Harry Potter and the Half Blood Pimp Two

“Then who asked what a cop was?” Harry asked as he twisted in his seat to look behind him, not seeing any thing but a glass tank. “I must be going nuts.”

“Guess so.” Neville laughed as Tonks began taking roll.



The class consisted of basic first day of class banter. Tonks would call each student up, and have them cast a few spells or deflect something she cast at them. Simple and boring, until she called on Harry.

“Mr. Potter.” Tonks read off of her clipboard, “To the front please.”

“Word.” Harry stood, shook a bit and patted Neville on the back. “Save my seat dawg.” Within moments he was standing at the head of the class.

“I want you to cast a spell at the target I will summon for you. What spell would you use if you were being accosted by a dark wizard?”

“I have no fucking idea what accosted means, but if you want me to bust a cap, im fin’ to lay down.” Harry spoke, his wand twirling lazily between his fingers.

“Right. Get on with it then.” Tonks simply stared at Harry, as she flicked her wand, causing a large bulls eye to appear next to the wall. “Any jinx or charm you like.”

Harry seemed to concentrate for a moment before raising his wand up. His arm extended and locked, a slight twist in the wrist he began to breath slowly and deliberately.

“Any time now Potter.”

“Wait a minute broad. I’m concentrating.”

“Excuse…?”

The silence of the classroom was shattered as a multitude of light began to erupt from the end of Harry’s wand. Tiny red flecks of energy burst from the tip in quick succession, a deafening report accompanying each round as he punched a rather large group of holes into the target.

“What spell is this?” Tonks demanded as she racked her mind for any idea of Unforgiveable-ness within his casting.

“Reducto… Sorta… See, they be teaching us to make this big ass wasteful muther fuckin blast a’ energy. I saw ma girl reading about dis shit, and so I just sorta figured out how ta do it. I been waiting to try dis shit.” Harry grinned as he blew on the tip of his wand sharply.

“You could kill someone with that!” She shrieked as her entire body trembled with rage.

“You told me to treat the target like a dark wizard!” Harry screamed back, his face dangerously close to hers. “What you want? I aint gonna tickle a mutha fucka who be tryin to bust a cap in ma’ ass!”

“What makes you any different from the dark wizard when you kill? Huh!?” Tonks spat as she clenched her clipboard between her white knuckles.

“Alive!” Harry screamed back, his wand spitting green sparks as it reacted to his anger. “Alive is what I would be bitch! I aint goin down, without takin down!”

“Out! Get out of my class!” Tonks bellowed, her face turning bright red as her hair shifted into a fiery orange. “Get the hell out of here you animal!”

“Obviously, I don’t need yo’ class!” Harry laughed angrily as he walked to the back of the room to collect his book. “Fuck dis shit, and fuck yo’ ass, pig!”

Harry slammed the door just as a rather vicious genital warts spell crashed into it, originating from Tonk’s wand. “Good riddens!” She spat before turning back to the class, her chest heaving as she pointed at Neville. “LongBottom! Get the hell up here and cast a fucking spell!”



Harry walked down the hall till he reached the stair well where he eventually decided to check his schedule. “Double Potions.” He thought aloud as he read the slip of paper.

“That is not for another hour Potter, I would really like to enjoy my time away from your inept experiments.” Snape drawled as he stepped up next to Harry.

“I left class early, bitch couldn’t teach me nothing new.”

“I doubt that.” Snape replied evenly.

“I’m here ain’t I?”

“I don’t doubt that you left class. I do doubt you know everything.” Snape stated with a very frustrated look on his face.

“Oh. Well, where you headed?”

“To see Dumbledore, Ms. Granger is there now.”

“Aw shit.” Harry growled as he ran a hand through his hair.

“My sentiments exactly Potter. Why are you worried?” Snape inquired.

“She in trouble because of me ain’t she?” Harry asked, his eyes filled with worry.

“I don’t know actually. I was asked to report to the office for an important discussion. She may not even be in trouble.”

“Awwww man, thank god.” Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yes, well… I’ll see you in an hour Potter. Don’t be late.” Snape drawled before stepping onto one of the rotating stairwells, his form quickly disappearing as he began the ascent to the headmaster’s office.



Harry decided to explore the castle since he had taken it upon himself to take a break on the first day of school. He decided quickly he would explore the dungeons, as he didn’t want to run into his head of house.

It didn’t take long for Harry to find his way to his destination, the entrance to the Slytherin’s common room. “Let me in.” Harry commanded as he pointed a finger at the painting.

“Password?”

“Grease?”

“No… Why do you want in here any ways Gryffindor?” The painting spat as Harry realized it wasn’t a picture of a Troll but a very large and ugly man.

“I don’t know. I guess it’s just something I’m not supposed to do. If I’m gonna be in trouble, might as well do it right. Feel me?”

Before the painting could reply, another voice rang out from behind Harry. “My sentiments exactly.” The blonde haired boy laughed.

