Once in a Blue Moon (COMPLETE)

A/N: JNHC: I'm afraid I haven't heard of that song, but will see if I can track it down online. Thanks for your comments.

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The Story Remains the Same
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Remus didn’t bother going to the station to wave off the Hogwarts Express. Instead, he waited until the rest of the school had departed, dragged his trunk and belongings to the gates, and apparated to his house alone.

“So, what are you going to do now?” Romulus asked. “You’ll need to start looking for a job soon.”

Remus scowled as he shoved his trunk up against the wall. His bad mood had descended as soon as he had realised that he wasn’t going to see Sirius again for goodness knows how long, and it didn’t seem to be dissipating any time soon.

“I’m going out for a bit,” he announced, shrugging out of his school robes and replacing them with his regular ones.

“I heard from the Grey Lady that Flourish and Blotts are looking for someone to do deliveries of some of the more difficult books. The ones with protection spells on them are costing them too much in owls.”

Remus ignored him in favour of leaving the house and walking down the path towards The Three Broomsticks.

He was on his fifth glass of firewhiskey when Rosmerta suggested he might like to look at the lunch menu.

“I don’t want any lunch,” Remus snapped, pushing his glass across the bar and gesturing for her to refill it.

“You really should eat something,” Rosmerta advised. “How about a bowl of stew?”

“Just fill it up!” Remus snarled.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

Remus glared at the woman across the bar. “I’ve had enough of the lecture,” he told her, climbing, somewhat shakily down from his stool, and staggering across to the door.

If Rosmerta didn’t want to serve him any more, he would try The Hog’s Head. Aberforth didn’t care how drunk his customers were, not as long as they paid.

Romulus found him a short while before sunset. “Is this how it’s going to be then?” he asked impatiently.

“Fuck off!” Remus replied, downing the rest of his drink in one.

“Telling me to go away hasn’t worked yet,” Romulus pointed out. “You might be able to push everyone else away with those tactics, but it won’t work with me. Is there any particular reason for the drinking binge? Or are you just sulking?”

“Sulking?” Remus echoed with a bitter laugh. “Yeah, I guess werewolves are capable of sulking. It’s right up there with screwing up everybody’s lives. And I’m an expert at both.”

“Remus, you’re being an idiot!”

“I just wanted to be normal, but it’s too much to ask for, isn’t it? I’ll always be the freak. The werewolf. The murderer.”

“Yes, you’re a werewolf,” Romulus interrupted. “You’ve been one for over ten years, and it’s long past the time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and started to deal with it.”

“I deal with it,” Remus argued.

“No, you don’t!” Romulus insisted.

“Just leave me alone,” Remus said as Aberforth refilled his glass again.

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Aberforth told Romulus.

“I don’t need anyone keeping an eye on me,” Remus snarled. “I can take care of myself. I don’t need any of you, and I really don’t need Sirius Black.”

He took another swallow from his glass, wondering how many it would take to make him forget the whole sorry mess that was his life.

-o-xXx-o-

Sirius knew that he would have to collect his belongings from Grimmauld Place at some point, and swiftly decided that it would be better done sooner rather than later. He arrived at his parents’ home, still thinking of it as his own, on the first morning after arriving back in London.

“Sirius!” Walburga greeted him with a wide smile. “I’m delighted you haven’t forgotten your poor mother. Haven’t you grown?”

Sirius frowned, wondering what visitors his mother had. It was the only explanation for her gushing greeting.

“Why don’t you come through and say hello to Celeste and Cecily?” Walburga continued, ushering him into the receiving room.

Sirius’s frown deepened at the names, and he knew that it couldn’t be a coincidence that Walburga was entertaining two females whose names were the same as Remus’s mother and sister.

Part of him wanted to continue upstairs to his room, but his curiosity and a lifetime of minding his manners won out, and he followed his mother into the receiving room.

Celeste Lupin was just as Sirius remembered, although this time he knew whom she was and was taking much more notice. His first impression of the woman was that she looked downright miserable and immensely irritated. He couldn’t say that he blamed her, since he felt much the same way whenever he had to spend time with his mother.

Cecily, on the other hand, looked cheerful and perky as she played on the hearthrug.

“So, you’re Sirius?” Celeste commented after the introductions had been made. Sirius couldn’t tell from her tone whether she considered this a good thing or a bad thing, and didn’t bother to ask. He merely nodded his response.

“Remus’s Sirius?” Cecily chirped.

Sirius smiled down at Remus’s sister. She had the blonde hair of her mother, but the eyes were definitely those of both the Lupin brothers. “I don’t know about being his,” he told her. “But I do know him.”

“Sirius!” Walburga hissed.

He looked up and saw his mother scowling at him in disapproval. Of course, she wouldn’t want anyone in society – even on the outskirts, as the Lupins were – to know about his so-called perversions.

Celeste was watching the exchange with interest, and he had the unsettling feeling that she was reading his thoughts and knew exactly what his interest in her son was.

“Celeste has invited the family to dinner this evening,” Walburga announced.

“All the family?” Sirius asked, scepticism evident in his voice.

“Your brother won’t be returning from school until tomorrow,” Walburga explained.

“You are most welcome to join your parents,” Celeste added.

“Sirius won’t be able to come tonight,” Cecily interrupted. “It’s the full moon.”

Celeste drew in a sharp breath, though Sirius knew that she must surely be aware that the Black family knew of her son’s condition.

“Sirius has to stay with Moony tonight,” Cecily continued, nodding vehemently. “Moony gets lonely.”

