Troubled Love

Title: Troubled Love

Time: It takes place in their 7th year

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Chapter 6: Confusion

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Harry woke up Monday morning, still feeling incredible. His little trip to the Malfoy Manor had been great. To Harry’s relief, everybody was very polite towards him on the night of the party. He and Draco had danced and talked a lot. Draco had told him about the people at the party, telling him who were Death Eaters and who weren’t. Of course most of the Death Eaters had been captured and brought to Azkaban, but there were Death Eaters who escaped. Like his father and the other Death Eaters. Harry knew there was no point in chasing them again, the Ministry of Magic had set them free. Draco knew this too.

When they went to bed late that night, Draco had told Harry that he was glad the white side had won. He did not want to becomeeatheath Eater, like his father. His father would have forced him to be one, if the dark side han thn the battle. Draco said he did not like the idea of being dominated by somebody else, he wanted to be and stay his own master. He absolutely hated the thought of being ordered around by someone. It wasn’t Malfoyish to do so. Draco told him that he often wondered why his father became a Death Eater. The Malfoy’s thought it was a sign of weakness to join a group and no Malfoy except his father was a Death Eater, though they did agree with Voldemort’s ideas. His father was a disgrace for the Malfoy family. Despite that Draco was proud of his father, because so many people feared him. His father stood up for what the Malfoy family believed, only in another way than the other Malfoy’s.

Lucius Malfoy was a very lucky man. Even though he was caught several times during the war, he always managed to stay out of prison. Harry thought it was because so many people feared him. He wasn’t just a Death Eater, he had contacts all over the world and was a very important businessman.

They discussed the final battle between the white and the dark side.

*~*~* Flashback *~*~*

“I really wish I could have been there,” Draco said suddenly. They were lying in Draco’s bed the room was dark, except for the moonlight coming through the windows. Harry was snuggled up against Draco, who was lying on his back. His hand was caressing Harry’s bare back, the other one was underneath his head. Harry’s head rested upon Draco’s chest, one hand was curling curls in Draco’s hair and the other arm was around Draco’s waist. He and Draco were both wearing a boxer as a pyjama. Although Harry was a girl, he still didn’t like wearing too much clothing while he was sleeping. He had always liked sleeping in his boxers and because his panties were so tight, he just decided to wear his boxers.

“No, you don’t,” Harry answered, shivering when he thought about it.

“Why not?” Draco asked, tightening his grip around Harry as he felt him shiver.

“Because it was horrible!” Harry exclaimed, he had never said a word about it to anyone. Not to his roommates, not to Ron, not to Hermione and they didn’t ask about it either, knowing he would explode if they did. Harry had pushed the memories of that battle away, he didn’t want to be remembered about it at all.

“Tell me,” Draco whispered.

Harry froze, no one had asked him to do that before, no one... Why was Draco asking him to do this? They were having such a great time.

“Harry, I know you don’t talk about what happened during that battle. I heard Granger and Weasley talk about it. I even heard Dumbledore and Snape talk about you. It’s not good to keep it inside, Harry. It will break you... Slowly it will poison your mind. You think you’re over it, but you’re not, not if you keep hiding your memories. Soon it will all come back to you and you won’t be able to accept it and move on. You have to tell me, because I’m the only one asking you about it,” Draco finished, looking very serious.

Harry wondered how Draco knew all this stuff. There was a long silence. Harry wondered where he should begin his story. He decided to start at the beginning of his grief.

