Book of Shadows

7

Harry has a favorite drawing above all other drawings in his book. Even the ones of Snape do not compare to the boy sitting in the window bathed in moonlight. The boy with fluffy blonde curls that frame his angled face. Harry saw a picture of Lucifer with blonde curls once and it made him ache to twist one around his finger. He thinks he might\'ve modeled the boy after Lucifer but his eyes are shaded darkly instead of a brilliant blue. The boy sits limply, peacefully against the stone sill. His perfect arms and fingers hang at his side and he\'s smiling sweetly up at the sky. Harry wanted it to look like the boy was in love with the moon. One slim leg hangs over the edge in the room and dangles. Across the boy\'s throat, is a gash. It spills no blood yet there are no stains on the boy\'s clothes to indicate if the flow ever stopped. Harry thinks it\'s the gorgeous moment before the blood comes, before the blood comes gasping to the surface. It\'s the one priceless second before the pain begins to itch and before he begins to die. In that moment, the boy is truly happy.

In the corner Harry wrote:

Slit my throat,
Watch me bleed,
I swear I\'ll do it,
prettily

That drawing is his favorite because he can pretend that he is the young boy that is so easily killed; pretend he is the boy suspended between life and death. He s hes he\'ll never do it, though. He knows he doesn\'t have the courage to bring the knife to his throat and slit so deeply. But he lies on his bed and fingers the curls and runs his hand over the gaping hole and he feels like he can taste the blood rushing across his lips and the silky curl around his finger. Comfort, he thinks, comes in the strangest form.

----

His eyelids are crusty when he opens them again. He rubs frantically to break the lock of mucus covering his eyelashes. His head is foggy and his vision is hazy even after he puts his glasses back on. His mouth feels like someone built a sandcastle inside of it. Crookshanks is gone. He groans and pushes himself up. His arm is throbbing dully against his side. He opens the curtains around his bed and squints at the clock on the wall. Eight forty-five. He has fifteen minutes to get to... what class does he have today?

He stumbles to the bathroom and washes quickly. He glances at his image in the mirror, blinks at the huge black circles around his eyes. His whole body feels heavy and his footsteps are uncoordinated. He trips over himself a few times as he dresses. He is careful with his arm and makes sure not to jar it against anything. It\'s going to be a terribly long day.

He mimes his way through Care of Magical Creatures and Divination finds him with a gleeful Trelawney who predicts that he\'s the victim of some horrible disease that slowly eats away at a person\'s brain. He has Defense Against the Dark Arts after lunch that he stares his way through. He skipped lunch as usual. He can\'t get anything to work right and he\'s getting more frustrated as the hours tick by. He thinks about going to the Infirmary for a Pepper-up Potion but he doubts it would do anything and how would he explain to Madam Pomfrey that he just happened to pass out for no reason? He puts his head in his hands and he almost cries because he\'s so frustrated.

As he\'s leaving for his next class, he runs to the bathroom and manages to throw up some of the bile in his stomach that\'s been making him queasy. He leans against the stall wall and feels minutely better but the feeling doesn\'t last as the taste of vomit refuses to leave no matter how many times he gargles. He makes it to Charms just in time for class. Flitwick gives him a look of concern and Harry manages a pained smile as he slides into his seat.

He goes back to his room once classes are finished. He crawls into his bed and let\'s the dead feeling consume him. His eyes feel like peeled grapes and he\'s having trouble keeping them open. He buries his head in his pillow and wills sleep to take him. A choked sob comes from the vicinity of his throat when he realizes that sleep isn\'t coming and he\'s been left to deal with this horrible feeling on his own. At least he\'s in the comfort of his bed and Crookshanks comes back to lie with him for awhile.

He\'s almost asleep when his stomach growls and jostles him awake again. He\'s not sure what\'s happened because when he looks at the clock, it reads midnight and the rest of the boys are asleep. Shaking away some of the cobwebs in his head, Harry straightens his clothes and stumbles down the stairs to the Common Room. The fire is still bright and he realizes that it\'s been awhile since he\'s sat and stared at it. He thinks he\'ll do that when he comes back from the kitchens if he doesn\'t die on the way. Crookshanks curls around his legs. He opens the portrait and Crookshanks jumps out with him. Apparently, Harry isn\'t going on this expedition on his own.

