Crossing the Line

Chapter 7: Misunderstandings


Harry yawned and scratched his still damp, bare stomach. Feeling something odd, he looked down and smiled brightly, running his hand across the smooth expansion of flesh underneath his navel. He couldn\'t believe it had actually worked.

Still smiling, he pulled on his soft, dark brown trousers and a crimson silk, button-down long-sleeved shirt. Leaving the first few buttons undone, he brushed his hair out and let it hang free. Finished with his morning routine, he went down to the Great Hall for some breakfast. Not many people were there, since it was only six in the morning, but when he spotted Severus sitting in his usual seat, Harry gave a small grin. Plopping down into the seat next to him, he cheerfully said, \"Good morning,\" and dug into his meal with an unusual fervor. Probably because he hadn\'t been able to eat that much last night from nerves.

When he was close to being done, Severus muttered some excuse and quickly left the room, leaving behind a stunned Harry. Finishing his meal quickly, he followed the other man and knocked on Severus\' door which opened for him easily enough. Looking automatically towards the right, where the burgundy couch lay, Harry felt a small shiver go up his spine before he turned his attention to the man seated in the armchair.

\"Are you feeling better?\" Harry maneuvered around the other chair and sank into it, looking over at the other man intently. His question was met with a quiet affirmative. Frowning, Harry got up out of his comfortable chair and crossed the short distance between them. Kneeling down beside the man\'s legs, he met the other man\'s gaze as it flew down to look at him in surprise.

Frowning, this time in confusion and concern, Harry stared into the indifferent eyes of his ex-professor. Shit! He wasn\'t going back to doing that was he? Harry thought they were past all that bullshit. Resting a firm hand on Severus\' knee, Harry lent forward and quietly murmured, \"What\'s wrong?\" thinking, \'Why are you acting like this, why are you shutting me out?\' the silent question went through his mind as he waited for an answer. \'What did I do?\'

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Damn the Gryffindor. Damn him. Damn him to hell! This was not fair. Severus felt Harry was too easy in his presence, too comfortable in his chambers. Severus couldn\'t even order him out because it could affect Harry\'s training and he wasn\'t so inclined to upset him anymore.

Unable to look away from the intent green eyes, Severus swallowed once before saying evenly, \"Harry, I don\'t think it\'s such a good idea for you to be my donor. Combined with your training... you would hardly have time for anyone else after you throw your teaching into the mix. It\'s... not a good way for you to be spending your time.\"

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Harry frowned and tightened his hold on Severus\' knee slightly in agitation. Who was he to be telling Harry how to manage his time? \"For one, I have plenty of time after following your tip for doing my paperwork any chance I get; I easily free up my afternoons. Training takes an hour or two at the most. And on weekends, we have almost the whole day. Being your donor involves me coming to you at night, or even in the early morning. Since we usually spend time together during those times, I don\'t see the problem. And please don\'t try to manage my time. I\'m an adult now; I think I can manage it myself.\"

Harry sighed and shook his head. \"I don\'t need or want anyone else.\" He pressed a finger to the man\'s lips when he made to protest. \"You know how much trouble I have getting close to people and trusting them. And I can\'t even go with someone my own age because I\'ve experienced a hell of a lot more then most of them.\" What he didn\'t say was, \'And I care about you, but I don\'t think either of us are ready to hear that just yet.\' Harry slowly removed his finger from Severus\' soft lips reluctantly, placing them back on his knee. \"So, I don\'t want anyone else. I love being in your company.\" He glanced to the side for a moment, before continuing, \"And I\'d hoped you could say the same thing about me.\"

He sat back, both hands holding onto the man\'s knee while he rested his chin on top of them, looking up at the still indifferent face. Something that caused a painful twist in his heart. Especially after thinking they\'d moved past that. Hell, he\'d made the man laugh and smile. Why was he putting up this shield again?

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It wasn\'t exactly the same admission he\'d made last night... but it was a little too close for comfort. He knew what Harry wanted now... and he knew he wouldn\'t be good for him. He\'d end up regretting it sooner or later; no one in their right mind would want to lock themselves away in the dungeons. But... perhaps he could use this to his advantage? He could help Harry weather the war and then... once everything was over Harry would have the chance to really see his options and the feelings he thought he had for Severus would fade away naturally. He\'d probably still keep in contact, bloody loyal Gryffindor that he was, but he\'d be able to find more friends and chose someone better suited to be his lover. That would be the best way to go about it... more gentle, less harsh on both of them. Yes.

\"I\'m sorry, Harry,\" he said with a soft sigh, meeting his deep green eyes intently. \"It\'s just... I haven\'t fed in over a year and it\'s been twenty years since anyone consented to be a more than a one time donor, so I\'m really not used to having one. It\'s... a little... unnerving, I guess you could say.\" He very much wished Harry would accept what he\'d said and move away; it was very tempting to start running his fingers through the younger man\'s hair as they were now.

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Unnerving? Well, that\'s definitely not what he expected. At least he didn\'t say anything about trust. Harry was glad that Severus trusted him enough to know he would never hurt him intentionally. He had to admit that he felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought of Severus biting anyone else. Which was silly really, since the other man had said so himself that he had never took a full time--wait. \"Who else did you ask to be your donor? If you don\'t mind me asking,\" he quickly added. It had probably been before he was born, but still... that didn\'t change the ache he felt in his stomach over it.

