Who am I really?

Title: Who am I really?

Summary: AU!! “You cannot be Harry Potter. Harry Potter died thirteen years ago, along with his parents. Only his twin brother survived, ‘Theodore Potter’.”

Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me. This magical world and everything in it belongs to JK Rowling and her publishers.

Warnings: Okay, this will be a BDSM fic, for certain, but only later on in the fic. This is Snarry slash, Snape will be the Dominant but it will be very different from ‘Life as I know it’, Harry will stand up for himself more…

AN: Just a quick note to two of my lovely reviewers: (Not on this site but you may as well read it for informational purposes).
First one – (I won’t put any names): Severus knew how to spin the advantage to himself when Harry had him in his grip because he learned how to do it. And no, this is not something that ONLY muggles do. Why can’t wizards learn this from a young age? Plus, Snape is only half-blood, all the more reason why your own theory doesn’t work. In my fic, both wizards and muggles may learn self-defense from a young age if they wish, Severus wished. If you don’t like it, don’t read, no one’s forcing you.

Second one: True, Severus can’t predict what would happen with Theo and Harry/Raymond – but I never said it was carved in stone. It is just Severus’s own prediction of the relationship and as he had known Theo from first year (and even before); he has a good idea about how Theo will react toward Harry – especially when he finds out he’s his twin. This is FICTION – nothing is carved in stone. I don’t know how the end will be, neither does anyone else, just go with the flow or leave the fic. That’s my advice.

Everyone else: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews!!! They inspired me to write this chapter. :) Someone asked what you could do to keep me interested in the writing of this fic, well; ideas are always welcome and NEEDED! So, if you have any suggestions, please bring them forth.

Severus vowed to himself that he would not break that trust. Not even to spare his own dignity.

Chapter 7: Tentative first steps

When Raymond exited his quarters the next morning he was surprised to see Professor Snape standing there waiting for him.

Raymond opened his mouth to say something, anything, but words failed him. All those nights going through a dictionary and now he couldn’t even form the simplest words. It didn’t really surprise him, as the last words he had said to the man had NOT been nice. He willed down a blush.

Professor Snape didn’t seem to mind his quietness and merely started walking in the direction of the great hall.

“I was hoping to catch you this morning before you went up to breakfast.”

Raymond turned his head to his Professor as the man spoke, unconsciously bracing himself for a tongue lashing.

“No need to look so petrified. I merely wanted to congratulate you on successfully using scurrilous language with me. You’ve come a long way since we’ve met.”

Raymond tried his very best not to look as confused as he felt but by the way his Professor’s lips curled up in that oh-so-hated smirk, he hadn’t managed as well as he hoped.

What in the world kind of word was ‘scurrilous’ anyway?

If the Professor had used some wizarding phrase or something, Raymond would just have to tell the man that it disqualified his attempt at the game. Yes, that’s what he’d do.

If however, he actually found that word in the dictionary, well, he’d apologize to the Professor for thinking him a cheating, conceited twit; in his mind of course. No need for the man to know just what he was thinking of him at the moment.


*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*


Severus couldn’t deign himself to answer the headmaster’s questions about why Severus was in such a chipper mood that morning.

Not only was Severus never chipper, but there was no way on earth that Severus would tell the man that he was actually playing a GAME with one of the students. No, he would never live that down. Hmmmm, he might just be able to give the old fool a heart attack.

Weighing the pro’s and con’s, Severus decided against it. There was only a minimal chance that the old man would actually do him the favor of toppling off his chair in a dead faint, whereby he would then later stand up and twinkle at Severus for the remainder of the year. No, better not.

Especially since the headmaster might not take too kindly to the fact that said student insulted faculty members to their faces without a blink of the eye. Severus could tell from the beginning that the headmaster was not pleased to see Raymond and Severus was not going to do anything that might make the boy’s stay at Hogwarts even less pleasant than it would be. The fact that the boy was sorted into Slytherin was the first contributing fact that the boy would first suffer before he could shine. And shine he would, Severus had no doubt about that. The boy was a genius – not that Severus would tell that to him to his face – the way he could absorb information was downright scary at times.