“At the end of my fifth year my godfather was killed...” Harry swallowed, searching for the courage to continue. “He was the only family I had left and although everybody keeps telling me it wasn’t my fault... I have a feeling it was. I was the reason he had to come to the Ministry of Magic, I was the one who insisted to go there. I thought Sirius was trapped there, but it was just Voldemort playing with my mind. It was at the end of the fifth year that I heard the truth about the link between Voldemort and me. That one had to kill the other eventually. It was either live or die. I felt trapped, there was no way out of this one. I was so scared, the thought of dying soon followed me everywhere. I often caught myself, saying my goodbyes to Ron and Hermione as if I was going to die a second later. I think I would have gone nuts if Dumbledore hadn’t trained me and given me something else to think about; getting as powerful as possible. I wanted to kill Voldemort so much, I wanted him to die a slowly and painful death. He was the one who made me what I am, a boy pitied by everyone. A boy without family and without the choice to live his own life. The pressure was nearly unbearable, everyone expected me to kill Voldemort...”

Harry finally gave up fighting the tears in his eyes and gave a loud sob. Draco lowered himself to Harry’s level and began to kiss away Harry’s tears. Harry clung himself to Draco, burring hice ice in Draco’s neck. The sobbing didn’t seem to end and Harry was grateful that Draco just caressed his back softly, waiting for him to continue.

“And finally the night of that final battle came at the end of my sixth year. At that time it didn’t matter if I lost, I just wanted it to be over. Either way was fine with me. Luckily Remus seemed to know what I was thinking and talked to me just before the battle started. He said that I deserved to life more than Voldemort and asked me to take revenge for Sirius, my father and my mother...” Harry continued, still sobbing loudly. He just wanted everything out of his head, he didn’t have the patience to wait until he was finished crying. “I was instructed to wait until I saw Voldemort, so I did. I saw many people die, not knowing on which side they were. I did saw Mr Weasley, Hagrid and Tonks die. It happened right before my eyes. I couldn’t wait any longer, because the person who killed them also killed Sirius. Bellatrix Lestrange, I killed her without feeling bad about it. My heart was as cold as ice. That’s when I saw Voldemort grinning and smirking towards me, I knew the time had come. It was either live or die. I can’t remember what happened exactly during our fight. I do know that everyone around us stopped fighting to watch us fight. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to kill him...”

“I’m glad you did.” Draco whispered.

Harry looked up into Draco’s eyes. “After the battle, I felt dead... I didn’t know what to say to Ron about his father, I had killed two people and I felt as if I lost the ability to love.”

Draco sighed. “If only I knew this during the sixth year, I wouldn’t have been so cruel to you.”“How“How come you want to be with me now?” Harry asked.

Draco seemed to be startled about that question for a few seconds, as if he didn’t know what to say. Soon enough his startled expression changed into a smirk. “Because you’re pretty, funny, gorgeous, breathtaking and not to mention a girl.”

Harry frowned, “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I’m not Harry Potter anymore. Why would you make contact with me if I am everything you despise?”

“You weveryverything I despised,” Draco corrected him.

“Well what changed?” Harry asked, very curiously.

“The fact that my father got out of prison again, living. He didn’t join the Death Eaters to the final battle, because he was still in prison. I’m very grateful about that. Things changed after Voldemort was gone, my father changed. All of a sudden he was much more interested in me and my mother. He had more time for us and he was being a Malfoy again, not a Death Eater. So basically a part of my life changed,” Draco said, when he noticed Harry was still looking at him with a curious look in his eyes, he continued reluctantly. Knowing the answer wasn’t enough for Harry. “At the beginning of this year I often wondered how you had succeed in killing Voldemort, because even my father feared him. And yet a sixteen year old boy managed to kill him. I realised I had always envied you. I really wanted to become you friend in the first year, but you turned me down and one thing lead to the other,” Draco explained. “At the end I was expected to hurt you...”

“You envied me?” Harry asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelieve.

Draco blushed, “I’m going to tell you a little secret; I still do.”

Harry’s eyes widened even further and his disbelieve grew even more.

