Nothing is what it seems

Over the next few days, Harry’s mind remained primarily focused upon Malfoy and what had happened a few days ago. He knew he should be worrying instead about the approaching school term but nothing he did could deter his thoughts. He was also worried. He had no idea what Malfoy had been doing to himself over the last few days and had no idea whether he was alright. The last few days had been spent doing nothing in particular - just lounging about trapped in his own thoughts. Malfoy had not been to any meals lately either. Harry was not surprised about this - he had long stopped going to meals even before their kiss.

Harry woke up exactly five days after his kiss with Malfoy and found he could not stand yet another endless day spent in his common room. Stuck for nothing else to do, he decided to go to the owlery to visit Hedwig. He had not heard very much from Ron and Hermione over the holidays and felt extremely isolated as a result of not having anyone to spend his time with.

On his walk to the owlery, he subconsciously found himself being drawn towards Slytherin common room. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of the portrait. He paused for a brief second, wondering whether he should knock or whether he should just give the password he had heard Malfoy use the other day and just enter. Deciding that Malfoy would probably be angry if Harry just entered uninvited, he decided to knock instead.

Harry knocked on the portrait entrance and waited patiently for a reply. After hearing no response, he called out his name. He listened carefully, dread beginning to fill in his chest. Screwing all of his courage together, he gave the entry password and proceeded to enter the common room.

The overwhelming stench of alcohol hit him hard as the portrait flew open. The lights were very dim and Harry could not see very much. He entered the room cautiously, looking out for any movement. His eyes then rested on Malfoy, who was sitting on the floor beside one of the couches, his eyes wide open and staring at the wall opposite him. Harry sat down next to him but said nothing. Silently, he put his arm round his shoulders and Malfoy responded by placing his head on Harry’s left shoulder.

“What’s happening to you, Malfoy?” He asked tenderly.

“There’s just no point anymore.”

“Sitting around in the dark getting drunk isn’t going to make anything better.”

“No, but it helps.” Malfoy slurred.

“But it doesn’t though, does it.”

“But I’m all alone.” And with this, Malfoy began to cry. Harry felt embarrassed as he had the last time but did not act upon it.

“No you’re not. You have… your friends.” Harry reasoned.

“Friends? It’s all a show, Potter. Nothing’s real.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on. All of their parents are death eaters. Do you honestly think any of them would even want to know me if their fathers weren’t afraid of mine?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not. I know that if it was free choice, they wouldn’t be friends with me.”

“How do you know that?”

“The only time I’ve ever tried to make friends with someone who wasn’t somewhat involved with he-who-must-not-be-named, I was rejected.”

“Who was that?” He couldn’t think of anyone in Slytherin that Malfoy was not friends with that he might have wanted to be.

Malfoy looked at him for the first time. “You.”

Harry was shocked. He had completely forgotten about that. After all, it was years ago and with all the animosity that had built between them over the past years, he had completely lost sight of why the bitterness was there.

Harry hesitated. “I…don’t know what to say.”

Malfoy shrugged. “Well, it really doesn’t matter anymore.”

“But…”

Malfoy interrupted. “Look, Potter. You made it clear that you didn’t want to know me and I accepted that. I wasn’t prepared to diminish my reputation by begging for your friendship. You couldn’t have made it any clearer that you hate me, so why are you here? If it’s to make me feel stupid by using this against me at a later date, then you needn’t bother.” Harry was struggling to understand because the other boy was slurring so badly.

“I don’t hate you.” Harry said quietly.

Malfoy stared at him, with his eyes and mouth wide open. His facial expression was exaggerated due to the amount of alcohol he had drunk. “What?”

“I thought I did. I thought you were cruel and hateful. But now…” Harry was surprised at how honest he was being, but felt in control because he was sober and Malfoy was not.

“This had better not be because you pity me.”

“No, it’s not.” Harry knew he was lying slightly, but it wasn’t a complete lie. Although he did feel sorry for Malfoy, there was something about this new Malfoy that he could not possibly hate. “Come on, lets get you to bed…sleep off some of this alcohol.”

Malfoy remained silent as Harry hoisted him to his feet and led him to the couch. After laying him down so that he was comfortable, he placed a blanket over him and watched as the other boy fell asleep. As he looked at the sleeping boy, he could not see the vulgar, arrogant and selfish boy that Harry knew. As he studied his face, he noticed his beautifully pale skin and relaxed features and felt guilty about the situation he was in.