Perhaps he should\'ve taken his Invisibility cloak, he thinks as he sees the unmistakable shadow of someone else near the kitchens. Cautiously as his body allows, Harry gets closer and breathes a sigh of relief. It\'s only Snape. \"I see my assumption was correct. Why weren\'t you at dinner tonight?\"

Harry wants to bang his head against the wall except it seems to be hurting enough of it\'s own accord without the help of the wall. \"Because it\'s too loud in the Great Hall,\" he grumbles as he tickles the pear and the portrait swings open. He stumbles through and sits down at one of the tables with his head resting on his folded arms. The kitchen is still open and some of the elves are still bustling around. \"Dobby,\" he calls weakly.

The house-elf appears in front of him, ears quivering with joy. \"What can Dobby do for Harry Potter?\"

He smiles softly and cracks open an eye. \"I\'m hungry. Do you have any soup?\" Dobby nods wildly and disappears. Harry sighs as he feels the bench move. Snape is staring at him and there\'s something creasing through his face that Harry doesn\'t recognize but he thinks it might be concern. Maybe subdued glee, he\'s not sure which. Harry manages a stupid smile before Dobby comes back with a bowl and spoon. \"Thank you, Dobby,\" he whispers. Crookshanks jumps onto the table next to him and pushes the spoon towards Harry\'s hand. He chuckles. \"You\'re more human than cat, maybe.\"

\"Would Professor Snape like something?\" Dobby asks, his voice quivers.

\"No,\" Snape says and Dobby scurries away.

Harry picks up the spoon. It\'s cold and heavy in his hand as he manages to fill it with soup. Slowly, he brings it to his mouth and some of it makes the journey, the rest dribbles down his chin or splashes on the table. It\'s embarrassing since Snape is sitting next to him but he ignores the stare and eats steadily. Some of the grogginess starts to dissipate but he still feels like he\'s been run over and his arm is throbbing again. The soup is good once he takes the time to really taste it and it warms his insides like some thick blanket. He inhales deeply and straightens. He drinks the rest of the broth as if it were milk. It burns a little on the way down but it feels too good to stop. He hasn\'t enjoyed food this much since the forest.

He gasps for air when he finally breaks contact with the bowl. He smiles brightly at Snape and Crookshanks meows softly. Harry picks him up and holds him close as Crookshanks purrs happily. \"Isn\'t that Miss Granger\'s cat?\" Snape asks.

Harry nods and strokes Crookshanks. \"Yeah.\"

\"Then why is he with you?\"

\"I\'m sorry, did you say something? I was busy ignoring you.\"

Snape glares. \"I should give you detention for that.\"

\"Then give me detention. I really don\'t care.\" He feels really good, he can tell. If only his mouth would stay shut but he\'s really enjoying this whole Shock Snape thing. \"I might actually show up, you never know. At least the dungeons are quiet.\" Crookshanks butts him in the face and Harry laughs. It\'s a game to both of them.

Snape watches, completely enthralled at the way boy and cat seem to understand each other. It\'s been awhile since he\'s seen Harry laugh like that and he realizes that he missed it. Perhaps this is the time to approach another subject. \"So that book that you seem to care for so much? What exactly is it?\"

Harry freezes and his gaze turns from the cat to Snape and Snape almost regrets asking. Harry shrugs. \"I like to draw.\" He says it as if it\'s the answer to every question Snape might want to ask and perhaps it is. Harry decides that it\'s definitely time to go. He sets Crookshanks down and goes to the portrait that swings open easily.

\"Potter.\"

Harry looks back at him over his shoulder. \"Sir.\" He tries not to look too hopeful. If Snape asked, Harry would go to him right now and give him anything he wanted, everything he ever wished for.

Snape suddenly can\'t remember what it was he wanted to say as he watches Harry idly rub his left arm. He thinks it\'s odd but doesn\'t say anything about it even though something is screaming at him to ask because this boy is brimming with secrets and Snape wants so badly to know everything. \"I -\" but he can\'t say what he wants to say because it\'s inappropriate and, not for the first time, hates that he\'s a teacher. \"Five points from Gryffindor for being out past curfew.\"

Harry deflates and Snape swears he can see the disappointment. \"Good-night, Professor.\" He leaves with Crookshanks not far behind. He\'s awake now that there is food swirling around in his stomach. He goes back to the Tower, successfully avoiding Mr. Filch in the process, and sits in front of the fire. Crookshanks curls up in his lap and Harry stares past the fireplace and he\'s in his little world again and he forgot how much he feels like he belongs there. It briefly occurs to him that it\'s pathetic that he feels more at home in a place that doesn\'t exist than in this world he\'s living in.