Draco rolled his eyes. “Well, you were, and I know you still are, so courageous and fearless. If I were you I would have travelled to the end of the world to hide from Voldemort. You’ve been through so much... and still you’ve managed to stay yourself. When I noticed you were feeling down in the beginning of this year, I really wanted to know why. You stopped glaring at me and paying attention to my insults, I barely got one back. That’s when I overheard Ron and Hermione talk about you. I noticed they were very worried about you. Granger told Weasley you had fallen in love, which was good, the only problem was that the girl seemed to be incapable of loving. Granger thought that if you were rejected by this girl, you would be more devastated than you already were. On top of that I overheard Snape and Dumbledore talk to each other. Snape was telling Dumbledore that he was concerned about you, that you were so quiet and not yourself. Well... I started wondering what was wrong with you. I wanted to figure it out, somehow. What could cause the courageous and fearless boy I knew to be so down.”

“Did Hermione tell Ron who it was?” Harry asked, insecure. Making a mental note to ask Hermione what she was thinking telling Ron that.

“No, she kept calling the girl; that person. I always thought Granger was nuts.” Draco grinned. “So it is was?”

Harry frowned “Euhh...”

“The girl, are you still in love with her?” Draco asked.

“Not with the girl,” Harry said, not knowing what else to say. He really didn’t love a girl and he couldn’t tell Draco that Hermione kept calling Draco ‘the person’, because Ron didn’t know he was gay yet.

Draco grinned, before continuing. “And at the bningning of this week the perfect opportunity to get to know you arrived. You messed up your potion and turned into a girl.”

“Still, people know that I’m Harry Potter,” Harry muttered.

“Yes, well, I don’t care about that. It was the perfect opportunity to find things out,” Draco said.

Suddenly Harry jerked back, staring at Draco in shock. “So all this was just to find out why I was so down? You seduced me into your bed to find that out?” he exclaimed.

Draco stared back in shock as well. “I would never do such a thing, Harry Potter! Believe me, my plan faded away when I saw how gorgeous you looked.”

“Up until now,” Harry glared.

“No! I just wanted to break the ice around you! The shield you’ve build up around you, by showing you there’s still hope and that you’re still able to have fun. Tell me, did you think about any of the things you told me during this week?” Draco asked looking into Harry’s eyes.

Harry thought for a minute and shook his head.

“Well, then that was what I was trying to achieve,” Draco smiled.

Harry mock glared, “One minute ago, your reason was that you wanted to know what was wrong with me and now you say that you wanted me to be happy again...”

Draco froze for a split second, before answering, “Whatever, I achieved both.”

“Aren’t you afraid that someone tells your father?” Harry asked.

“Nope,” Draco answered immediately. “they all know they will die a painful death if they do. I still am a Malfoy, even though I haven’t been acting like one the last week.”

*~*~*End Flashback*~*~*

Thinking back, Harry knew that to back off was the smartest thing to do. They obviously didn’t belong together, the castle had said so. It had been incredible and Harry’s heart arched when he thoughout out it, but why would you stay with someone, who’s not gay, where you know it’s going to end after one month and’s n’s not your true love? It made no sense. It was wiser to stop it at the beginning, otherwise you would get too attached to the other one.

His thoughts went back to last night...

They were back late in the evening. Luckily they had finished their homework that afternoon, because Harry was far too exhausted to finish it that night. He and Draco had said goodbye and because it was late nobody was able to ask any questions about his sudden disappearance. Draco had been so sweet to him in the last week. Harry wondered if it was just to find out what happened... Draco had denied that and it wasn’t likely, looking at the way he acted. But the thought just wouldn’t go away...

‘Arg, why is love so complicated?’ Harry thought, groaning. ‘Here I am, telling myself to stay away from Draco, and yet I can’t think of anyone or anything else. I have to be strong. I know what Hermione would say; ‘You have to protect yourself, because in the end it will be you who’s hurt!’ And I think it would... But he was so sweet and everything we did was so nice! Not to mention what we did Saturday night after we talked so much... And Sunday morning... And-’

A knock on his door snapped him out of his thoughts, “Just when I was getting to the good parts.” Harry groaned softly, before yelling “Come in”

The door opened and Hermione came into the room. “Good morning,” she said cheerfully.

“Hay...” Harry muttered.