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\"Well,\" Severus mused, brushing some lose strands of hair out of Harry\'s eyes on reflex and then just resigning himself to sifting his fingers through the other man\'s hair (he didn\'t think he\'d mind anyway--Harry seemed to be addicted to touch when he trusted a person). \"I haven\'t had very many donors and only one that I ever fed from more than once. Lucius approached me in seventh year, after witnessing my new moon \'fit\' in the Owlery once; why he was there, I still don\'t know.

\"He managed to figure out that I was a vampire and asked to be my donor. I\'d never had a donor before him, mostly because vampires needs to be seventeen before they can feed, but I\'d always been curious about it.\" Severus sighed wearily, not pleased with digging up memories where he\'d been so stupid. \"To make a long story short, he was charming and I was stupid and I ended up feeding from him. One thing lead to another and soon I was a Death Eater. I continued to feed from him until the night the first war ended... the night you received that scar. I wanted to stop as soon as I became a spy for Dumbledore, but I couldn\'t make anyone suspicious so I was forced to continue.\"

Severus finally tore his gaze away from the fire and met Harry\'s again. \"After that, I got a feeding perhaps once a year from this person and that person, only because the pain gets more intense every month you go without feeding. It will never kill you, but it was distracting enough to motivate me to slip off to an establishment on Awen that offers donors as a product. They\'re not forced into that job anymore than a whore is forced into their profession, but I still detested it.\"

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Pushing against the warm fingers sliding across his scalp and weaving their way through his long hair, Harry sighed quietly, gently moving his index finger in a circular pattern on top of the man\'s knee. \"I guess you haven\'t fed in a long time then. I\'ve never seen you miss classes, and you only missed them that one time. Why did you go for so long without feeding if it hurts you this much and you had a free meal, excuse my wording, at that place. You might not have liked it, but wasn\'t it better then doubling over in pain?\" \'and making me worry about you each month that you grew paler and more ragged looking.\'

Harry had been teaching in Hogwarts for a year and he\'d always noticed that at certain times of the month, Severus would grow even paler and he\'d clutch his stomach when he thought no one was looking. It tore at his heart to think that the other man had been living with that kind of pain for so long.

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Severus had to bite his lip when Harry started moving his index finger around his knee. If he found out the former Death Eater was ticklish, he\'d never hear the end of it. \"Because,\" he murmured, trying to focus on the subject at hand, \"feeding is a very intimate experience on both parts. Vampires may recover faster from it, but for a month after a feeding, assuming they don\'t feed ever again from that partner, they can feel the magic of the wizard or the essence of the Muggle that they\'ve fed from. If I\'m throwing teacups at Dumbledore\'s head, a man I\'ve known for forty years, do you think I want the presence of a stranger in my veins more than is absolutely necessary? It\'s wretched enough that I can immediately tell when Lucius is within five miles of me.\"

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\"But if you said that it goes away after a month... and you haven\'t fed on Lucius for years...\" Harry frowned, continuing to circle his finger on the indent of the other man\'s knee, trying not to grin when he twitched slightly. At least he knew he was ticklish now, he could use that to his advantage.

He felt slightly odd at the thought that Severus could feel his magic, now that he had fed on him. By feeling magic--did that mean emotions? Did magic fluctuate depending on a wizard\'s feelings and thoughts? Would Severus figure out how Harry felt about him? So many questions and no answers--well, he could ask the vampire before him, but he didn\'t really feel up to that discussion. \'Professor, can you feel it in my magic when I want to suck you?\' He could only imagine how that conversation would go--then again--imagining was not a good thing. Harry bit his lip and shifted slightly from his kneeling place on the ground.

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\"Well, I fed on him for so long that I became... for lack of a better word, sensitive, to his magical signature so I can sense him when he\'s near, like I can sense you now.\" Seeing Harry shift, Severus assumed it was because he wasn\'t comfortable with the other wizard in his thoughts, so Severus decided to clarify. \"It\'s not like I can read your thoughts, Harry, just sense you. Like scent to a dog or something similar. Even a vampire and his mate can\'t read each others\' thoughts. They can sense each other no matter how far apart they are, though, and they can sense and feel the others\' emotions as well.\" Severus bit his tongue, though not hard enough to draw blood at the end of that last sentence. Why did he keep explaining the mating habits of vampires to Harry anyway? It\'s not like the information would be useful to him anyway.

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Shifting again so he was between Severus\' feet, he slouched and crossed his arms on the man\'s knees, both elbows on corresponding knees, spreading them slightly from the weight. Laying his chin down on his clasped hands, he looked up at the other man, confused by his hitch of breath, but decided to continue out loud with his thoughts. \"If you fed on me for a long time, would you be able to feel my emotions? Or is that only if we were mates?\" the idea did have its appeal--if it took long enough till after the war Harry would easily be able to go about his plan of trying to get into a relationship with the man. Maybe even be his mate.

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Did the man before him have any idea exactly how provocative his current position was? Good Merlin he was going to give him an aneurysm, or worse: an erection. \"Only if we were mates. I can\'t even feel Lucius\'s emotions, thank Merlin,\" he assured Harry while folding his hands in front of his lap. Oh, something definitely must be done about this position...