“See?” Harry turned back to the painting, his finger pointing at the boy. “So who are you?”

“Draco Malfoy.” The boy spoke regally as he extended his hand to Harry. “You are Harry Potter, an honor, I assure you.”

“Heh… Right… You don’t look like it’s an honor.” Harry laughed as he shook hands with the boy.

“Well of course I don’t like you.” Draco shrugged before speaking the password for the portrait. “Shall we?”

“Certainly.” Harry grinned as they walked into the common room of the Slytherins.

“So why you hatin?” Harry inquired as he took in the sights before him. The Slytherin common room looked more like a gothic sex castle, and less a room for concentration. The chairs and couches were all leather, the carpet a deep red and the walls black with green snake like patterns rising up from the floor.

“Approve?” Draco asked as he plopped down on one of the couches, a rather loud noise pressing its self out from between the cushions. “I don’t like you because you are the poster boy for goody goody Gryffindor…”

“You playin right?”

“Well, you were supposed to be. I was raised to hate you… Then you never show up, and when I finally meet you… you are… well… you?” Draco explained as his hands formed designs in the air subconsciously, his body attempting to convey the feelings his mouth could not.

“So… I was supposed to be some one else?” Harry asked.

“Of course. You’re the mighty Harry Potter, destroyer of the dark lord and purveyor of the light…” Draco gesticulated. “Then you show up, and your Potter the Pimp, purveyor of pornography.”

“I don’t sell porn, ass hat!” Harry yelped.

“No offense intended of course.” Draco smiled cheekily.

“So why you bugged?”

“Well, I can’t beat you up, or pick on you… You just aren’t… normal enough… No one even thinks you deserve to be in Gryffindor, every one knows you should be Slytherin, you just went to that house to be with the mud blood.”

“What’s a mud blood?”

“Non full blooded magick peoples. Hermione.” Draco explained casually.

“I’m mud blood… right?” Harry asked, his face etched in confusion as he leaned back in the seat across from Draco.

“Yes… Sort of, but you defeated You-Know-Who, so it would be in my better judgment not to refer to you as such.”

“Got ya, so it’s an insult?” Harry inquired, and then continued as Draco nodded. “It sucks, if you gonna talk shit about my girl, at least talk shit fo’ reals. Mud blood is kid shit.”

“I know. That’s why I hate you. There isn’t any thing I can do to you. I was raised to hate you, and now that you are here. I can’t.” Draco sighed as he pulled at the stitching that held the leather together.

“Well, if we work together, I’m sure we can find a reason for you to not like me.” Harry grinned as he stood. “I have to be in Potions now.”

“Me too.” Draco replied as he to stood. “I ditched divination this morning.”

“Defense against the dark arts for me.” Harry laughed.

“Lets go.”



“Mr. Potter. Mr. Malfoy.” Snape acknowledged them as they entered, “Find your seats.”

“I’m gonna kick it with ma girl.” Harry grinned as he patted Draco on the back. “Holler at me some other time, may be we can duel or something.”

“I would love to.” Draco smiled as he made his way to the front of the class.

“Hey girl.” Harry whispered as he sat next to Hermione. “Every thing ok?” He inquired as she looked at him. It was obvious she had been crying, her eyes red and puffy.

“Of course. We have class.” She spoke, phlegm muffling her words as she tried to clear her throat. “Class.” She repeated before turning to her notes.

Harry spent the rest of the period staring more at Hermione then Snape. Concerned over her behavior, Harry obviously paid no attention to the lecture, but Snape seemed to have either not noticed, or over looked it, as he never called on Harry during the class.

Eventually the class was dismissed and Harry pulled Hermione to the side. “What’s a matter?” He spoke as softly as he could, unnerved by Hermione’s inability to look him in the eye.

“Nothing.” She whimpered before collapsing into his arms, sobbing.

“Obviously something.” Harry spoke as he stroked her hair.

“Obviously Potter.” Snape spat as he walked past them, slamming his door with a flick of his wand. “Display your affection some where else.” He growled over his shoulder. “Lunch is now.”

“Come on love. We got lunch. Girl gotta eat.” Harry grinned at her as Hermione sniffled violently.

“I… I don’t think I’m hungry.” She whined as Harry pivoted to her side, his left arm wrapped around her torso.

“Then eat fo’ me.” Harry smiled as he began to pace her towards the Great Hall. “Let’s get dem eyes dried by the time we get there, then we can talk tonight. A’ight?” Harry commanded in a soft voice that left no room for argument.

“Fine.” Hermione replied, her voice muffled as she wiped her face with the sleeve of her robe. “I guess I do have to eat for someone.”



Neville stood and waved Harry and Hermione to his position as they entered the Hall. His schedule having sent him to Advanced Herbology while Harry and Hermione shared Potions.

“Hey guys!” Neville cheerily greeted them as he motioned with his arm to their seats. “How has your first half of school been?”

“Not so great, I guess.” Harry shrugged as he jerked his chin at Hermione, who had remained silent and pensive.

