Awakenings

Awakenings - Part Six


Life hadn't been going all that wonderfully, but there had been bright spots. Things that made it all the more bearable, but when you took the main one away, and it was like his world collapsed in on itself. Draco had thought that he could survive this if he had Blaise by his side; someone to talk to, someone to bounce things off, someone to vent his frustrations with. You took him away though, and he suddenly felt completely alone.

He knew he had no friends, that was painfully obvious. He really was completely alone without him. After Blaise had stormed away from him, and then refused all attempts to speak to him, Draco removed himself from everything. He went to classes, and he sat in the back, not answering questions, he sat with his head hovering over his page. He stopped eating in the Hall, when he had an appetite he ate in the kitchen with the elves. It was partly no different different to before, there was just one very obvious difference.

While Blaise was very active in his acceptance of Draco leaving him, and everyone alone. Hermione didn't. Seemed she was right when she said she was persistent. It took all of his speed and skill to avoid her in the hallways, the school owls ventured towards him carefully after his harsh treatment of them. The project they had been working on, he had abandoned. It wasn't her fault, but he treated her as if she was. She looked at him sadly in class, he could see that she wanted to sit next to him, he understood why she didn't though, and was very glad of it.

His need to talk to someone grew everyday, he needed to know how to fix this. It wasn't going to go away, ignoring it didn't make it better. Every time he looked at Blaise he felt wretched, and then he looked at Hermione and he felt guilty. It had to be fixed, he had to make it better.


-

There were no classes happening, she didn't have a study session with students, but there was a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on her door, so all he could do was wait. Students passed by the office, glancing at him out of the corner of their eyes, and then talking rapidly as they were past him. It wasn't anything new, while he didn't like it, he had become used to it.

After a few minutes the door opened, and the wrong Gryffindor exited and shut the door behind her.

"Draco," Hermione said quietly, as she walked to him.

He stood up from his slouch against the wall, trying to look away from her, but he couldn't.

"What's wrong? Why are you here?" She asked rapidly, "I've been trying to talk to you for days, you didn't answer my owls, you run from me in the halls. I had to finish the assignment all by myself, I really thought you and I were starting to have something, I thought I was helping you. Then suddenly without warning you revert back into the Draco of old, what happened?"

His hand fluttered by his side, the guilt had never felt so huge. It was easier to push it away, but when the hurt that he caused was displayed so openly in front of the him. It wasn't so easy to pretend it wasn't there.

"I don't know what I did, or even if it was me. After that day in the library, I thought you wanted to be with me. Whatever animosity that was there in the past, was staying there. In the past. I guess I was wrong." Hermione shook her head slightly, stepping away from him. "I meant what I said the other day Draco, I want to help you. When you are ready though, maybe it was too much too soon, I'll wait."

Draco reached out, his fingers brushed her arms slightly, he opened his mouth, when Professor McGonagall cleared her throat behind them. He stood a little straighter, as Hermione stiffened in front of him. Hermione started to walk away, pulling her bag over her shoulder, Draco grabbed her hand quickly. "The library, after dinner," he said quickly, whispering it to keep McGonagall from hearing.

She nodded, keeping her eyes focused elsewhere before loosening her hand from his grip and heading down the hall.

"What can I do for you Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco jumped slightly, and turned back to her. "I need to see him Professor, right now if that's possible."

"Is it urgent Mr. Malfoy? Now, may not be the best time."

"I need to see him, I have questions, he is the only one who can help me."

"Very well, let's see if he is available."


-

He'd only entered the principals office a handful of times during the last few years. He knew he had Snape to thank for that, keeping the discipline in house. It was exactly as he remembered though. McGonagall didn't use it, she retained her Head of House office, and used that for her Headmistress duties. It was like nothing had changed, it was still full to the brim with implements and instruments of mind blogging proportions. The walls were still lined with portraits of old Headmasters and Headmistresses, with one notable inclusion.

He seemed to be sleeping, his head was resting against one side of the frame, his glasses slipping off his nose as he breathed in and out. At the sound of Draco placing his bag heavily on the floor, his eyes popped open, and that overwhelming sense of guilt returned.