\"Since you\'re here anyway, Harry,\" Severus said after clearing his throat, \"would you like to give the meditations another go?

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Harry grinned and used the man\'s knees as leverage to get up. He offered Severus a hand up, but he just shook his head and motioned for Harry to shrink the table. He frowned in confusion, but turned around and shrunk the table with his wand, then moved it to the mantel. By the time he turned around, Severus was standing up again.

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\"Since you managed to get a wand without my help before, it might be a good idea to see what you can do here, without me at your back. If you can get a wand without too much difficulty, we can start using that for wandless magic and, of course, teaching you how to access someone else\'s magic,\" Severus explained, motioning for Harry to assume the position while he loomed over him and watched.

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Nodding, Harry followed the silent command and sat down, back to the flames, face level with Severus\' knees as he stood over him. He looked up briefly, surprised to see a flash of... something... in the other\'s gaze, before he returned his eyes to the black clad knee. Shutting them gently, he quickly fell into the trance.

This time when he pictured himself in the black void with the dancing lights surrounding him, the orb of light was already there, almost like it had been waiting for him. Putting his hand out, trying not to think about Voldemort and if he would appear this time, the white and mingling light green lights quickly gathered into his hand, forming the shape of his wand. Smiling, he gripped it loosely, before letting the energy evaporate, yet he still felt it dancing underneath his flesh when he dropped his hand.

Blinking his eyes open, Harry fell out of the trance. Looking up, he smiled brightly at the tall figure, \"I did it.\"

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Severus\' eyebrows shot up in surprise and he couldn\'t help the proud smile that flittered over his face. \"Excellent,\" he murmured, offering Harry a hand up. Harry stumbled a little and Severus was forced to grasp his shoulder to steady him. \"Careful,\" he said quietly as Harry found his balance and after a moment\'s hesitation went to fetch the coffee table again.

Severus watched him do so with a torn inner monologue. He was glad that Harry had taken so easily to the magic; that meant they were one step closer to defeating Voldemort... unfortunately that meant they were one step closer to being able to corner and face Voldemort. It worried Severus that this suddenly seemed to be approaching so quickly. Harry was the first friend, donor, and... distraction, he\'d allowed himself in, well, his entire life basically and the potential he had to lose him frightened him

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Finished with his task, Harry turned to face the other man, frowning in concern at the pale complexion and furrow in the other man\'s brow. Stepping forward, he laid a hand lightly on the man\'s arm. \"Are you okay?\" he didn\'t know why Severus looked so... scared. On second thought, he\'d never really seen him frightened before. He must be thinking about Voldemort--he couldn\'t imagine Severus being scared of anything else, but that monster.

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The hand on his shoulder brought him back to himself. \"Yes, Harry,\" he replied, moving to sit in his armchair again and, after a moment of confused hesitation, Harry did the same.

\"I was just thinking over the next steps we have to take. Tomorrow I\'m going to take you through an entirely different meditation. Our ultimate goal is to have you seek out that link between you and Voldemort in your mind and use it to tear the magic from his body and destroy it.

\"Until tomorrow and from this point on, I want you to try summoning up the image of that magic wand in your mind\'s eye and focusing your simple spells through that, trying to get them to work that way, before you reach for you wand. That will strengthen your ability in wandless magic and make your future meditations easier. I want you to practice performing simple spells without your wand until it comes easily and then move up to more complicated ones as you feel comfortable.\"

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Harry nodded and leant back in his chair. He just hoped that he would be able to do it. He didn\'t want to disappoint Severus after going through all this work.

Looking at his watch, he swore colourfully and quickly stood up. The older man looked up at him in confusion. \"It\'s 7:30! Classes start in 10 minutes!\" Severus swore and pushed himself up. Already half out the door, Harry called back, \"I\'ll see you at lunch!\" Severus nodded and motioned for him to hurry to his first class, already preparing himself for his own class.

He made it to his Fifth Year classroom of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors with two minutes to spare. His entrance was similar to that of a certain Potions master back in first year. The chattering students quickly hushed. Harry pretended that he hadn\'t forgotten to wear his wizarding robe, and really, he had worn his silk button up shirt and dark brown trousers on purpose. He\'d totally forgotten that he had classes today, he had been so caught up with Severus, that he\'d only realized what day it was and the time when he\'d looked at his Muggle watch.

Standing behind his desk, Harry turned to face the students and issue them the textbook work he\'d planned for the students to know the theory behind the spell he planned to teach tomorrow so they were better prepared, when he was caught off guard as the class gasped, almost all in union. Frowning in confusion--surely they wouldn\'t act like that because of his clothes?--Harry told the fifth years to turn to page 201 in their textbooks and to make notes from the unit on Patronus.

\"Professor Potter?\" turning to the voice, Harry raised a brow questioningly at the pretty curly haired girl who reminded him of Hermione.

\"Yes, Ms. Shirley?\" Shirley blushed a bright red. She glanced down at the desk for a moment, as though questioning her own decision to speak up. An elbow in her side from her friend sitting next to her quickly reminded her of her purpose as she looked back up at the professor.

\"Professor Potter, me and the other students, well, we were wondering where you got that scar on your eye.\" Harry blinked, stunned. Tracing a finger over said scar, he frowned, realizing that he had forgotten to put the glamour spell back up on his wards when he\'d took them down just this morning and he\'d been planning on spending the day with Severus. Shit.