“That bad huh?” Neville stroked his chin with his left hand as he used his right to skewer a bite of lamb. “Well, it can only get better I would think.”

Harry turned to look at Hermione as she gave a mirthless laugh that seemed to bring her back to near tears. “Only better… right…” She spoke, her voice shaky.

“We got’s to talk.” Harry replied as he reached out to snatch the plate of chicken away from a second year. “Save some for the rest of us shorty!” Harry grunted before snagging three pieces of chicken off the platter.

“Thanks.” Hermione sighed as Harry placed one of the chicken legs on her plate.

“It’ll make you feel better, and if you puke, I’ll save you some bread.” Harry grinned as he wrapped two rolls in a napkin and placed them in his pocket.

“I think I will save some bread to.” Neville grinned as he snatched up three rolls and placed them in his pocket.

Hermione shook her head exasperatedly, before taking a deep breath and beginning to nibble on her meal.

“That’s my girl.” Harry encouraged her as he took a large sip of his pumpkin juice. “This shit right here.” He spoke to Neville as he pointed at his glass, “Mix a little cinnamon schnapps in this bitch, and you got a drink for kings.” Harry smiled as Neville nodded enthusiastically. “You’d get Fonzed up in style with this.”

“Fonzed up?” Neville stopped nodding, small amounts of chicken grease shining at the edge of his lips as he looked at Harry.

“Fucked up. Laid out. Fonzed… drunk man!” Harry laughed as Neville began nodding again.

“Drinking is bad for you Harry.” Hermione chastised him, a small bit of her normal self shining through as Harry attempted to look thoroughly admonished.

“Well, after lunch I have Care of magickal creatures.” Neville spoke as he rubbed one of his hands over his stomach.

“Same for us.” Hermione answered for Harry, having all ready memorized both of their schedules. “Then we have study time.”

“Me too.” Neville grinned. “Break time!”

“Yeaaaaa budddyyy… errr… Study time!” Harry grinned as Hermione glared at him. “Can’t wait to study!”

Neville laughed as Hermione simply sighed.



Harry, Neville, and Hermione walked together to Hagrids hut, his home having become the meeting point for the class. “I love this shit.” Harry smiled as he attempted to crane his neck to see what Hagrid was planning to expose them to next.

“ ‘Alo children! Gather ‘round now!” Hagrid boomed, his gigantic frame dwarfing the students as they walked to where Hagrid was. “Each o’ ya’ will take a snake and feed ‘em!” His voice echoing through the grounds as he began handing out small glass tanks to each student, “Work in pairs, the ‘lot of ye’!”

Harry and Hermione took their snake and walked towards a slightly shaded spot, Harry carrying the glass case, while Hermione brought a small jar of roaches for the snake to eat.

“I guess you can feed him, and I will take notes as you do it.” Hermione shivered as she pressed the bottle into Harry’s hand. “I hate snakes.” She sighed, but was amazed when Harry began hissing at the snake, causing her to smile a bit at his playfulness.

Hermione sat with her back pressed against the tree, watching Harry as he continued to feed the snake, having laid the snake out on the grass. She was amazed when it didn’t try to leave. It was almost as though he were speaking to it.



“Holler.” Harry told the Snake as he removed a roach from the jar. “You eat dis shit?”

“Why yes, I do.” The snake had replied, “I love the things.”

“My name is Harry.”

“Rupert.”

“So Rupert, what kind of snake do you be, that speaks English?” Harry inquired, occasionally looking back towards Hermione as she scribbled furiously at her notes.

“I don’t speak English.” The snake replied, after swallowing another roach. “You speak snake.”

“I do not….” Harry tilted his head before turning to Hermione. “Baby, This snake speaks English.”

“What Harry?” Hermione inquired, as she crawled forward to investigate.

“Watch.” Harry replied before turning to the snake. “I’m gonna tell Rupert, that’s the snake to slither in a circle then wag his tail.”

Harry turned back to the snake and hissed, and immediately the snake slithered in a circle, flicked it’s tongue and wiggled its tail.

“Oh my god!” Hermione almost shouted as she jumped back wards. “You speak snake! You are a parslemouth!”

“A what?” Harry inquired, not to happy to have scared Hermione. “What the hell is that?”

“A person who speaks to snakes obviously.” Rupert hissed before going silent as Harry hissed for him to shut up.

“All the parslemouths ever have been dark wizards Harry.” She spoke slowly, “You-Know-Who was the last snake speaker to live… until you I guess.”

“Hey Hagrid, what you gonna do with these snakes?” Harry shouted as he reached down and let Rupert wrap around his wrist.

“Feed ‘em to the skrewts tommorow!” Hagrid bellowed back, before looking flustered. “Shouldn’t ‘av said that!”

“Fuck.” Harry growled as he looked at Rupert. “I can’t let him kill these little bastards. They speak, they like people.” He began thinking hard as he turned to Hermione. “You gotta help me girl. Save the snakes, please?” His eyes wide, Hermione realized he was serious. (Not Sirius thank you very much)

“Harry, we can’t. I… How do you propose we do this?”