“It’s all right,” Sirius told her. “Moony doesn’t need me any more. I can come and have dinner with you tonight.”

“I’m not allowed to stay up to dinner,” Cecily explained.

“Well, perhaps I’ll see you another time?” Sirius suggested.

Cecily nodded eagerly. “You can tell me all about Remus. I don’t get to see him at all. Not like Rom.”

“That’s enough!” Celeste snapped.

“It’s quite all right,” Walburga consoled. “Children are sent to try us, after all.”

Celeste nodded understandingly. “So, we’ll expect you at seven?” she asked.

Walburga nodded, and Sirius wondered what he was letting himself in for.

After the Lupins had left, Sirius followed his mother into the living room, intending to find out why, all of a sudden, she was entertaining the Lupins. He didn’t waste any time in asking her.

“I entertain many people,” Walburga replied airily.

“You’ve never invited Remus’s family here before,” Sirius pointed out. “Even when he was staying with us, you never invited them. You only invite the most pure of the purebloods into the house, at least without an ulterior motive. Celeste is a half blood, so why does she get to visit?”

“Don’t be rude,” Walburga snapped. “I thought you might like to get to know the mother of man you’ve been sharing your bed with all this time.”

“I know as much as I want to know about Remus’s parents, thank you,” Sirius snapped. “Why did you really invite her?”

Walburga sniffed as she sat down on the sofa. “I didn’t. She arrived without invitation.” She screwed up her nose at this social faux pas.

“What did she want?”

“To invite us for dinner.”

“And?”

Walburga sighed. “She wants Romulus to stop visiting her home, and thought – since you know him – you might be able to speak to him about her concerns.”

“Romulus does what he wants,” Sirius told her.

Walburga shrugged. “It’s of no matter. She’ll speak to you about it over dinner; all you have to do is promise to speak with him.”

“And what’s in it for you?” Sirius asked suspiciously.

“For me?” Walburga replied with a smirk. “Why, I get to see inside the house of the infamous Lupins. I’ll be the most popular guest at parties for the rest of the summer.”

Sirius shook his head and turned to leave the room. Trust his mother to have selfish motives for anything she did.

“I’ll let you have the address before you leave,” Walburga said, crossing over to the desk for a quill and parchment. “You will be there, won’t you?”

Sirius nodded. “I’ll be there. There are a few things I’d like to say to John Lupin, and now is as good a time as any.”

“I’m afraid that won’t possible,” Walburga told him.

“Are you going to try to stop me from speaking my mind?” Sirius asked with a laugh of contempt.

Walburga shook her head. “John Lupin is out of the country at the moment. So, whatever you have to say to him will have to wait until another time.”

“Damn,” Sirius muttered.

-o-xXx-o-

“You’ve got to get him out of here.”

Remus turned slowly towards the man who had spoken. The customer was pointing in his direction.

“Come on,” Aberforth said. “You need to be getting home now.”

“I’ll go home when I’m ready to,” Remus snapped, slamming his glass down onto the bar to punctuate his sentence.

“If he’s not going, I am,” the other customer said. “I don’t fancy getting bitten by the village werewolf.”

Aberforth looked at the customer with annoyance. “You won’t get bitten,” he told him. “Remus is going to go home and lock himself up, aren’t you?”

Remus looked at Aberforth and saw that he had pulled out his wand and was pointing it at his throat.

“You’ve just lost track of the time, right?” he said. “Full moon’s nearly here.”

Remus looked out of the window and saw that the Aberforth was right. He had lost track of the time, and he didn’t even know where the day had gone. He had arrived at The Hog’s Head almost as soon as it had opened, still hung over from the previous day.

“Can I have a bottle to take with me?” he asked, throwing a few sickles onto the bar, his fingers fumbling too much to count out the exact change.

Aberforth nodded and reached for a bottle from behind him. “Now, hurry along,” he ordered, pointing his wand at the door.

Remus, grumbling under his breath, stumbled out of the bar, the ground weaving under his feet as he staggered home.

His trunk was still in the hallway, right where he had dumped it the previous morning, and he tripped over it, smashing his bottle of firewhiskey on the floor in the process. He crawled to his feet and stumbled his way towards the kitchen. His hand was bleeding from where he had cut it on the broken bottle and he was concentrating on that as he fell once more, this time because of a chair that was sticking out from under the table.

He fell to the floor with a crash, his head hitting the hard tiles with a crack.

The blackness of unconsciousness enveloped him, and he was still lying prone on the kitchen floor when the full moon rose.

There are few things that can pull someone back to consciousness quickly, and none of them particularly pleasant. Changing into a werewolf was one of those things, and the pain in Remus’s head paled in comparison to the transformation yanking him forcefully back to reality.

“Rem, the basement,” Romulus cried urgently.

Remus felt the coldness of the ghostly hands trying unsuccessfully to lift him and manually drag him down the stairs. His head was aching, along with every other bone in his body. He wondered why his skin wasn’t itching, then he realised that the fur had already sprouted all over his body. It was the last conscious thought he had before his mind slipped away completely.

The wolf howled as he sat back on his haunches and rejoiced in his freedom. There were so many new things to see, to smell and to explore. He howled again.

“Moony,” a familiar voice said, and the wolf looked at the misty being hovering before him. This was the one who liked to play with him. He whined and leapt towards him, scattering furniture in his wake.

They kept this up for a long time, until finally Moony realised that he could do more than run around the kitchen and bolted for the living room, and the front door beyond it, wide open and inviting for the normally captive wolf.