He narrowed his eyes, \"I got it from my Auror career.\" He glared at the other students, daring them to speak. They were wisely silent. \"Now get back to your notes.\" With that he sat down in his chair and took out his own paperwork, already planning a test on the Patronus spell. The students whispered amongst themselves, but were quickly silenced by Harry when he took twenty points from each of their houses. The rest of the class period was spent in silence, occasionally broken by a scratching quill and the turning of the page.

When the period was over, they all but ran out, to be replaced by Seventh Year Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. Harry didn\'t bother to put a glamour charm up, knowing the news would already be spread. Hogwarts was hell in that sense. Sighing, he quickly assigned them the same type of research work on a more complicated spell relating to warding off Dementors and went back to making the test

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Severus made his entrance to class as smooth and dramatic as ever; robes he\'d put on this morning out of habit readily snapped at he walked. He only had Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw First Years this morning so the tense and slightly more dramatic than usual entrance had them silenced and cowering in their seats as usual. Severus smirked sadistically. Excellent. He wouldn\'t need to reacquaint them with how his classroom worked. Gliding around to the front of the room he moved right into the lesson.

\"Since you\'ve had the last five days without me present,\" and Severus paused here only enough to get their hopes up that he\'d go easier on them, before dropping the bomb, \"I assume you have used that time to review and am thus issuing a pop quiz.\" The anticipated groan rolled through the class as Severus deftly handed the papers out and Severus\' sadistic smirk only grew more evil. In all the time he had spent with Harry over the long weekend, he hadn\'t had much time to think of classes, except the rare moment when he\'d worked on getting things ready for returning to them on Monday and he was glad for it. It made his return all the more enjoyable. He was less stressed and more willing to, as usual, drag the students into disciplined learning by their hair, kicking and screaming all the way.

Severus managed to get a jump on preparing their next test as they worked on the quiz and, after collecting it, threw himself into the lesson with fervour. He was as much a bastard as ever. He\'d missed this; the enjoyment he got out of teaching, even if you\'d have to know him really well to know he was having fun. He managed to get through the lesson, satisfying all his evil and sadistic quotas as well as grading the appalling quizzes with enough time to hand them back to the class.

It had been a long time, he realized oddly as the students filed out, since he\'d really enjoyed teaching. He\'d done it very efficiently out of habit mind, but to really enjoy it... it had been a while since that happened for him. Severus, with pleasure, took the time in-between class to write instructions on the board for making a particularly hard potion with which to challenge his Fourth Year classes. Oh yes, it was good to be back. Of course he kept the thought that this sudden development had anything to do with the relaxing conversations and training and other events that had passed between him and Harry completely out of his mind. Truly he did.

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Raking a hand through his already mussed hair, Harry took a deep breath before entering the Great Hall through the teacher\'s doors. Second period had been hell. The Slytherins were very interested in his scar, something about it being cool to have a war scar. If they only knew. No, scratch that. He wouldn\'t wish this on any being, child or adult. He wouldn\'t want to tarnish them and take away their naive out look on life.

Sitting beside Severus, he gave a small smile and murmured a quiet \'hello\' before he started eating his chicken salad. He caught a few whispers about his scar from the students closer to the teacher\'s table, and sighed. There was definitely no point in even bothering with the glamour charm.

\"Professor Potter!\" he groaned as Rose took a seat next to him on his left. \"How were your classes today?\" he prattled on.

\"Fine.\"

\"That\'s good. There\'s been some whispering in the hallways, and I was just wondering were you got that dreadful scar?\" Harry gritted his teeth and tried not to hang his head.

\"Auror.\"

\"Ahh, I see, I see.\" Rose nodded sympathetically.

\'No, you don\'t see Rose. You couldn\'t possibly sympathize.\' Harry sighed and continued eating, trying to ignore the other man in his efforts to engage conversation and his continued pestering about how exactly he earned the scar. Harry kept silent throughout.

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\"Rose,\" Severus said after a few more moments. It was just his name, but the way he\'d said it commanded the attention of the other professor and made him stop mid-sentence. \"I saw Peeves mucking about your wing a few minutes ago, before lunch started. I think he might\'ve been trashing your classroom. You\'ll want to go check on that, I assume?\"

\"Like I\'m going to fall for that again, you git!\" Rose said angrily. \"I\'ll have you know several vines from the Forbidden Forest had me tied to a tree almost all day on Sunday!\"

Severus, however, seemed very undisturbed by the outburst and continued to stare indifferently at Rose for a length of maybe twenty seconds before Peeves came barreling into the Great Hall adorned with Rose\'s extra robes and doing a very comical interpretation of his ludicrously boring teaching methods. The school was in an uproar of laughter as Rose began to chase the poltergeist around the room in the attempts to get his robes back.

\"Now whether or not I told Peeves to investigate his classroom is an entirely different story,\" Severus mumbled quietly to himself for Harry\'s benefit. Glancing over at said snickering professor, Severus smiled inwardly.

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Harry smiled and glanced over at Severus before issuing a quiet, \"Thank you.\" The older man nodded and continued to watch Rose make an ass out of himself.

Finished with his sandwich, Harry leant back in the chair, glancing around the room, he sighed when he saw a few students staring at his scar. Merlin, it was as bad as when they\'d been fascinated on his \'famous\' scar.

