Once in a Blue Moon (COMPLETE)

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You Can’t Erase The Facts
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The seventh years were part jubilant and part depressed after the conclusion of the N.E.W.T. examinations. The eagerness to go out and make their mark on the world vied with the reluctance to leave the safety and security of the familiar environment of Hogwarts.

For Sirius, the end of his seven years at Hogwarts came with lots of troubling and conflicting thoughts.

He was relieved the exams were over, but was dreading his results. He thought he had done all right in most of his subjects, but the longer his thoughts lingered over the questions the less sure he was.

He wasn’t looking forward to returning to Grimmauld Place at all, but he was more than relieved that the visit would only be temporary… just long enough to collect his belongings and break the news to his parents that he was not planning on living there any more. He knew his father would try to remind him of the promise he had forced from him the Ministry, but Sirius had no intention of keeping it. The sooner he was away from Grimmauld Place, the better.

He would miss his friends and the company they provided whenever he wanted it, but he was also looking forward to a little peace, quiet and privacy.

Most of all, he would miss Remus, even though Remus seemed to be putting more distance between them with every passing day.

Sirius had never been much for idle dreams, but he had on occasion contemplated what it might be like to live with Remus after they left Hogwarts. Best friends often moved in together as they began to make their way in the world. Sometimes it was through necessity, other times it was through desire. In Sirius’s case it was definitely the latter.

He imagined them living together in a small flat, somewhere close to the city, where they could both find work without too much trouble. Somewhere they could disappear into the crowd.

He would do the cooking, since Remus was pretty useless at it, whilst Remus would do the cleaning since Sirius knew that Remus was the bigger slob between the two of them, although admittedly not by much.

They would have their owls and maybe a dog. They’d take walks in a nearby park and be on first name terms with all the local shop owners. Remus would charm them all right around his little finger, just like he had Sirius.

But, best of all, Sirius would be secure in the knowledge that Remus was his, and only his, and within the confines of their flat… no, their home… Remus would love him and they would build a life together.

Unfortunately, those idle dreams were as far from coming true as they had ever been.

Sirius had purchased a flat, sight unseen, just off of Diagon Alley. It wasn’t the best area of London, but it was convenient and well within his budget.

The only thing that was truly missing was the flatmate he wanted to share it with. He had briefly considered asking Remus to move in with him anyway, just as friends, but he knew that he would want more than that before too much time had passed.

So, he had decided, somewhat reluctantly not to offer his home to Remus. He wondered if Remus was even expecting him to, and a small part of him hoped that maybe Remus was disappointed that he hadn’t brought up the subject.

-o-xXx-o-

“She’s refused to move in, again,” James complained with as he barged into the dormitory two days before the end of term.

“How did you ask her this time?” Peter asked.

“Told her I couldn’t live without her,” James replied. “I said my blood would be on her hands if she left me to drown under the debris of junk at my place.”

“And she refused?” Sirius asked with feigned astonishment.

“What a shocker!” Peter commented, equally sarcastically.

“I know,” Sirius snickered. “I guess the thought of cleaning up after him just doesn’t do it for her.”

“At least I’ve asked the love of my life to move in with me,” James replied. “You still haven’t asked Remus, have you?”

“He’s not the love of my life,” Sirius replied. He cast a quick glance at Peter who raised an eyebrow, making it clear that he knew at least part of what had been going on between the two boys. “He’d refuse anyway; he has his own house, remember?”

“He could still live with you and come back up here on the full moons,” James pointed out. “Its not like Hogsmeade has any great employment opportunities and the nightlife is dead.”

“You weren’t saying that when we were sneaking out to the Hogs Head last week,” Peter pointed out with a laugh.

“Beggars can’t be choosers. Anyway, stop helping him to change the subject. Why haven’t you asked Remus to live with you? You can’t just leave him to wallow in self-pity out here in the middle of nowhere.”

“In case you’ve not noticed, we’re hardly talking these days.”

“And you’re both bloody miserable all the time.”

“Are not.”

“Are so.”

“Are not.”

“Are so.”

“Not.”

“So.”

Remus chose that moment to enter the dormitory, Lily having escorted him to the door. “Such a stimulating conversation,” Lily teased. “What are you arguing about?”

