At the Shore of The Heart

Hermione put down her quill and sighed deeply. Lucy’s death had affected her more than she had realised at the time, and she often found her thoughts drifting to the young woman who had been so cruelly cut down just as her life was starting.



It was also making Hermione take stock of her own life, and she had just made a radical decision to take six months leave. She had discussed it at length with the chief medi-wizard and had assured him that she would return to her post. She just needed some space to breathe.



She also needed some time away from Edward. She bit her lip thoughtfully, pondering their current impasse. His proposal had come out of nowhere, or so it had seemed at the time. Then he had explained that Lucy’s death had also made him think about his own life, and his own future. He wanted a wife and children, and life was too short to put that off for much longer, he had said to her. And Hermione could understand his thinking. But where Edward had the urge to settle and put down roots, Hermione wanted to grab life with both hands and go and experience some of the world, before domestic life took over. She also wanted a family and a husband to share life with, but not right now. And she had never seen herself walking down the aisle with Edward.



Shaking her head, Hermione folded the parchment and handed it to the owl beside her. She knew it was cowardly to tell him she was going away in a letter, but she knew that if she tried to tell him to his face, they would argue, and she really didn’t want to part on bad terms. She glanced at the clock and stood up hastily. She was running late. She grabbed a handful of Floo powder and left.





*******



Severus sat staring at his fireplace with a scowl on his face. He knew she wouldn’t want to hear what he had to say, and he hated to let her down. But he just couldn’t do it. It was as simple as that.



He let his gaze drift to the framed photograph above the mantle, and smiled sadly. His wedding day had been his happiest, but each day without Lucy made it feel like a different lifetime. In fact, there were some days he looked back and it felt as if he was watching somebody else’s’ life, as if Lucy had never really been his. He was scared he was forgetting her, and he looked at the photograph often, so he would always remember her face.



In the beginning, time had passed slowly. Nights had been spent in endless hours awake, staring at the ceiling, or pacing the house. Many a stray cat would find Severus Snape for company when he was walking at three o’clock in the morning, until eventually exhaustion would win out, and he would sleep for days on end. Well, he would have done if Hermione had let him.



Then there was the crying. It washed over him in waves when he least expected it, leaving him an emotional mess and his eyes red raw from brushing his tears away in frustration.



And then had come the anger. For a full week, he hated Lucy for leaving him, hated Hermione for trying her hardest to keep her promise and most all, he hated all of those couples wrapped around each other when he went walking, holding hands, kissing, smiling, laughing and generally being in love. Couldn’t they see he was in pain? Didn’t they understand that their happiness compounded his loneliness? No one understood how he was feeling, and his anger had boiled over during one of Hermione’s regular visits. He had railed at her, shouted, used his wand to try and hex her, and she had stood there calmly and let him, until the fight went out of him, and he broke down in sobs yet again.



Severus jumped as Hermione stepped out of the Floo, and grimaced a little as she looked about the room.



‘I still don’t understand why you had to move back here,’ she frowned at him, brushing the soot from her clothes.



‘I couldn’t stay in the other house. I told you that before. And besides,’ Severus stood up slowly and towered over her slightly, ‘it suits my mood.’



‘It’s only been five months, Severus. No one expects you to get through this overnight, but really. Holing yourself up here,’ she shook her head, ‘ it’s not healthy.’



‘Did you speak to Edward?’ Severus arched his eyebrow at her.



‘Clever change of subject,’ Hermione plonked herself down into an armchair, ‘and no. I didn’t. I owled him, actually.’



‘Cowardly of you,’ he murmured.



Hermione flushed slightly and stared up at him. ‘I know,’ she agreed, biting her lip, ‘but I couldn’t bear a scene, especially when he finds out you’re coming with me.’



Severus hesitated for a brief moment, then took a breath, ‘I’m not coming, Hermione.’



‘What?’ she raised her eyes and caught his gaze, ‘but we agreed. It will do you good, and we both need a break. Don’t be silly. You have to come.’



Severus’s jaw set firmly and he scowled at her. ‘You know, I am getting tired of you telling me what I should do and what is good for me. I do not think you promised my wife that you would brow beat me into taking a holiday I do not want to take,’ he said slowly, a slight edge in his voice.



Hermione paled slightly and felt as if he had slapped her. He was right. The only reason she had visited him in the beginning was to fulfil Lucy’s promise, but more recently she had hoped they had become friends and that he enjoyed her company as much as she enjoyed his. It seemed she had assumed too much. She stood up and grabbed some Floo powder, then turned to him.



‘You’re right, Severus. Forgive me. I think I have fulfilled my promise to Lucy, as I said I would. I hope you can find happiness again someday,’ she nodded at him as he stared at her, his mouth open as he realised she was leaving without trying to change his mind.



‘Hermione, I..’ he started, not knowing what it was he wanted to say.



‘It’s perfectly all right, Severus. I understand. Perhaps I will owl you on my return, see how you’re getting on?’ she smiled at him a little, then Flooed away.



Severus stared at the empty space where she had been standing, and realised that he had just pushed away his only friend.





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Please leave a review.... I hope you dont feel I have glossed over Severus\'s grieving too much... you get the gist though, don\'t you?