\"I forgot to put on a glamour spell after seeing you. I\'d totally forgotten about my classes, so I wasn\'t expecting to go out much in public.\" He motioned towards his clothes. \"Thus, the lack of robes. Though I admit I find it more comfortable then wizarding attire.\" Harry sighed and scratched the scar over his eye distractingly. \"Now it\'s useless to even bother with the glamour charm.\"

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Severus gently reached over and, grasping Harry\'s hand with his, removed it from his eye. \"They will shut up eventually if you glare hard enough; that\'s been my experience at least.\" Pausing for a moment, Severus met Harry\'s eyes seriously. \"I can help you get rid of it if it bothers you, you know,\" he offered again to help him. \"It will inevitably provoke more questions, but people are always asking questions relentlessly. Outside of class anyway. Inside you can hardly get them to utter a sound coherent to the topic at hand.\"

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Harry sighed and shook his head, looking down at their clasped hands, his long fingers curled around Severus\' thumb. \"It would just be vain now to remove it.\" He glanced back up and met the other\'s gaze. \"It doesn\'t hurt me like the other scar did.\" He gave a small smile. \"I\'ll be fine. It\'s not like I\'m not used to being talked about behind my back.\"

The small hairs at the back of his neck raised as though someone were watching him. If the angle was right, then it must be one of the professors. Probably Dumbledore.

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Severus nodded briefly and Harry and murmured, \"All right then,\" before slowly releasing his hand. Without even bothering to look at the older wizard Severus said simply, \"Unless you have a reason to talk with us, Albus, I\'d suggest you stop staring--it\'s rude.\" Severus did serve Dumbledore well, but that didn\'t mean he was any less keen about being in his presence when he wasn\'t strictly needed. He was Severus after all.

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Harry grinned and glanced down at his watch. He had ten minutes to prepare for his next lesson, which was the spell against a Bogart. Remus had taught it already, but he\'d left so quickly that the students probably didn\'t even take it in. \"I better go get ready for my next class.\" He looked back up at the other man who was still finishing his meal. \"I\'ll see you tonight?\" he asked quietly. When he received a nod, Harry smiled and left the Great Hall, leaving in a much better mood then when he had entered.

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The rest of the day passed in a fairly pleasant manner for Severus. His students were no more obnoxious than usual, thus giving him the pleasure of taking away house points and still having the time to finish most of his paperwork, thus ensuring more free time over the weekend to spend with Harry... for training purposes mostly, of course. Even Rose was smart enough not to sit near them at dinner. If it wasn\'t for the letter the Order had sent that he\'d placed in his pocket to remind him of the impending meeting Friday, he probably would\'ve forgotten Voldemort even existed, for a time anyway. Ironic when he considered that\'s what he\'d been trying to get Harry to do.

After supper he and Harry parted ways to take care of whatever else needed to be done for the evening, knowing how feeding tended to encourage nothing but sleep immediately afterwards and not wanting to leave little errands undone. Severus once again arranged the couch comfortably but there were no towels beside it this time. He had been in surprisingly good spirits since he\'d fed from Harry the other day and his magic seemed to be responding as well, responding quicker with or without a wand. He was fairly sure he\'d be able to mutter a cleansing charm coherently.

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Entering the other man\'s chambers at nine, Harry gave a small smile as he closed the door behind him. Severus motioned for him to take the couch again. Settling against the other man\'s chest this time, his head resting on the vampire\'s shoulder, Harry sighed and tried to erase the remaining nervousness. He bit his lip when he felt a warm hand on his stomach and a quiet whisper asking if he was all right.

Sighing again, he glanced up at the down turned face, eyes even darker then obsidian (if that was possible) and quite larger than their normal size, staring into his own emerald green. \"I guess I still feel nervous because I seem to fall asleep right after...\" He continued when an ebony brow was raised, \"I tend to... well, talk a lot without really thinking if it\'s a bit private...\" He glanced down, almost shyly.

\"I always made sure to fall asleep after the person I was with had fallen asleep. I didn\'t want them to hear anything that I wanted to keep close to my heart. It\'s worse because I can never remember everything I\'ve said the next morning.\" If Severus found out the kinds of things he thought about him--well, he doubted their friendship would last very long. The man would probably think he\'d only gotten close to him to get into his pants, and although he wanted to, he also wanted to be the man\'s friend first.

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At Harry\'s words, Severus did feel a little guilty at questioning Harry last night. It was obvious his guard was completely down, more-so than Severus\'. But immediately after that thought, it fully registered with him what Harry had said. Everything he said last night had to have been true. Provided, Severus still intended to stay close with Harry through the war and wait for nature to take his course and for him to move on, but he also remembered the other things he\'d murmured. That he truly wanted Severus to be healthy and happy. He wasn\'t sure why that was just impacting now, but it touched him that Harry felt that way. Such things had been near nonexistent in his life, and they were always precious to him.

