Some things are worth waiting for

Chapter 6: Memories and hard decisions – part 2

Harry stood silently for a few moments. He hadn’t been here for a very long time; since before the final battle, actually. He was looking at the little clearing he and Severus had used for their training sessions, away from the prying eyes of the students and Merlin knew who else.

Since this place was just outside school grounds, Harry didn’t have to worry about triggering the wards. He knew he would be undisturbed because the only way to reach this clearing was to either walk through the Forbidden Forrest, or apparating there, which required to know the exact location – and not many knew.

After a moment Harry set down the little wooden box he had brought with him and started to set up his bonfire. He worked in silence, using the preparation time to settle his nerves a bit. Finally, when he was done and the fire was burning, he sat down on the grass, Indian style, and opened the box he had brought with him.

In it, on top of several other items lay a framed picture of Severus. For long moments Harry couldn’t bring himself to touch it and take it out, because he knew then he’d really have to say goodbye. But that was what he was here for, wasn’t it?

“You can do this,” Harry told himself and lifted the picture out of the box with shaking hands. He placed it on his lap and closed the lid of the box again, carefully. Then he took a deep breath and finally focussed on Severus’ face in the non-magical picture. The face of the man he loved, frozen in time. He did not smile – Severus rarely smiled after all – but his eyes held more than enough emotion to make up for that.

“Hello, my love,” Harry murmured, stroking the picture he held, tenderly. Then he laughed, a broken half-sob. “I’d bet you’d sneer at me if I’d call you that to your face.” He paused, clutching the framed picture to his chest, “No, you would have sneered at me, Sev, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? You’re gone. That’s why I’m here. To say goodbye. To let you go. To set you free and accept that you’re not coming back.” He paused again, taking a deep breath, before looking once again at the only picture he possessed of the man he still loved with all his heart.

“Heavens, Sev, how am I supposed to go on without you? How am I supposed to survive without you watching my back? How am I supposed to raise our son without you at my side? He looks so much like you, Sev, so much…” Tears were blinding Harry but he made no attempt to wipe them away.

Then, suddenly angry, Harry jumped to his feet, pacing in front of the little bonfire he had made. “How could you, Sev’rus?”, he yelled. “How could you let yourself be taken by fucking Malfoy? How could you let him succeed when not even Voldemort managed to take you from me? How dare you leave me alone like this? I needed you, Sev, don’t you know that? I always did … I still do…” the last words were only a painful whisper.

As if he had blown all his energy with this little outburst, Harry crumbled to the ground in front of the fire again, sobbing helplessly. As quickly as his anger had come, it vanished again and it left nothing but emptiness in Harry’s heart. Somehow, during all this time, a little part of himself had been holding on, had kept believing that this somehow, miraculously was going to be alright. That it all had been a mistake, nothing but a bad dream. That somehow the famous ‘Potter luck’ was going to spare him the pain of actually losing Severus. Now it was time to face the truth. Severus was not going to come back to him. So Harry sat in silence, making himself familiar with the thought that it was finally, truly, over.

“I’m sorry, you’re not to blame, my love.” Harry finally murmured. “I know that. I know that only Lucius is to blame…” He stroked the picture again, silently. “I’m not blaming myself either, if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s like they said, I couldn’t save everyone, not even the people I love most,” he said tonelessly.

Taking a deep breath, Harry opened the small wooden box again. He took out a letter and then placed the picture back with the other things the box held. There were a few items that Severus had given him during their training, a small pensieve with memories of Severus, and the little snake figurine Harry had given to Severus for his last birthday. Poppy had brought it with her one day and had handed it over to Harry without a word.

With a wave of his hand Harry sealed the box and magically sent it to one of his vaults. Nathaniel would receive this box one day, when he was old enough to understand what had happened to his other father.

Finally, Harry knelt in front of the bonfire, letter in hand. “I wish I could hold you in my arms just one more time. I wish I could say goodbye to you properly. I wish I wouldn’t have to say goodbye at all. But I know I have to, “ he began. “In this letter, I have written down all the hopes and dreams I had, about living with you, bonding with you, loving you. Even the ones that entailed you coming back to me, helping me raise Nathaniel and any other children we could adopt. Everything that now never will be.”

