The Firewhisky In The Punch

Further Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy. It belongs to Fox and whomever is involved with the show. I make no money from this.

A/N: All right now, this story, needs a longer explanation than the others. The quote used is from a Family Guy episode (no, I won't explain because it was plain weird so you'll have find the episode yourself) and when I heard it, I had one idea in mind for it. But then, when I was writing it, it came out totally different. I have honestly no clue how it happened, but there it is. The first fic here, is the second idea (the accident) I got and the second story is what I had in mind the first time. There will be a break so you'll know where the first ends. Also, this quote is a good one so I really encourage other writers to use it!

Quote: It's exactly what it looks like.

Story: Story


Harry shook his head as he heard his best friends begin to argue again. In the past week (and, yes, sadly, he was keeping count), they had had a record of 19 fights. Not about anything important, really. Just little things. He knew it had something to do with Lavender clinging to Ron a lot lately and Krum sending more letters, but since his friends never argued about those things except when the week had begun, he really didn't know.

He'd have loved to tell them to get it over with and fuck already, but he didn't want to start a fight with them since they'd been short tempered.

No. He'd rather leave his fights to that git, Malfoy.

Well, not git. And he didn't exactly act like "Malfoy" anymore. Not since the war. They also didn't fight as much anymore.

Which, now that Harry thought about it, was kind of...depressing.

With all the arguing Hermione and Ron were doing, Harry had nothing to distract him. He could either listen to said arguing or stare into space. Neither option was appealing since he couldn't listen to their arguing without getting confused and frustrated and he could stare into space because it would fuel the rumors that he had become demented after defeating Voldemort..

Harry sighed as he heard Ron say something stupid, followed swiftly by Hermione's answering huff, and knew that he was either in for some spectacular blow up or several minutes of strained silence.

Luckily, for him, he got neither.

For in the calm that followed Hermione's huff (it was like the calm before the storm, really), Harry had passed a broom closet and heard...well, he wasn't sure what, but he knew it wasn't likely to be Filch looking for a broom or cleaning supply or even Mrs. Norris.

It actually sounded like...

"Um, mate, do you really want to--" Ron started, looking pale.

Harry rolled his eyes and opened the door anyway. He knew very well what those noises sounded like and he knew that Ron, Mr. Straight, hated to hear those in the dorm room. (Seamus and Dean...need he say anything else?)

The door was open and there was that silence again, the one that proceeded a storm.

Which, of course, lasted only 5 seconds. Hermione made a strangled sort of sound, blushing bright red, and Ron looked ready to faint. Harry just smirked and raised his eyebrows.

This certainly raised his spirits considerably.

Mal--Draco, with his pants bunched at his knees, hand wrapped around his penis, with a life size doll of Harry on the other side of the closet.

Looking at his sudden audience, Draco bit his lip and said, very quietly, "It's...um...it's exactly what it looks like." There was embarrassment, obviously, but he didn't seem ashamed to be caught, literally, with his pants down.

Harry sighed, a little confused, but willing to go with this stroke of luck. He looked over his shoulder at his friends. "Go ahead to the Great Hall and keep arguing. Or go fuck. I'm staying here."

Draco laughed at their expressions and Harry closed the closet door behind him.

Out in the hall, Ron was leaning against the dungeon wall, gaping like a fish. Hermione looked confused. They both jumped when there was a sudden thud and a loud moan.

"What did you say, Ronald?" Hermione finally snapped, desperate for a distraction.

Ron nodded, having similar thoughts, and didn't think twice about repeating what he had said a few minutes before.

After all, he really didn't want to know what it exactly looked like.

Or, it could have happened like this:

"Oh yes!...Harder!...Faster!...Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkk!"

Ron Weasley, the poster boy for straight boys all across the world, stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned to look at the closest he happened to be passing on the way to the kitchens. Though the words had stopped, there still was plenty of grunting and moaning streaming from the closed door.

Then, suddenly, there was a scream of, "Harry!" and it didn't sound very happy.

Now, Ron knew there were several other boys in the school who had the first name "Harry", but well, he was straight and he was sure that his best mate was, too. He, naturally, wanted to be sure that whoever was behind the door was not his best mate.

If it wasn't, well...he was a prefect, right? Even though he was in his pajamas, he could just tell the two...boys...that he was out patrolling because of a tip off from the Head Girl and dock points and in the morning, tell the Heads of House.

Yeah. That was good. He'd be sure to tell 'Mione in the morning that he'd actually had a plan in mind before bursting in. She'd be proud.

Squaring his shoulders, he pulled open the door (and he did spare a second to wonder why the boys hadn't thought of a locking charm) and opened his mouth to tell them off. Only, nothing came out of his mouth.

Instead, he stood, wide eyed, mouth gaping open. If anything came out of his mouth, it was something like, "Guh?". He really meant to say something along the lines of, "What the fuck?".

Draco looked ready to burst out laughing and Harry, well, Harry was swallowing rapidly and licking his lips, looking confused, but ready to do something. As soon as he thought of something.

Finally, Harry sighed and said, "It's exactly what it looks like."

Ron blinked. And then promptly fainted. Harry sighed again, but didn't look a bit upset. Draco rolled his eyes and wiggled his arse, reminding Harry exactly where he'd been when they'd been interrupted.

"Oh, right." Harry chuckled, shifted his hips a bit (the shock of having the door opened had caused him to shift a bit), and began to pound again into his boyfriend's arse.