Harry spoke to Rupert in hushed tones, explaining the danger as he prepared to execute their plan. “Just be ready to slither the fuck out of here. Tell yo’ friends.” Harry explained as he lifted the tank and placed it in a stack with the rest as they all prepared for class to end.

Hermione twirled her wand in her hand, ready to act as soon as Harry gave the signal.

“Well class, that does it I think.” Hagrid smiled as he clapped his hands together. “We will continue yer’ lesson next time.”

“Hey Hagrid.” Harry interrupted. “I’m sorry about this man… but…” Immediately Harry’s voice warped to an almost demonic sounding hiss, his orders being shouted to the snakes as Hermione tipped the tanks over with her wand. The snakes hissed in reply as they began to slither through the crowd, the students scattering in screaming groups as they attempted to avoid the escaping snakes.

“Get!” Harry yelled as Rupert slithered up to his feet. “Escape with yo life man.” He pleaded as Rupert simply lay against his shoe.

“I would like to live with you now.” Rupert Hissed lazily as he looked up at Harry. “You are a good human, I think I will take you as my pet.”

“Shiiiit.” Harry laughed before scooping Rupert up, oblivious to the panic he had created.

Hagrid simply stared slack jawed at Harry, unable to move as he churned what he had witnessed over in his mind. “Class dismissed.” He finally whispered as Harry waved good-bye, he and Hermione being the last students in the area.

“Sorry bout yo snakes! Use rabbits or some shitty animal like that!” Harry yelled as he and Hermione began walking back to the castle.

Hermione clutched her gut as she walked, her pace slowing.

“Gonna be sick girl?”

Hermione was silent for a moment before rushing over to a bush, her stomach emptying in heaves. Harry simply moved to her side, allowing her to grip his arm as she puked.

When she finally stood again, she became mortified as Harry used the sleeve of his robe to wipe some of the mucous from her nose. “Harry!” She yelped as he scrubbed lightly on her face.

“What?” He spoke evenly, “It aint like my nose aint been between yo ass cheeks. Shit.”

Hermione had no argument for him, but simply remained still as he performed his ministrations.

“Bread.” He smiled gently at her as he removed a roll from within his pocket. “Then I’m going to take you to the hospital wing.”

“No…” Hermione sighed as she took the roll from Harry. “I’ve all ready been.”

“And?” Harry asked, his voice twanging as he waited patiently for her explanation.

“I’ll be fine. They said to… eat bread and vegetables.” She laughed softly as Harry beamed.

“See. Dr. Pimp… er… Dr. Potter to the rescue.” He blushed as he pressed a stray hair away from her face. “Let’s get to studying I guess…” A smile played at his lips as he stroked Hermione’s cheek.

“Is your mate well?” Rupert hissed from around Harry’s arm as they continued on to the castle.

“Sho’ is.” Harry hissed back, having brought his arm up to his face, a grin plastered on his face.



When they made it to the common room of Gryffindor, Harry was surprised to find every one giving him a wide berth. Though, it may have had to do with the live snake wrapped around his arm, which was visible, as Harry had rolled his sleeves up.

“You sit here, and I will get what ever you need.” Harry explained as he stroked Hermione’s hair, Rupert hissing in protest as her hair tickled him.

“We just need a defense against the dark arts book. Since both of us missed it this morning.” Hermione scowled at Harry causing him to fidget.

“How did you know?”

“McGonagall was looking for you…” Hermione replied cryptically. “It’s all right though. She doesn’t need you now.”

“Cool.” Harry shrugged as he walked to his dorm to retrieve his defense book, having put it away earlier.

It took him a moment to find the book, but when he returned down stairs, he was surprised to find Hermione sleeping with her head laid upon her crossed arms.

“Damn, poor girl is beat.” Harry cooed as he allowed Rupert to slither off his arm onto the table. “I’ll let you sleep till dinner baby.” He snickered as he cast a silence bubble around her ears, hoping she would be able to have a refreshing nap.

“Is that… Nice?” Rupert inquired as he cocked his head, his tongue flickering at an enhanced pace.

“She needs some sleep.” Harry shrugged indignantly, “I think it’s fine if I let her.”

Rupert stared for a moment before slithering closer to Hermione, his features relaxing as her warm breath sped from under her arms in tiny blasts. “This is nice.”

“Just don’t forget, she is mine.” Harry grumbled slightly as he watched the snake, a tinge of jealousy cutting into his gut.

Harry opened his book and began to diligently take notes, hoping that Hermione would be pleased if he presented her with some form of product, even if he knew she would want to take her own.



Almost an hour into his note taking, Harry was startled when Neville walked up to him. “Hey Harry.” He spoke slowly as he eyed the snake dozing with Hermione.

“What it is Neville?” Harry spoke in a hushed whisper, a muggle habit as his girlfriend sleeped.