A few hours later, Malfoy began to stir. He gradually sat up and looked at Harry questioningly. “How did you get in here?” He asked him. Harry realised he obviously did not remember what had previously happened.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, dismissing the other question.

“Dizzy. I need some water.”

Harry got Malfoy some water and sat beside him. He suddenly did not feel as bold now that Malfoy was sober.

“This has got to stop.” Harry said.

“Why? It doesn’t really have anything to do with you. I didn’t ask you to come here. I don’t want to be saved.” Malfoy sniped.

“I don’t understand you, Malfoy, I really don’t. Is all of this just because of something that happened when we were eleven?” Malfoy said nothing. “You’ve got to let it go.”

“So that’s what you want is it? For me to suddenly adore you like everybody else does? Forget it.” Malfoy said spitefully.

“I don’t want adoration.” Harry could feel his face getting closer to Malfoy’s.

“So what do you want then?” Malfoy asked, not sounding quite as bitter anymore.

Harry responded by pushing his lips against Malfoy’s. He was not thinking rationally, but was acting upon instinct. As his lips connected with Malfoy’s, his head became dizzy and his thoughts became blurred. Malfoy did not react for a few seconds, so Harry opened his lips slightly and deepened the kiss. After what felt like ages, Malfoy responded by parting his lips slightly and kissing Harry back. The kiss was slow and passionate and Harry fought to keep control. He let his lips slide over Malfoy’s, encouraged when he heard the other boy respond as he increased the pressure.

Both boys were so engrossed in the kiss that neither of them realised how intense it was until Harry was pushing Malfoy onto his back. Malfoy resisted at first, but eventually gave in, lying down and wrapping his arms round Harry’s torso. Harry nestled his body in between Malfoy’s legs which were now parted. He opened his eyes briefly to look upon the person he was kissing. On opening them, he recognised the familiar flawlessly pale skin and perfectly proportional features. The only word he good think of to describe the person he saw was beautiful. He had never seen Malfoy in this way before and it unnerved him slightly.

He closed his eyes once more and continued to kiss the other boy. He entangled his fingers in Malfoy’s hair, which was not gelled back and immaculate as it usually was. Harry liked Malfoy’s hair this way; it made him seem almost softer. Harry began to pull at Malfoy’s jumper, signalling that he wanted to take it off. Malfoy hesitated at first but eventually sat up so that Harry could remove it. Once Harry had removed the piece of clothing, the cuts on Malfoy’s arm were hideously noticeable once more. Malfoy saw Harry staring at them in shock and immediately tried to cover them.

“They’re repulsive.” Malfoy mumbled.

Harry took his arm and pushed his lips against the cuts near his wrist. He kissed them tenderly, planting small kisses all the way up his arm. Once he had reached his elbows, where the cuts stopped, he looked into Malfoys eyes. “No they’re not.”

Malfoy quickly pushed his face towards Harry’s once more and resumed the kiss. Harry pushed Malfoy back yet again so that he was knelt over him. They began to kiss each other hungrily as they became increasingly excited. Malfoy wrapped his legs round Harry’s middle and pulled his body towards his. He then began to gyrate his hips slightly to increase the amount of contact between them and ensnared his fingers into Harry’s tousled hair.

Harry touched Malfoy’s chest and stomach, feeling every muscle and the smoothness of his skin. He realised that he had actually become very skinny, probably from the amount of meals he had skipped. He traced his fingers lightly over his stomach, enjoying the moans being emitted from the other boy. When he reached the waistband of Malfoy’s trousers, Malfoy stopped the kiss. Harry opened his eyes and was instantly met by Malfoy’s grey ones. He looked into his eyes, eyes flicking side to side, trying to read the Slytherin’s silent gaze. Malfoy remained silent but he did not have to say anything for Harry to understand. The look in his eyes displayed fear and pleading. Harry began to pull away, not wanting the other boy to feel uncomfortable. Malfoy grabbed Harry’s left wrist to prevent him pulling away completely.

“Don’t leave.” Malfoy whispered.

“Is this what you want?” Harry asked him.

Malfoy paused before answering. Eventually he nodded. Harry was not convinced.

“You don’t have to do this just to get me to stay.” Harry said, suddenly realising what Malfoy wanted.

Malfoy’s rigid body relaxed considerably once Harry said that.

“I don’t want to be alone anymore. When I’m alone, I can’t stop thinking.” He confessed.

Harry nodded, immediately understanding. He had felt the same once Sirius had died. He had not wanted to be with people in fear that they might talk about it, but being alone was haunting. Thoughts of Sirius would penetrate his mind and there was no distraction.

