Missed Me

Right, so sorry to leave everyone in suspense so long. This chapter was a mite harder to write, plus it\'s awfully long. Just for everyone\'s information, because of so much inner dialog in this chapter, all song lyrics are in bold. Anywho, hope everyone enjoys the chapter!

Props to my beta and sounding board: Kat

Props to all the folks that keep coming back and reviewing

Legal Schtuff:
All characters belong to J.K. Rowling
“Half Jack” belongs to The Dresden Dolls

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“Curse the chicken pox and the students who dared to bring it here,” Severus muttered under his breath while grading papers on a quiet Friday night. Though he had to admit he had enjoyed the break from the dunderheads that he was forced to teach, Flitwick didn’t have the class quite where he felt they should be by this point. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he gave yet another paper a dismal grade. That’s it, I’m done grading sub-par work. Severus put the pile of scrolls yet to be graded into a neat pile, and pulled out the collection of scrolls that served as a planner for his lesson plans. Muttering the incantation that brought up the lesson plans from several weeks ago, he began to skim the scroll till the week that he had been forced to leave. Remembering from what little notes Flitwick had taken of the classes’ work and what they had been up to, he could see this was exactly where his classes had veered right off the plan. Some changes are going to have to be made, he thought grimacing at the dunderheads’ performance during the week. Pulling out another seemingly blank scroll, he waved his wand with a swish and a flick and the plans for next week appeared. Putting all the scrolls together side by side, he began to make a plan to get his classes back on track. The sound of his quill quickly scratching across a new scroll filled the room before his eyebrows came together as he made one last note. Pursing his lips, he tried to remember where he had left the textbook on herbs that could be used for healing. He didn’t use it very often, but he could see that since Flitwick hadn’t talked about the properties found in Comfrey, Anise, or Bay Laurel, that he would need the book for next week. He scanned the small bookcase that he kept in his office before going into his personal chambers to search for it. As he searched the bookcase, he had a small moment of fear, oh no, don’t tell me I left it there. Scanning the shelve again, he realized he had indeed left it behind. Maybe I misplaced it on another shelf, he thought before quickly pushing the thought aside. His bookshelves were organized with the utmost precision. There was no way the book was somewhere else.

\"Best to get this over with,\" he muttered as he put on a cloak, exited his office, and as soon as he finished putting his wards up, he walked out of Hogwarts so he could Apparate back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.

Smoothing his robes down, Snape lifted his hand to knock on the door hoping that it wouldn’t be Hermione who answered. He had dreams had been filled by the bushy-haired know-it-all this past week, and while he felt that their parting had been in her best interests, he was still regretting leaving her. Looking into her despondent eyes as he kissed her goodbye had almost done him in. Hello, I’m good for nothing - will you love me just the same, the last line of the song had called out to him on some level that he hadn’t even known existed. It seemed like something he himself would utter, not Hermione. She was brilliant, compassionate, attractive, brave, and, guessing from their banter, her sense of humour was somewhere near his own. She was everything he would want in a partner, if he was looking for one at least. It was he that was lacking, not her. Might as well stop dilly-dallying thinking about what could have been, and get this over with. Almost in answer to his thoughts, the door opened and Snape was greeted by a dark haired, bespectacled face. “Professor Snape?” It was obvious that Potter was surprised to see him, but there was none of the usual rancor between them these days. True, the pair were not, nor would they ever be fast friends, but it seemed with Voldemort’s demise, a sort of truce arose between them.

“Good evening Potter. I’m sorry to be calling on you this late in the evening, but could I come in for a moment?”

“Um, sure,” Harry agreed, stepping back awkwardly to let Severus in. “Actually it’s not that late, Professor, we just weren’t expecting any company. Is something wrong at Hogwarts?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I found that I am missing a textbook that I need for next week’s lessons. Would you mind if I look in the room that I occupied the last few weeks?”

“No, not at all. You might also want to look in the study, there’s a ton of books that Hermione has in there.” Running his hand through his still messy hair, he added quietly, “though, you might want to send Ron or me in there, she’s been acting a little funny lately.”

“Funny?” Severus asked, somewhat concerned.

“Yeah. I mean, she has always been keen on studying, but it’s like she’s trying to run away from whatever is bothering her through schoolwork. Ron and I have tried talking to her, but she won’t say anything except to threaten to hex our bits off if we don’t go away and leave her alone.”

