Divided

Chapter 6 Authors Note: Many thanks to my beta’s! Alicia & Alexandra (sorry lol I hate it when people spell my name wrong too.) (We’re like the 3 A’s lol.) They are brilliant as always. Also, if you like smut (which I think you all do…) you should check out the one shot I just posted. It’s called Mine and is D/H of course.



Chapter 6 Devastated



I couldn’t move from my chair, and this time it wasn’t because of a hex, courtesy of Harry. No this was my own doing. I should have known and I should have pieced it together much sooner, years ago even. It was the only explanation and it was so obvious once I thought of it. Harry was a menace with that damn invisibility cloak.



He had witnessed the entire exchange between my father and me. I groaned to myself, vividly recalling the conversation. I hadn’t meant a word of it of course. I had planned to defy my father, only pacifying him for the time being until I could devise a plan, but how would Harry have known that?



Well he would have known if he just stuck around and asked, but still… what I said. What I said about Harry, Merlin I would have left me too. It was entirely my fault, if I had just stood my ground and told father that I was not leaving Harry to become his perfect little Malfoy heir, it would have all been fine. Well, no not fine, I would have been sent to Durmstrang or back to the manor to complete my exams, under house arrest and unable to see or speak or write to Harry.



At least then he would have known the truth though. That I loved him more than words could articulate, that I would risk my life and my livelihood just to belong to him. I realized that I did belong to him all that time… my first love, my truest love, and I would never forget him. Even after years of wondering, I still loved him.



It hurt to think of what could have been, what I missed. I could have finished school and then Harry and I would have run away together and I would have had him all to myself. Ten years wasted because I was too big a coward to stand up to my own father.



What could I say to that? I could tell him that I didn’t mean it, but why would he believe me? He heard it with his own ears. “It’s only sex after all,” I repeated the loathsome words in my head.



Even if I had just stayed silent, even then I could have found a way to explain it that sounded plausible. I was only saying what I knew Lucius wanted to hear, what I had been taught to say in such situations. But it didn’t excuse it. It didn’t erase it from poor Harry’s ears.



I didn’t deserve him. Father had been wrong all along, it wasn’t me who was better off without Harry; it was Harry who was better off without me.



--



I’m not sure why I finally told him the truth, it’s not as though I thought he deserved it, but he had been honest with me, so I felt I owed him the same.



I had only ever relayed vague details to Hermione about everything that happened all those years ago, and I felt somewhat relieved to have it off my chest. I felt like I could possibly put it all behind me, once and for all.



I could work side by side with my former Slytherin lover and keep a calm detachment. It would be easier now that he knew the truth; now that he had an idea of how much he hurt me, and how well I knew of his betrayal.



I wondered if he would see it the same, as a betrayal, or if he ever thought of it. The fact that I had overheard him with his father that evening surely seemed to surprise him. Had he really thought me so naïve that I would take him back after that? Why would he even want me back, after he made everything clear about his feelings for me, or lack thereof, to his father.



Was I just some trophy to him? Would he not stop until my head was stuffed and mounted on his wall, the great many conquests of Draco Malfoy? If that was all it was though, wouldn’t he be over it by now, or does James Evans give him a new identity to conquer? Either way, I was stronger than I was at seventeen, and I would not let him break through my iron will, no matter how sweet or appealing he still was.



--



Hermione had set up a private dinner date for her and I, saying she had a surprise visitor for me. Anything was better than eating in the Great Hall, trying not to breathe Draco’s sweet scent. So for a change, I didn’t argue with her or demand she tell me who was meeting with us. She knew better than to bring anyone I wouldn’t want to see. I had been in a foul enough mood since that afternoon with Draco, and I could tell she was making an effort to cheer me up.



I was halfway to the hospital wing, lost in thought, when a barrage of glistening red hair assaulted me, nearly knocking me off my feet. I leaned back to look at the face of Ginny, winking coquettishly at me. I grinned and pulled her into another tight hug. “Gin, it’s so good to see you!” I exclaimed, and really it was.



I missed everyone, being shut away in the castle all the time. I rarely had contact with anyone on the outside world. Every person who saw me was a possibility of being found out, so I didn’t leave the castle often, usually only to Hogsmeade, which was just an extension of Hogwarts really.



All the Weasleys, however, knew my secret and kept it well. They were family and though they, like Hermione, tried to change my mind, they would never do anything to out me to the public.



Ginny looked lovely. She was practically glowing from being a few months pregnant. I kissed her tenderly on the cheek and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on her growing belly. “How are our little guys?” I asked the un-answering bump.



Ginny laughed and rolled her eyes. “Why won’t anyone listen to me? I still think it’s a girl,” she said, still laughing.



I shook my head. “Whatever you say, Gin, I bet its twin boys, just like Fred and George. We’re going to have our hands full, the whole lot of us with those two.” I replied.



“Ugh, you’re a monster, you and mum both,” she groaned as she took my hand and led me off to the hospital ward. Being with Ginny immediately cheered me up, and I found myself looking forward to spending time with her after the events of the week.



We were going to Ron and Hermione’s cottage in Hogsmeade for dinner. It was my favorite, and most commonly used, place outside the castle. It had a cozy charm that reminded me so much of the burrow. It would be even better having dinner there, just the four of us.