The dark haired one wasn’t here, and Moony wondered where he was. It seemed like forever since he had been here with him. He trotted towards the door, sniffing and searching for the one that was missing.

“No!” his playmate yelled. “Moony, this way!”

The wolf turned in the hallway, cocking his head at the different tone of voice. It wasn’t enough to tempt him back into the kitchen though, not when freedom was beckoning him.

He turned back towards the open door, but before he reached it something else caught his eye and he stared at the bright green flames that had appeared at the other side of the room.

Then someone else was there, someone different, someone he didn’t recognise, someone small and human.

He growled and stalked towards her.

“Cecily!” the misty one yelled, swooping towards Moony as he pointed the way for the newcomer to go.

Moony growled at his playmate, angry that he was depriving him of his prey.

“In there,” the traitor said, pointing towards a door. “Go through to the bathroom and lock it behind you.”

Moony charged after her, but the furniture slowed him down too much, and the door was already closed when he reached it. He howled in frustration and clawed at the wood.

“Moony, come here!” the traitor called. “Come on, come play through here.”

Moony howled again and threw himself against the door. Why would he want to play through there, when there was easy prey so close by?

He howled and charged the door again and again, scratching at the wood, trying to claw his way through the door.

Then his prey started screaming on the other side of the door. The sounds of her cries drowned out the sounds of other intruders, and he didn’t know he was being stalked until the moment he was hit with several stunning spells, knocking him out for the rest of the night.

-o-xXx-o-

Remus opened his eyes and groaned loudly. The headache was the worst he had ever had, and he wondered what had happened.

“Shit!” he said as he realised that he wasn’t in the basement. Instead, he was lying on his bedroom floor, naked, cold, and very confused.

He sat up and looked around him. The bathroom door was battered and scratched, and Remus traced the newly gouged grooves with his fingers.

He could hear voices coming from the kitchen, and recognised one as belonging to Romulus.

Remus leaned on his hand to stand up, only then realising that it was cut up. He went to the bedside table for his wand, but soon realised that it wasn’t there. Since he had no idea where it was, he hurriedly dressed and walked through to the kitchen in search of both his wand and answers.

She was older now, but he recognised Cecily at once. She was sitting at the kitchen table, and Remus noticed that that was looking rather battered, too.

“See, it’s all right,” Romulus said to Cecily. “It’s just Remus.”

Cecily nodded, although the look on her face was still one of fear.

Romulus turned to Remus with a glare. “Your wand is in the hallway,” he said coldly. “You dropped it there when you fell over your trunk last night.”

“What happened?” Remus asked, smiling at Cecily before turning to his brother. “What’s she doing here?”

Romulus turned to glare at him. “Cecily saw Sirius yesterday. He happened to mention that he wouldn’t be here during the full moon, and so she came to keep Moony company. Just a shame that you weren’t showing the same selfless consideration for others last night. You were too drunk to get to the basement in time for the transformation.”

Remus felt the world beginning to sway around him and he grasped at the back of a chair. “Are you all right?” he asked Cecily.

“How do you think she is?” Romulus hissed. “She’s eight years old and she came face to face with a grown werewolf last night!”

Remus looked at Cecily, who was cringing away from him ever so slightly. “Oh, Cecily, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he crouched down beside her. “You shouldn’t have come here, especially not on the full moon.”

“I didn’t want Moony to be lonely,” Cecily replied, tears leaking out of her eyes.

Romulus coughed. “Remus, do something useful and get the floo powder out of the cupboard so that she can go home.”

“Why didn’t she go home as soon as she arrived?” Remus asked.

“Because she was too busy running from you,” Romulus pointed out impatiently. “She made it into the bathroom and I got help from the village. They knocked you out with some stunning spells, but Cecily was too scared to come out of the bathroom until you were changed back.”

“Oh.”

“Now, go get the floo powder so she can go home. I’ll make sure she gets there.”

Remus nodded and slowly made his way into the living room, reaching up to the top of the cupboard and pulling down the jar of floo powder. Cecily followed with Romulus, and Remus tried not to notice the way she flinched when she approached him.

The moment she had disappeared through the fireplace, Romulus turned to Remus with another glare. “Your wand’s in the hallway. I suggest you start cleaning this place up until I come back.”

Remus looked at the torn fabric of the sofa, the broken chairs and cracked ornaments, and sighed.

“Don’t even think of skiving off,” Romulus warned. “Because you’re already in more than enough trouble.”

Remus watched as Romulus vanished, and he put the rest of the floo powder away with a groan of pain at the movement.

He found his wand, next to his battered trunk, in the hallway, but he could not concentrate on any spells at all. The only thing that was going through his mind was what had happened the night before, and how he had come far too close to killing his little sister… or worse, making her like him.

All he had wanted to do was forget his problems, but instead he had doubled them.

Instead of keeping everyone safe, he had put his sweet little sister in the worst kind of danger imaginable. His stomach churned as he recalled the marks on the bathroom door, and the room began to sway around him again.

He dropped his head into his hands and drew in a deep breath.

He was still sitting on the living room sofa when Romulus reappeared.

“I didn’t scratch her, or bite her, did I?” he asked, before Romulus had the chance to speak.

“What’s this?” Romulus asked sarcastically. “Remus Lupin thinking of someone other than himself? Well, there’s a first!”

“Did I bite her?” Remus repeated. “Just tell me!”

“No, she’s a fast runner, and a damn good job she is, too.”

Remus nodded and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Do you have any injuries that require immediate attention?” Romulus asked.

Remus shook his head.

