Obsession

Lucius was sitting in his study’s library, reading. He tried to ignore how lined his hands were. He was no longer a man in his prime; rather, one well into his twilight years. He felt old’ something he thought he’d never suffer. Lucius marked his place and set the book aside and walked to the window. He looked outside. His knees ached and all the warmth seeped out of him. Truth be told, he hadn’t felt properly warm since that long ago night.

Harry was getting on in years, now celebrating the birth of his fourth grandchild. What did Lucius have to show for his life: a gorgeous, but empty manor, no wife, no children, and no friends. He was alone. He could have had Harry, if only he was able to decipher those dreams earlier; if one he was more familiar with emotions; especially love. Then he would have, could have recognized those feelings earlier. Feeling properly depressed, Lucius decided to go to bed. He never woke up.


Lucius looked around and found himself in a place even more beautiful than the manor. It was bright and cheerful, and Lucius immediately felt like he had come home.

“Lucius.”

He turned and froze when he saw her. She glowed; there was no other word for it. Her hair formed a halo about her, and her face was happier than he’d ever seen it.

“Mother?” She smiled and nodded before opening her arms. Numbly, Lucius walked forward and received a hug, reminding him of how safe and protected he felt in his mother’s arms. He said the first thing that came to mind.

“I’m sorry.”

She ran her hand through his hair, calming him.

“Shh. I know, but you’re here now. Things are better, they are right.”

Lucius lifted his head and looked around.

“You’re dead.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “What am I doing here? I thought…”

“You thought that you would go to hell? What nonsense. Do you believe your crimes are worth keeping you out of paradise?”

“I would think that decision has been made, that I would suffer.”

“Only one who truly deserves to suffer will. Your uncle thought he should get paradise, but he was denied access. Buy you my son, have a heart that is good, you were just never given the chance to follow it. If you feel you deserve eternal punishment, then by all means; suffer. But remember, it is for eternity.”

With a kiss to each cheek, his mother left, or rather, she disappeared. Only to be replaced by Dumbledore. Lucius thought the choice that he suffer was already made for him if he was seeing the old man.

“Ah, Lucius, I am pleased to see you.”

“I’m sure.” Lucius wanted to say that he didn’t return the sentiment, but found he couldn’t do so with honesty. How odd.

Dumbledore just smiled and conjured a chair. He didn’t sit in it, instead he walked around Lucius.

“I’d like to thank you. For looking after Harry.”

“What are you on about?”

Instead of answering, Albus just smiled. “I will wait to tell you. Come join me for tea some time.”

Then, the irritating man disappeared. Lucius sat in the chair. Why should he get to go to paradise? Did he deserve damnation?

“You used to be surer of what you wanted. Or did that only go so far as which dessert you wanted?”

Lucius looked up and then stood up, the breath leaving his lungs. His father. The man stood tall and proud, every bit the Malfoy aristocrat. Lucius found he couldn’t look his father in the eye.

“I also thought I had raised my son to have more backbone than you are showing, regardless of the fact that you were so young when I died.”

“I am not certain I deserve the honor of being your son. There is too much blackness, too much foulness stained upon my soul.”

“Nonsense. You made mistakes, but when it mattered, you got your head on straight.”

“Not through any desire or plan of my own, I assure you, sir.”

“Does that really matter? You got it right in the end.”

“And what did I have to show for it?” Lucius turned to look his father in the eyes, frustration coloring his voice. “No family, no friends; only a house and some books. Relics of a time long past that no one but a Malfoy could truly appreciate.”

“Self-pity is unbecoming of a Malfoy Lord, Lucius. And you had more than you thought. You had the respect of the wizarding world. You had power and influence, of the positive kind. You had the love of a young man.”

Lucius walked behind the chair, resting his hands on the back. “Which I threw back in his face.”

“True, when you didn’t understand what you were feeling. But you stepped back and let him have his happy life with another. You could have stopped that, but you didn’t.”

Lucius sat back down and said tiredly, “Altruism was not something to which I ever aspired. I merely gave up hope.”

“Then my son, I suggest you find that hope and make the right choice.” There sounded as if more should have been added to that sentence, but Lucius couldn’t think what. He couldn’t ask his father because the man had left. He stood and wished for his cane, noticing for the first time how smooth the skin on his hands were. He felt his face and found it smooth too.

Throughout the three conversations, Lucius had the feeling he was missing something. He blamed his dying because he was not usually so slow. Unless one counted saying no to Harry; or joining the Dark Lord, or not killing his uncle sooner. Lucius stopped those thoughts, not liking the conclusion they led to.

Why would so many people want him in Heaven? And why would he want to go?

“Lucius? What are you doing here?”

He turned at the sound. He knew that voice.

“Harry, what are you doing here?”

The green-eyed man gave Lucius a strange look. “I died.”

“What? How? When? I’ve only just died, and you’re still so young.”

“Lucius, you died over half a century ago.”

Lucius sat down in the chair, stunned. Fifty years? He had been here that long? Didn’t time mean anything up here?

“This must be a sort of limbo. Why are you still here?”

Lucius smiled at Harry’s question with a touch of self mockery and answered, “It seems I was meant to wait for you before I made my decision.”

Harry’s eyebrows rose at that.

“I don’t see. What decision?”

“Whether to enter paradise or eternal damnation.”

Harry came closer. “Which do you think you deserve?”

“When I died, I would have said Hell, but now…now I
wonder.”

Harry stood in front of Lucius and the chair. It was a scene so reminiscent of that one so long ago. Lucius leaned forward and slowly brought his lips to Harry’s. The kiss was chaste, a mere brushing of lips. Harry’s were moist and soft; still a little chapped. Lucius ended the kiss, separating their lips by only a hairsbreadth.

“I want you. I have since that summer before your sixth year; I just didn’t know it until too late. By then I’d already pushed you away. Could you forgive me my foolishness? Can you learn to love me again?”

Harry was silent for so long that Lucius feared that all hope was lost.

“Yes.”

Lucius opened eyes he didn’t even know he’d closed.

“What?”

Harry smiled patiently and said, “Let me in on a little secret. I never stopped loving you.”

That warmth Lucius missed for so long returned, hotter than before. And he felt again—he felt whole and…happy.

“It is about time you chose.”

Lucius wasn’t surprised to hear Severus’ voice.

“I think I’ll choose Hell, as an eternity in Heaven with Snape would be the same thing.”

The man sent Harry a glare that would have fell a lesser man. As it was, Harry moved closer to Lucius.

“It will be no paradise for me either, Potter, as if there weren’t enough of you here. But, be that as it may, I believe Heaven is large enough so as not to present the problem of meeting each other frequently.”

Severus gave Harry a not that only the two of them seemed to understand, then left. Harry turned to Lucius and smiled, kissing him again.

“Ready.”

Lucius nodded, feeling expectant.

There, this is the happy ending. It fits with the rest of the story in that they had to die to be together. And, it is actually pretty DH compliant. Weird. Lucius is way OOC, but chalk it up to him dying. I'd be pretty out of sorts then too, I think. Whatever. Thanks for reading. The story changed from what I'd originally thought it would be, but in the end, it grew on me, fungus like. Or maybe like cabbage-I had to learn to like it. I hope you all enjoyed it too, or at least learned to like cabbage.