--



I took the long way around to the great hall, hoping to speak to Hermione before she went to dinner. I just didn’t know who else to turn to. She was Harry’s best friend and the only person who seemed to know about our history, plus, loath as I was to admit it, she was brilliant.



I rounded the corner and spotted Harry with a tall beautiful red head in the hall. I ducked back behind the corner and peeked around to keep my eye on the exchange. I felt guilty for about half a second until I realized that Harry eavesdropping on me was what got us into this whole mess… so he started it.



It felt childish even thinking it, but I wasn’t beyond acting childish at this point.



She was hugging him tightly, and much to my chagrin he was hugging her back just as fervently. That made me feel a little sick, but then when he kissed her I felt worse. It quickly spiraled downhill when he stepped back and I saw her slightly bulging belly. He leaned down and kissed her stomach, and cooed at it. I couldn’t hear them well, but I could have sworn he called it ‘ours’ and I thought I might faint.



Who the hell was the woman, and how had she taken my Harry away? Of course I knew the answer to the latter already. I had left Harry broken with my thoughtless words, and she must have been there to pick up the pieces and set things right.



So that was it. The real reason why he spurned my every advance, he was married, or at least having a baby, with someone else. I wanted to cry, to get angry, to yell and scream and plead for him to leave her and come back to me, but I knew better.



I had caused him damage and he had moved on. It was fair, to be expected even, especially after all the time that had passed. Harry and I had actually discussed family once, and it was his dream to have one of his own at some point, though at the time he had written it off as unattainable.



I remember thinking that after Hogwarts, and after we were settled and happy, that I could see myself adopting and raising a child with Harry. Maybe a little girl with curly raven hair like his, and pale white skin like mine, or maybe a little boy that we could teach to be the best seeker in England. I could clearly picture the children in my mind, looking exactly like the best of both of us, even though they weren’t technically of either of us. Those things could all become true with magic. They would be ours, and we would love them, together.



I never told him about those ideas; too afraid he would laugh at me, though deep down I knew better, and now here he was, with a different ‘our’ that didn’t include me.



Now he was with Ginny. I recognized her at last as the she-weasel, and it made even more sense, in an ironic sort of way. Here was the girl that he left for me originally, now pregnant with his child. It served me right I suppose. Leave it to fate to twist the knife ever so delicately in my back.



As he left with her, hand in hand, I felt my heart squeezed to bursting. I slumped down against the wall, and beat the back of my head against it repeatedly, chastising myself for my enormous stupidity.



I had been so eager to see him on my first day, that I hadn’t even bothered to ask if he was dating anyone, let alone… this. Had I just assumed he missed me as much as I did him, unable to even look at another face? How long had he been seeing Ginny? Obviously a few months at least, but could it have been longer? Could he have been with her for years?



The world closed in around me as I sat, alone on the floor, my only wish was that I had a time turner.



--



I’m not sure how I got through the next week, a combination of coffee and blankness to be sure. I must have sounded like a droning moron to the students, but I couldn’t make myself care, for the first time in ten years I felt completely void of hope.



Harry attended a few of my classes sporadically, but always ignored me, and left the moment I dismissed class, which was just as well, because I didn’t know what I would have said to him. “Congratulations on having a wife and child, by the way I hate them”? Doesn’t seem like the best conversation opener.



I reasoned that they must not actually be married. Harry didn’t wear a ring and he was definitely the kind of guy who would never take it off if he had one. I wondered if they were going to get married, or wait. Maybe Ginny didn’t want to be a pregnant bride. I had heard that somewhere from one of my mother’s tittering friends, that her daughter didn’t want to look fat in her robes, so the wedding would wait until after the baby was born.



It helped to think of Ginny as vain and shallow.



That Friday, Harry attended my class last again, and this time I was determined to stop him when he left. I dismissed the class and as the final student ran out, eager to be done with classes for the weekend I’m sure, Harry got up to leave.



“Harry,” I asked quietly, and he whipped his head around to look at me. “Do you have a minute?”



He looked at me for a fleeting moment. “No, I’m afraid I don’t. I’ll see you around,” he said quickly as he strode to the door, not looking back.



“I just… wanted to congratulate you,” I said quickly, before he walked out.



He stopped and slowly turned around. “On?” he asked, curiously.



“Oh, I saw Ginevra the other day, she’s quite… pregnant. I just wanted to congratulate you… both of you.”



A slow grin played across Harry’s face. “Er… thanks. Listen, Malfoy it’s not…”



I held up a hand. “It’s okay, Harry. I should have been clever enough to ask if you were seeing anyone, I was just a little caught off guard by seeing you. I can see now why you want me to just leave you alone … I’m sorry. For everything.”



“Really?” Harry asked incredulously. “You’re going to leave me alone now… because of Gin and the babies?”



I nodded. “Yes… wait, babies? As in plural?”



Harry laughed. “Yeah, Mione and I and even Gin’s mum think its twins. We won’t know for another few weeks.”



My face dropped. “Oh… well again… congrats, and sorry. I’ll see you around, Harry.”



He paused at the door for a moment, seemingly debating something over and over in his head, but finally shrugged and left.



I could feel the silence of him leaving as a palpable presence, smothering me and crushing me under its weight. Everything I had been waiting for was suddenly and inexorably out of my grasp.



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