“Good. And, so it doesn’t distract you from what I’m about to say, I’ll tell you that the villagers who stopped you last night have all confirmed they won’t be reporting you to the Ministry. Hopefully they’ll keep their word. Dad’s away, so he won’t know what happened, and Mum doesn’t want to put Cecily through the ordeal of a trial at the Wizengamot, so there shouldn’t be any repercussions over last night.”

Remus hadn’t even thought about that possibility, but before he could feel any real relief, Romulus was looming over him, a hard and cold expression on his face.

“You listening?” he asked, and Remus nodded nervously in response. From the look on his brother’s face, this was not going to be something he wanted to hear. “Good. Remus, you’re my brother, and you know I love you, and it’s because of that I’m going to say what has to be said.”

Remus nodded again and looked away, unable to keep up eye contact in the face of his brother’s anger.

“You are a selfish little bastard!” Romulus barked. “How Sirius has come to love you as much as he does quite frankly astounds me, because – Merlin knows – you sure as hell don’t deserve it.”

“Sirius-” Remus began, but was immediately cut off.

“Shut up!” Romulus roared. “I’ve not finished; I’ve barely even started. It’s probably partly my fault for letting you get away with so much in the past, but it ends right now. I can’t seem to stop you from ruining your own life, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch you ruin anyone else’s.”

“I don’t mean to. I only wanted to-”

“I don’t care what you meant to do! Cecily could have died last night, and all because you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself to get down to the bloody basement in time.”

“I-”

“Don’t interrupt!” Remus shrank back into the sofa and cringed. “I should have stepped in ages ago, but I thought that you were punishing yourself so much you didn’t need me adding to your guilt. I see now how wrong I was. How many more people are going to get hurt, or worse – killed – before you grow up and start acting like an adult, instead of a spoilt little brat?”

Remus shook his head slightly, not sure if Romulus was expecting an answer to his question or not.

“You’ve treated your best friend like dirt, and your girlfriend even worse, and all because you want to be normal. Well, Remus, it’s long past time you realised that you’re not normal, and you never will be. You’re a werewolf, and you fancy blokes and well as women, deal with it! I’ve told you for years that the wolf doesn’t make you a monster, but right now, when you endanger your own sister through your selfishness, I’m not so sure you weren’t right after all. Greyback’s a monster because he takes what he wants and doesn’t care who gets hurt by the wolf along the way, and right now I’m not seeing that much difference between him and you.”

“I’m not like Greyback!” Remus shouted, rising to his feet. “I’m not!”

“Greyback didn’t take the appropriate precautions on the night of the full moon and bit you, a six year old child,” Romulus replied, advancing on Remus again, and driving him back down onto the sofa. “Last night you were the one who didn’t take the precautions and nearly bit an eight year old girl. Tell me, Remus, what difference is there?”

“I didn’t mean to! I’m not like him!”

“The only difference I can see, is that you at least show a little remorse for what happened. Don’t you think that maybe he did at first, too? Before it got too much trouble to worry about others, Greyback probably regretted the occasional near miss, until he started chalking up his nice long list of victims.”

“I’d never want to hurt Cecily, or anyone.”

“But you did,” Romulus pointed out. “And if you ever pull a stunt like you did last night again, I’ll hand you over to the Ministry myself.”

Remus shook his head rapidly. “It won’t happen again; I swear it - it won’t.”

“Now, clean this place up and sort yourself out.”

Remus nodded and stood up. He wished more than anything that he could turn back the clock. He also realised that he was missing Sirius far more than he had ever thought he would. He wanted to see him, to hear his voice, to feel the touch of his hand.

“I miss him,” he whispered as he pointed his wand at the sofa and sloppily stitched it back up.

Romulus was unsympathetic. “You’ve only got yourself to blame.”

“What do you think I should do about him?”

“Nothing,” Romulus replied. “Leave him alone; let him get on with his life.”

“But-” It was on the tip of his tongue to tell his brother that he was in love with Sirius, but for some reason the words wouldn’t come.

“But what?”

“Nothing,” Remus muttered, as he turned towards the coffee table that was now missing a leg.

There were a few items that spells wouldn’t be able to repair, and Remus forced himself to go into the village to replace them.

As he passed The Three Broomsticks he caught sight of Rosmerta and recalled the way he had spoken to her the last time he had seen her. Waves of guilt poured over him, and he turned on his heel to try to set things right.

“We’re closed,” Rosmerta told him as soon as he poked his head round the door.

“I just wanted a quick word,” Remus replied.

Rosmerta nodded. “Make it quick, I’ve lots to do today.”

Remus slipped through the door and shuffled his feet nervously. “I just wanted to apologise for the other day.”

Rosmerta looked a little surprised, but nodded in response. “Don’t worry about it,” she said with a sigh. “You aren’t the first drunk I’ve had to deal with, and you won’t be the last. Making the rounds, are you?”

Remus felt his face flushing as he realised that he also owed apologies to Aberforth and those who had stunned him the previous night. “It won’t happen again,” he assured her as he walked back towards the door.

His next stop was The Hog’s Head. Aberforth took his apology in much the same way as Rosmerta had, but adding that he wouldn’t be serving him again on any day of the full moon. Remus nodded. He had no problem with that, and told him as much.

“Was there something else?” Aberforth asked.

Remus nodded. “I was wondering if you knew who it was that came up to the house last night and stopped me?”

“Well, I was one of them, plus a few of the regulars who were still here at last orders.”

Remus looked at the regulars that Aberforth had nodded towards, and saw that they were all looking at him curiously.

