Shell Shock

Part six:


As Harry began to get undressed, Severus found he couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. The way he tossed his clothes over the sofa half-hazardously annoyed Severus to no end, yet something about it made it endearing. Severus sighed. He was becoming senile with every passing day. Harry glanced over at him coyly then raised his brows suggestively.

“Watching me, are you?”

Severus cleared his throat and pretended to straighten the duvet. “Of course not. I was watching the disrespectful way you handle your clothing. You know that annoys me.”

Harry smiled knowingly. “Of course you were. How silly of me,” he said with a grin.

“Are you coming to bed or are you going to stand there all night? I have an early day tomorrow,” he snapped.

“Impatient man,” Harry tsked.

“Of course I’m impatient. I would actually like to get some sleep tonight.”

Harry smirked at him as he pulled back the duvet and crawled into bed.

“Then you won't mind that I’ll be asleep within two minutes. I’m really knackered.” Harry waited until he was lying away from Severus to smile. “Could you get the lights? I left my wand in the loo.”

He heard Severus grunt and the candles went down to a low flame, although there was enough light to see. Harry scooted backwards and pushed his body flush against Severus’. He counted to twenty.

As expected, he found himself flat on his back, lips covering his and a tongue thrust into his mouth with an urgent passion. He moaned and pulled Severus on top of him. He finally had talked Severus into wearing nothing to bed – he hated Severus wearing those ugly pyjamas – so when their erections touched, Harry pulled back from the heated kiss and dug his head further into the pillow, panting heavily. Severus took that opportunity to lean down and torment Harry by biting his neck. Damn him for finding his most erogenous zone. Severus always knew that it drove him crazy! Blinded by lust, Harry flung his arms up and his fingers dug into Severus’ arse, simultaneously spreading his legs. Severus pushed himself up onto one arm so he could re-position his body and then slid his free hand under Harry's leg and pulled it up and over his own.

Severus slid both arms under Harry’s, bent his head and began to trail light kisses against Harry’s cheek. His lips finally grazed over Harry's and softly teased his mouth. Harry couldn’t stand it any longer – as Severus knew fully well – so he lifted his head and demanded a deeper kiss. Severus smiled into the kiss and plunged his tongue deep inside, pushing Harry into the pillow. Harry squirmed underneath him, grinding his trapped erection against Severus’. Breathlessly, they broke the kiss and Severus pulled back just enough to gaze into Harry’s eyes. They were dark and filled with hunger and longing. How he wanted to take the boy and make him his. Deep down inside, he also wanted to show Harry that there was nothing to be afraid of and that Severus would never hurt him.

Unable to stop himself, Severus slowly made his way down Harry's body, kissing and touching him everywhere – never once breaking contact. He buried his face in the junction of Harry's leg and breathed in the heavy, musky scent as he caressed the sensitive skin with his lips. Severus placed one of Harry's legs over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around the other, pulling him in closer.

For months, Severus had always got this close – mouth, lips and many fingers - but it would be Severus that finished Harry's release with his mouth instead of pushing Harry any further. Perhaps it made Severus a coward, but he wanted Harry to decide when he was ready.

Harry's heel dug into Severus back, arched his back, and his breathing was beginning to grow faster and more laboured - all signs of Harry's pending orgasm. Severus sped up his thrusts of the three fingers inside of Harry, curling them and massaging his young lover’s prostate as he did. He tightened his lips around Harry's cock and just as he thought it was time, Harry perched himself on one arm and gently pulled on Severus’ hair with his other hand.

“No,” Harry panted.

Startled, Severus quickly pulled back and looked up. “I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to push--”

“No,” Harry repeated. “Its just that … I think I’m finally ready.”

“Harry, there's no need to rush anything. I can wait.”

“No, I want to. I know you’ve been patient and I think I owe it to you.”

“Harry! You don’t owe me anything!”

Harry scooted back on the bed and leaned against the headboard. “Yes I do. I owe you the truth. And I need to tell you. It’s the only way that I - that we can move forward.”

Suddenly, Severus realised that this wasn’t about sex. It was about something – someone - else.

Harry lowered his head and sighed. “I guess I should start at the beginning, huh?”

Severus put a comforting hand on Harry’s leg. In a soft voice, he whispered, “That’s usually the best place to start.”