“Just… You know, every one is saying you can speak snake. I saw you freak out during Hagrids class.” Neville spoke tentatively.

“Yea, I can.” Harry replied quickly as he began scratching his quill on the parchment again. “This is Rupert.” He continued as he pointed with his free hand at the snake.

“You can?” Neville sounded almost fearful now. “That’s… usually an evil wizard trait…”

“And?” Harry inquired as he looked up from the stacks of parchment he had scribbled on. “Doesn’t change who I am Nev.”

“I… I guess your right… but… powerful dark wizards are parslemouths Harry.” Neville explained as he took the seat across from Harry. “Professor Tonks said you were an evil person to the class, then you go and set the snakes loose… it just looked real bad.”

“Fuck her.” Harry replied nonplussed. “I gots my friend.” He pointed the quill at Neville. “I got’s my broad.” He jerked the quill at Hermione. “Now I gots me a pet.” Pointing the quill at the snake. “What else do I need?”

“Yea. I guess you are right.” Neville spoke as he began to relax. “I just… be ready for every one to treat you differently.”

“Fuck em. Let’s get dinner.” Harry grinned as he stood, waving his wand gently at Hermione; he removed the spell and slowly whispered into her ear. “Wake up baby.”

“A patronus frightens goats.” Hermione mumbled as she stirred lightly, her movements waking Rupert.

“This goat wants you to wake up.” Harry spoke a bit louder as he kissed on her ear.

For a moment, Hermione lay still, then her eyes fluttered open, a small yawn escaping her lips, which Harry interrupted by attempting to place his nose into her mouth.

“What are you doing?” Hermione grumbled as Harry grinned wildly at her.

“Presenting my notes to you.” Harry replied as he pressed a stack of almost twenty five sheets of paper at Hermione proudly.

“Wait… How long have I been asleep?”

“It’s dinner time now.”

“DAMN IT!” Hermione screamed as she slammed her palms onto the table, her outburst startling Rupert into slithering off the table and onto Harry’s lap.

“It’s ok girl, just read my notes. We didn’t miss any thing you don’t know.” Harry consoled her as he ran his ink-stained fingers through her hair.

“You write notes like a flobberworm!” She spat before recoiling. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.” Harry replied flatly. “You just cranky.” He continued as Hermione threw her arms around him, tears leaking from her eyes.

“I’m a stupid idiot.” She sobbed as Harry attempted to pull her into a position he could look her in her eyes in.

“You.” He stated firmly as he shook her shoulders lightly, “Are the smartest witch in over a century to strut through Hogwarts girl.”

“No… I’m not.” She continued to cry as Harry rubbed her back. “I’m… I’m…”

“Beautiful? Smart? Sexy?” Harry offered as he continued to rub circles in her back with the palm of his hand.

“Pregnant!” She whispered, it felt as though the entire room froze. The only sound was the hiss of Rupert as his tongue continued to jerk in and out of his mouth involuntarily.

“What?” Harry broke the silence as his hands trembled and his mouth became dry like sand. “You are what? Neville, get out of here. Clear the rest of these fucks out too, every one goes to dinner now.”

Neville stood swiftly and pointed at the doorway, the remaining stragglers quickly exiting with him at Harry’s commandment.

“My doctor… I got a test a week ago, I came back positive. My doctor told my parents, and my parents contacted Dumbledore. That is why McGonagall wanted you earlier.” She whimpered as Harry clutched her to his chest. “She wanted to tell you, but I pleaded with her to let me tell you.”

Harry remained silent, unsure of how to respond. “Well, I guess this was bound to happen the way we acted.” He thought to himself as he felt his hands tremble.

“Harry?” Hermione asked, her small hands pressing against his chest, unable to pull away as he clutched her. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know.” He sputtered, his voice cracking as his mind raced with thoughts. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m keeping it.” She spoke softly. “I won’t… I can’t… It’s my flesh, and I will raise it…”

Harry quickly snapped out of his trance as he looked down at her. “I ain’t having my kid call another man daddy. I’m here for you girl. It ain’t just yours.”

“Harry. You don’t…”

Harry quickly interrupted. “I told you, I wanted a down ass bitch. I wanted you to be down for me. You don’t think I would ask you to do, what I wouldn’t do for you?”

Again the tears flowed as Hermione gripped Harry as though he could blow away if she didn’t. “I love you. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do, or to say, and I’m so sorry I doubted you. I love you.” She sobbed as Harry kissed the top of her head repeatedly.

“I love you to.” Harry sighed as he rested his cheek upon her head. “I’ll always be here girl. I don’t know what the boys at home are gonna say when I introduce em to my baby’s mama.” He laughed lightly as Hermione continued to breath hard.

The silence was broken as Rupert slowly slithered up Harry’s arm, “I desire food.” His tongue bounced off the side of Harry’s face as he hissed his demands.