“Sirius was saying that he and Remus aren’t miserable,” Peter piped up, earning himself a thump on the arm from Sirius. “Well, you were.”

“I’m not miserable,” Remus said with a frown at Sirius.

“Not ‘alf,” James muttered. “Come on Peter, they’re going to be arguing again any minute. And Sirius… ask him!”

“Ask me what?” Remus asked as soon as the other two boys had gone, James dragging Lily along with him.

“Nothing, he’s just being a jerk.”

“He sounded pretty serious to me.”

“Lily turned him down again,” Sirius explained. “He retaliated against me and Peter teasing him by suggesting I should ask you to move into my new flat with me.”

Remus stopped rummaging around in the wardrobe and looked up at that. “You’ve got a flat?” he asked in surprise. “Your own place?”

“Bought and paid for last week,” Sirius replied with a nod.

“And you told James and Peter, but not me?”

“James saw me writing to the agent, and Peter seems to have realised some time this year that there’s something going on between us. Or that there was. They decided to gang up on me.”

“But you didn’t even mention you were looking for somewhere to live.”

“Like I’m going to go back home after what happened last summer,” Sirius muttered. “Uncle Alphard left me some money so that I could get out of there. I figured I would put it to good use.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You could have stayed at my place, there’s plenty of room.”

“I’m not a charity case,” Sirius snapped. “I can make my own way.”

“Charity?” Remus shook his head in astonishment. “Offering your best friend a place to stay isn’t charity.”

Sirius shrugged and sat down at his desk, picking up a quill to play with.

“What happened to us?” Remus asked quietly. “We used to be such good friends. Best friends, with no secrets.”

“You know what happened.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t understand what went wrong.”

“I fell in love with you,” Sirius whispered. “That’s what happened. I ruined everything we had by falling in love with my best friend.”

Remus walked over to Sirius and perched on the edge of his bed. “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

“You don’t need to tell me that,” Sirius snapped. “Do you ever wish you could just go back and do things over again?”

“Sometimes.”

“What would you change?”

“I’d not have let Charlene anywhere near my basement, not ever.”

“Do you miss her very much?”

“Yes. She livened the place up, and the team isn’t the same without her.”

“At least the team won the cup for her this year,” Sirius said with a small smile. “It would have made her year.”

“What would you change?” asked Remus, clearly eager to move away from the painful topic.

“I’d have…” Sirius faltered as he thought about what he would change if he had the chance. Would he decide not to kiss Remus, not to sleep with him or love him?

Remus had said himself, you can’t help who you love, and Sirius knew that if he had his time over again, he would do things exactly the same because he would still love Remus no matter what.

“What?” Remus asked.

“I’d not change anything, except to try to save her, too. And perhaps I’d try not to get caught doing so many pranks.”

Remus chuckled and grinned.

“So, do you want to move into my flat with me?” Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. “I’ll be fine in Hogsmeade.”

Sirius knew he shouldn’t be surprised by the answer. “You hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you,” Remus assured him. “I don’t think I could ever hate you.”

“But you don’t love me either,” Sirius whispered.

Remus didn’t reply. Sirius didn’t expect him to.

“It’s probably for the best,” Sirius continued with forced cheerfulness. “I can’t move on with my life if you’re a constant part of it. And I need to find a way to move on, get a job, maybe even get a boyfriend, the usual stuff.”

“Got your eye on anyone?” Remus asked casually.

“Not really,” Sirius answered. “No one who’s interested anyway.”

“You’ll have to let me have your new address,” Remus reminded him. “I’ll write to you every day, just like we used to in the summers.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Sirius muttered, refusing to look his friend in the eye. “I need to make a clean break of things, and I can’t do that if I’m always thinking about you and writing to you and reading your letters. If I do that, I’ll always be wishing for things that I can’t have.”

“You really mean it, don’t you?” Remus whispered. “You really want to end everything, even our friendship.”

“Not forever,” Sirius promised. “But I need some time on my own. I’ll see you guys at Christmas, maybe sooner.”

“That’s months away.”

“It’ll probably fly past.”