“I wanted to apologise for that, too,” Remus said. “And to thank you for what you did.”

“Don’t mention it,” Aberforth mumbled, seemingly slightly embarrassed by Remus’s declaration.

“Just don’t do it again,” one of the wizards at the end of the bar called across.

“I hope I didn’t scare anyone too much,” Remus added.

The wizard snorted with laughter. “I’m an ex-Auror, nothing much scares me these days. Though it took all my willpower just to stun you, instead of killing you. Can’t say I’ll be able to promise to hold back if it happens a second time.”

Remus nodded. “It won’t happen again.”

The wizard didn’t look like he entirely believed him, but nodded grudgingly.

“Is there anyone else I need to thank?” Remus asked Aberforth.

“Nah, we’re all here,” Aberforth told him. “So, how angry was that brother of yours?”

“Very,” Remus admitted with a cringe.

Aberforth nodded. “Guess you’d better get back home again then, before he thinks your hitting the bottle again.”

Remus, knowing he was right, said his goodbyes and headed back home.

Romulus was waiting for him when he arrived. “Where’ve you been?” he barked impatiently.

Remus held up his newly purchased items. “Shopping,” he said.

Romulus grunted a little. “I don’t suppose you bothered to apologise to the villagers whilst you were down there?”

“I spoke with Rosmerta, and Aberforth and the men who came up here to stop me.”

Romulus looked surprised at his reply. “Oh.”

Remus cringed again at the knowledge that his brother apparently thought so little of him, he hadn’t even considered that he might already have spoken to the villagers.

He placed his shopping on the sofa and turned back into the hallway, where his trunk was still sitting. He sighed and dragged it into his bedroom, knowing that he could no longer put off unpacking it. It was either that, or force himself to do the laundry and he was feeling far too tired to bother with the latter.

He frowned at the contents of the trunk; he didn’t remember them being quite so messy when he’d closed it the night he’d packed. Slowly and half-heartedly he pulled out his shirts and trousers that were mixed up with spell books, items from Zonkos that had never been used, and a variety of other things that had somehow found their way into his possession. He pulled out a pale pink bra that he didn’t recognise and saw the name L Evans magically stitched into it.

“What the…?” muttered Remus as he tossed it to one side, making a mental note to deliver it onto James the next time he saw him. He didn’t fancy passing it onto Lily herself. She’d no doubt want to know just precisely how it had come to be in his possession, and he honestly had no idea at all.

He’d just finished putting away the last of his shirts, and was about to make a start on sorting out the assortment of odd socks, when he spotted something in his trunk that he was sure hadn’t been there before.

Hidden between the various seventh year textbooks were several worn and battered books that looked very familiar. He’d seen them on many occasions over the years; they were normally stored on Sirius’s bedside table, magically locked from the curious and prying eyes of others.

There were seven of them, tied together with a long and fraying piece of string, with a piece of parchment attached.

Remus frowned as he pulled the journals out of the trunk and opened the parchment.

Remus,

These are my journals of my years at Hogwarts. They are yours now. Do with them what you wish. Read them, store them, burn them…I leave the choice with you.

If you want to read them, the password is Toujours pur. You can blame my parents for that one.

Sirius

Remus looked at the journals in astonishment. Sirius’s journals were amongst his most prized possessions. Barely a day had passed without him scribbling down his thoughts in them. Why would he now want Remus to have them?

Unpacking and the rest of the chores were now the last thing on Remus’s mind and his eyes were constantly straying to the journals, wondering whether he had the courage to read them… whether he even had the right to.

He wanted you to have them a small inner voice reminded him. What are you afraid of? That he’ll have written about how much he loves you? You knew that already!

“Damn it,” Remus muttered as he tossed his ties into a drawer and grabbed the oldest journal.

“Toujours pur,” he whispered as he tapped the book with his wand. The book opened slowly and Remus looked for the first time on the writings of the eleven year old Sirius Black.

My father says that all Black heirs keep a journal of their thoughts and achievements. He gave me this empty journal today and told me to keep it.

My name is Sirius Black and I am the eldest heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

Remus smiled at the formality of the first entry before settling back on his bed with the book and delving into it, reading a passage here and there, memories flooding back with each entry he read.

He read about Sirius’s summer before they had met, and the young Black’s awe and joy at seeing and attending Hogwarts. His heart wrenched as he read of Sirius’s first difficult days, and he recalled his anger at his friend’s treatment by the rest of the Gryffindors.

Even though he knew that they had eventually become friends, he felt tears forming at the corners of his eyes when he saw the stains of Sirius’s own long ago shed tears on so many pages of the journal.

Although Sirius had told him at the time what it had been like during his first year at Hogwarts, it was only when reading the journals that Remus realised just how lonely Sirius had been. Young and proud, the young Sirius Black had tried his best to let no one see how much the other boys upset him. Only Remus had found a way past his armour.

Remus frowned as he read about Sirius’s mother and her reaction to the Sorting Ceremony. Uncompromising and highly prejudiced against the other houses, it was clear that from the moment Sirius had worn the Sorting Hat he had changed in the eyes of his family. No longer proud of and doting on their eldest son, Walburga and Orion Black had instead begun to treat him as someone with an unforgivable flaw.

Sirius had rarely opened up about his family, especially in the early days, and the only comments he made later were blithe and offhand, and not really made to give any great insight into his relationship with his parents. It was only now, as Remus read about them in Sirius’s own words, words he had no doubt thought only he would ever see, that he realised just how cruel and uncaring the Blacks were towards their own sons.