He\'s jerked from his thoughts when Crookshanks bites him on the finger. He stares down at the cat that stares sweetly back up at him. Harry pushes Crookshanks off and goes up to the dorm. The cat runs in before him and up onto his bed. Harry shakes his head and goes to his bag. He is bored enough to want to re-read the textbooks he already knows so he starts on the work he missed on Friday. The Charms paper is simple and he finishes it within an hour. It\'s some of his best work as far as he is concerned and Flitwick will take almost any dribble that Harry gives him. Potions was a practical but his skills have improved so he doesn\'t worry about it being on the N.E.W.T.s. Divination he whips through like always and Herbology is another paper about the maturity of his plant.

Herbology that year is an independent study for Seventh Year students. Each student was given a plant to study at the beginning of the year. Some chose to breed their plants together as an experiment. Harry\'s plant is still maturing but flowering beautifully. He\'ll have to check on it tomorrow, he realizes, thankful that his plant only needs to be watered once a week. Soon it will be ready to be cut up and crushed into a pigment. It\'ll be his job to color it accordingly and test it out by painting something. If the picture moves, he\'ll have completed the assignment.

He shrugs and figures, what the hell? He grabs his cloak so Snape won\'t catch him this time and goes down to Green House #4 where his Agito plant is currently residing in a large pot in the corner. He smiles proudly as it\'s blue flowers stretch up towards the ceiling. The soil is still moist under his finger so he knows that everything is fine. Once the flowers shrivel up, it\'ll be time to cut it up. From the look of the velvety petals, it\'ll only be a few more days. At this stage, he\'ll need to come down every day. Once the flowers shrivel up, he only has six hours to pull it from the soil and crush it into a finwderwder and mix it with the dye he bought months ago from the Apothecary in Hogsmeade. On the table next to the plant there are six bowls, ready and waiting for the moment when he\'ll need them. He sits down next to his plant and waits.

He spends the rest of the week scurrying down to Green House #4 to make sure his Agito is still blooming. As each day goes by the leaves crinkle a little more but Professor Sprout assures him that he\'ll know when it\'s time to hack it down. Sometimes he brings his book with him and sketches his Agito in its unreal form. It\'s limbs are twisted together and it reminds Harry of a Picasso painting he saw once. Sometimes, he\'ll sketch pieces of the forest clearing that he remembers.

On Friday, Hermione corners him in the Common Room. They haven\'t spoken to each other in almost six months and Harry is strangely nervous by her confrontation. \"Where are you going?\" she asks.

\"To the green house to check on my plant,\" he says.

She nods. \"Can I come with you?\"

He shrugs. \"All right.\" He holds the portrait open for her and shuts it once they\'re both out. They walk for several minutes in complete silence.

\"I\'ve missed you the last few months,\" Hermione whispers to him, almost afraid to even speak what she feels to him. \"It\'s just not the same without having our adventures. The three of us.\"

Harry nods. He can\'t really say he misses it because he never thinks about it but he\'ll let her think that he cares because he owes her that much, right? \"They were interesting.\"

She laughs airily. \"Dangerous is more like it. Some of the things we did were really stupid.\"

He chuckles. \"Yeah, they really were.\" They\'re silent as they make their way towards the door the leads out into the green house pasture. The pause in conversation is thick but without tension and Harry can\'t figure out why.

\"We take the N.E.W.T.s on Monday.\"

\"I know.\"

\"Have you been studying?\"

Good old Hermione. \"No,\" he says just to get a rise out of her. She laughs and Harry wonders why she didn\'t laugh more when they were children. Then again, there really wasn\'t much to laugh about when you got down to it. \"Yeah, I\'ve been studying.\"

\"Good. Do you know what you\'re going to do after we graduate?\"

He\'s not sure what inspires him to do it and perhaps it was that this was Hermione and Hermione was his best friend and he knows he can trust her with everything. For a second he misses the last six months and wishes he could change them, keep Hermione with him. \"Promise not to tell?\"

She cocks her head. \"Harry Potter keeping secrets? Who would\'ve thought?\"

\"I\'m serious.\" She nods. \"I\'m going to be an artist.\"

Hermione laughs. She leans against the wall and laughs so hard that she grabs her side and tears are streaming down her face. Harry waits patiently for her to stop and feels a little empty because once upon a time Hermione would\'ve taken him seriously. He wonders what happened to both of them. She finally stops and straightens, dries her eyes with her sleeve. \"I\'m sorry. Really, I didn\'t mean to laugh.\" He blinks at her before he starts walking away. \"No! Harry!\" She walks briskly to catch up. \"I didn\'t mean it like that, honestly. Would you stop a minute?\"