Gently stroking Harry\'s hair, Severus tried to reassure him. \"Nothing you say leaves this room, Harry, you can trust me there.\" Noting the still nervous air about the other professor, Severus gently hooked one finger under Harry\'s chin and drew his emerald gaze back to him. \"I won\'t ask you anything beyond encouraging you to go to sleep if that makes you feel better. I don\'t mind carrying you back to your rooms; I managed well enough last night.\" There was a slight pause before Severus added, \"You can also simply not be a donor if you don\'t feel comfortable; I\'ve gotten by on my own before so you shouldn\'t feel obligated.\"

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Harry sighed and leant further against Severus\' shoulder, enjoying the fingers passing through his hair. \"Stop trying to talk me out of it,\" he muttered. \"I want to do this. How many times do I have to say that?\" he asked rhetorically. \"And I already trust you. Otherwise, I wouldn\'t be doing this, and I would have fallen straight to sleep instead of trying to stay up and probably make a fool of myself.\" He grinned when Severus snorted.

Arching his neck further back, he gasped at the feeling of the other\'s mouth on the junction between shoulder and neck. \"Why is this so pleasurable anyway? And do you feel the same?\" he asked quietly. It probably would have gone unheard if it hadn\'t been for Severus\' vampire hearing.

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\"Probably for the same reason sex feels so good,\" Severus replied bluntly smirking at the blush that stained Harry\'s cheeks. \"It\'s an act to sustain a species and if it was a pain in the neck, vampires would\'ve died out centuries ago.\"

Severus paused to brush Harry\'s hair mostly to one side of his head so as to get better access to his neck. \"In response to your second question,\" Severus murmured, swiping his tongue over Harry\'s neck, \"the feelings are just as intense, but it\'s not exactly sexual in the same aspect as it is for you.\" Severus paused to suck gently on Harry\'s neck and bring the blood to the surface. \"In plain English, it\'s something of an orgasm without the need to clean up afterwards. Only if I were being fed from would I orgasm in the conventional way, but there\'s no way to feed from a vampire--yet.\"

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Harry moaned quietly, threading his fingers through the one that still rested on his stomach. \"Handy, that.\" It was definitely a nice thought to know that the man beneath him was having an intense orgasm while feeding off him. Feeling his cock start to rise before Severus had even inserted his fangs, Harry blushed lightly in both arousal and embarrassment. He hoped Severus thought it was natural to get erect before he even sucked his blood.

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Once Harry\'s neck was properly laved, Severus parted his lips and sank his teeth into the younger man for the second time; feeling the rush of feeding strongly before his fangs had even broken the surface. As soon as the blood met his tongue, Severus felt an all too familiar sensation start sweeping through him. Feeding from Harry was so... there wasn\'t even an adjective for it. Harry\'s passionate nature made his blood so thick with his magical signature it was almost like Severus was pulling Harry into him, making them one person.

Harry started to make soft mewling voices in the back of his throat as Severus sucked at him, gently encouraging the wounds with slow prods of his tongue and Severus responded instinctively by pulling Harry closer to him. He felt the blood warm and sweeten with Harry\'s growing desire and sucked greedily at it, provoking more cries of passion from the younger professor, who was now gripping his hand rather tightly where their fingers were interlocked. Severus was hyper-aware to the slightest hitch in Harry\'s breathing and drank it all in as eagerly as his blood.

He gave one last forceful suck to the wound and the shaking man in his arms cried out loudly and came in an instant; going limp with ragged breaths in his arms. Severus gently cleaned the wounds of blood with his tongue before pulling away at last and watching them quickly close. Harry\'s eyes had fluttered shut again and he was in much the same state he had been in yesterday. Trailing his gaze over the man\'s beautiful face, Severus\' now more human looking eyes, came to rest on their joined hands and he let out a sigh of longing. He wanted something his better judgment knew he should and would ignore, but that wanting still made something inside him ache. He pulled Harry closer into his embrace and whispered a cleansing charm to clear away sweat and come. He felt a little more grounded this time and had a better grip on his magic.

\"Why do you like me so much anyway, Harry,\" he murmured accidentally-on-purpose. \"What do you want from me?\"

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Turning sleepily in the embrace in much the same fashion as last night, Harry nuzzled his nose into the man\'s neck. Hearing the question, he thought about it, somewhat sluggishly, and answered, \"Liked you for at least ten years. You\'re caring, kind, protective and a bit possessive. You\'re sexy, intelligent, and you know me. Know what I\'m gonna say \'fore I say it. I like that you understand me when no one else does.\" Harry murmured, yawning and enjoying the shiver the other man produced when warm, moist air hit his neck.

Thinking about the other question, Harry licked his lips, \"I want you. All of you. Even your snarky bastardy side. S\'funny.\" He grinned foolishly when Severus snorted. \"I think I love you, but not sure yet. Haven\'t thought about it \'cause I wanna defeat Voldemort before I try to get into anything s\'ious. Don\'t wanna die on you if we do get together. Wouldn\'t be fair. Wanna fight war to have time to pursue you after. S\'hoping you\'d be proud enough that you might like me.\" Harry blinked sleepily, long lashes fluttering against Severus\' neck. He felt so warm and safe.

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Severus lay there, running his hand gently through Harry\'s hair, trying to absorb this information. As much as the things Harry said appealed to him, his overly cynical side ruled his thinking when it came to forming those kinds of attachments. Harry shouldn\'t want him that way; there were others who were far better suited. Severus had his purposes--to train Harry and see him through the war, but being a lover to Harry was not one of them. Harry seemed to be much more cheerful after they\'d become friends in a round-about sort of way and that was good. That way, once the war was over, Severus could convince him to explore his options and the rest would take care of itself. Severus glanced down at Harry and tightened his grip slightly. For now, though, it was nice to dream.

