The Secret Diary of Severus Snape

A/N: Thank my betas, Roolark and Fara/Kyryn for without them you\'d all be going: \"Huh?\" All mistakes are mine.
A/N: There have been edits in previous installments to deal with new canon information we got about Lucius from OotP. If you\'d rather not read back to my silly explanation then I\'ll just tell you that I believe that that 41 next to Lucius\' name in that Prophet article was a typo. Lucius is two years older than Sev, that\'s my story and I\'m sticking to it.

Entries 50-58

27/1/1976
James fucking Potter currently has a very interesting looking nose, courtesy of yours truly. I meant to have it disappear completely but instead it sort of split down the middle.

That\'s the good news. The bad news is that Sirius fucking Black bashed me against the wall repeatedly, to get me to lift the curse. Lupin stopped him; he had spotted someone coming. It\'s a hallway. There\'s always someone coming. And as my luck had it, it was that old crone, Vablatsky.

She wouldn\'t let me tell her who had hit me, determined to find it using her gift.

\"Sirius Black,\" I was trying to say, pressing a handkerchief on my bleeding nose. No more than pathetic gurgles were coming out, unrecognisable even to my own ears.

\"A tall boy with dark hair... oh, he is familiar but I can\'t place him,\" she was saying, pinching on the bridge of her nose, her face scrunched up in concentration.

\"Sirius Black,\" I tried again.

I heard a voice behind me: \"Perhaps someone should take Snape to the Infirmary before he passes out, Professor Vablatsky.\" It was a Ravenclaw Prefect, I forget his name... Underhay? Something like that. He escorted me there.

\"But where do I know that boy?\" Vablatsky was murmuring behind me. Some gift.

I tried to shake off the Ravenclaw\'s arm but he held on to me tightly.

He snorted. \"Walking arm in arm with you is not particularly pleasant for me either but you obviously can\'t see where you\'re going, Snape.\"

He had a point. I had a cut on my forehead. I couldn\'t feel any pain, not with the way my nose hurt but blood kept dripping into my eyes, making me see everything behind a red film. I didn\'t much care for the Ravenclaw\'s tone. Buying Pepper-Up from me last year when he was studying for his OWL\'s had been fine but he didn\'t want to be seen with me now. I wanted to make that wry observation but I really did need his help to get to the Infirmary and there was not a willing Slytherin in sight. Not to mention that it doesn\'t do to talk to my clients in the light of day about our little transactions. Discretion is important.

Underhay... I\'m almost certain that is his name, left me to Madam Pomfrey\'s capable hands. I told her it was Sirius Black, she told me it was up to a Professor to do something about it, not her. The usual fare.

28/1/1976
I should make up with Evan and the others. No one in my dormitory speaking to me is bloody stupid. I was itching to tell them why Potter wasn\'t in class today. Hexing the bastard just do't f't feel as good when I can\'t share it.

Lupin was particularly cold with me in Defence. Good to know I made some impression. Even Slinkhard noticed.

\"What happened to my usually friendly Gryffindor/Slytherin pair?\" was his comment.

Friendly? What the fuck?

30/1/1976
It\'s driving me crazy, Lucius\' eyes, everywhere I go, everything I do. Yet he won\'t come to me. And I can\'t go to him. I tried to talk to him today at breakfast and he pretended I wasn\'t there. He was with Stefan Delacour and Rabastan Lestrange and other boys in his year. I looked ever the awkward fifth year, daring to go to his end of the table and try tlk tlk to him.

What have I done to him? I\'m sick of this. He has no right to treat me like this.

31/1/1976
I made some progress with my dorm mates. Evan is still distant and it hurts. I haven\'t been seeing much of Lestrange but Avery told me he hasn\'t either and they\'rppospposed to be best friends.

Avery made the first step. It could be that he was absolutely desperate since there is no way he\'ll manage to turn in his Potions essay within the deadline, not the way Quidditch practice is going. He showed me his schedule. I don\'t understand, don\'t other teams get the field at all?

I took on all of his homework for this week.