“Maybe she just has a pressing project,” Severus offered, feeling a bit of guilt creeping upon him.

“It’s possible, I guess. Still, just so you leave unscathed, why don’t you check the guest room and I’ll deal with the study.”

“Very well then.” The pair walked up the stairs, with Snape continuing on as Harry turned into the study which seemed to be playing some sort of music. Stepping into what had been his rooms, Snape noticed that things seemed unchanged. The candles that had been there that night were still there, the wicks blackened from burning but now unlit. He looked towards the bed where he smiled fondly as he recalled that night with Hermione, though his smile dissolved as he remembered her tearfully running from the room the next morning. “What’s done is done,” he stately firmly to himself. Looking around the room, he could quickly see that the book was not there. Walking down the stairs he turned into the study to find Harry. “It seems Hermione is either in the loo or walked out for a moment. I’m not sure where your book could be in all of this,” he said, motioning to the table piled high with books except for a small space that was covered with scrolls, along with a quill and a bottle of ink. Hermione’s black music box stood on the table that had held the decanter of firewhisky; it was once again playing the piano and drums duo, though at a much more lower volume.

“Do you know where she got that infernal box, not to mention whatever that music is? And I’m using the term \'music\' loosely.”

“Oh, that’s a Muggle CD player,” Harry explained with a chuckle. “Some of their music comes on these little round discs and once you load one into that thing, it’ll play it for you.”

“Humph. I’m surprised it can play in this place, with so much magic.”

“You know ‘Mione, once she sets her mind on something, there’s no stopping her from getting what she wants.”

“Too true, Potter, too true.”

“Getting back to the other part of your question, I think the band playing is called...is called, hold on, she told me once what their name was.” Harry thought for a second. “Oh yes, the Dresden Dolls. I guess it’s some Muggle band that another Muggleborn she’s friends with from one of her Uni classes suggested to her,” he finished with a shrug of his shoulders. “Anyway, she should be back soon; do you want me to stay or -”

“-I am perfectly able to talk to Miss Granger on my own, Potter. But thank you for the offer.”

“All right. If I don’t see you on your way out, have a nice night Professor.”