He paused for a moment, watching the flames dance, before he raised his hand and dropped the letter into the fire. “Goodbye, Severus.”

ooOoo

The office didn’t look any different than any other doctor’s office he had visited during the last months; although John had to admit that the clothing of the man behind the desk was anything but usual. He was wearing some sort of turquoise robes and had a wand lying in front of him.

“Ah, there you are, Mr Doe. I hope your first travel by floo wasn’t too unpleasant?” Healer Simmons asked and shook John’s hand.

“If I am really some sort of wizard, then it wasn’t my first, was it?” John pointed out and resisted the urge to squirm under the searching eyes of the other man.

Healer Simmons broke in a wide grin, “You’re completely right, Mr. Doe. But it is the only one you remember, isn’t it?” he pointed out, gesturing for Greg, Emily and John to take a seat.

“Yes, it is.” John agreed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable when the other man lifted his wand and seemed to want to point it at him. John didn’t know why the fact that a wand was pointed at him made him so uneasy, he only knew that it did.

Healer Simmons seemed to sense John’s discomfort and hastened to assure him, “This will not hurt at all, Mr Doe. All I will do is cast an identification spell and a diagnostic spell on you, and then we will see to it that you get your memories and of course your magic back. Mrs. Smith here informed me that your wand reacted to your magic? That is very good indeed, it means the healing process has already started. You will see, we'll have you fixed in no time at all, trust me.” With that he smiled at John encouragingly and then raised his wand. “Cognosco!” A strand of silvery light emitted from the healers wand and slowly formed a name. Severus Snape.

Healer Simmons blanched and almost dropped his wand. “It’s you!” he brought out. “You’re still alive. We found you.” he stammered, and a slight unease settled in John’s stomach. Was this a good or a bad reaction? Obviously the Healer knew him, had at least heard of him, and someone had been searching for him?

Confused, John turned around a bit to look at Emily and Greg. To his surprise their faces showed the same shock that could be seen on Healer Simmons’ face. Maybe this wasn’t so good after all. Maybe he had been on the wrong side in this war Emily had told him about? Maybe they had searched for him to imprison him? John felt like he was ready to bolt, but he knew he’d never make it even to the door leave alone out of this strange hospital, wherever he was. Not only was he still none too steady on his feet without his cane, the Healer had a wand and he knew how to use it.

Mentally preparing for the blow that he was almost sure was to come, John was surprised about the words the Healer finally spoke. “Professor Snape, don’t you worry, sir. We’ll have you back to your old strength in no time. I am sure your memories can be restored as well, and before you even know it, you can go back terrorizing students and claiming your order of Merlin. First class, of course, wouldn’t do for one of our war heroes to go undecorated now, would it?” he asked something akin to awe and quite a bit of nervousness creeping into his tone.

John just stared at Simmons with a blank expression on his face. Order of Merlin? Professor? War hero? He wanted to ask all of this, wanted answers, but when he finally spoke, what came out of his mouths was, “Why would I terrorize students?“

“I think we shall put off this little conversation until you have your memories back, Professor. I’m sure all will reveal itself in due time. Now, let me have a look at those injuries of yours. I imagine that Muggle item Malfoy used must have done quite some damage, for your magic to shut down. Usually the magic only shuts down completely when the wizard is close to dying and all resources are needed to keep the body alive. In some cases, such as yours, involving a severe head injury, the magic is not able to ‘jumpstart’ itself until much later – if ever. You were very lucky that your magic is so strong, or maybe you are just more used to … injuries…” he trailed off clearly looking as if he had said too much already.

Healer Simmons then waved his wand again in John’s – no Severus’ direction and muttered a number of spells in quick succession. John – Severus felt uncomfortable under the searching eye of the Healer, feeling exposed and vulnerable. He’d never felt like this with the other doctors before. Maybe this was due to the fact that this man knew him, knew of his past when he couldn’t remember it himself. It was unnerving to say the least.

Finally, the Healer seemed to have found what he was looking for and a small smile settled over his face. “Yes, it is as I thought, Professor Snape. I can heal your injuries and also give you your memories back.”

John released a breath he had not been aware he was holding and from the corner of his eye he could see Emily and Greg relax as well. “That is so great, John, erm… Severus.” Emily exclaimed and touched his arm in an comforting manner.