3/2/1976
It\'s good to have a friend even though I had to bribe him. I\'m even seeing more of Evan with Avery as a buffer between us. Still very little sign of Lestrange. Roger suspects that he has a girlfriend. Perhaps that pretty Ravenclaw succumbed to his charms after all? Or is it someone else? It looks like one of the two is ashamed of the affair, no one seems to know. Not even Julie Parkinson and I didn\'t think that was possible.

6/2/1976
Homework! Tons of homework! And that bastard Jigger insisted I attend Quidditch practice. Yet another place for Lucius to ignore me. Perhaps it is for the best. I don\'t have time to see him, anyway. I don\'t even miss the sex. I fell asleep as I was wanking yesterday.

8/2/1976
I can\'t take this. All the promises I make to myself amount to nothing the moment he beckons me close. Like a dog, not kng wng whether I\'ll receive a kick or a pat on the head but not even considering not going to my master. \"I want you\" he\'d said a few days ago. Is he fighting the attraction, then? Eventually gives in, gets a taste and pushes me away again? Why do I let him? Why am I so pathe

In other words, I let him fuck me in the showers after Quidditch practice.

14/2/1976
Whoever thought up this \"holiday\" should be flayed alive. One more person coming up to me and going \"Oh, making Love Potions, Severus?\" Get it? Love potions! Hee! Hee!,\" and they\'ll discover I\'m celebrating Violentines Day today.

Lucius seems to have been caught in the spirit.

\"You wouldn\'t mind if Snape partnered with me, would you Professor?\" Jigger had no objections, staring at him and then at me with something akin to fear in his expression. No one can say no to Lucius, it appears that I\'m not the only one.

Goyle seemed to appreciate getting Lucius\' partner. The girl was not at all pleased.

The lesson was a slow torture. Lucius\' body was touching mine at all times, shooting my concentration straight to hell. I was trying to squirm away from his hands which kept landing between my legs, stroking me over my robes. I was achingly hard.

Jigger kept close watch on us, at some point getting so distracted his voice trailed off mid-sentence. He turned to face the blackboard, wiping away the traces of some previous instructions, his hand trembling slightly as he picked up his wand.

I hissed at Lucius to stop and scribbled furiously \"JIGGER SAW YOU\" on my parchment.

Lucius gave a snort but did take his hands off me for most of the remainder of the lesson.

Afterwards we had to go our separate ways. Lucius grabbed on my arm and made for the nearest bathroom. I planted my feet firmly on the floor.

\"Well, on. on. A quick one. To celebrate the day.\"

\"No.\" It was not a very forceful \"no\" but a \"no\" nevertheless. My prick had a different idea, jumping in my pants, practically nodding its consent.

I told Lucius that if he had to see me, he should find some time for me tonight.

He let go of my arm. \"Fine,\" he said, narrowing his eyes at me. \"I had other plans but no matter. Come by my room tonight.\"

Other plans? Oh, that\'s great to know... Nevermind. It worked! I put my foot down and it worked! Still I wonder

No clue what I meant to say there. Lestrange just made his appearance. He jumped on top of me, trying to see what I\'m writing. He\'s in an exceptionally good mood. I fought under him, trying to stop him and quickly spelt the diary blank.

I liked this mock fighting with him, this affection. Even though it felt like it didn\'t have anything to do with me in particular, like he would have pounced on anyone he found in the room. I called him Rudy to get a rise out of him but it didn\'t bother him.

I liked the way he had me trapped under his weight. He was semi-hard against my backside and I teased him a little to see what would happen. He just laughed and climbed off me.

I\'ve got a bit of a stiffy now. I\'ll save it until I see Lucius.

15/2/1976
I thought that if I didn\'t write about it I could pretend it never happened. It hasn\'t worked so far.

It would have been easier if I could say I didn\'t enjoy the sex. If I could say that I definitely wouldn\'t do it again.

I went to Lucius, thinking I had won... something. Some respect. Imagine that?