He stops and stares at her. \"What did you mean?\"

She sighs. \"I don\'t know. I just wasn\'t expecting it. I thought you were going to go work for the Ministry or maybe Dumbledore had offered you a teaching job or you were going to go play professional Quidditch. An artist is...that\'s really sexy.\"

\"Excuse me?\"

Hermione shrugs. \"Artists. They\'re just...they\'re mysterious and vague and beautiful and sexy. I guess I realized that you weren\'t who I thought you were and it was so over-whelming, the only thing I could do was laugh.\"

He nods. \"I can respect that.\" There\'s another pause. \"So, can we go?\"

\"Oh, yeah.\" They start walking again and Harry wishes he could think of the smart and witty things he says to piss off Snape but all of them are gone and all he\'s left with are stupid little comments about the weather and the quality of Hermione\'s plant. Hermione speaks first. \"I\'m engaged.\"

\"Congratulations. To Ron?\"

She smiles sweetly and looks at him. \"No. Millie Bulstrode.\"

Harry almost trips. \"Since when are you seeing her?\"

Hermione blushes. \"Halloween. She\'s wonderful once you get to know her and really smart.\"

\"I\'m happy you\'re happy.\"

\"Thanks, Harry.\"

He nods and shoves his hands into his pockets. He\'s slipping into the little world where he wants to spill all his secrets to Hermione. Even the one across his arm but he won\'t and he doesn\'t because he wants to keep his secrets. \"So when\'s the big day?\"

She shrugs. \"We haven\'t decided yet. We\'re going to get an apartment together near the Ministry and live together for a while. A few years, I think. We\'ve both gotten really good job offers from the Ministry.\" Harry wonders when his world stopped because everyone else\'s seems to have kept on going. He doesn\'t have a sweetheart to move in with at the end of the term and plan out living arrangements and whisper stupid things to each other when they\'re in bed. He\'s a little jealous. \"Do you know where you\'re going to be? London, Paris or stay around here?\" She asks.

\"I don\'t know. I kind of want to disappear into the Muggle world. Make my living by my talent and not my scar.\"

She nods. \"I think it\'s a good idea. Can I see some of your stuff?\"

\"No.\"

\"Oh. That\'s okay. I\'m sure I\'ll be hearing all about you in a few months, anyway.\"

He\'s amazed that she has so much confidence in him. He wonders if she thinks he can do anything. Maybe he can. \"Maybe I\'ll send you a copy sometime.\"

\"I\'d like that.\" And he can tell that she means it and for some reason that hurts so much that he almost can\'t bear it. They\'ve reached the door to Green House #4 and Hermione doesn\'t come inside. \"I know that this might be the last time we ever talk to each other so I wanted you to know something.\" He nods for her to go on. \"You and Ron were the first friends I ever had, Harry. You taught me that it\'s okay to have fun every once and awhile and to always keep my wand ready if I\'m hanging out with you.\" They chuckle. \"Seriy thy though, I want you to be happy and I\'ve given this a lot of thought but I want you to keep Crookshanks.\"

Suddenly he can\'t breath and he\'s swallowing rapidly. \"But he\'s yours!\"

\"I know but he\'s so fond of you and I know you like him. I thought that maybe you could use the company when you\'re gone. I just... I want you to have him. Please.\"

He can\'t help it. He pulls her into a bone-crushing hug and he hasn\'t been this close to anyone in months. She hugs him just as forcefully and Harry feels like nothing has changed and they\'re 16 again and stupid and just having fun for the sake of having fun because they can. \"Thank you,\" he whispers and places kisses all over her face. \"Thank you so much.\"

She giggles but he can see the tears in her eyes and maybe she\'s just as hurt about this as he is. \"Will you try to Owl me at least once a month? Even if it\'s just to let me know that you\'re alive?\"

Harry knows that he probably won\'t but he eases her heart anyway. \"Sure.\"

She hugs him again. \"I\'ll let you get to your plant. Good-night, Harry.\"

\"Good-night, Hermione.\" She kisses his cheek and walks away with her head down and Harry knows that she\'s crying. He thinks that she\'ll probably go see Millicent and for some reason, it doesn\'t freak him out like he thinks it should. After all, he\'s in love with the Potions Master. Harry slips into the green house just as the first one of his flowers is closing up and shriveling. The others follow quickly. He\'s on time.