Remus looked doubtful, but he didn’t argue.

“It’s for the best,” Sirius added. “For both of us.”

“Do you really believe that?”

Sirius thought carefully before he answered. “Yes, Remus, I do. You will be okay here, won’t you?” he asked, reaching out and squeezing Remus’s hand.

Remus nodded again and squeezed back. “I’ll be fine.”

Sirius nearly changed his mind at the sadness he saw in his friend’s eyes. But he knew he had to let Remus go, not that he had ever really had him in the first place.

-o-xXx-o-

The trunks were packed and ready to be taken down to the station. The only items unpacked were the clothes the students were going to wear in the morning and various things they were planning on taking on the train themselves.

The rest of the school had gone to bed, or at least all the Gryffindors had, when Sirius crept down to the common room on the last night of school.

In his hands was his collection of journals, the latest one not quite filled with his thoughts.

The common room fire was still in, and Sirius tugged a chair close enough that he could use the light from the flames to read by.

He smiled to himself as he looked on his childish scribbles in the oldest of the books. He turned the pages and buried himself in the past.

He didn’t hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs behind him, and it wasn’t until James flung himself onto the sofa that he realised he had company.

“What you got there?” James asked.

“Just a few books.”

“From the library? You’d better get them back there before we leave, Pince probably chases old students for books with some of the more lethal volumes from the restricted section.”

“They’re not library books.”

“So, what are they?”

“Journals.”

“What? Like diaries?”

“Journals,” Sirius amended firmly.

“Are they from the girls’ dorms? Whose are they?”

“Why do you think they belong to the girls?”

“Well, they’re not yours, are they?” James laughed loudly but was cut short by Sirius’s stern expression. “Oh bugger, they are, aren’t they?”

“It’s a Black family tradition,” Sirius muttered. “My father made me start one in the summer before I came to Hogwarts, it’s sort of a habit now. You must have seen me writing in them before.”

James shrugged; clearly it had escaped his notice. “Can I have a look?”

“They’re just full of rubbish,” Sirius replied. “I thought I’d burn them in the fire here, you know, make a clean start.”

“You can’t do that!” James sat up and reached across to take one of the books. Sirius could tell that it was the sixth year journal he was trying to grasp and he pulled it out of his reach immediately.

“Not that one,” Sirius said.

“Oooh, what’s in it?” James asked, showing even more interest in light of Sirius’s lack of consent.

“It’s the one I kept last year,” Sirius explained. “I put a lot of personal stuff in that one.”

“Oh, come on, let’s see.”

“You really don’t want to,” Sirius assured him. “I put everything in my journals, and that year was when Remus and I started… you know…”

“You wrote about that?” James asked, his jaw dropping.

Sirius nodded. He was slightly embarrassed, but was relieved that James was at least no longer trying to grab the journal from him.

“So, why are you sitting down here reading them in the middle of the night?”

“Couldn’t sleep and all my other books are already packed.”

“Why aren’t these ones packed? You’re not really going to burn them, are you?”

“Well, I’m not taking them with me.”

“You could donate them to the school library, give anyone who picks them up a few cheap thrills?”

Sirius smiled and shook his head at the suggestion. “I’m just going to burn them,” he repeated.

“But why?”

“Because they’re full of rubbish I’d rather forget.”

“Stuff about Remus?” James guessed. “But not all of them, surely?”

Sirius nodded. “I didn’t realise until I was reading them just now how much I wrote about him.”

“He’s your best friend. Of course you’d write a lot about him.”

“Well, not any more,” Sirius declared. “Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life…my life without Remus Lupin.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You just need some time. That or a good shag.”

Sirius laughed. “You offering?” he teased.

James spluttered and shook his head.

“Don’t worry, Potter, you’re not my type.”

“I know that,” James said with a grin. “The whole bloody dorm knows what your type is. Brown hair, brown eyes, sexy scars and gets real furry once a month.”

“I might have to broaden my type a little from now on,” Sirius suggested. “I doubt there are that many gay werewolves out there.”

James laughed and sat back. His laughter soon died down though, and his face took on a more serious look when he spoke again. “Don’t burn the journals, you’ll only regret it later.”