Harry shifted his body so that he was next to Malfoy, rather than on top of him.

“Do you ever wish you were someone else?” Malfoy asked him. Harry was surprised by the randomness of the question.

“Sometimes.” He answered, not sure how to respond.

“I do.”

Harry didn’t know how to react to that confession. “Why?” He asked, at a loss for what to say.

“I watch people, you know. At meals, in classes, outside school. And one thing that strikes me when I watch them is the warmth.”

Harry was confused. “The warmth?”

“Yeah. And before I go to sleep, I just imagine I’m someone else. I imagine that people like me. I imagine that I’m worth something. I imagine…” Malfoy paused, “I imagine that I’m like you.”

Harry stared at him in utter amazement. “Like me? But you hate me! Why would you want to be like me?”

Malfoy snorted slightly. “It’s stupid, isn’t it? But I watch how others react to you. The way they all admire you and fall over themselves to talk to you. And your friends.”

“What about them?” Harry asked, genuinely confused.

“They don’t like you because they have to, or because they’re afraid of you. Or even because you’re the precious boy-that-lived. They’re friends with you because they’ve chosen to be. You can just be yourself because you know that people actually care about you.”

Harry was amazed at how insecure Malfoy was. He had always seen him as being confident and arrogant. He was beginning to see Malfoy in a whole new light. It was as if he was a different person. He could not get their earlier kiss out of his head and he found it amazing that they were sitting here as if it had not even happened. They remained lying in the silence until Harry broke it.

“So you hate me, but you also wish you were me?” Harry asked, knowing how stupid he sounded.

“I don’t wish I was you.” Malfoy quickly contradicted.

“Fine. You imagine you were like me, then. But you hate me.”

Malfoy remained silent.

“You do hate me, don’t you?” Harry questioned.

“No, Potter. I absolutely despise you.”

Harry looked at Malfoy and was reassured to see that he was grinning. He smiled at seeing Malfoy smile and looked away again. They lay like that for a little while, just enjoying the silence and the presence of another person.

*****

“Potter! Wake up!” Harry felt himself shift back into consciousness and opened his eyes to see Malfoy looking at him.

“What?”

“You were shouting out in your sleep.”

Harry sat up. He had not even meant to fall asleep. As he pulled himself up, his arms shook. He suddenly began to remember his dream. He felt clammy and sweaty. Malfoy looked concerned.

“You were shouting out ‘Sirius.’”

Harry nodded. Sirius still haunted his dreams, even now. Each time he dream about him, he always woke up shaken and sweaty. He suddenly felt embarrassed as he sensed Malfoy watching him. He tried to act alert and cheerful, to prove he was ok. The boys remained silent. Harry changed the subject to something else that was on his mind.

“What happens now then?” Harry asked. Malfoy looked uncomfortable but Harry needed to know.

“That was blunt.” Malfoy said, a blush forming across his cheeks.

“Well, there’s no point beating around the bush.”

“I don’t want anyone to find out about any of this.” Malfoy stated.

“Are you ashamed?” Harry asked.

Malfoy began to look irritated. “Fuck sake, Potter. It’s not a point of being ashamed. Have you not even been listening to what I have been saying for the last few hours? Do you know what my father would do to me if he found out I had been…you know…with the fucking boy-who-lived? Do you know what would happen to my family? To my reputation? We’re supposed to be on opposite sides of a war. It’s not just a point of not liking you. I’m not allowed to like you.”

Harry was annoyed by Malfoy’s outburst. “So that’s it? Game over? Malfoy doesn’t want to play anymore so it’s all finished?”

“Don’t you understand? We can’t do this. We just can’t.” Malfoy reiterated.

Harry tried a different approach. “So you don’t want it?”

Malfoy bit his lip. After a few moments, he spoke slowly. “I didn‘t say that.”

Harry pulled him towards him by pulling his arm. He placed a firm kiss on his lips and looked into his eyes. “Malfoy.” He listened to the word as it rolled off his tongue. “I don’t like that word.”

Malfoy looked at him with confusion in his eyes. He also looked a bit hurt. “What’s wrong with it?” He asked defiantly.

Harry was amused by how defensive he sounded. ‘Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s a beautiful name,” he teased, “But it’s just not you.”

“So who am I then?”

“You’re Draco.”

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Author’s Note:

I don’t really know about this scene. It’s a bit on the long winded side, but I’m trying to get all the ‘getting to know each other bit’ out of the way so that I can get onto the good stuff. Just bear with me =)
Any comments? Please review.

Really appreciate all reviews so far!