He was waiting for me naked. No need to waste time disrobing, I suppose. I liked that. With quickies between classes you can\'t have that. Naked skin, naked prick in his hand, pink head exposed and leaking.

He should have had a mirror opposite him. I\'m sure the sight of himself wanking is enough to get Lucius off. His ef on on me was the usual. Dry mouth, sweaty palms and prick doing its best to get out of my pants on its own.

\"What are you waiting for?\"

I had been wondering about that myself. I undressed swiftly, gripped by a sudden urgency that made me regret the few seconds it took me to neatly fold my clothes and leave them on the chair next to Lucius\'.
.

I approached him, staring at his hand moving slowly up and down on his prick. I licked my lips, purposely exaggerating the action.

I though he\'d laugh but instead he reached his hand at me, crooking a finger in invitation. There was a gasp of surprise as I leaned and captured the digit in my mouth. I tasted the precome that had leaked on it as he was wanking, making this illusion of fellatio much more believable. I knew sucking on someone\'s finger is erotic, I\'d seen what it had done to Evan a while back and I had been aching to try it on Lucius for a while. Only he\'d usually shove his prick in my mouth or his tongue up my arsehole, leaving exploration of less obvious erogenous zones for later.

Oh, he liked it. He gently pulled his index finger out and pressed his thumb on my lips. He then leaned as well, meeting me halfway and all of a sudden I had both his thumb and his tongue in my mouth and that was oddly nice too, as though he was opening me up to kiss me more thoroughly. His tongue retreated as I nipped on the pad of his thumb. He gave out a soft moan that had me thrusting into thin air, prick leaking against my belly, desperate for some action.

He pulled his wet thumb out with a small pop that threatened to ruin the mood.

He told me that he could just do this forever, have me lick every finger and toe (and I remember thinking he\'d better forget about the toes) but he had to fuck me \"right now\"!

I could almost laugh about it. Almost.

He pulled me to him. I dropped rather gracelessly on the bed as my knees met the edge. I didn\'t mind. My head was on Lucius\' lap. He tried to pull me further up but my mouth was inches away from his prick and liked it that way. I swallowed him in one go, briefly panicking as my gag reflex tried to do its job. I overcame it, eventually, faced with no other choice since Lucius\' hands on my head seemed to weigh a ton.

I had a plan, you see. I meant to be the one doing the fucking that night.
t ont one of the plan was going well. I was swallowing convulsively around the crown, feeling that he wasn\'t likely to last long. Part two was failing. He had reached and stuck three, perhaps four fingers up my arse and I was fucking myself on them, my prick rubbing deliciously on his legs. Bastard knew what he was doing and any hope of fucking him on that round was lost. He came first, almost choking me. I focussed on breathing for a while. He shoved his fingers inside me harder as he reached to grab my prick. He yanked hard, so hard that what I felt on both ends was closer to pain that anything else. But I was too far gone not to come and I did, rather spectacularly, crouched over his body as though I was climbing him. I did get a little of my own back with a vicious bite right over his left hipbone.

A little something for that fucking prick to remember me by. He\'ll be carrying it for a while. It\'s the last one he\'s getting from me.

I hadn\'t been thinking all that then, of course. Oh, no, I was hanging from Lucius\' every word, it seemed his speech faculties had returned and he was praising my mouth because \"this was so good. You were killing me there, etc\" I was just lying in his arms, exhausted and quite proud of myself. And then he switched to French... that was certainly strange. I had to think hard to understand him. \"Putain, Stefan, Il m\'a fait une pipe comme on m\'a jamais fait.\" (as in, \"Fuck, Stefan, that was the best blowjob I\'ve ever had\") He was looking past me. I turned to follow his gaze, my stomach clenching in fear. I knew what I would see.

We had an audience, Stefan Delacour, fully dressed and staring at us with polite interest.

\"Do you mind!\" I yelled, horrified, trying to grab a sheet. Realising, however, that Lucius hadn\'t minded. No, Lucius had just told his friend how good I am with my mouth.