“I don’t want to take them with me, I’ll just be tempted to read them and wallow in them, instead of moving on.”

“You say they’re full of stuff about Remus?”

“Yeah.”

“Why not leave them with him?”

“What would he do with them?”

“Look after them for you until you ask for them back, or maybe he’d like to read them.”

“They have a password on them.”

“So, tell him what it is.”

“He’d probably be able to guess it anyway.”

“Then don’t. But don’t burn them. Leave them with Remus.”

“He wouldn’t want them.”

“Merlin, you’re awkward.” James threw his hands into the air and stood up. “Do you still love him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think he’ll ever love you back?”

“No, I’ve screwed things up way too much for that to ever happen now. I don’t think he’s ever really forgiven me for getting my father to swing the vote at his trial.”

“But it saved his life?”

“I know. But I don’t think he wanted me to save it. Since the trial he’s shut me out almost completely. He used to confide in me, but he never does now. It’s like he’s a different person.”

“He thinks he’s not capable of love because of what he is. I think he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved because of what he is.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow at that. It was rather an astute observation, especially coming from James.

“We talked one night,” James explained. “Just before the first full moon after the trial.”

“You did?” Sirius asked. “What else did he say?”

James shrugged. “Don’t remember much of it to be honest. But I remember the way he looked at you; it was the same way that you look at him. He has feelings for you, I’m sure he does.”

“It doesn’t make any difference though, does it?”

“Of course it does,” James replied. “He loves you. That means there’s a chance.”

“You really think he does?” Sirius asked in a hopeful whisper.

“Yes. You just need to find a way to convince him to admit it. Hey, have you put all your thoughts in those books about how much you love him?”

“I already told you, I put everything in them.”

“And you’re really determined to move on, without having Remus in your life?”

“I have to.”

“What if Remus were to change his mind? What if he were suddenly realise how much he loves you?”

“After all this time, I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“Leave him the books and he might read them and realise he’s being a complete prick.”

“Sure he will,” Sirius muttered sarcastically.

“He might.”

“You really think there’s anything in these damn books that I haven’t already told him?” Sirius asked impatiently. “I love him and he doesn’t love me back. Or if he does, he won’t admit it. I’m dealing with it the only way I can, and that means putting some distance between us for a while.”

“Okay,” James agreed with a nod. “It’s your decision, but at least consider leaving the journals with Remus, just in case.”

“I’ll think about it,” Sirius muttered.

James yawned and stretched. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Goodnight.”

“’Night.”

Sirius opened the most recent journal again and chewed on his lip for a minute or two. Maybe he should leave the journals with Remus.

It was pretty clear in his own mind that he wasn’t simply going to fall out of love with Remus, no matter how much easier his life would be if he did.

He was also pretty sure that Remus had been hurt by his decision not to tell him his new address. Remus might have been the one putting all this distance between them, but his reaction to Sirius’s news made it clear that he wasn’t entirely happy with the direction their friendship was heading.

Sirius ran his fingers over the cover of most recent journal, wondering if maybe there was a way that he could get a message to Remus, letting him know where to find him… but only if Remus was smart enough and really did love him enough to figure it out. Slowly a smile spread across his face.

Sirius came to his decision quickly and tugged the journal from third year out of the pile. He flicked through the pages until he found what he was looking for. Then he grabbed the final journal again and set to work.

It took nearly an hour for him to sort everything out, but finally he was done. He pocketed all the personal letters and scraps of paper that he had stored in the journals over the years and crept back upstairs to the dormitory. It didn’t take him long to pry open the lock on Remus’s trunk and when he had he slipped the journals inside, hiding them beneath Remus’s own things.

-o-xXx-o-

“Did you do it?” James asked Sirius as they dressed the next morning. The other boys were already up and about. Remus had disappeared some time around sunrise and Peter had hurried to find his girlfriend to share one last breakfast at Hogwarts with her. “Did you leave them with him?”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied. “And I left him a note with the password so he can read them if he wants.”

“He’ll come around. You just need to keep telling yourself that.”

“No, I really don’t,” Sirius replied. “Not if I want to move on.”