“You too, Potter.”

~~~~~

Harry walked out of the study and back down to his and Ron’s rooms. “Who was at the door?” inquired a sleepy Ron.

“Oh, just Snape. Something about accidentally leaving a book here, and needing it,” Harry answered as he finished getting ready for bed.

“You think he’ll be okay on his own with ‘Mione?”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine. He might even find the book in one of the piles on the table before she gets back,” Harry said as he snuggled into the blankets and Ron’s side. “Goodnight,” Harry whispered as the candles flickered out before he kissed Ron goodnight.

“Goodnight.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile Severus was pacing the study trying to figure out whether or not he should begin looking or wait for Hermione. There must be some sort of logic to the way those books are stacked and I’d hate to mess up her system, he thought, thinking back to the few times someone else had done the same thing to him and how upset it had made him. A heavy hitting of a low piano key broke his thoughts. Figures she’d still be listening to them, he thought, sitting down into one of the leather chairs. I guess I’ll just wait till she gets back. The low notes seemed to mingle with a ringing cymbal before tampering off slightly to be met with that now familiar voice.

Half underwater
I’m half my mother\'s daughter
A fraction\'s left up to dispute
The whole collection
Half off the price they\'re asking
In the halfway house of ill repute

The song seemed almost urgent in a way, as if the singer was trying to exorcize old demons. Just what I need to match my mood. The slight mention of family had Severus thinking back to his own. Some nights he missed his mother, she had always been a kind soul. The light that seemed to banish the bad dreams he had as a child.

Half accidental
Half painful instrumental
I have a lot to think about
You think they\'re joking?
You have to go provoke him...
I guess it\'s high time you found out

Provoke him? Just being in the same room was enough for him, Severus thought with a touch of anger. His mother had always assured him that at some point, his father had been a warm and giving man, but Severus never saw that particular face. No, the father he remembered was cruel and taunting, full of remarks about Severus’ failings. Harsh hands that gave gifts, only to take them back at some imaginary infraction. He would admit that the memories he had of his father were where he was also drunk, but it still didn’t seem to excuse all of his actions either.

It\'s half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
You\'ll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
I\'m half Jill
And half Jack

I am not my father, he thought angrily

Aren’t you? What about what you did to Hermione? That was an action that your father really could have been proud of, a dark voice in his head whispered.

It was for her own good.

Right. Sending her out of the room crying really did wonders for her, the voice sneered.

It was. I’m too old, too bitter, too damaged.

Don’t forget too afraid to take the chance that she might see who you really are and run away.

Aren’t you just the helpful one, Severus thought wryly.

I try.

And when I let him in, I feel the stitches getting sicker
I try to wash him out but like they say: the blood is thicker
I see my mother in my face
But only when I travel
I run as fast as I can run
But Jack comes tumbling after...

Standing, moving towards the window to look out into the dark night, he saw the reflection of his face in the window. As he studied himself, he could see his mother’s eyes looking back at him, as he also noticed that his father’s nose and chin occupied his face as well. He ran a hand through the hair that both he and his mother shared. What would Mum have thought of Hermione? She would have liked her, he answered himself. He smiled faintly as he thought about the handful of characteristics that they shared.

And when I’m brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
And I’m so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
On 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
I’m half Jill
And half Jack

She wouldn’t have liked the way you treated her, the voice whispered.

No, she wouldn’t have, he agreed.

And you were right, you’re not your father.

Thank you.

Though you were wrong about Hermione. You know she doesn’t give a Galleon\'s worth about your age, or your temperament. Do you honestly think she would have spent that night with you if she did?

She could have done that out of pity.

You were there, the voice admonished. That was certainly not done out of pity. If it was pity, she could have just blown you and left, and you know it.

I’m halfway home now
Half hoping
For a showdown
Cause I’m not big enough to house this crowd
It might destroy me
But I’d sacrifice my body
If it meant I’d get the Jack part OUT

See...Jack..Run...Jack...See...Jack...Run...Jack...Run...

The voice continued its lecture as the notes began to a crashing end. You should have given her a chance. It wasn’t fair treating her like some immature child.

I know. It’s just, I was..., Severus trailed off, not wanting to use the word.

Scared, I know. But you stood up to your father, didn’t you?

Yes.

And Voldemort? Being a spy for the Order was extremely dangerous.

It was the least I could do for the years I was a Death Eater before coming to Dumbledore.

Still, you’re not your father, and Hermione isn’t either. She’s not going to run away from you, nor is she going to laugh in your face when you admit your feelings to her. Give the girl a bit of credit, for Merlin’s sake.

Severus had to chuckle slightly as the voice’s scolding seemed to remind him of his mother. She might not want to have anything to do with me anymore, after what I did.

Yes, but she also might still want to try and have a relationship with you. Don’t you think she’s worth the risk?

Severus nodded. Yes, she is.

Hearing the door open, Severus turned around and found a rather unkempt-looking Hermione staring back at him.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him rather crossly.

Taking in the circles under her eyes, how pale she looked, and the way her hair stuck out in bizarre angles as it tried to escape from the pins she had pushed into it to tame it, he said only two words as he crossed the room to her.

“I’m sorry.”

\"What?\" Hermione looked at him as if she wasn\'t quite sure she had heard him right.

\"I said I\'m sorry, about everything.\" He paused, dragging a hand through his hair. \"I should have told you that morning how I felt about you, instead of letting you run out thinking the worst. I shouldn\'t have left with so many things left unsaid,\" he finished in a rush.

Hermione looked up at Severus and noticed the almost desperate look in his eyes, and felt a glimmer of hope light up in her, coupled with the urge to make him feel the same desperate helpless feeling she had felt that night he had left. Crossing her arms over her chest, she leveled a look at him. \"So, do you expect me to just jump and down out of happiness? That I\'m going to say that everything is now magically all better and we can live happily ever after?\"

Severus swallowed the biting comment that had almost sprung out in his defense. She was, after all, right. What do I expect? The voice answered him: a chance.

\"I don\'t expect everything to be forgiven, I know you can\'t forgive me overnight for how I hurt you. But I expect a chance. A chance to make up for what I did wrong, to admit to the feelings that I have.\"

\"And just what are you dying to admit to, Severus?\" Hermione asked, her voice laced with sarcasm.

Taking a deep breath as he moved closer, he hesitantly moved an unruly lock of hair off her eyes. Growing braver, he cupped her face in his hands, looked in her eyes and answered, \"that I love you.\" And with that admission, he kissed her, deepening the kiss as he felt her arms snake around his waist.

As they parted for air, Hermione mumbled, \"It\'s about bloody time you told me that, you prat,\" before Severus silenced her again with another deep kiss.