100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

Don't Mess with Crooks

The sun was shining through a grimy window into the small flat. Two figures Apparated with a crack, rousing a huge cloud of dust. While Severus Snape was quick enough to cover his mouth and nose with his sleeve, his companion got a lungful and started coughing violently.

Taking a few moments to recover, Hermione Granger (soon to be Weasley) vanished the dust with vehemence and finally took a good look at the apartment.

“Oh, sweet Merlin, this place is a dump! The jerk said it was ready to live in!”

Snape smirked at the furious witch and drawled with amusement,“It is not nice to refer to your fiancé like that, Hermione. It is not so bad, Crookshanks will have roaches to hunt.”

At that Hermione screamed with disgust and actually threw herself at him.

“ROACHES!!?? WHERE? OH, kill it, kill it, pleaseeee.”

Severus laughed out loud.

“Stop wailing, you silly witch, they are not going to eat you!”

He deposited Hermione on the old tattered armchair and went to the pile of boxes they had brought. He found the cat carrier and opened it.

“Wake up, buddy. Seems your mistress is scared of roaches, so you’d better hunt them down.”

At the word “hunt” the sleepy kneazle’s eyes snapped wide open, his ears flattened and he left his carrier with a smug expression. His whiskers twitched and he was off to the kitchen.

Severus turned around and looked critically at the place. Hermione was right, it was a dump.

That idiot Weasley!

He blathered about missing her, explaining away his insistence to move in together with her the minute she finished her apprenticeship with Severus. But in truth the twit was jealous. Ron didn’t want Hermione spending her time in the dungeons alone with Severus. He even tried to persuade her to quit her apprenticeship, but she cut him off. When he couldn’t get his way, the obnoxious boy had to propose, and Hermione had accepted.

Severus shook his head. He still held hope that she would realize her bad choice before she made it
permanent. She needed someone who wanted her for herself, not out of habit. Someone like himself.

“A sickle for your thoughts?”

He snapped out of his reverie and saw Hermione smiling up at him from the armchair. She looked so beautiful with the sunlight in her hair, like she had a halo. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could think.

“I was wondering when would you realize the error of your ways, dump that retarded brat and marry me.”

Hermione’s eyes widened and she spluttered, before laughing with a rich belly laugh.

Severus felt a cold hand grip his insides.

“So much for being straightforward, she thinks I am hilarious.”

Hermione wiped the tears of mirth from her eyes and said, “Come on, Severus, stop pulling my leg. I know you can’t wait to be rid of the know-it-all; you are actually helping me move! Be careful now, I might just take up you offer and harass you for the rest of your days! Do me a favor, check on Crooks and scourgify the kitchen, I will do the rooms.”

Wand firmly in hand, she stalked towards the bedroom.

In fact, beneath all the laughing, her heart was beating rocket fast and her hands were sweating. Why did the twice-damned man have to ask such an obnoxious question? Did he KNOW? The truth was, Hermione had been questioning her relationship with Ron for quite a while. His proposal only made thing worse, because when she accepted, he started acting as if she was his property. All of a sudden, he started criticizing everything about her.

The thing that irked her most was the “My mother” routine.

“My mother never took a job, she wanted to take care of us.”

“My mother loves this color, what do you mean you don’t like it?”

“You need to learn a few house-keeping charms, dear, my mother can teach you.”

Poor Molly was awfully embarrassed and always scolded him that one doesn’t compare a mother to a wife, but he just never learned!

Hermione prefered spending her time with Severus, who picked on her mercilessly, but at least treated her as a person. Her feelings about her Potions Master were very conflicted lately. Hermione suppressed her anger and confusion over the situation and looked around the bedroom.

Yep, dump.

Period.

After several bouts of Scourgify, the grime, dust and cobwebs were gone, but the place was still unbecoming. She sighed and headed back to the living room. Apparently Severus had taken care of that, as well as the kitchen. He sat in an armchair, with a lapful of content and purring Crookshanks. The wizard looked up at her and smiled.