"Mr. Malfoy, this is a surprise."

"Good afternoon Professor," he pulled a chair over, and sat in front of the portrait.

Dumbledore straightened in his frame, his eyes seemingly assessing Draco as he did. "As much as I appreciate the visit, I know it's not of the social variety. What seems to be troubling you?"

"How do you know it's a problem? It could be good news."

"If it was good, you wouldn't feel the need to tell me. You would be out rejoicing, not coming to share it with an old man."

Draco sighed, and looked down at his hands. "I've stuffed up, yet again. It's a different kind of mess, but a great mess all the same."

"We all make mistakes, it's in our nature."

"I seem to make more than anyone though."

"Maybe so, under times of extreme stress, we do foolish things, make foolish decisions. We aren't always able to operate with the big picture in our minds, we act for the moment, and then have the consequences to deal with later."

"Consequences, them I don't like."

"A necessary evil."

He looked up at him, "I had two choices, or one really at the time. There were two options though, both had their difficulties, issues. I didn't really make a choice, I just said no to one, and let the other develop. It was easier, which is really hard to believe given who it is. I thought it was the right thing, I thought I was making the right decision. Only it's come back to bite me, because by making that choice, I've destroyed one of the most important things in my life."

"You can't be faulted for wanting to make your life easier, to simplify things."

"But I've ruined everything, I can't breath for the guilt. I look at both of them and it hurts, all I seem to be able to feel these days is guilt."

"Guilt is a good feeling my boy, you should worry if you don't feel guilt for hurting people."

"I just don't know what to do anymore, everything I do, I mess up. I need to fix this, I need to stop the rot, what can I do?"

"I'm afraid I can't give you the answer. This is something you have to figure out on your own."

"What can I do though? I don't know what to do."

"You will figure it out, the answers are all within you. Draco you need nothing from me, it's all inside you."


-

She stopped at the end of the aisle, with her arms crossed across her front. Draco had skipped dinner again, choosing to wait and figure out just what he was going to tell her.

"So what is it? Please give me something solid, not an excuse. I just want you to give me the honest truth."

"Something happened, about two weeks ago, and I was confused. I didn't know what to do. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced, I didn't know how to deal with it, and then you happened. Adding another layer of confusion. Now I had a decision to make, and I didn't. I ignored the other thing, I told myself it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to let it happen. So I pushed them away."

"And me?"

"You persisted, just like you said you could. That day in the hall, I wasn't letting that happen. I'd just told them that it wasn't happening, me and them; and I told myself that I wouldn't let us happen, and you ignored that. You made it happen."

"You could have stopped me."

"Maybe, but I don't think I wanted to. You have no idea how much you hooked me in, and I as much as I didn't want it to begin with, I didn't mind it terribly."

"That still doesn't explain it though, what changed? If you were okay with us, what made you disappear?"

"They found out about you and me, after I told them not long beforehand that there would be no us for them and me, they saw you and I. Right here."

"But they haven't said anything, no one has said anything about the two of us."

"They won't. They are hurt, I hurt them."

"That's why?"

Draco nodded, and she rushed at him, her arms around his shoulders. "You don't hate me?"

She shook her head, "no."

"I've ruined everything, I always seem to. I don't regret you, I just wish I could go back and do things differently."

"You can fix this Draco, this person, they are important to you?"

"Very. I would be a mess if they hadn't helped me."

"Then you will fix it then, you know the value of the relationship, so saving it is a necessity."

"They don't talk to me anymore, Hermione, they don't even look at me. If I walk into a room, they are gone in a second."

"You know why that is, we just have to make them listen to you."

"It'll be hard, they are very stubborn."

"Like both of us, perfect fit." He nodded glumly, Hermione held his head still and looked straight into his eyes, "this is doable Draco."

"I hope so."

Hermione looped a hand through his elbow, and began to walk towards the door, stepping past the shocked sixth years who kept staring at their joined arms. "It had to happen at some point," she whispered. When they were in the empty hallway outside the library, she stopped walking and looked at their hands joined together. "Who is it Draco?"

Taking a deep breath, he spoke quietly, "Blaise."


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