Harry took a deep breath and nodded. “Well, Seamus and I had only just started seeing each other a few weeks before the war. We hadn't really done anything yet. Well, we had, but not--” Harry paused a minute but Severus remained quiet. He wanted Harry to go at his own pace. Harry sighed again. “We … er … kissed a few times, and did other things, but that was it. I guess we just knew straight from the beginning that it was going to be more than just … shagging. We talked mostly. We had fun together. And then when the war started there wasn’t really much time for anything else. We did manage to be alone every now and then, but it was never for very long.” Harry stopped and thought for a moment. “I think we both didn’t want a quick shag for our first time. I know we’re teenager boys with hormones and all but I think we both wanted it to mean something. Who knew I was so romantic, huh?” he laughed nervously. “Anyway, I also think that we were afraid that we might hurt the other one as well. We knew enough that, for men anyway, it had to be done carefully and should never be rushed.

“When we were finally able to be alone, well, we knew others might show up at any moment and so we sort of attacked each other. Stolen kisses I guess they call it. It was very intense,” Harry smiled as he remembered and glanced up at Severus who smiled warmly. Harry looked back down at his twisting hands. “A few times we forgot about the risk of getting caught and … well, there wasn’t enough time to get naked – to feel each other - but that’s when we did … other things.” Harry frowned. “I don’t even know what he looks like. I know what he feels like … tastes like, but I just wish--”

Harry shook his head and continued. “Anyway, we were with a team of others – Patti Patil, Tonks, Remus and Neville - and a group of Death Eaters caught us by surprise. The team got separated and Seamus and I ran away and we hid in a small cave. So small that we had to lie side by side. Seamus began to talk about … Have you ever known someone who wasn’t afraid to talk about death? Someone who was realistic about it? Well, that was Seamus. He wanted to make sure that if something was ever happen to him - that I wouldn’t wallow in grief. He wanted me to move on with my life and not become a lonely, old bitter man.”

Harry peered up at Severus and smiled wryly. “Sorry but I think he was referring to you.” Severus nodded that it was all right.

“Anyway, he made me promise that that would never happen to me.” Harry sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m just one of those people who don’t like to talk about death or what might happen. I guess I live too much in the present and try not to think about … anyway, in that cave, he made me promise that again. I told him I would.

“When I thought it was safe enough to leave, we crawled out of the cave to look for the others. As we were walking, Seamus saw his sack, you know, the one that we were always supposed to carry with us. Before I could stop him, he ran out into the open and … and …” Harry’s eyelids tightened. “I guess a Death Eater was standing by watching, thinking someone might come back for it. That’s when Seamus was hit.” Harry took a shaky breath and hugged his chest. “It was Macnair who had struck Seamus. I killed him and then ran over to Seamus. He was hit bad, but I guess some part of me thought that- that he’d be all right. I couldn’t find the cave, I honestly didn’t think we could've fit in it any way, but I did find a secluded area and put up several wards to shield us.

“After I felt that it was secure enough, I finally was able to look at his wound. It was bad. I knew then that--” Harry swallowed hard. “I knew there wouldn’t be enough time to find someone to help us. Seamus knew he was going to die and he wanted me to leave, but I couldn’t. I just … couldn’t.” Harry stopped to rub his eyes. He took a deep breath and continued. “Well, as you know, every bag had a small phial of pain potion and a small dosage of healing potion, so I gave him both. It was all I could do.” Harry paused then smiled. “I knew from experience that they tasted awful and Seamus, well, he had some choice words to say about you.”

Harry glanced over at Severus and looked apologetic. “Sorry.” Severus smiled back.

“Anyway, Seamus started cracking jokes that if I was a Potions master, I’d probably make it taste like--” Harry grinned and blushed. “Well, either that or chocolate frogs. He also joked that I would be better at potion making than you. I told him anyone would be better at it than you.” He smiled at Severus again. “We had a good laugh over it for quite awhile and then--” Harry closed his eyes. “Seamus stopped laughing. He just fell silent. I thought maybe … I thought maybe …” Harry choked. He held his breath and then shook his head, trying to clear it. “Anyway, I laid down next to him and held him in my arms and began to cry. I’d never seen anyone die – not that I remember anyway - so all I could do is hold him. I ended up falling asleep I guess because a bit later Seamus woke me up. He told me that my mum had given him a message to give to me. I knew then he was close to dying. I’ve heard that if you see someone who is already dead, then you’re close to it.

“Anyway, I didn’t know what to do. Call me selfish, but I had hoped that he would've died in his sleep. I didn’t want to see … I didn’t want to watch him die. Then he began to talk to me about - I don’t really remember all of it, but I know he must have been delirious or something because, of what I do remember, what he said didn’t make any sense.”

There was a long silence and Severus finally spoke up. “It’s all right, Harry. You don’t have to tell me.”

Harry turned to face him. “No, no I want to. I need to. He said…”


~*~*~*~*~


”Harry?”

“I’m here.”

“You’d be good at potions you know. You would.”

“Shh, Seamus. You need to get some rest now. The others will be here soon. You’ll see. It will be all right. You’ll be just fine.”

“Tell me you would.”

