Every Second of My Life

I did not see Tonks again until much later.

I had managed, with immense difficulty and quite a bit of hanging around in dodgy pubs trying to look menacing, to infiltrate a much larger werewolf community than I had before. It took me almost a month to convince them to let me come to their camp, and it was nearly Christmas before I had garnered enough trust for them to allow me to leave. Things did not go well on the front of convincing them to mistrust Voldmort, either.

So it was with great relief that I finally apparated to The Burrow for a week, to spend Christmas and New Year’s with people who ate their food cooked, and who showered every day.

Hygiene has always been a diversion of mine, you see.

At any rate, I was liberated from my fellow werewolves, and I was terribly happy. I spent the week eating Molly’s sinfully delicious food, and trying to convince Harry and his friends to call me Remus. I finally managed to get the Weasley twins to stop calling me Professor, but they had taken to impishly calling McGonagall “Minerva” since joining the Order, so this wasn’t taken as much of a success.

Of course, I was haunted by pink hair, but it had become a tradition for me to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of her.

Molly kept directing awkward questions to me about Tonks, and I evaded them tiredly.

I was surprised, however, during Christmas dinner, when Harry asked me about Tonks’ patronus changing form. This shocked me deeply. I explained to him that only a deep emotional upheaval would have caused her patronus to change form, as it is so close to the form of one’s soul. I spoke slowly, thinking that my refusal would have surely not…

“It was big, and had four legs…” he said, but, thankfully, before he could get much farther, the Minister of Magic interrupted us.

The next ten minutes were spent trying to stop the twins and Ginny from throwing something sharp or on fire into their estranged brother’s person. I have to say that my half-heartedness was less to do with Percy Weasley being a “shameless ass-kissing Ministry slag” (quote courtesy of Fred Weasley) and more to do with Harry’s seemingly innocent queries on the nature of patronuses.

As it was, I had quite a bit to think about.

It was really a terrible experience, having to leave the warm, friendly Burrow and head back to that dreary forest, to live in a clumsily constructed shanty with at least five other ill-mannered men. I froze my ass off every night, thinking that I would be far better off living in the Shrieking Shack.

I really tried. Really, I did. By mid-February, I had about ten people I could count on to at least be uncooperative with Voldemort, and another twenty who were pretty sure they might not entirely be on Voldemort’s side.

The rest of the substantial community, however, was solidly on the side of Fenrir Greyback, who, thankfully, I had not come into direct contact with.

I’d had some dreary Valentine’s Days in my lifetime, but, as I sat in the freezing rain waiting for one of my “roommates” (some fantastic asshole who’d crashed in our overcrowded shanty) to finish with the “loo” (a hole in the ground) I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

He came out came up the little incline, doing his pants up.

“Eh, sorry,” he said, indicating the pit, “Those rabbit’s ain’t home cookin’, am I right?”

He clapped his hand on my shoulder and made his way back to our shanty.

“Right.” I said aloud, “Fuck this,” and disapparated.

Arriving at Mad-Eye’s house, where it had been agreed upon I should go in case of trouble, I explained to the old auror that I’d done the best I could, the conditions were heinous, the others were starting to get suspicious, and everything else I could think of, just to be able to use his shower.

He nodded along with the explanation of my appearance, but then stopped me as I went looking for a bar of soap.

“Not so fast, laddie…” he growled at me, “You’re not mucking up my pipes until you tell me what it is you said to Tonks that’s got her all in a twist, not even able to metamorph properly.”

He fixed me with both eyes, and I must admit I gulped a bit, before answering in a steady voice, “I told her not to get involved with me…”

He rolled his eyes, and the blue one kept rolling. “That’s what I thought, you bloody idiot. Something to do with being too dangerous, no doubt?”

I sighed, “Yes, among other things.”

“Well, boy, let me tell you that I’ve seen Tonks bring down wizards twice her size and age, and hardly break a sweat. Few people could stand up to the Lestrange woman for so long and live to tell about it.” he squinted his real eye at me “Your little werewolf is hardly a match for her. Now go take a bloody shower, you’re mucking up my carpet.”

I did just that. I spent a good long time in Mad-Eye’s guest bathroom, washing months of grime off of me, and a few moments convincing myself that it would be massively rude to wank myself off to Tonks in his shower.

My clothes and other belongings had been moved to Mad-Eye’s from Grimmauld Place, and I put on decent clothes with a sigh of relief before meeting Kingsley at the Leakey Cauldron for a stiff drink, a warm meal, and news.

For the next month, life returned to a somewhat more normal routine. I got a job helping Aberforth out with his pub, which gave me three squares, as well as a home. I also kept up with my work for the Order, as Aberforth was himself a member, allowing me to leave at all hours of the day or night to whomever or whatever needed me. I was part of the team that patrolled Hogwarts every night, but luckily I was on the opposite shift as Tonks.

This arrangement was…comfortable…I suppose. Being a barkeeper was never a career I’d aspired to, but I felt useful to the Order.

The days passed quickly, and I didn’t realize it was the tenth of March until letters arrived from the few people who knew my birthday. I ruffled Hedwig’s feathers before sending my thank-you back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and went downstairs to mop the floors before the evening rush (which generally consisted of a good five people).
Last Call found me removing Mundungus Fletcher bodily from the premise.

“…And for God’s sake, don’t try to apparate, you’ll kill yourself!”

A figure moved out of the darkness, saying “Really, Dung, we all seem to be tossing you out of places all the time…”

It was hard to keep from grinning at the joke when I saw her, her brown hair and brown eyes, her face showing none of the happiness of her smile.

“Tonks…” I said, ignoring Mundungus’ drunken sputtering, as he swayed out into the night, “What’re you doing… your watch at the castle…”

“I came to wish you a Happy Birthday,” she said, pulling a parcel from behind her back and handing it to me, “Charlie’s covering for me right now…”

I opened the package. It was a book, of course, and I barely had a moment to look at the title before I looked up and found her far to close to me.

“I…thank you…” I said softly, my eyes on her thick, full lips. I thought of my bed upstairs… how close the two of us would have to be to fit on it…”Tonks…
Nymphadora…we can’t…I can’t…” But my head tilted downward of its own accord, and my heart felt like it would burst as our lips met, her soft lips against mine, her tongue inside my mouth, it felt like a thousand years before my mind resurfaced, and my eyes opened. And I pulled away.

“I…I’m sorry…” I said, hating myself more than I ever had, “Please forgive me…”

And I turned and ran back into the bar, her birthday present held tightly in my arms as though I were a schoolboy.

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A/N: My chapters seem to be ending this way lately. Anyway, I kind of made up a lot here. The lack of Remus-based information we get is shocking, one would think Harry would want to know more about the last of his parent's friends.

Also, I was rather wondering how one goes about having sections added to the little pairing area. I find it rediculous that, although Snape/Lily is now canon, it still doesn't exist. I mean, there's a category for Sirius/Trelawney? Can anyone spell WTF?

Anyway, thanks again to my fabulous reviewers and my mysterious readers. And I apologize to you Sirius/Trelawney shippers out there for insulting you.