Stefan approached. \"Oh, look, he iz ashamed. Don\'t be so shy, leettle boy.\" I was frozen. Lucius\' arms no longer felt very comfortable.

We\'d had sex in front of others before in a way. In my dormitory, curtains not hiding much, in his dormitory, in front of the whole school at breakfast but not this! Stefan had obviously been invited.

\"You\'re too good not to share,\" Lucius told me, brushing a stray lock out of my eyes.

I was not in a mood to appreciate the compliment.

Stefan took another step towards us, his delicate features cng ing in distaste as his eyes fell on me.

\"He\'s such an ugly boy, Lucius,\" he said in French. \"I don\'t understand why you bother with him.\"

\"Qu\'il est moche...\" the French have a much more efficient word for ugly, I must say.

Lucius gave out a small laugh. \"You don\'t have to face him.\"

I wanted to persuade my mind not to understand, not to translate the hurtful words... what had I expected? Lucius wouldn\'t even acknowledge me in public, how likely was he to defend his taste?


As I write this, I\'m tempted to lie to myself. Perhaps later in life I could look back and believe my lies, believe that I called them both a few choice names at that point, grabbed my clothes and left. Or that I hexed them. That I did anything rather than just sit there between them, still in Lucius\' arms, which tightened so much that I wasn\'t sure I could go if I wanted.

\"I do speak French, you know.\" I was trying to sound sarcastic but managed only hurt.

They both laughed at me. I should blame my father for this as well. \"Learn French, Severus, most eighteenth century bibliography is French and only lesser wizards read it in translation.\" Far be it for me to be a lesser wizard.

Well, father, I know my French and my Latin, my Dark Arts and my Potions. Add bloody amazing blowjobs and lifting my robes to anyone who will ask nicely, to that. So much to be proud of, wouldn\'t you say?

I just lay there as Stefan came forward and kissed Lucius on the mouth over me. I felt the soft material of Stefan\'s robes on my bare back.

It was almost as though Lucius were kissing a mirror, a rather flattering mirror with softer features, darker eyes and blonder hair. And I\'ll admit that I felt a flutter in my stomach at the sight.

Stefan\'s warm hand fell on the small of my back, then moved lower, acknowledging me with a pinch. He leaned closer, pressing against me. At the feel of Stefan\'s arousal my body decided to inform me that it would very much appreciate a fucking, whatever the source.

\"He likes it. Iz he a good feck, ze leettle boy?\"

Patronising frog bastard. He undressed using a spell. Hardly erotic, it looked like peeling off a banana. He wasn\'t as pale as Lucius and there were some hairs on his chest. His prick was large. Not monster large, like Lestrange\'s but larger than Lucius\'. He took a step forward. Lucius took him in hand and played with him a little, familiarly. A he he had done it before. As if he had touched that large organ and made it come - I didn\'t want to think about it, didn\'t want to think of my Lucius touching this frog bastard.

Lucius distracted me, quite well: he pulled Stefan closer, then with his free hand, he forced my unresisting head to one side so that he could feed that prick e. e.

I hadn\'t sucked anyone other than Lucius (unless a half successful attempt to suck myself at fourteen should count). There wasn\'t much of a difference, the same spots reacted the same way. Taking him in until he would reach the back of my throat was definitely not the same. He didn\'t have that much on Lucius in length and girth but it was enough.

I was very technical about it. \"Prick in my mouth, let\'s deal with it.\" But then I heard Lucius\' voice and opened my eyes. I could see him from the corner of my eye, staring at us. He had started to go hard again but he wasn\'t touching himself.

Stefan was murmuring words that none of my French tutors had seen fit to teach me. He pushed back from me before I could make him come.

He left me so confused... I didn\'t really want him there but the novelty of the situation, the thought of Lucius watching me with someone else had had me rubbing on every part of Lucius that I could find. His , ac, actually, the thin hair that covers it feeling strangely nice on me. I really couldn\'t decide whether I wanted to climb higher on Lucius\' body and try to have my way with him or whether I just wanted to open my legs wide and have one of them fuck me. Any one. Perhaps even both.