The only downside to Raymond’s unique situation – and his unique aptitude – was that by the time he caught up with his year mates, he would be bored stiff with the work. What took the average student two weeks to learn, Raymond did in two days!

Severus vowed to himself that he’d get the boy some extra reading to keep him busy while the other students struggled through the work.

Hmmm, maybe he should get the boy an encyclopedia next… The game would certainly evolve into more than just word games. He could just imagine the boy’s face when Severus starts reciting the fifty states in the USA. He guessed he would be round about Florida or Georgia before the boy would scramble for a quill and parchment to write it all down. He might actually look each State up in the dictionary before he realized that it was part of a new game – will the boy’s dictionary state that each of those names was a State in America? Severus thought it might. So yes, he might just invest in a new encyclopedia for the boy.

He refused to think or dwell on the fact that he was contemplating buying something for a student! Even more irritating, he had come to actually feel certain ‘affection’ for the boy. Severus was NOT a nice man and he certainly did NOT have any positive feelings toward anyone – definitely not toward a student!

For once, the fact that Severus’s mind was dwelling on one individual more than he would usually allow didn’t enter his thoughts.

*-------------------------------------------------------------*


Raymond redoubled his efforts in his studies after his first day of classes. The third years didn’t know what to make of him, being older than them had its advantages – he just looked at them and they would scurry off to their mates. Okay, so maybe age had nothing to do with it – it could be that he had learned most of his mannerisms from Professor Snape when working with other people; he had never been the social kind so he had not learned how to interact with others. The way his Professor went about that was just fine with him, he could cope with that. Stare someone down - they don’t come near. Simple.

The main reason he worked so hard was that though he was on third year work in potions, he was still only halfway through all his other second year work and so the third year work was a bit daunting for him. He would catch up though, and soon!!

Daunting; one of his newest words. Raymond remembered that first day after classes when he had scrambled to find his dictionary and look up ‘scurrilous’ – that he actually found it in the dictionary was not really so much a surprise as was the meaning of the word. He blushed bright red when he realized that the Professor had used his own words and in a round-about way brought it back on Raymond. The Professor had basically told him in the face that he knew Raymond had insulted him and he had complimented him on the fact!

Raymond had been prepared for the Professor to lay into him about insulting a figure of authority; he had been prepared to take whatever the Professor saw fit to dole out. What he hadn’t expected however, was that the Professor would compliment him on insulting a faculty member! Severus Snape was an enigma to Raymond – one he was determined to figure out.


*---------------------------------------------------------------*


Severus looked down at the hunched figure by his side. It had been two weeks since the start of school and Severus could see that Raymond was not fairing too well.

None of the students, not even the Slytherins – Severus was sad to admit, had really accepted Raymond into their fold. He was the newest oddity in school. Everyone wanted to know about him, wanted to see him, but no one wanted to KNOW him. Know the person inside.

Severus refused to acknowledge just what he felt about that.

Making a decision, Severus gripped the boy’s shoulder – refusing to acknowledge the slight flinch – and steered him toward his own quarters.

The boy had nothing but tea in his own rooms and Severus was in dire need of something stronger.

He had never brought a student to his own quarters and it was with a mixture of feelings that Severus opened the door to Raymond. On the one hand he wanted to do this for the boy, on the other hand, it felt like an invasion of his privacy but Severus squashed that down – HE was the one who had dragged the boy here after all.

Severus pointed the boy towards the sofa while he went to pour them both some drinks. After a minute of contemplation, Severus called one of the house elves and ordered a butterbeer for the boy. Raymond had never had one before and Severus felt like doing something ni… like doing this for the boy.

Returning to his quiet visitor, Severus handed the butterbeer over while explaining that it is a wizarding drink and the boy should at least try it!

Raymond’s eyes lit up for a moment after the first taste before clouding over once again. Severus really began to worry then.

“Is there anything you would like to talk about tonight? No word games, nothing. Just talk?”