He didn’t know which of the boys he felt more sorry for. Regulus, who had the unfortunate luck to be born a squib, and had been treated like an outcast ever since it was realised, or Sirius, who had been publicly sorted into a house that wasn’t Slytherin, and was clearly not like the rest of his family.

Remus continued to turn the pages, thoroughly engrossed. It was strange to read about himself from Sirius’s point of view, and he soon realised that despite his own loneliness that first year, Sirius was even more so. Remus had felt lonely because he was not allowed to attend school with the other boys his own age. Sirius on the other hand was unfortunate enough to be alone, despite the crowd of people around him.

He smiled to himself as he read about Sirius’s joy and elation at finding out he lived so close to the school. He was glad they had found each other, in spite of how things now were between them.

He shook his head as he read about Sirius’s wild speculations about why he wasn’t allowed to attend Hogwarts.

“You could give Rita a run for her money if you went into journalism,” he said to himself as he chuckled over the entries.

“What’s that about Rita?” Romulus asked, causing Remus to jump in surprise. “I thought you were tidying up in here?”

Remus explained what he had found and the reason for his comment. “Just some of Sirius’s speculations about why I didn’t go to Hogwarts. Rita could take a few tips from his imagination, one of his suggestions is that I was too powerful and might screw up everyone else’s magic because of my untamed power.”

Romulus laughed. “And this was after he met you?”

“Ha ha ha,” muttered Remus, though inside he was pleased that his brother seemed to have calmed down a great deal. “It might have been true.”

“He never guessed the real reason though, did he?”

“No, he didn’t know the truth until second year when he saw me on the full moon night.”

Remus looked about the room and realised that despite his previous good intentions, he was already slacking with his work. “I guess I should get back to the unpacking,” he said, closing the book.

Romulus looked at the journal, still in his hands, and shook his head. “Maybe reading those, and seeing yourself from Sirius’s point of view will help,” he suggested.

“Help with what?”

“Help to see yourself as you really are,” Romulus replied.

Remus put aside the first year book, and picked up the second, not entirely sure he wanted to see himself through Sirius’s eyes. However, curiosity spurred him to find the entry for the night Sirius had raced to his basement, fearing that his friend was in trouble.

…

I found out last night why Remus doesn’t go to school. He’s a werewolf. Remus was scared that I’d not be his friend any more if I found out about him being a werewolf. I was really scared at first, but I told him that we would always be friends. Romulus is taking Remus away though. He thinks I’m going to tell the Ministry because he knew I was scared of Remus. He doesn’t trust me. Me and Remus will stay in contact with our mirrors. No matter what we will always be friends.

…

“It looks like he really believed that when he wrote it,” Remus whispered sadly.

Romulus nodded. “He probably did.”

Remus sighed. “When did it all go wrong?” he asked. “I keep thinking about it and I just wish I could see when it all went wrong, so I could put it right again.”

“Maybe the answer is in those?” Romulus suggested, gesturing to the journals.

“Maybe,” Remus replied quietly and he began to read again, dipping into first one journal and then another. It was starting to grow dark when he picked up the third journal and he broke off briefly to light the lamps.

He read about Sirius’s worry for him as he hid, first in the forest, then in the school itself.

He was relieved that Sirius had never confided in him his uncertainty with regard to the spells and potions he used to heal him after the full moons. He had always seemed so quietly confident when tending to him. He had calmed him and healed him with an efficiency that rivalled any of the healers of St Mungo’s. Remus had had no idea how unsure he had once been of which potions and spells to use. It seemed that the Black confidence had taken one battering too many, and it had apparently taken a while before Sirius had been sure of his own judgement.

Remus read on, long into the night. Sometimes Romulus stopped by to check on him, but mostly he was alone with his thoughts… or more accurately, Sirius’s thoughts.

When he reached the entry where Sirius spoke of Romulus coming back to him as a ghost, his hands began to shake and he stopped reading for several minutes, unable to compose himself long enough to focus on the page.

…

Remus’s brother came back today. He’s a ghost. He won’t tell me what happened. Remus is really ill and I don’t think he has realised yet that Romulus is stuck as a ghost forever. I never heard of a ghost being given a second chance to move on. I don’t want to tell Remus this because he is really upset and blames himself. Romulus told him that it wasn’t his fault and so did I, but he doesn’t believe either of us.

…

“You’re wrong,” Remus muttered to himself as he looked at the page. “It was all my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Romulus said from beside him. Remus hadn’t even noticed that he had drifted into the room once again. “I made my own choices. I knew the risks I was taking, and I don’t regret any of them.”

“But if it weren’t for me, you’d still be alive. You might be married, with children of your own.”

“I might at that,” Romulus commented. “But I’d have regrets if I were, because I’d always wonder if I’d done everything I could to save my little brother.”

Remus brushed aside a stray tear and turned back to the journal.

He had sometimes wondered when it was that Sirius had realised that he liked other boys instead of girls. Certainly it was a hell of a lot earlier than he had. Sirius had always said he wasn’t sure and that he’d wondered, on an off, since third year.

Now, reading the journals, Remus could see the whole process of realisation for himself, beginning with his worry after Rita’s thoughtless gossip printed in the school newsletter.

…

Rita wrote a piece in the school newsletter about me. She was hinting stuff about me liking boys and not girls. I wish she hadn’t done it. Now everyone thinks I’m a queer. Remus says I shouldn’t be bothered by what everyone else thinks…as long as I know it’s not true.

I was awake all night trying to think of a girl I might fancy. I can’t think of one. I’m scared that maybe Rita is right.