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Harry sighed and shifted so his head was resting on one hard pectoral and his right leg was wrapped around Severus\' left one. He twirled his index finger slowly across the large muscle before him, ignoring the gasp when he touched a nipple. \"S\'only way I don\'t have nightmares.\" Even in his tired state he felt Severus\' questioning gaze on him. \"Can\'t sleep much \'cause of nightmares. When I sleep after you bite me, it\'s pleasant. No bad dreams.\" He smiled sleepily up at the down-turned face. \"S\'nice.\"

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Severus smiled down at Harry and, since there was little chance he\'d remember it in the morning, leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. \"The war will be over soon and then your nightmares can start to fade.\" He paused for a moment, sighing mournfully. \"Some might not go easily, but I\'ll do what I can to help. You\'ve suffered far too much. You deserve to be happy, too, Harry.\"

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Sighing again, Harry laid his head down on the man\'s chest again. His voice was filled with grief and self-loathing when he spoke, \"I don\'t deserve happiness. I made people sad when I poisoned their family members. And I killed innocent people because the Aurors were wrong and they made mistakes. And everything I did in training...\" Flashes of the torture and rapes he had to take part in, both on the receiving and the giving end, flashed through his mind, making his breath hitch as he buried his face further in the warmth underneath him.

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Seeing Harry crumple in on himself like that disturbed Severus greatly. How long had these emotional wounds been festering? Severus, from experience, knew how hard they were to get over, especially for someone like Harry. As anti-social as he had become over the years, he was the type of person who needed to talk out his problems.

\"Shhh,\" Severus murmured quietly, cradling Harry in his arms, trying to sooth him. \"Harry, mistakes the Aurors made in their orders to you are not your fault. I know you--you\'d never hurt someone intentionally unless there was reasonable cause to do so. Harry, you\'ve done almost nothing else your entire life but fight for good. You of all people, deserve happiness.\"

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Tears blurred his vision, something that hadn\'t happened for many years, as he choked out, \"But I did harm for no reasonable cause!\" he\'d tortured those people as part of his training. He\'d raped those same people. Something about having to know the pain tolerance, or some other bullshit like that.

His eyes were haunted with visions of the past as he looked up at the older man.

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Severus looked sadly down at Harry and gently wiped away his tears. He never doubted for a second Harry was a good person, but he knew the world could twist good people to do things they would later regret. Harry didn\'t deserve to have those demons haunting him and if he could, Severus would help him through this. \"Why did you do that, Harry?\" he asked softly, in a non accusing way, just trying to better understand the situation.

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Harry buried his head in the man\'s neck, hiding his face from view. If he\'d been thinking clearly, this probably would have been about the time he\'d have ran away. He didn\'t take to comfort well. But Severus was different. That and he was too tired to even get up.

\"It was part of the Auror training no one knows about. Everyone who retires or gets fired has their memory wiped of both their training and the various things they\'ve done as an Auror. Since I\'m the Boy-Who-Lived,\" the name was said with venom, \"they didn\'t wipe my memory, but they made me promise not to tell anything that could leak to the press.\" Harry sighed, burrowing closer to Severus, trying to get warmer. \"We had to--to torture and rape other Aurors and the same treatment was given to us. They said it was because we had to know pain tolerance and all that.\" He shook his head against the man\'s chest. \"I didn\'t want to do it, but I knew it was the only way to become an Auror.\"

His breath hitched as he fought back a sob. \"I didn\'t want to hurt them, I swear I didn\'t! They said it was okay because the Auror being raped or tortured had their memory wiped after the event so it would be like they hadn\'t even done anything. But the person doing it, they don\'t have their memory wiped. Not the first time anyway.

\"During the training period, no memory charms are cast, no healing charms. The other times after that, when you\'re called to be of help to another new Auror going through the training, you get your memory erased of the event. But I never did. They didn\'t want to touch my memories, just in case something happened and I\'d forget about Voldemort or something like that.\"

He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, trying not to cry. \"That\'s where I got the scar over my eye. One of the new Aurors was scheduled for torture, but they didn\'t know how far down to cut before it scarred. And since we don\'t get healing charms for a long time, in order to get used to pain, the slash over my eye scarred. Hell, half the scars on my body are caused by the training. There\'s only a few that are actually from missions.\"

Harry bit his lip and clutched the material under his hands, trying to anchor himself to the present so he wouldn\'t be overtaken by the memories. While he was bone-tired, now especially after telling all that, he was more awake then he\'d ever been. He was worried that if he fell asleep now, he\'d end up having more nightmares. And Dreamless Sleep Potion never worked since they were more like flashbacks than dreams.

.

Severus held tightly to Harry, rubbing his back soothingly, trying to calm him. He wasn\'t surprised at what he heard. He\'d never concerned himself much with the ministry or the Auror organizations, but he knew well enough that their general policy was \'The end justifies the means.\' They didn\'t care what they had to do to get what they wanted so long as they got it. Regardless of whether or not it was something \'good\', the way they achieved their methods made them frighteningly similar to Voldemort and his ring of Death Eaters. He wouldn\'t be surprised at all if one of Fudge\'s men, the ones that pushed him around and held the real power because all he wanted was the money and the fame, planned the Auror organization that way to try to toughen-up incoming wizards.