“He’ll be on your doorstep within a month,” James assured him. “I guarantee it.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“This is Remus we’re talking about. He slept in your bed more often than his own through third year and trailed round after you like a shadow in fourth and most of fifth. And I don’t care what crap he says about the wolf, no guy lets another bloke shove his cock up his arse if he doesn’t like it.”

“I know I’m going to regret asking this,” Sirius said with a smirk. “But what makes you so sure it’s that way round?”

“Er…” James flushed and started fiddling with the curtains on his bed.

“What?”

“There was one time, at the start of the school year, er… I think you kind of forgot the silencing charms and me and Peter woke up and heard you.”

“But we only ever did anything here in the dorm once.”

“Lucky us,” James muttered.

“You heard everything?” Sirius felt mortified, but still had the insane desire to laugh loudly at James’s expression of remembered horror.

“Let’s just say we heard enough to figure out who was putting what where.”

“Why didn’t you say anything the next morning?”

“We would have teased you both like mad, if it hadn’t been so traumatising for us.”

“Probably a good job you didn’t say anything,” Sirius advised. “That was the last time we were together before we broke up, and I doubt it would have gone down too well with either of us.”

“Yeah, there was that, too. You going to say goodbye to Remus before we go down to the station?”

Sirius nodded. “You’d better go meet Lily, if you don’t want her to think you’ve forgotten her.”

James grinned and hurried out the door. “Maybe I can talk her into moving in with me on the train.”

“Good luck with that.”

Sirius shook his head and shoved his pyjamas into the top of his trunk. Then he headed downstairs to find Remus.

He found him standing near the new Whomping Willow, a tree that had been planted in Charlene’s memory. There was a faraway look on his face.

Remus wasn’t sure whether he had expected Sirius to seek him out before leaving Hogwarts, but he wasn’t that surprised that he had.

“You’ll be leaving soon?” he asked as Sirius approached him.

“In about half an hour.”

“And you’re really not going to tell me where you’re living?” Remus tried not to feel too hurt at the idea of Sirius putting even more distance between them than there already was. He knew it was his own fault, just as he knew that it was for the best, but he still felt his heart plummet at the idea of not seeing Sirius or hearing from Sirius whenever he wanted to.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be in touch before Christmas, I promise.”

“So, this is what it’s come to?”

“Damn it, Remus!” Sirius shouted. “You’ve got no right to be like this! I’m not the one who’s living in denial here.”

“I’m not in denial,” Remus said softly. It was the truth, after all. He hadn’t been in denial for a long time now, but it was far easier to let Sirius continue to believe that he was. If Sirius knew how he felt, he knew that nothing would keep him from his side, from his arms, from his life. “I just wish I could have my best friend back. I want it like it was before.”

“I’m still your best friend,” Sirius cried in frustration. “But I can’t just pretend that I’m not in love with you.”

“I’m not asking you to.” Remus knew that Sirius couldn’t turn off his feelings, any more than he could.

“Yes, you are, and I can’t do it. Not right now anyway. Maybe in a few months…”

Remus sighed. Keeping Sirius at a safe distance was one thing, but he didn’t want him out of his life altogether, and if they continued in this vein, he could see that happening. “Sirius, please. I don’t want to fight any more.”

“Me neither.”

“It’s the full moon tomorrow night.”

“Will you be okay?”

“Will you be there in the morning?”

“Will you let me stay all night?”

Remus shook his head. “I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that.”

“Then I won’t be there in the morning. You can’t keep pushing me away and still expect me to stick around. It’s not fair.”

“I don’t want to risk what happened to Charlie happening to you.”

“It won’t. The basement’s been fixed and tested in case of other Earth tremors, the risk is minimal.”

“But still…”

“But nothing. It’s just an excuse, and we both know it. You don’t want to admit you have feelings for me, so you’re making excuses to keep me away. First, it was that you don’t fancy me, and then it was the wolf that wanted me. Now it’s that you don’t want to put me in danger. I’ve been in your basement on how many full moons? It’s an excuse, and we both know why. You still think you’re a monster that doesn’t deserve to be loved. Well, you’re wrong, because I love you. I don’t care if you’re a werewolf. It’s a part of who you are, and I love all of you, even the wolf.”