…

Remus squinted at the last line of the entry; a small frown on his face as he tried to make out the words that had been scribbled out. He wasn’t entirely sure, but he had a suspicion the line had once read, ‘I think I fancy Remus’.

“Damn,” Remus muttered as he struggled to make out the line.

“What is it?” Romulus asked from where he was lurking in the doorway again.

“Third year,” Remus replied absently. “Sirius thought he might fancy me way back in third year.”

“That’s quite a while.”

Remus nodded. It was starting to get really dark and his stomach growled in protest at the lack of sustenance. He reached for his wand and cast Accio to summon a sandwich from the kitchen.

He couldn’t believe that he’d read through almost three years of Sirius’s life in the space of less than a day. No the inner voice corrected. You were reading about your life. Remus frowned as he realised that Sirius’s journals were filled with writings about himself. As the years passed, the entries about the Blacks became fewer and fewer, until there was almost nothing about Sirius’s family or his other friends. Only Remus. Sirius had always been thinking about him, always considering him and his feelings. He had taken care of him, sheltered and protected him, and loved him.

-o-xXx-o-

The next day Remus didn’t even bother to pretend to himself that he had anything else he should or could be doing with his time. He grabbed a pile of food and settled down to pick up where he’d left off.

He read about Sirius’s joy at Remus joining him at Hogwarts, and in Gryffindor. From what Remus read, it was clear that Sirius had been as thrilled as himself when he had joined him at school.

He read about his joy at attending classes, his delight at handing in his first homework assignment, and his eagerness at finally being a real part of the wizarding world.

Reading about it again, Remus felt that same elation again. Nothing would ever make him forget his first wonderful months at Hogwarts.

He read through many of the entries for their fourth year and several from their fifth year through the course of the morning.

He knew what was coming up; it was clear that Sirius had written about everything in his journals, and for the first time Remus was unsure if he wanted to read further.

When he reached the start of March he marked the page and went for a walk to decide whether he wanted to read the rest at all.

“You’ve finished them already?” Romulus asked as Remus stepped out of the back door and leaned against the garden wall.

“Not yet. Taking a break.”

“Where’ve you read up to?”

“March of fifth year.”

“Ah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think it means?”

“I don’t know; that’s why I asked.”

“Fine, be obtuse if you like.”

“I’m not being obtuse.”

“Yes, you are, and it seems to me that you are putting off reading about what happened on your birthday, just like you’ve been putting off dealing with it properly ever since it happened.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then why are you down here with me, instead of reading those journals?”

“Fine, I’ll read them. I was going to anyway.”

Romulus smirked slightly.

“I was,” Remus insisted.

Romulus laughed and announced his intention to go and check on Cecily, leaving Remus to go back inside and pick up where he had left off.

…

It was Remus’s birthday today. I kissed him. He tasted like chocolate, which was probably the cake. He kissed me back a bit, but then he pushed me away and told me I’d had too much to drink. I think I scared him. I scared myself because I really liked it, and I can’t ever imagine kissing anyone else.

…

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Remus mumbled to himself after he’d finished reading the entry. He didn’t know why, but he had been dreading reading Sirius’s description of the kiss. He hadn’t known what to expect, a flowery description about tongues and stuff, or even worse a frank assessment of how good or bad a kiss it had been. He was thankful that Sirius had kept it brief and to the point.

It was only after the relief had passed that he re-read the entry, and realised that Sirius had been as scared as he had by what had happened that night by the common room fire.

Sirius hadn’t seemed scared. Remus had thought that he knew what he was doing; he’d certainly seemed to kiss with an expertise of having done it before. Remus was actually a little surprised to find that it had been Sirius’s first kiss as well as his own. Or at least it was the first one that Sirius had written about, and considering that Sirius seemed to include everything in his journals, it made sense that if there had been others, he would have written about those, too.

He felt a sharp twinge of guilt as he read of Sirius’s reaction to his bolt into the night and his rejection of his advances. He had never meant to hurt him, but now he knew for sure that he had.

He realised, for the first time, just how much courage it must have taken for Sirius to tell him how he felt, and he had thrown it back in his face, with barely a thought for the crushed feelings of his best friend.

He hoped he would one day have the opportunity to tell Sirius how sorry he was.

He read on with more than a little trepidation.

Remus reached the entry relating to the night he had crept into Sirius’s bed to tell him about his date with Charlene. Just like the entry about the kiss, this one was not particularly graphic in detail, although it was clear to anyone who read it what Sirius was referring to. Remus shifted slightly because the bed he was sitting on was suddenly far less comfortable than it had been.

“Damn,” he muttered under his breath, casting a cautious glance towards the door.

This wasn’t happening, he told himself. A few simple words about how they had rubbed up against each other for the first time was not turning him on.

He quickly moved on to the next entry, and was relieved to find that reading about Sirius’s inner turmoil over Charlene was as good as a cold shower.

Sirius’s jealousy spilled from every page, just as clearly as did his love for Remus.

Remus had never thought that he had flaunted his relationship with Charlene under Sirius’s nose, but now he wondered if he could have been a little more discreet in order to spare his best friend’s feelings.

Sirius’s jealousy soon gave way to his own though, when he read about how Sirius had confided in James about his feelings. It was clear that James had been far more understanding than Remus had, and he felt another stab of guilt.

He knew what was coming up, even as he continued to turn the pages that brought him towards the end of their sixth year. Even so, nothing could have prepared him for the entry when he finally reached it.