“Lets hit up dinner… get some food in us… then we gotta sit down and start talking…” Harry explained as he patted Hermione’s back. “Come on girl, we got a lot ahead of us. I’m down for you though.”

Hermione remained sitting, unable to pull her self to a standing position. “I can’t go out there. I can’t face every one.”

“Why?” Harry asked as he sat back down. “Why can’t you face every one?”

“Every one is going to know. I didn’t want them to know, but I said it in front of half the common room… I’m so stupid.” She spoke as she placed her face in her hands.

“I don’t think any one heard you but Neville.” Harry consoled her, “Neville is a G, he wouldn’t talk shit girl. You know that.”

“You think?” Hermione whimpered as she looked back up at Harry.

“Well, Rupert heard to, but I don’t know of any other dark wizards for him to talk to.” Harry grinned as Hermione simply stared at him flabbergasted.

“We know you aren’t a dark wizard Harry.” Hermione spoke but Harry simply laughed.

“Well, if every one is going to think I am one, might as well pretend.” Harry looked as though his eyes were sparkling. “But I have one more question before we go.”

“What?” Hermione offered as Harry took on a more serious face.

“Do I really write like a flobberworm?”

“Wait!”

“Don’t cry!”

“I’m just kidding!”

“Baby it’s a joke!”



Harry eventually calmed Hermione down enough to make an appearance at dinner; though it was obvious the feast was nearing completion.

“Harry!” Neville shouted as he waved at them from near the center of the house table. “Hermione! Over here!” He screeched as he pointed ecstatically at two plates he had filled with food and saved for them.

“Finally.” Rupert hissed from Harry’s arm as he slithered forward, his tongue flickering madly at the scent of food that permeated the room. “Your mate is very... bothersome.”

“Don’t be a dick Rupert.” Harry hissed back into his sleeve as he guided Hermione to her seat.

“Hey guys.” Neville smiled, a questioningly look in his eyes. “Every thing… ok?” He inquired, his eyes on Hermione.

“Harry can tell you all about it, if he wants.” Hermione sighed as she began to nibble on a bite of roast beef.

Before Harry could speak, Rupert lashed out from his perch, with a lightning quick snap his jaws connected firmly with a sausage link, which immediately disappeared beneath the arm of Harry’s robe.

“Holy shit!” Harry shouted, causing the two first years next to him to topple backwards as they too yelled. “Fast and hungry fucker. Ain’t he?” Harry laughed as he lifted his robe to watch Rupert begin to swallow the link, his eyes lolling in ecstasy as he savored his meal.

“Harry, that’s kind of scary.” Neville whispered as he eyed the two first years chattering fiercely behind their hands. “That snake could be dangerous.”

“Fer sheezy!” Harry began to giggle as his face contorted. “Sick, I can feel the food squeezing in his body!”

“That’s disgusting.” Hermione admonished as she pat her lips with her napkin.

“You’re telling me?” Harry smiled as he began to eat.

“You two notice any thing?” Neville asked, as he looked about the great hall. “I bet you can notice if you look.”

“We have new students!” Hermione exclaimed as she craned her neck to look at each table.

“Yep. Two schools sent people to compete. The Frenchies and Bulgarians.” Neville smirked as Harry snorted into his meal. “See them?”

Harry looked up from his meal to peer about the hall, his vision locking on a female sitting at the Ravenclaw table. “Daaaaamn.” Harry groaned as he stood in his seat.

“Uhoh. Harry spotted the Half-Veela.” Neville laughed as he noticed the very angry look on Hermione’s face.

“I don’t think she is pretty.” Hermione growled as she looked where Harry was staring.

“That aint it!” Harry laughed as he turned back to Hermione, a grin on his face. “I would turn that bitch out on the street so fast, her tits would spin!”

“Oh my God Harry!” Hermione laughed as she covered her mouth with a hand. “I thought you were attracted to her…”

“Fuck no! I could make some money off that bitch, look at every one drooling over her ass! Stuck up bitch oughta get tapped for a few bucks and I’d be rollin…”Harry spoke quickly as he gesticulated with his hands, Rupert the snake hissing his dissatisfaction with being whipped about at Harry’s excitement.

“I… have no idea whether I should be mad, jealous, or laugh.” Hermione spoke, her face blank as she attempted to understand what Harry was saying. “So you are saying you don’t like her?”

“I gots my girl, that other bitch just be a pay check.” Harry grinned at her as he sat back down. “I ain’t never fucked a girl that I was going to put on the streets.”

“Wow.” Neville gave a start before leaning forward. “So what IS it like to pimp?” His face scrunched up in anticipation as Harry continued to munch on his food.

“It’s a job.” Harry shrugged. “Work.”

“But… Isn’t… it like… glamorous?” Neville pressed as he stared intently.

“Van Gogh worked in paints. Ford worked in cars. I work in pussy. I’m an artist.” Harry smirked as he slurped a noodle from his spaghetti up.

“An artist huh?” Hermione snorted with a bemused expression on her face.

