The Diaries of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape

July 17, 2000

 

10:21 am

I once again find myself returning to this wretched learning
institution for another year of self-induced Hades. Potions are my only
retreat…and now, I must teach my one great escape to scores of clueless
imbeciles. Were it not for my longstanding agreement with Headmaster
Dumbledore, I would take to the night and fly away. Upon reading that last
statement, I must now consider the fact that I just may be a bat like the
students whisper behind my back.  

 

 

12:42 pm

Bloody Hell! I just overheard Headmaster saying that the
Know-It-All chit is coming back to teach! One can only hope she has learned to
control that bushy hair. And, Merlin’s great white beard…remember those buck
teeth?  Of course, she was wise enough to trick Poopy (…oops, Freudian
slip), I mean Poppy, into shortening them. You know, on second thought, this
could be a wonderfully dull year, rather than the normal abysmal year. I can
torture a former student. If I was a vampire, like so many of the bloody
students think, I would throw my head back and cackle evilly. Alas, I am not.
So, I will settle with a gleeful smirk.

 

8:17 pm

Could this day get any worse? It seems that Potter’s
President of his Pep Club will return on the ‘morrow. I have very little time
to prepare my scathing remarks and suitable put downs. What? Honestly, did you
think they came rallrally to me? I’ll have you know that I work very hard for
my witticism. Granted, one must have an aptitude for said subject; but that is
a given. One does not have swarthy good looks and not catch a glimpse of the
dark side. I simply have a double helping because of my former ties to one evil
bastard.

 

11:53 pm

That was most interesting. Dumbledore sent a book of poetry
down to my chambers earlier in the evening. He sent a short note with it saying
that I would enjoy the poems and maybe even garner a few tidbits of needed
information. While I have no idea what the senile, ole’ bastard is up to, the
book was really quite good. Some muggle twit named

Lord Byron…

 

 

July 18

 

11:41 am

I spent the entire morning re-labeling and reorganizing my
potions. I find disorder and chaos as appealing as babysitting that great oaf’s
magical creatures.

 

 

 

 

2:34 pm

Once again, I secluded myself in my quarters. I worked on my
potion schedule. I swear I have to “dumb” down the bloody classes every year.
And, people wonder why the Wizarding World seems to be decaying. They should
take a step back and look at their prodigy.

 

8:04 pm

Oh my! I do not think that I have wanted to almost laugh so
much in my life. Do you remember me saying that Bushy Hair Granger was
returning to Hogwarts? Well tonight, she made a complete fool of herself!
Apparently, she is attracted to someone here at Hogwarts (what an honor…); she
took it upon herself to do a little show with a Twinkie. She took a big bite
and was pushing crème around with her tongue. I noticed “Spot” seemed to have a
hard time walking out of the Great Hall. Merlin, I hope for his sake; she is
not after him. Even a dog does not deserve that.

 

July 20

 

3:29 pm

Headmaster called me into his office today. He wanted to
have tea. One must really question the sanity of the old fruitcake. He wanted
to know if I had seen any nice, young ladies lately. What, may I ask, would I
do with them if I found one? Scare her with my infamous scowl? I know, I will
send her into ecstasy with the billowing of my robes. Bloody Hell…I almost
laughed again. This must stop. Tomorrow, I will search my potion books and find
a smirking potion. I will prevail.

 

10:34 pm

I, once again, read the poetry book. Lord Byron was quite the
scoundrel. I think I might have tolerated him.

 

July 27

 

11:49 am

Headmaster has once again sent me a book. This one is called
Sons and Lovers by a certain Mr. D.H. Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence must have
been a cad. Honestly, writing of such filth and sexual innuendos. I like it.

 

9:15 pm

Dinner was an awful event. First, the House Elves served
shepherd’s pie for dinner. Disgusting, really, how some creatures mix foods
that were meant to be apart for ingesting. Next, “Spot” was in rare form and
insisted on informing all of us how his weekend in London went. The thought of
anyone shagging the old mutt makes my skin crawl. And last, but not least; the
KIA (new name for the Know-it-All) seemed intent on watching me tonight. If I
were any less mannered than I am, I would have checked to see if a bogey was
hanging out my nose. Honestly!

 

July 31

 

11:21 pm

That bloody girl touched me! Who the hell does she think she
is? Right there at dinner, she leaned over and placed her hand on my thigh. As
if that was not enough, she followed me to the dungeons. When she called to me,
I had the sickening realization that I was the poor sap who had caught her
attention. Damn it to hell! I am proud to say that I shut her down quite
nicely. I told her that her attempts at seduction were hideously Gryffindor in
nature. Please note that I found my self cackling evilly once in my chambers.
Still am actually…

 

 

August 1

 

11:43 pm

Again! She touched me again! Who does this chit think she
is? I am afraid she pushed me a bit too far. I pretended to be incredibly
aroused by her “suggestive maneuvers” and took her on. I got her all hot and
bothered then kicked her out on her arse. Unfortunately for me, I think I m
be
be a tad attracted to her. I had my first arousal in severearsears (not
counting the morning stiffie, one cannot control those, you know). Figures that
my body would betray me in such a callous way, I have not exactly been nice to
it. It is probably paying me back for all those hexes and such.

 

August 2

 

10:58 am

This is war. Damn woman sent me a picture of herself doing a
striptease. There she was in all her glory, pert breasts and luscious hips. I
almost immediately had a “Class A” arousal. Thank goodness for loose billowing
robes. I left immediately. Unfortunately, I took the picture with me. I am sure
she now thinks I AM attracted to her; frankly, I’m worried she is right. When
did it even become a concept that Bushy and I could become lovers? What am I
thinking?  What has she DONE to me? Dear Merlin, has she slipped me one of
my own potions? It is time to fight fire with fire (or water, whatever puts her
and her desire O-U-T).

 

10:17 pm

Headmaster sent for me again. Once again, we had tea and
crumpets. He wanted to discuss how he loved a good chase. A chase of what…he
never mentioned. He went on and on about chasing, catching and enjoying.
Honestly, the man is completely off his rocker. No matter, I need to explain
what I have done to take care of one Ms. KIA! I apparated to Diagon Alley and
went to a shop there called Messages by Magical Creatures. I have hired a
Leprechaun to do a striptease in front of all of our colleagues in the Great
Hall. I bet that will quell her desires and prevent that Gryffindor courage
from responding. I truly love being a cunning Slytherin.

 

 

August 4

 

8:05 am

Today is the day. I shall be wearing my finest smirk today.

 

2:26 pm

Dear Morgana…that was the funniest thing I have ever seen.
He swished and flicked like Filibus Flitwick during a ridiculous charm’s lesson.
First time, I have had any desire to watch any type of “silly wand waving” in
years. She was completely embarrassed. That should be that, the fat lady has
belted her last note. ~Finis~

 

7:41 pm

Damn mutt has to stick his nose in other people’s business.
Thinks he’s Miss Bushy’s guardian now…He should be glad Dumbledore saved his
flea-bitten arse. I was ready to hex him into next week. I’m going to take a
nice, relaxing bath of chamomile oil and get some slumber.