…

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I’ve really screwed up this time. I had sex with Remus. It was awkward and I’m scared I hurt him. I tried not to, but neither of us really knew how two blokes do it. I told him that I love him and he said it was only the wolf that made him do it. He thinks that Moony is gay but Remus is straight.

What the hell?!?!

I’ve been down in that basement every full moon for years. I’ve SEEN the wolf and I know the bloody difference.

Does he really think that the wolf would let me take charge of things and lie there all submissive whilst I fuck his brains out?

It was REMUS I was making love to. It was REMUS who was kissing me back.

Do I repulse him so much that he can’t bear to think of me touching him?

…

Remus looked at the page as the words sank in. He remembered the morning after that particular full moon as though it were yesterday. He wished that he had realised sooner how his words had been interpreted. Sirius had thought he was repulsed by his touch, and Remus couldn’t say that he blamed him for thinking that.

“It should be the other way round,” he whispered.

He was the werewolf here. He was the monster.

Remus read the entry for a second time. “You should have been repulsed by me,” he whispered to the empty room.

Remus wasn’t sure that he wanted to read any further, but he forced himself to continue.

Sirius’s jealousy, guilt and anger came through clearly as he had tried to justify Remus being with him at the same time as he was with Charlene. Because he didn’t believe that it was Moony he was with, he had found it far less easy to reconcile what they were doing with his own conscience.

He relived his own fears, as he read about Sirius’s own in the aftermath of the earthquake.

He was shocked to read that after Charlene had been bitten Sirius had even been jealous of that. Sirius knew that Charlene would understand Remus even better now that she was a werewolf, and actually wanted that kind of closeness himself.

He read long into the night and felt wave after wave of guilt wash over him as he read how Sirius had struggled with his feelings and coped with the repeated rejections.

When Remus read the entries that had been made after he had realised how he felt about Sirius, he was relieved to see that he had been successful in keeping his feelings hidden. It was clear that Sirius had no inkling of Remus being in love with him.

“It’s best that way,” Remus whispered as he turned one page after another. Then he came to an entry that made his blood run cold. He wasn’t sure he had read it correctly and had to go back to the top of the page and start over. A feeling of cold dread washed over him as his mind registered the words.

…

I’m worried about Remus. Since Charlie’s death he’s pushing everyone away from him, even me. It’s like he’s shut down his feelings altogether. I used to think that nothing was worse than only being able to love him around the full moons. I was wrong.

Remus used to worry that he was turning into a monster like Greyback. I always told him that he’d never be like him, but now I’m not so sure. Greyback isn’t a monster because he’s a werewolf; he’s a monster because of how he deals with it. I worry that Remus is starting to deal with it the same way. He’s shutting everyone out and turning into a loner like Greyback.

Why can’t I make him understand that he needs his friends around him?

He thinks that by letting me close he’s putting me in danger. I wish I could make him understand that he’s more likely to put people in danger if he keeps everyone away. He needs me to keep him safe and take care of him. He needs me – he needs somebody – to help keep him from turning into a monster like Greyback.

…

Remus shivered as he read the entry. He remembered what Romulus had said the previous morning, and realised that both his brother and Sirius had realised what he had not. By trying to keep Sirius safe, and by pushing him away, he was turning into the very thing he feared.

“I don’t want to be like him,” Remus said. He tightened his grip on the journal and fought the urge to throw it across the room. Eventually, the impulse passed, and he turned back to read the final entries of the journal, arriving at long last at the entry Sirius had made the night before he had left Hogwarts.

…

I’ll be leaving Hogwarts for the last time tomorrow. I’m not going to be taking my journals with me. I was going to burn them, but James saw me at the common room fire and stopped me. We had a long talk and he made me realise a few things and forced me to make some tough decisions.

I know now that I love Remus Lupin and probably always will. I also know that he’ll never love me back the way that I want him to.

I was looking back through my journals tonight and realised that they are full of him. They seem more like the story of his life than of mine. I guess it’s because he has been such a huge part of my life for the last seven years. If I take the journals with me then it’s like I’m still clinging to the hope that one day he’ll love me back. So, I’ve decided to make a clean break and move on with my life.

My uncle has left me some money and I’ve bought my own place. I’ve not even told James and Peter where it is yet. I need time on my own to sort my thoughts out and start living.

A part of me feels like I’m giving up, but James assures me that I’m not. I can tell he thinks I’m making the right choice.

The only thing I wasn’t sure about is what to do with these journals. James is the one that suggested Remus might like to have them…since they’re all about him anyway. So, after I’ve finished this final entry, I’m going to sneak them into Remus’s trunk and he can do whatever he likes with them.

Maybe he’ll simply burn them like I nearly did tonight. It would probably be best if he did. I suppose I’ll leave him the password so that he can read them if he wants. Not that I don’t think he’d be smart enough to crack it if I didn’t. If he hadn’t been in Gryffindor I’m sure he’d have been in Ravenclaw.

Remus, if you are reading this…

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry for calling you a coward.

I’m sorry I tried to make you feel something you didn’t for me.

I’m NOT sorry I love you, so please don’t ask me to apologise for that. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m only sorry I ruined it so badly.

If you still care anything for me please try to remember the good times we had together and not the bad.

Yours always,

Sirius Black

Remus’s hand was shaking as he turned the page to see whether there was anything else written.

There was nothing: no more anecdotes, no more declarations of love and no more apologies. Sirius had said everything he’d wanted to.

Remus didn’t notice the first tear falling until it hit the journal. At that moment it was like the breaking of a flood barrier and Remus sobbed as though his heart was breaking… and perhaps it was.