“You know what I mean girl.” Harry spoke quickly in to his meal.

“I do not know a thing about it.” Hermione smirked as Harry fidgeted, why don’t you tell me.

“Yea!” Neville agreed heartily. “I don’t know any thing about it either.”

“It ain’t glamorous.” Harry sighed before looking back up from his meal. “Not every one is like me or Silver.”

“I’m sorry.” Hermione sobered a bit as she took notice to Harry’s pained expression.

“Don’t be. There’s a lot of money involved. Load’s of physical shit, a muther fucker thinks he needs to be happy.” Harry continued. “See, but then there is the yelling, the beating, and the killin too.”

“Killing?” Neville gushed, his mouth and eyes wide in fascination.

“Some times you can’t talk your way out of bad business.” Harry shrugged. “That’s all I want to say.”

Hermione sat in deep thought, contemplating Harry’s words, and wondering about her situation. After a few moments, she scooted as close to Harry as she could, her lips pressed against his ear. “Have you really killed people Harry?”

“Yes.” He spoke aloud, a normal and relaxed tenor in his voice. “Enough times.”

Hermione was starting to get that queasy feeling in her stomach again.

Dumbledore interrupted every one’s conversation as he stood. “Now that I am sure the entire school is here to listen to this old fool.” A pointed look finding its way to Harry and Hermione, he continued to speak. “I think I should explain a few things.”

“Muther fucker ain’t a fool.” Harry mumbled as he eyed the Headmaster. “He just be charadin.”

“As I was saying.” Dumbledore began as he extended his arms in a wide arc, as though he were about to hug the entire audience. “This year Hogwarts will play host to the Tri-Wizard tournament. We have representatives from Durmstrang Institute of Magick!” Dumbledore paused as most of the school clapped for the students now residing at the Slytherin table. Minus Harry. “We also have representatives from France, of Beauxbatons Academy of Magick.” Again, Dumbledore took pause for the very loud clapping that extended from all the males projected at the Ravenclaw table. Except Harry.

“As you can see behind me.”

I hate clapping

SHHHHH Rupert

“There is now a cup.” Dumbledore smiled as every one craned forward to get a glimpse of the glowing cup that had materialized as he spoke. “Tomorrow, every one who is of seventh year will be allowed to attempt to enter the tournament. You will write your name on a slip of paper, and place it within the cup.”

“That sounds… normal…” Harry smirked as Hermione turned to him with an exasperated face. “Yea, I know. Be quiet.”

“I warn you, not to enter if you do not plan to compete.” Dumbledore boomed as he gave all of the students a very stern look. “If the cup chooses you, you will find you will not be able to back out of the competition.”

“I’m going to try to enter.” Neville whispered, as several other students murmured their agreement.

“Any one who is not of seventh year, you will find your self unable to get close enough to the cup to enter. This competition will be only for seventh years, and powerful magicks will assure this.” Dumbledore laughed lightly as the murmurs became louder with dissension. “You will thank me later, as this competition will be far to dangerous for any one not of seventh year level.”

“To dangerous for a cripple I bet too.” Harry laughed as he nudged Neville, “That shit would kill my ass.”

“Harry!” Hermione spun on him, a horrified look on her face. “You… aren’t a cripple, and you had better not die!”

“I ain’t entering. I ain’t got shit to worry about.” Harry smiled at her as he reached out to stroke the side of her face. “You ain’t gotta worry about shit either.”

“Good, because we have enough to worry about as it.”

“Yea… About that… Did I hear Hermione right? I mean, I won’t say anything… I’m just wondering.” Neville stuttered slightly as he whispered to Harry.

After a moment’s deliberation, Harry and Hermione simply nodded in unison, Harry giving a final command with a wink. “Just don’t spread it around… We don’t need every one knowing I’m a parselmouth.”

“Got you.” Neville confirmed as he leaned back in his seat, a small whistle escaping his lips. “You guys ARE going to have a lot to do this year.” He spoke with a look of pity at his friends.

“I got a plan.” Harry smiled as the students began to stand. “I always do.”

“Do you?” Hermione gave him a slightly skeptical look as she cocked her head. “Don’t you think I want a say?”

“I ain’t never gonna get used to this independent woman shit.” Harry laughed as Hermione gave him a glare.

“Excuse me, did I just hear you right? I know I didn’t!”

Your mate is angry with you.

Damn it Rupert.

“What did you just tell the snake?” Hermione yelped as she grabbed Harry’s robe, detaining Harry from leaving with the other students.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t you nothing me, I want to know!”

“It’s like they are all ready married.” Neville smirked as he watched his friend flounder with Hermione.



Dumbledore watched on with mixed feelings from his seat in the Great hall. He could see Hermione chastising Harry for something, and he wished dreadfully he could hear what they spoke of, but the romantic in him forced him to simply watch on.

“Minerva?” He finally spoke, as he noticed from the corner of his eye that she was preparing to depart. “Do you think, that every thing will be all right?”

