Fucking with Snape

Fucking with Snape
Chapter Seven
Valentines Day Ball

A/N: This chapter will be narrated by both Hermione and Severus. Oh, and I couldn\'t resist in regards to the band for the ball--you\'ll see. ~smiles~

I don\'t understand why I am this nervous. I mean, it\'s not like I am about to get married or anything. I am not in danger of getting expelled. I don\'t even think that I will get a detention, for I am sure that Headmaster knows what is afoot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he participated, he just has that sense of humor.

I am nervous because I am so excited, I suppose. I don’t think that anything like this has ever been done before. I certainly haven\'t read about it in \' Hogwarts, A History\' but then again, why would the pranking of a professor be mentioned? If it were spectacular enough a prank, perhaps it would earn a mention in some future edition.

Hermione, my dear girl, stop talking to yourself and finish your preparations. Just a few more swishes and a few more flicks, and you begin the events that will go down in history. The Gryffindor who out Slytherined a Slytherin.

Hopefully it won\'t be a posthumous honor. And there we are, all done. I must say that it is rather erm disturbing gazing into a mirror and instead of seeing my usual face seeing the countenance of the surly Potions master gazing back at me. I blink, he blinks at the same time. I smile and he smiles at the same time. His smile isn’t really all that bad. I hope he can take looking at himself smile all evening, because I can’t seem to stop. Well enough preening (honestly Mione think like Snape. There’s a man who would never preen) it’s time to make my entrance into the common room so that I can inspect the results of my brilliant plan.

And wow!

I just love it when a plan comes together as well as this one appears to have. I cannot believe my eyes as I gaze down from the landing, down into the Gryffindor common room and into a sea of black relieved only by the occasional stuffed vulture hat. I cannot help but cackle. Maniacally.

\"Oy! Mione!\" Ron\'s voice has sent me into a fresh gale of cackling. I mean really, Ron’s voice coming from Snape\'s body. \"Do we really have to wear these ruddy dresses? Why can\'t you girls wear this?\"

\"Yes Ron, you do,\" I answer him as I descend the stairs, \"because it\'s much better this way. Girls are Snape as Snape and boys are Snape as Boggart. Don\'t you dare faint Neville!\"

Really, that boy just makes me want to hex the crap out of him sometimes! The clock chimes and we all look at it. It was time to head for the Great Hall and the Valentines Feast slash Ball. If Snape doesn\'t kill me it ought to be fun, Dumbledore has hired this awesome band and I have already promised the first dance to Severus. Of course he is completely unaware of this little fact.

I take one last glance in a mirror and shiver at the face looking back at me, smiling. Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely too good at charms. It was so easy to teach this particular one, I just passed it along to each houses\' prefect. I hope that the other houses will impress me as much as the Griffies have.

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I hate chaperoning these events. The only saving grace, as it were, is the facat Iat I have the delightfulk ofk of being able to catch snogging students. I love taking house points; it\'s one of the few reasons why I continue teaching. That and the food isn\'t bad either.

The Great Hall looks as if the walls have been washed down Pepto Bismol. Albus really has a gift for overdoing the decorations. I sometimes wonder if he may have some homosexual proclivities, in spite of his frequent snogging with Minerva. I shan\'t journey into that territory. No, instead I am currently pacing the floor, perhaps if I keep moving the decorations won\'t look so bad.

As I was saying, the Great Hall looks absolutely disgusting and I hate chaperoning these events. I do, however, have something to keep my mind occupied.


I am going to kill the Granger bitch! I don\'t care if I get time in Azkaban for it. Nervy little bitch! It\'s bad enough that I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning, but now I am now graced with the presence of five hundred of me as well as another five hundred or so of me in..drag.

After I kill Granger I am going to kill Lupin and Longbottom. Fucking Boggarts-Heavens forbid Longbottom think of Dumbledore dressed in drag. Oh no. It must be me, evil, snarky me. All I have ever tried to do is teach the nincompoop. I can\'t help it if he\'s lily livered. How he ended up in Gryffindor is beyond me. Hufflepuff would have suited him better.

After I kill Granger, Lupin and Longbottom I am going to kill Albus. Why you ask?

The fucking band, that\'s why.

What ever possessed the man to hire The Vampire Lestat? Granger probably. Do you have any idea how twisted it is to see yourself squealing at a singing vampire? In a high pitched, nails on chalkboard sound that only adolescent females can make? Well multiply that by five hundred and you might have a fair picture of the scene before me.

Or how about five hundred or so of you..Gods they call that dancing?