My mouth wasn\'t left idle for long. Lucius pushed me down on him and I sucked the rapidly firming up prick.

\"Fuck him,\" he said to Stefan in French (at least that\'s what I think he said. It might have been \"kiss him\" but I believe Lucius\' prick in my mouth rather precluded that possibility).

Caught up in the moment I must say that I was rather excited at the thought of getting filled up from both ends. However, a small voice did protest at the thought of Lucius just handing me to his friend like that.

Stefan\'s reply was \"I\'d rather fuck you.\"

And had my mouth not been full, I would have laughed at his presumption. Only I didn\'t know that the joke was on me.

\"Him. Then you can have me. I want to watch you.\"

I let Luc' pr' prick out of my mouth, looking up to him in confusion. That he could just offer me like that, he who could hex you for touching his broom! He rubbed on my lips coaxing me to open them again. On the other end, his French fucker was not very patient. He was complaining about me, still: \"Too thin. Too tight. How can you fuck him, you\'ll get bruises.\" He changed his tune as he pressed inside me slowly. Soon there were only s ans and the occasional curse.

Burning pain, humiliation. And Lucius\' eyes on us… Lucius stroking on his prick, still shiny with my spit. Stefan\'s fucking was brutal but it seems that Lucius has taught me to appreciate the finer points of that. I buried my face on Lucius\' stomach as I finally reached a hand to relieve the pressure. My poor prick, reacting to the pounding from behind, just wanted to come, not knowing friend from foe.

Stefan reached, covering my hand with his. I\'m not sure what he was whispering in my ear but his tone was soft, urging me. I think he was telling me to come. I did.

He pulled out harshly. I felt my legs give out completely and collapsed on the bed. My thighs felt unhinged.

\"Now you.\" he told Lucius.

Lucius pulled me higher on him, shoving his prick in my mouth, again. He opened his legs and let me watch someone else take what I\'ve wanted for so long. Not that he popped hherrherry, he was obviously no virgin.

I could see Stefan\'s prick slipping effortlessly in him, in my Lucius, my one true love who I had been planning to seduce and overwhelm and finally claim. It died then. Just then. All that I\'d been feeling for him, all my idiotic illusions turned bitter… even more bitter than his come in my mouth.

Stefan too was just finishing, straining and sweating and letting out pathetic little cries.

I wiped on my mouth with the back of my hand. My lips hurt, my jaw, my throat. My throat is still sore.

I think Lucius could see it all turning sour for me. \"Severus? What happened?\" I think I saw regret in his eyes. I pulled my robe on and ran out of there.

As my luck had it, Filch found me.

\"Lad?\" he whispered to me.

I was collapsed on the floor, a couple of doors away from my dormitory.

\?\" ?\" he whispered again and sniffed, making a face. Gods how I must have stank if even Filch noticed! I felt his hand on my shoulder.

\"Don\'t touch me!\" I yelled at him.

He hissed at me to keep my voice down. I didn\'t think Filch could look so scared.

So, I apologised to him and informed him among copious sobbing that I\'m a filthy little whore, that I put out and that if he wants a piece I\'ll see what I can do.

He just urged me to keep my voice down, eyes bulging with each new revelation until they looked like they werout out to pop. He gave me his handkerchief. I opted for my sleeves instead. The hankie looked clean but it did belong to Filch. He left me at the door to my dormitory and took off.

I had a shower. A very long shower. I scared the hell out of Avery who (ever the early riser) discovered me curled up in the cubicle. He covered me with a large towel, trying not to look at me much. He had coloured slightly. He said he\'d stay with me but he had to go to practice. So did I a couple of hours later but he told me not to go and he would excuse me.

I fell asleep. I slept well into the day. I hadn\'t thought it was possible but I was exhausted.

No m My My hand hurts. I thought I\'d feel better after writing what happened but I don\'t. To look at my diary it\'s always Lucius this, Lucius that. What about what I want? What about me? It\'s as though I don\'t exist. Well, fuck him! Fuck him with his broomstick! It\'s fucking over!