“There is one exception though,” Healer Simmons spoke up again, bursting the happy bubble for them. “I will not be able to reverse the plastic surgery that has been done on your face, Professor Snape. You will have to either use a permanent glamour to change your features back to what you looked like before, or you can opt for more surgeries – magical ones – that might give the desired effect.”

“Oh,” was all John said for a moment before he asked, “could I think about it for a while? I think I’d like to get my memories and health back first, before I make such an important decision.”

“Well, of course, Professor Snape, that is the wisest thing to do. Now let's get down to business, shall we? I think I’m going to do the memory restoring charm first. Are you ready?” Simmons asked, clearly excited and thrilled about what he was about to do.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” John answered sarcastically. His stomach was churning with anticipation. He didn’t know what to expect. Fear and excitement were wrestling inside of him, making his heart beat faster and his head spin.

Then Simmons raised his hand and muttered a spell and suddenly it all came rushing back. Every little detail of the years he had forgotten, every memory he had thought lost forever. It was all there for him to grasp and hold onto. A multitude of emotions rushed over Severus’ face as he breathed out one word, “Harry…”

Severus was only vaguely aware of his surroundings, he didn’t pay attention to the Healer still whispering charms and spells at him. As a sudden jolt of energy shot through him, Severus forced his foggy mind back from the memories he was drowning in, and raised his face to look Simmons in the eyes. The Healer smiled at him knowingly, saying, “Welcome back to the wizarding world, Professor Snape. You just got your magic back.”

It was true, Severus realized. He could feel the magical energy humming inside himself, crackling just beneath his skin, making him feel more alive than he had felt since he had woken that day in the hospital bed.

At that thought, Severus had to suppress a groan. They had treated him in a Muggle hospital. It couldn’t get any more barbaric, could it? They worked with scalpels and were sewing wounds closed. Oh goodness, it was a miracle that he was indeed still alive. He’d have to tell Harry and Dumbledore and… “ His thoughts came to an abrupt halt when he realized who ‘James Evans’ really was.

He blended out the murmured spells the Healer was still bestowing on him to mend his broken bones and fix his limping. The whole meaning of what he had just discovered about Harry Potter and James Evans came crashing down on him. Harry had fled the wizarding world. Harry was in hiding. Harry didn’t know who he was or that he wasn’t dead. Harry had a son. Harry had a two year old son. Fathered shortly after the war, most likely.

‘Right after he had slept with me’ Severus thought. ‘Right after he thought he’d lost you’ his mind supplied helpfully. Damn.

Thinking frantically about how to make this mess right again, Severus came up with close to nothing. He couldn’t just walk into Harry’s life, expecting the youth to accept that his good friend John Doe – who he was about to fall for, if Severus wasn’t mistaken – was his supposedly dead one time lover. That wouldn’t go over well, not at all.

Harry would feel guilty, his Gryffindor senses would make sure of that. Not that they had declared their undying love that night, but it had been clear that it would be more than a one time thing if they survived the final battle. Severus could only imagine what must have happened after Harry thought him to be dead. The young hero surely had thrown himself at the nearest woman, seeking comfort and oblivion in a few hours of shared passion. When it had resulted in a child, Harry had done the honourable thing and married her.

Something didn’t seem to fit into this picture though and suddenly Severus knew what it was. One sentence, spoken in a grieve filled voice by someone he believed to be James Evans. Nathaniel’s mother was the love of my life…

Severus closed his eyes briefly from the pain this sentence evoked in him. For Harry had been the love of his life and most probably always would be. That another person, a woman, had managed to take this place in Harry’s heart was plain agony.

Thinking his options through quickly, Severus came to the only logical conclusion; he would have to go back to Harry and say goodbye to him properly. But he would have to do it as John Doe. This was the only way he would be able to deal with this part of his past and also his new life. There was just one big problem, though, Harry would know it was him the moment Severus came near him. That would ruin his plan completely.

Shaking free from the memories he had wallowed in, Severus finally raised his head and addressed. Simmons, “There is just one more thing I have to do before I can go back to the magical world and I need your help for this” he said, looking the healer straight in the eyes. “I need you to bind my magic again.”