, Draco, classes, death, my mother, hate, pain, fear, Draco, love, Mother, fear, death, pain. I lost consciousness.