“What’s wrong?” Hermione asked, as Harry had expected her to do.

“Nothing,” Harry lied

Hermione frowned, “What did Malfoy do? Because if he hurt you in any way, I won’t be able to control myself!”

“He didn’t do anything,” Harry grinned, “It’s just that... well... everything is so complicated”

Hermione sighed dramatically and crawled into the other side of the bed. When she had made sure she was lying comfortable, she said, “I’m ready, tell me everything”

Harry snorted and realised hocky cky he was to have a female friend, where he wasn’t expected to do something and knew almost everything about these things. He told Hermione about the Malfoy Castle about, what Draco said about the Malfoy Castle and the fact that Harry couldn’t see the castle properly... Basically everything excluding the part where Harry told Draco what happened during the last battle and the sex parts. “So, I’m quite sure it isn’t going to work between us and it’s better to stay away...” he ended his story, looking hopefully to Hermione.

“And you want me to tell you that you’re absolutely right?” Hermione asked, biting her lip.

“Well, if you could...” Harry said, looking to Hermione, searching for any kind of reaction or expression to his question.

“I’rry rry Harry, but I can’t tell you that you’re right nor can I tell you that you’re wrong...” Hermione said, squeezing his hand. “I’m afraid I’m a bit confused.”

Harry felt his hope flow away, that wasn’t the answer he was hoping for. Of course he was wishing Hermione would tell him he was wrong and that Draco did want him, male or female. But she didn’t... “Why?” Harry muttered.

“I just don’t understand Malfoy. I have to admit that it is not likely that ywo wwo will end up together. Not unless Draco’s gay. But on the other hand, why would he want to be with you when he knows your Harry Potter. If he really hates you or hated you as much as he said he did, he would never want to be with you. Male or Female. And the whole castle thing is also very peculiar... He would never take you there if he didn’t hope for the possibility that you could see the castle. Do you know what’s weird too? He noticed you were not yourself and to notice that you have to pay ation ion to you, lost of attention. Because honestly Harry, you really managed to build up a shield around you. So that no one will see that you’re suffering...” Hermione said, more to herself than to Harry.

“What are you trying to say?” Harry asked confused.

“Well, I guess I’m saying that either he’s gay and in love with you or he’s playing a sick game with you,” Hermione stated.

Harry sighed, he already knew that. “So what must I do?” he asked, looking down.

“That’s up to you, Harry. Just remember, if you want something you’ll have to fight for it,” Hermione said, standing up and walking to Harry’s wardrobe.

“Yes, but what if that something doesn’t want you to fight and you come out of it heartbroken and looking like a complete fool...?” Harry asked, stepping out of his bed and walking towards the shower.

“At least you know you tried,” Hermione smiled, giving him his clothes.

“You’re not being very helpful here!” Harry mock glared.

Hermione grinned, “There’s not much I can say. It’s up to you. You know what I think? I think you’re scared you might be rejected, like with Cho, and that you rather not know how the person feels about you than being rejected.”

Harry turned on the shower and undressed himself. “Well, it was different with Cho. I didn’t really like her anymore,” he said, stepping into the shower.

“Okay, here’s a plan. You’re not going to undertake any kind of actions towards Draco, lim dim do the work. If he really does like you, you’ll notice,” Hermione said, giving Harry the shampoo.

“You’re saying I should ignore him?” Harry asked, washing his hair.

“No, I didn’t say that. Glancing, talkingoggiogging, shagging, everything is fine as long as you don’t make the first move...” Hermione winked.

“And it’ll work?” Harry asked.

“Well, if I’m correct it will answer your question. If he likes you or if he’s playing games,” Hermione said, giving a towel to Harry.

“And what if he plays the same game?” Harry asked, wrapping the towel around himself.

Hermione rolled with her eyes, “Boys don’t know that game.”

Harry stuck out his tongue, threw the towel into the bathroom and walked into his room again.

“Bloody hell, Harry!” Ron yelled, covering his eyes. He had just entered his room.