Severus looked the boy over and decided that he would sit there and wait even if it took the whole evening, this just could not continue. He didn’t know exactly what was wrong with the boy, but obviously something was wrong.

“I just, I don’t…. I, I can’t…” Raymond made a frustrated sound and clenched his hands on his lap.

Severus put his drink down before leaning forward and gently tipping the boy’s head up so he was looking him in the eye.

“No matter what you say, no matter what you do, nothing goes past this room. I vow to you that whatever you tell me will never leave my lips unless you wish it so.”

It was not a very strong vow or incantation but it was still a binding one and Severus could feel the magic swirling around the two of them before it settled. By the look on Raymond’s face, he had felt it too.

“That was, that’s…. I don’t. Grrr… I don’t know why this is so difficult for me Professor. Maybe it’s because I have never confided in anyone before and to do so now, well, it’s…. difficult.”

Severus nodded but kept quiet. He would let the boy be, let him decide for himself whether or not he was ready to make this step – to confide in someone.

“It’s, I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it. I have dreams, nightmares. Every night. I don’t know what to do! I’ve tried staying up all night but then my work suffers the following day. The nightmares, though overwhelming, are not really THAT bad but I just can’t seem to snap out of this…. funk.”

It had been quite a while since Severus had heard the boy use words such as ‘funk’ but he wouldn’t hold it against the boy.

Thinking hard on what to do now, Severus decided that Dreamless Sleep might be an option but only if the boy refused to rather just talk about it.

“What are the nightmares about? Can you tell me about it?”

Raymond looked up at him and Severus could see an internal struggle behind those eyes. Just as he was about to suggest that the boy should maybe take some Dreamless Sleep, Raymond spoke up.


*---------------------------------------------------------------*


Raymond debated with himself whether or not he should tell his Professor about his nightmares.

He had come to know the man quite well; he had even come to trust the man to a certain extent. Did he trust him enough to tell him this?

Raymond didn’t know and he doubted he would ever find out if he didn’t take that first step. How could you learn to trust someone when you refused to confide in them?

Maybe he could tell his Professor about his nightmares, some of them at least. He would not tell everything, no, no, that would be a very bad idea, but he could tell him some things…

“Mostly my nightmares revolve around Jarvis.”

There, he had said it.

Now however, his throat closed up and Raymond was horrified to feel tears gather in his eyes.

The hand that was holding his chin up moved to his shoulder and squeezed.

Raymond crumbled.

Leaning forward, Raymond laid his head on his Professor’s strong chest while he let all his pent up emotions out. It had been years since the last time he had cried like this and he could already feel the shame rise in him but for now, he just let the anguish he felt take precedence. One thing he knew without a doubt was that Professor Snape was a man of his word and that no one else would find out about his breakdown.


*----------------------------------------------------------------------*


Severus could honestly say that he was astounded by the fact that the boy had crumbled as quickly as he did. He had prepared himself for a whole night of silent support while the boy sorted his feelings. What he hadn’t expected was for the boy to let go after just ten minutes of silence.

It wasn’t a bad thing, not at all. It showed Severus that there was a certain trust between them – more so than ever before – and that the boy was still able to behave like a child, not only like the adult in a child’s body he had been for weeks now.

The boy’s sobs had yet to subside and Severus decided to-hell with dignity – he was the boy’s legal guardian and so he would act like it.

Standing up but never letting go of the boy, Severus seated himself next to Raymond on the sofa and settled the boy against his chest where he then wrapped his arms around the shaking shoulders.

They sat that way for hours. Raymond had quieted after only a few minutes but Severus had kept hold of him until he felt the boy relax and settle in to sleep.

Feeling the young man’s weight against his chest brought home the fact that Severus was responsible for someone other than himself and he only hoped that he would be capable enough in this new endeavor. He knew that if he let this boy down then Raymond would never be able to trust again. Never be able to confide in anyone again and deep down he knew that all would be lost then. One thing he knew for certain was that Raymond was the turning point in the war to come.

Severus knew there was a war to come; he could feel it in the air and on his skin.

His dark mark had pulsed for the first time in thirteen years that very morning.


End Chapter 7


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