The Phantom of Idiocy

The following morning finds Severus Snape sitting in his favourite armchair chugging a bottle of firewhiskey before class. Maybe it’s just the whiskey talking, again, but I shouldn’t have been so cruel to Miss Granger…although she is a girl…NO! She’s a woman! Her gorgeous singing voice illuminates the goodness in her soul and the fully matured woman that she’s become…

Placing the empty bottle down, Snape suddenly stands up. He begins to pace back and forth in his study. I must find a way to confess my love to this girl-woman…but how? I must find a way to do it without Dumbledore notcing…

Snape’s thoughts are interrupted by the chiming of the clock, signaling the start of class. Fuck, I’m going to teach another class brazenly drunk…Oh well, they’re just first years.

*********************

Hermione Granger was very confused indeed. I really need a girlfriend to talk this whole thing out with… But who?

Just then, Ginny Weasley, with her fiery red hair, skips by. \"Ginny! Oh Ginny!\" Hermione calls after her desperately, \"Come join me in my head girl room…I really need to talk to you.\"

\"Sure ‘Mione, that’s what friends are for!\" Ginny says perkily. Hermione shudders at the use of that hideous nickname. How was it that her friends managed to shorten a name that has absolutely no logical nickname to it whatsoever?

They enter her room and Hermione seals and wards the door. She begins to voice what has been on her mind. \"I’ve heard…through the grapevine…that you have a lot of experience with men.\"

\"Through the grapevine?\" Ginny says, \"You mean when you walked in on me with Dean, Seamus, Harry, Lee Jordan, Angelina, Katie, Lavender, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Colin Creevey, Neville, Cedric, George…\"

\"Yes, well,\" Hermione interrupts, \"That aside…I need you to give me some guy related advice.\"

\"Ooh! Guy advice? Hermy, who’s the lucky man?\"

Hermione clears her throat awkwardly. \"Well, erm, err…Did you happen to hear from Harry about the weird potions class the other day? The love potion?\"

\"No, I don’t believe that was gossiped about in any way…\"

\"Oh well, you see…I was left alone with Snape in his classroom after he dumped a cauldron of love potion on himself…and he…erm…well…um..er…I…uh…derrrrrrrrrrrr.\"

\"Spit it out!\" Ginny wails, totally exasperated.

\"He pulled me into a passionate kiss! And I kissed him back! And it was the most passionate thing I’ve ever experienced in my life… and I love him!\" Hermione wails and bursts into tears.

Ginny, surprised to say the least, hesitantly responds with, \"You fucking slut! Even I wouldn’t stoop that low! And I kissed my own brother!\"

\"But Ginny, you don’t understand, beneath the billowing robes of mystery lies the heart of a sex god just waiting to burst free of the oppressive shackles of society!\"

Ginny nods her head, suddenly understanding. \"I see where you’re coming from…\"

\"So we’re still friends?\" Hermione asks tentatively.

\"We never were…I’m just here to humor you and to further the plot of this story,\" Ginny responds.

\"What story?\"

\"Oh nothing,\" Ginny looks around nervously as she scuffles out of the room and is mysteriously struck by lightning for her insolence.

******************

Dumbledore is in his study, thinking about nothing in particular, when a light knock sounds on his door. \"Come in,\" he says cheerfully.

Minerva McGonagal peers her head around the door. \"Albus, fancy a spot of tea?\" She asks as she hauls in an elaborate pure gold tray of teas, cakes, and cookies.

The headmaster smiles. \"Got any lemon drops on that tray?\"

\"No,\" she says desperately and looks as if she’s about to burst into tears.

\"Oh,\" Dumbledore says, looking extremely put out, \"I suppose I could still have tea with you…I suppose…\"

Beaming, McGonagal scuttles into the room. She takes a seat dangerously close to where the headmaster himself is sitting. \"So Albus, how’s life?\"

\"Oh you know, can’t complain…Severus is trying to rape a student as always. And I’m just going along as normal…completely sex deprived…but content.\"

\"Are you so sure? I brought a little gift for you,\" McGonagal says, wheeling the Mirror of Erised into the room.

\"Where did you get that? I had it hidden under my bed…\"

\"Well I spend a lot of time there,\" she says and then quickly corrects herself with, \"I mean…I simply said ‘accio mirror’ and it appeared. Anyway, look into the mirror and tell me what you see.\"

Dumbledore sighs in annoyance, but does it anyway. He chuckles as he sees the image of Harry making sweet love to him in the mirror. \"Well, well, well…perhaps I wasn’t correct when I stated that my sex deprived state was making me content.\"

McGonagal is overexcited by this and runs to his side. She pounces him and pins him down on the ground. \"I can help you with that!\" she cries, passion burning her eyes out.

\"Erm…sorry Minerva, but…I have my thoughts placed elsewhere.\"

\"Elsewhere? It’s not that slut Madam Hooch? Sprout? Trelawney? Please don’t tell me it’s Trelawney.\"

\"No…it’s a young Gryffindor…who’s bright, intelligent, kind hearted, and everything that a man like me could ever want.\"

McGonagal gasps in shock. Hermione that awful slut! \"HISSSSSSSSS,\" she mutters as she sprints out of the room. There is a twinkle in Dumbledore’s eye as he lies on the ground and further contemplates his beloved young Gryffindor boy.