“Woops,” Harry blushed, covering his body with the clothes Hermione was giving him.

Ron’s face was all red, while he stuttered, “I wanted to know how you were and take you down to breakfast.”

“As you were able to see a second ago, Harry’s fine” Hermione grinned.

Ron just glared at her.
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When Harry was finished dressing himself, they went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Ro was still not speaking to Hermione and Hermione was just ignoring his glares. Harry mentally rolled his eyes, looking at the two of them walking in front of him. Ron was always over-reacting and Hermione was alwayasinasing him.

Harry felt his heart beat in his throat when he walked through the big doors of the Great Hall. His eyes were fixed on the ground, so he could barely see where he was walking. He just followed Ron and Hermione’s feet towards the Gryffindor table. He sat down still looking down and grabbed a toast. He started eating when he saw that Ron and Hermione were doing the same. Ron and Hermione were both talking to him at the same time, ignoring each other. Harry just closed his eyes and sighed.

“What’s wrong with him?” He heard Seamus ask Ron.

Harry looked up and smiled, “Nothing”

Right then Harry regretted looking up, because his eyes seemed to have a will of their own. He glanced towards the Slytherin table, looking for a blond head. He found the blond within a second, and was ready to look back on his plate when his eyes were suddenly captured. Draco was looking back at him. He couldn’t look away, he felt butterflies fly in his stomach and his heart skipped a beat. He could see the lust in Draco’s eyes, even though he was sitting 6 metre away from him. Draco smirked as he licked his lips, not breaking the eye-contact. Harry glared, kng Dng Draco did this on purpose just to tease him. Draco signed Harry to follow him by tilting his head a bit, looking to the door and back. After that he stood up and walked out of the Great Hall.

Harry waited a minute, finishing his toast and stood up.

“Have fun,” Hermione whispered.

Harry looked at her in surprise and opened his mouth to say something.

“I’m not stupid,” Hermione laughed and pushed Harry towards the door.

Harry smiled at her before walking to the door. When he exited the Great Hall someone pushed him against the wall. This didn’t surprise Harry, he knew this was going to happen. He felt the soft lips he longed for return to his and closed his eyes.

Draco let go of Harry’s lips and moved to Harry’s neck, leaving a trail of red marks. Harry’s hands were entangled in Draco’s blond hair, messing it up completely. He could feel Draco’s hands underneath his skirt on her hips. One of his legs moved between Draco’s, making Draco moan.

“Draco...” Harry whispered.

Draco just moaned.

“Draco,” Harry said a bit louder.

“Mmm,” Draco answered, looking up.

“We’re standing in the middle of the corridor again, and people are coming out of the Great Hall,” Harry said.

Draco looked around him and saw Harry was right. People were walking out of the Great Hall, not noticing them yet. He stepped away from Harry and smoothed his hair. “Bye,” Draco whispered, before walking away.

He left Harry totally stunned. Was Draco ashamed of him? He could still taste Draco’s flavour on his lips, his hands on his hips and his teeth in his neck.

“Harry?” Hermione asked, grabbing his hand.

Harry shook his head, and walked away. Luckily Hermione understood the message and didn’t follow him. He didn’t feel like going to class, because he had potions with Draco, so he decided to skip the class. He knew that Severus would give him an detention for not being in his class, but he didn’t care. He grabbed his broom and walked outside. The only thing he wanted to do was to get away from Hogwarts. He mounted his broom and kicked off, flying to the other end of the lake.

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That’s it for now. I won’t be updating for at least three weeks, because I’m going away to Mozambique on Sunday. When I get back, my school starts the very next day. Knowing myself, I will write in Mozambique, but there’s no computer to update. I promise to update as soon as possible. Please Review, they make me so happy! Oh and I’m a bit sad, because no one offered to be my beta-reader. Please don’t flame me because of my grammar! Big hug to you all, Cherish. PS, this will become real slash soon, don’t worry.