Remus knew that it was the truth and for a moment he wondered what it would be like to tell Sirius that he returned those feelings. He knew that Sirius would be overjoyed, at least until another accident happened, and he was the one with a werewolf’s jaws clamped around the nearest limb. It wasn’t worth the risk.

If only he hadn’t been bitten, things could have been so different.

He watched Sirius as he turned to walk away. It felt like he was never going to see him again. Never going to touch him, hold him or kiss him.

“Sirius?” he called.

“What?”

“Would you kiss me? Just once, before you leave.”

Sirius drew in a sharp breath and closed his eyes momentarily, rather than look at him. “No.”

Remus felt the sharp sting of disappointment and he asked, “Why not?”

“Because I want to kiss Remus, not Moony, and you know as well as I do that if I ask you, you’ll just say it’s because of the full moon tomorrow.”

“You said that that would be enough for you,” Remus reminded him, quashing the temptation to tell Sirius that it was him who was asking, and that the full moon had nothing to do with it. But he knew that he couldn’t take the risk, not when it was Sirius’s safety and life that were at stake.

“I know I did,” Sirius replied quietly. “I was wrong. It’ll never be enough. If we’re ever going to have a future together, a proper future, you’re going to have to let me get close to you again. And I don’t mean just sex. You need to start trusting me again.”

Remus drew in a deep breath, wishing that the lies would start coming easier, and knowing that it was getting harder and harder with every one he told.

Sirius didn’t wait for him to say anything. “I just want you to stop lying, to me and to yourself. I want you to stop pushing me away.”

“It’s safer for you this way,” Remus said quietly and a little sadly. “I’m a werewolf and I… I…” He wanted to say the words. He wanted to tell Sirius how he felt – that he loved him too much to put him in danger by being with him, but from the corner of his eye he saw a branch of the Whomping Willow swooping down in a vicious arc. The words became lodged in his throat as he remembered why the tree was there, whom it had been planted in memory of, and exactly why Sirius could never know how he felt.

Sirius was oblivious to his inner turmoil. “You know that if you don’t let me – let anybody – back into your life, you’re going to be miserable and lonely.”

“And what about you?”

“I’m already miserable and lonely, but I’m learning to get on with my life.”

“So, I guess this is goodbye.”

“I guess it is.”

“I’m going to miss you.” Remus looked down at his shoes, hoping to shield the love he knew was probably evident in his eyes as he made his confession.

“Damn it, Remus,” Sirius muttered as he walked back to him.

Remus drew in a breath, knowing what was going to happen, and let Sirius pull him into his arms and kiss him fiercely. He plunged his tongue into the other boy’s mouth and felt their teeth clash together. He reached up and put a hand on the back of Sirius’s head, his fingers tangling in his hair, holding him closer. It wasn’t enough, and he moved his other hand from Sirius’s back to his arse, revelling in the moan he heard Sirius make.

It still wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. But he couldn’t let himself want anything more than this moment. This one last moment, before the two of them went their separate ways.

Remus knew he looked dazed when Sirius finally pulled away and he gasped in much needed air.

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t let Sirius go. He was too weak to go through with it. He wanted him too much. He loved him too much.

“How can you kiss me like that and still deny you have feelings for me?” Sirius gasped. “Remus, please, just tell me I’m not imagining this – whatever it is – between us.”

Remus buried his head in Sirius’s chest. He couldn’t look him in the eye, not yet. If he did, he knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything other than tell Sirius exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Please stop shutting me out,” Sirius whispered. “You know that all you have to do is ask and I’ll stay here with you. Just tell me that you love me, that you want me to stay and I’ll do it.”

Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’s robes, hugging him close. He didn’t deserve Sirius. He was a monster who hurt everyone around him and Sirius deserved better than that. But he couldn’t help wanting to hold him for just a little while longer.

Then, all too soon, Sirius was stepping back, turning away and hurrying back towards the castle. He would soon be leaving Hogwarts forever. And leaving him in the process.

He was out of hearing and nearly out of sight when Remus spoke again, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I love you, Sirius.”

-

A/N: Thanks as always to everyone for your comments.