“Seamus--”

“Tell me.”

“Of course, I would. Anyone would, remember?”

“And you made me a promise, Harry. Tell me you’ll keep it.”

“Seamus, please. Please don’t talk like that. You know I don’t--”

“Promise me, Harry. I want to hear you say it.”

“I promise I will.”

“Good.”

“…”

“Harry?”

“Yes?”

“I can help you. I’m a right bastard, but I can help you. We can help each other.”

“Please, don’t…”

“We can. And I can make you happy … just don’t be … alone …”

“Seamus. Seamus? Seamus? NO!!

“…”

“Oh gods. Seamus … I love you. I will always love you.”


~*~*~*~*~


“You see? He must have been delirious. I mean why would he bring up our shared joke right before he died? And why … why did he call himself a-a bastard? Why?”

Harry looked over at Severus as if he somehow had the answer, but then quickly turned away.

“I don’t know, Harry,” he whispered and Harry nodded. “I think he just wanted you to be happy.”

Harry looked up and nodded again. “I know. I just wish I knew why.” He glanced away then sighed. “This might sound like a ridiculous reason, but I … well, when I woke up at St Mungos after the war ended, all I could think about was becoming a Potions master. Maybe in some sick, deranged way I thought it would bring Seamus back. Or maybe--” he closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know why.”

Severus sat next to Harry, cupped his face and turned it towards him. He wiped a tear away with his thumb. “It’s all right, Harry.”

“I’m sorry, Severus.”

“Whatever for?”

“For not telling you sooner.”

“You weren't ready.”

“I know, but you’ve been so patient.”

“And I would’ve waited forever.”

Harry looked into Severus’ eyes and smiled. “I know you would have.”

There was another long pause.

“Harry. Is he the reason why you never wanted to … go any further than we already have?”

“No! That’s not it. It’s … I guess I just felt--”

“Guilty? Of betraying Seamus’ memory?”

“No. It’s because … Well, I just never expected for us to, you know, get together, but now that we have, I just … I couldn’t let it go any further because it felt like I was keeping a secret from you and … it just felt wrong. Like I was deceiving you by not telling you everything.” He sighed deeply. “Does that make any sense?”

“Of course it does,” Severus answered earnestly then held out his arms, and Harry immediately went into them. After a minute, Severus whispered, “I thought maybe it was because … well, it doesn’t matter now.”

Harry pulled away and frowned. “Please tell me, Severus. No more secrets, all right?”

Severus smiled and then a pink tint crossed over his cheeks. “You’ve always made comments about my--” he glanced down at his lap then looked back up at Harry.

Harry’s eyebrows raised and then half-laughed. “What? You thought it was about that?”

Severus nervously cleared his throat. “Well, I didn’t know what else to think.”

Harry smiled mischievously. “You may be big, Severus Snape, but you are not that big.”

Severus’ eye twitched and sat up a little straighter. “I see,” he drawled.

Harry laughed and pulled Severus to him. “Don’t be mad. I’m only playing.” Severus raised a skeptical brow. “I’m sure it works fine.”

Severus growled and tossed Harry back, landing on top of him with Harry still laughing. He started attacking Harry's throat causing more laughter. Finally, Harry nudged on Severus’ shoulder to move up. Severus looked down at him smiling, but Harry's face was turned away.

“Harry?”

“Are you … mad at me?

Severus smiled. “No, I believe I am used to your sense of humour by now. Although in the future, I would appreciate it if ‘it’ wasn’t referred to as ‘that thing’.

“Fair enough,” Harry said with a small grin. Then it faded. “Actually, I meant are you mad at me for my reasons for wanting to become a Potions master?

“Not at all,” Severus said softly, brushing a lock of hair out of Harry's eyes.

“And what Seamus said about you? About your … inability of making potions and all?”

“I am certain that I have heard worse, but no. I wasn’t. I’m not offended. And Harry. I was serious. There's no need to rush anything. I can wait.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Severus paused and studied Harry hard. “Are you certain?”

“Yes,” Harry said smiling. He pulled Severus’ fingers to his mouth.

“Mr Potter. What may I ask are you doing?” He gasped when his fingers were led down Harry’s body. “I-I don’t want to hurt you, Harry.”

“You won't. I trust you.”

Severus leaned down and grazed his lips over Harry’s. “I will never hurt you.”

“I know. Now come on. I think we’ve waited long enough.”

“Impudent brat.”

“And you like it.”


~*~*~*~*~


“Harry?”

“Yes?”

“He can help you. He’s a right bastard, but he can help you. You can help each other.”

“Please, don’t….”

“You can. And he can make you happy … just don’t be … alone …”


~*~*~*~*~


The end

Roedhunt
2007