\"Harry,\" Severus said softly in the younger man\'s ear, \"don\'t blame yourself. The ministry and organization associated with it are more corrupt than most people are willing to realize. People just blame Voldemort for all their problems and refuse to do any work to improve things. Harry, what they did to you was wrong. They manipulated you the same way Lucius and the Death Eaters manipulated me. It\'s a dangerous thing and you don\'t need magic, just words. Don\'t blame yourself, Harry.\"

Severus wished there was something more he could do to reassure Harry. He knew that cycle of self blame all too well, he\'d gone through it himself. But that was one of the things that had motivated him to become a spy. He wanted to help prevent other impressionable young people from being sucked into the group if he could. Still it took him many years before he stopped blaming himself for everything--mostly because he\'d had no one to confide in, no one to reassure him that he wasn\'t a monster. He hoped he might be able to stop the self blame and ridicule in Harry, and help him somehow. He wouldn\'t wish what he\'d gone through on anyone... except Voldemort, of course.

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Harry sighed and opened his eyes, a few tears escaped from their early position of collecting on his lashes. He knew it wasn\'t completely his fault. But considering it was up to him and he had been given the option to quit before he got too far in, he was partially to blame. At first he didn\'t really understand why Severus wasn\'t disgusted with him, but thinking of his Death Eater career (if you could call it that) the older man had probably done things similar to what Harry had. So if he was disgusted with Harry, then he\'d only be a hypocrite. Although there was one thing he didn\'t fully know. \"Are you still going to be my friend? You probably don\'t want to be involved with someone that has a past similar to yours.\" He sighed sadly and went back to wrapping his arms around the man\'s chest.

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\"I can\'t see a single reason why I shouldn\'t be your friend, Harry. People are manipulated and make mistakes everyday. It\'s how you bounce back from those situations that shows your character; you\'ve done very well. You\'re teaching children how to defend themselves, and frankly there\'s probably no one better for it considering what you know. And you\'re working hard to bring down Voldemort. Those are both noble causes. And regardless of how you may be haunted, you are a good person; it would take no less than a saint to put up with me,\" he finished smiling slightly at Harry\'s snort and continued to hold him gently, wanting to reassure him that he was very much cared for.

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\"But you\'re easy to put up with,\" Harry murmured, trying to snuggle even closer to the taller man, and smiled at the tightening in the arms around him in response.

He frowned and leaned up so he could look up at Severus face clearly. \"You\'re never going to get into a relationship with me are you?\" he asked, completely shifting topics. He did remember last night vaguely in his mind, even while he was tired. He remembered part of their conversation, and knew Severus had all but turned him down.

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\"You\'re exhausted,\" Severus said softly trying to change the subject. \"You yourself said you don\'t know what you\'re saying when you\'re like this.\" He paused, sifting his fingers through Harry\'s hair lightly. \"Go to sleep.\"

In all honesty the idea had rooted itself as a very good one in the Slytherin\'s heart and refused to be evicted, but he also had to acknowledge Harry had lived under fear of his relatives and/or Voldemort his whole life. When he was finally free, the things he wanted would change and he\'d be able to pursue his own happiness. Severus would probably be there in the background, but he was not meant to be in the main picture.

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Harry sighed and laid his cheek back down on Severus\' chest. His heart ached and he felt like he had been stabbed in the gut. Repeatedly. Of course the other man didn\'t like him in that way--why would he? It wasn\'t like Harry was anyone special. No, he\'d have to settle on being Severus\' friend. Not like that was bad or anything. Harry was happy to be his friend--he\'d just have to control the urge to stab himself in the heart just so he could focus on another pain than the emotional one he was in now.

Closing his eyes, Harry tried to get to sleep. Tried to ignore the tightening in his chest that made him want to curl into a ball and weep. Tried to ignore the warmth he felt from the warm hand stroking his back. Any other time it would have given him hope, now he just felt like breaking free and running back to his rooms, pretending none of this had happened. He knew he\'d remember this conversation in the morning--he always did remember some of the things he said during the time he was sleepy and tended to speak his mind. And he would definitely remember this night as the day he was totally shot down.

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After about a half hour of staring alternately at the fire and at Harry, Severus noticed the other professor\'s breathing had evened out. He was asleep. Gently, he shifted him in his arms so that he could carry him without wakening him. Before getting up off the couch, he looked down at the limp form that was clinging to him. His face looked... so sad. \"Oh Harry,\" he whispered softly to the form in his arms. \"You\'ll find someone so much better than me; you\'ll see.\" He gently brush some of his hair away from his face before standing, trying not to wince at the small whimper that escaped Harry\'s throat as he did so.

He would later admit that a more selfish, devious side of himself had allowed Harry to fall completely asleep so that he would have to stay in Severus\' rooms; there was no way he could pronounce anything in Parseltongue. Walking smoothly into his own bedroom, Severus pulled back the sheets with wandless magic and gently lay Harry down, making sure to remove his shoes and place them by the bed before he drew up the covers. He pressed another, light kiss to the younger man\'s forehead and murmured, \"Sleep well, Harry,\" before walking back out to the sitting room where he would spend the night on the couch in as much emotional turmoil as Harry.