“With Potter and Granger?” The Deputy Headmistress inquired as she halted her fidgeting and leaned closer to Dumbledore. “What do you think?”

“Part of me wonders if I have failed our young Ms. Granger.” Dumbledore sighed, his age growing visibly upon his body. “Then, I see them, as they are now.” He smiled softly as he gestured with one hand to where Hermione was leading Harry out of the room by the hand, both of them having obviously resolved their current issue of descent.

“You wonder if Ms. Granger will be as life style altering for Harry, as he was for her?” Minerva spoke, her tone even and un-betraying of any accusation.

“Do you not think this may settle Master Potter down?” Dumbledore continued, having pivoted in his seat to view Minerva easier, one leg draped over the other.

“I do not.”

“Why is that?”

“I believe, in this instance, abortion is the answer. Harry is a boy…” Minerva began, but was silenced as Dumbledore raised a hand.

“I do not believe what you are saying for an instance. Have you not listened to me when I spoke of the boy? How could you say abortion is the answer?”

“He is no better than the boy my daughter wrapped her self up in. We both know how that turned out.” McGonagall scowled as her lips pursed. “Both of them are thugs, and while Harry may be muggle raised, and the… person who ruined my daughter wizard from the core, they are both no different then each other. I regret ever nominating Hermione to help Harry, I blame my self.”

Dumbledore simply sighed, unsure of how to explain himself. “They are in love, can’t you see that?”

“Perhaps Hermione Granger is in love. I do not believe that boy, Potter, could even feel love. Lily may have died for the boy, but when he was lost, so was every thing she stood for.”

“That is a terrible thing to say.” Dumbledore admonished as he stared wide-eyed at the head of Gryffindor house. “A horrid thing to say something like that. Harry was saved by love once before, I fully believe he can be saved by love again.”

“He has ruined the life of the most intelligent witch I have ever seen in Hogwarts since I began teaching. He destroys Albus. He destroys lives, he hurts people, and we both know he has been linked to enough murders. He is a bloody human incubi, the sick seducer.” Her voice cracking as she shook in her chair, her rage flaring as she continued to discuss the boy.

“Harry paid for Hermione’s classes. She would not be here with out him.” Dumbledore admitted, feeling a personal affront and need to represent Harry in a better light.

“Obviously because he wished to impress her with his ill gained money.” McGonagall growled as she absentmindedly scratched at the table with a fingernail.

“Harry ordered me not to speak of it to her, it is strictly I, his, and now your secret.” Dumbledore replied smugly. “Harry was concerned for her ability to finish school, and I do not believe there will be a problem with her finishing her education.”

For once, Minerva was unable to reply to the revelations that Dumbledore sprung on her; she could only allow herself to be angry.

“Harry has a good heart, and wonderful taste in automobiles.” Dumbledore smiled serenely, noticing with silent glee as he ground upon Minerva. “I believe this child they will bring into the world, will usher many changes, and much happiness for all parties involved. Harry will be there for her. As I have heard him say before, he is… How do I say? An original gangster who is down for his bitch.”

“I hate how he speaks, bitch is disrespectful and degrading. He is inhuman, subhuman.” Minerva shook with fury.

“I agree, his speech grounds on my nerves.” The drawling voice of Severus Snape echoed from Dumbledore’s opposite side.

“Where did you come from?” Dumbledore and Minerva spoke in unison as they both pivoted to look at Snape.

“Been here the entire time.” Snape explained dismissively. “I agree with Dumbledore, and I agree with Minerva.” He continued. “This child of theirs will usher in an entirely knew life style for the both of them, but I do have my concessions about Harry Potter’s ability to… handle a family.”

“How so Severus?” Dumbledore pressed, as he watched with abject fascination of the potion masters observations.

“Harry Potter is… a pimp. You can put the family in the pimp, but you can’t take the pimp out of the man.” Snape spoke slowly. “I think that is the best way I can explain it. As both of you have noticed, pimping for Harry is not a job, it is a way of life.”

“See!” Minerva cheered slightly. “Severus supports me.”

“Acctually, no, I don’t.” Snape laughed. “I am fascinated by what is to come, and will watch avidly as Harry Potter and Hermione Granger struggle with the problem they have brought upon them selves. I still receive the willies every time I think of Harry… planting his seed within our prefect. Bleh.” As though to emphasize his point, Snape took that moment to shake as though chills were dancing upon his spine.

“She will have no sympathy from me. I will continue to be her Head of House, but neither of them will receive special treatment from me.” McGonagall spat before rising from her seat. “Good Night Albus, as to you Severus.”

“Good night.” Dumbledore and Snape spoke in unison before turning to each other.

“I was writing a rap song. Would you like to hear it?” Dumbledore smiled at Snape.

“Good night Sir.” Snape replied as he stood, an incredulous look on his face.

“Is that a no…? I guess it is a no.” Dumbledore sighed sadly before standing. “I guess I will have to surprise every one with a phat free style some day.”