I mean, was the Lockhart thing all that bad? She took advantage of his mucking it up and got me with my own, didn\'t she? Hell I\'m the one who had to put up with all of the questions concerning my upcoming nuptials. I\'m the one who had to suffer the humiliation of having to justify any point removals and detentions to Albus Bloody Dumbledore.

And now I have to listen to vampire music..this Goth crap what ever that is.

Oh goody I am approaching me and I\'m ..smiling?

\"Hiya Professor! Having fun?\"

Oh joy. It\'s the bitch herself. I don\'t smile back. \"No.\"

\"Oh I am so sorry,\" her voice dripped sarcasm and if it weren\'t for the fact that I was talking to me in Grangers voice I\'d be ticked off. As it is, I am rather amused.
\"I\'m sure,\" I returned successfully keeping the laughter out of my voice.

\"Well how about a dance then, to cheer you up?\" she asks and looks over her shoulder at the group of me as they attempted to inflict bodily harm on each other in time to the music.

\"That is not dancing.\"

She..I laugh at me. \"No. That\'s moshing.\"

\"I don\'t mosh, Miss Granger.\"

\" I should hope not Severus. It looks most dangerous.\"

Was that? No it can\'t possibly be, \"Madam Pomphrey?\"

“Good evening Severus, having a nice time?” she asked by way of an answer to my astonished question

Let me take this moment to ask you, my friends for a favor. Do you love me? Do you? Well, when you see me next in Hogsmeade would you do me a favor? Kill me, please! Hex me, curse me, throw a shrinking potion on me I don’t care-just please kill me. I am a clever wizard to be sure, but I don’t think that I can possibly top this and the thought of Granger winning this war just irks me beyond all description. Not that I will ever let that chit of a Gryffindor think that she has bested me. But that should go with out saying. Spastpaste one of my milder scowls (one that all who have known me for a while will mistake as a pleased expression) and answer in my best classroom voice, “Why Poppy you know how much I enjoy these events. So much so that once this little charm of Miss Granger’s wears off I will do her the honor of taking her up on her offer to dance,”

I can’t tell you how hard it is not to actually laugh at Miss Granger’s reaction to hearing my words. The poor thing is actually sputtering and rather indignant. Oh goody.

“Do me the honor? Little charm? W-why you conceited little-“

“Ah ah ah Miss Granger, watch how you address a teacher.”

What the perfect moment for Albus to poke his snout, posing as mine for the moment, into our tet a tet. I’m not at all surprised that he and Minerva have participated in this little prank, they are perverse enough for it. Well at least we don’t have to worry about an affinity for goats with this particular Dumbledore thank all the Gods, just a very odd sense of humor.

“Sorry Professor Dumbledore, sir,” she had the good grace to mumble. “But really sir-“

“Yes yes dear girl I understand. He is rather conceited at times. Aren’t you Severus? Now Miss Granger, when is this marvelous charm of yours to wear off?” he continued ignoring my deepening scowl.

“In about ten minutes or so, sir.”

“Very well then, Miss Granger. I for on loo looking forward to seeing Professor Snape, what is that Muggle term-ah oh yes, getting his groove on. Aren’t you Minerva?”

Dearest reader, there is a reason why I do not cackle. It is most unbecoming you understand and something more associated with the female persuasion. Minerva, in spite of the fact that at this moment she resembles myself however, is now cackling. Deeply. At the mental image she has conjured of me.. getting my groove on. I am going to kill Albus one day. In the interim, however, there is only one way to play this out.

“Then I hope that the performance will delight yod Mid Minerva, Albus.” It really is the only answer I can give at the moment.

Not really caring if I appear to be acting rudely, which is of course my normal behavior, I turn on my heel and stalk away. I need a drink so I am now headed to the refreshment table, where Madam Hooch, thank the Gods is spiking her punch with her usual fire whiskey. Not wishing to take the time to ponder on the irony of her name and her love of a good stiff drink I instead tell her how delighted I am to see that she has chosen not to participate in this rather childish prank of Miss Grangers. I then proceed to tap my goblet against hers and she, much to my delight, obliges me by pouring a dollop or two from her flask. While she is pouring she shatters my last illusion of the evening by answering my compliment (yes I am capable of giving them) with,

“Oh really Sev. You ought to lighten up. I can’t have you thinking all well of me, however. The only reason I haven’t participated is that I am horrible at charms as I am sure you well know. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’d be an eager participant.” She flashes me an apologetic smile, “Bottoms up, Sev.”

Bottoms up indeed. Wait a moment! Oh my dear Severus you truly are a brilliant wizard aren’t you? Yes I am but why I didn’t think of this sooner I cannot say. I don’t care anyway. I have thought of it at last, and it seems that I’m not out of this war yet. Nay for I shall end the war toniand and I shall be victorious!


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