“Your roach problem is taken care of, Hermione. Do you want to crack the champagne, or we are waiting for your significant other?”

On cue, Ronald Weasley Apparated into the flat with a loud crack. He flashed a huge smile at Hermione, but it soon faded when he saw Severus feeling quite at home, with his well-practiced sneer.

“What is he doing here, ‘Mione?”

Hermione glared at her fiancé and gritted through her teeth,“Professor Snape helped me move, because you were busy. And he helped me scourgify the eons of grime this place had accumulated. Honestly, Ronald, ready to live in?”

Ron flounced on the other armchair, glared at Snape for good measure and pouted.

“It was not so bad!”

Hermione clenched her fists and spoke quietly, “Ron, I think you should have a heart-to-heard with your dad, because there is no way you are Molly’s son.”

At this, Severus couldn’t hold it anymore and erupted in fits of laughter. Even the cat in his lap looked as if he was snickering. Ron glared again at his ex-Professor and growled,

“Appreciate your help, Snape, but we can manage it from here. You seem to get along with the fur ball, why don’t you take him with you?”

“Ronald, are you out of your mind, Crooks is staying here!”

“Hermione, it is unhygienic to keep a cat in an apartment! Plus the brute hates me, he scratches me all the time!”

“Because you kick him! Yes Ronald, I have seen you. He is staying with me, or returning to Hogwarts with me. Crooks and I are a package, you know that!”

While the conversation took place, a pair of eyes on the armchair had taken a very menacing look. Crookshanks bared his teeth and growled quietly.

Severus heard him and whispered in his ear, “Don’t worry, buddy, I know you are the redhead menace she loves best.”

The kneazle’s tail was swishing furiously. He had tried to chase off that awful guy so many times, but he was so stubborn. And now he wanted to separate him from his mistress. No way that was happening!

Ron stomped over to the huge French window that spanned from knee height almost to the ceiling, and opened it to look down to the street.

“It is a nice view. Ten floors, concrete pavement; maybe the fleabag will have an accident.” he muttered.

At this comment, something snapped in Crooks’ mind. In one leap, he shot from Severus’ s lap onto the back of the unsuspecting Weasley, tumbling both of them out of the window. A cat, especially half-kneasle, can survive a ten-floor fall. A man has to be very lucky.

Ron Weasley wasn’t.

After a long talk with the authorities, no charges were pressed. The reason of death was “freak accident."

Severus and Hermione went back to Hogwarts, because she couldn’t deal with the Weasleys today.

Severus sat on the sofa in his room, reading with Crooks in his lap, when the door creaked open. It was Hermione, with soft cotton pajamas and braided hair. Her face was pale and puffy from crying. She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Severus, for being with me today. I asked you to help me move and see what happened,” her voice broke. “I wanted to leave him, did you know that?”

Severus raised an eyebrow.

“I certainly hoped you would not to speak ill of the dead, but the boy wasn’t right for you.”

“Yes, but…BUT I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO DIE!” she wailed. “He was my friend!”

Severus hugged the distraught witch and pulled her down to sit on the sofa beside him.

“I know you didn’t, Hermione, but it happened. Don’t blame yourself. Now, wipe your face and off to bed, we will speak tomorrow. Do you want Crooks, he can keep you company?”

She chewed on her lip and blushed, “Actually…if you don’t mind…could you sleep in my bed tonight? Just to sleep, I don’t want to be alone.”

Severus looked down at her and his eyes softened. He nodded.

“Go to bed, I will be along in a few minutes.”

After Hermione’s bedroom door closed, Severus picked up Crooks and looked him in the eye.

“I wanted you to help me win your mistress over from Weasley, I didn’t think you would kill the poor sod!”

Crooks swished his tail and crunched up his nose.

Severus sighed.

“On the other hand, he was planning to do the same to you…I guess it’s only fair. Not a bad job, buddy, not a bad job. Now we have to see about getting you a lady friend. Is calico okay? Or maybe black?”