Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed a couple of one-liner quotes from GoF...


The Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 6: Snape’s foolish wand waving

When Harry entered Snape’s quarters on the morning of their first Occlumency lesson, he saw that Snape was removing a glowing strand of silver from his temple. Harry noticed that Dumbledore’s pensieve, which sat on the table, was teaming with silver.

Despite himself, Harry could not resist questioning Snape, “I thought you said we weren’t doing that.”

“We’re not, Potter. And watch your impudent mouth or I will take away your voice for the rest of the summer,” Snape snarled. “I shall not tolerate your insolence. Is that clear?”

“Yes sir.”

“Now, let’s see if you were paying attention yesterday. What are the most difficult thoughts and memories to disguise, Potter?”

Harry struggled to remember word for word, “Ones that are recent, vivid or emotional.”

“An oversimplification, but adequate. As such, you will keep your mind intact so that you may learn how to control your connection to the Dark Lord.”

“But—”

“Don’t interrupt me Potter. I shall be teaching you basic Legilimency.” Noting the look of shock on Harry’s face, Snape continued, “Don’t get ahead of yourself Potter. You are no Legilimens by any stretch of the imagination, but I shall endeavor to teach you the fundamental concepts of this magical art with the deluded hope that you may understand the mechanism and technique behind it. Theoretically, this should put you in a better position to ward off such attacks. Legilimency may also prove useful in the event you need to communicate your thoughts directly to someone without speaking.” Snape eyes narrowed, “What this means is that we will both be accessing each other’s minds, dreaded as the prospect may be to both of us. Given your limited abilities, you will surely require a great deal of help on my part. In order to be instructive, this process requires that the basic structure of our minds, specifically the organization of thoughts and memories be left undisturbed. I assure you that I shall be discreet with what I see, and I shall hold you to the same oath – although I very much doubt you’ll progress far enough for me to be concerned with your discretion.”

“But then what about those memories I saw you removing earlier?” Harry asked.

“Trust me Potter, those are memories you would not want to see. In fact, I daresay the Headmaster would have my head if you did,” Snape said, unconsciously rubbing his left arm.

Harry eyes widened in understanding.

“Are you ready?”

“I think so,” Harry said uncertainly.

Snape did not balk at Harry’s hesitation, “I suppose we’ll just see about that now, won’t we? Legilimens.”

Harry was completely unprepared for the force of Snape’s entry. It had been a long while since someone had forced his way into his mind and Harry had forgotten how uncomfortable the feeling was. Images and fragments of his memories were flashing before him. It appeared that Snape was not looking at anything in particular – instead, he seemed to be waiting for Harry to mount a defense. Harry tried frantically to clear his mind of emotion and thought, but he was beginning to feel dizzy. He heard Snape’s voice, strongly echoing in his head, “I’m already in Potter, that’s not going to help you. You need to force me out.” Harry’s head was beginning to swim and he found himself unable to do anything – Snape’s hold on his mind was simply too strong. The sick feeling seemed to go on forever and then suddenly, Snape released him.

Harry found himself kneeling on the floor, struggling for breath. Snape stared hard at him and spoke in a scathing voice, “It seems that not only have you not improved, you have managed to get worse, if that is possible. Did you even bother reading the book I gave you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t understand most of it.”

“You could have said so and saved me the trouble. I suggest you reread it and write a detailed summary of each chapter. I’ll expect the first two by tonight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do something productive with my day,” Snape spat in annoyance.
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Just under two weeks had passed since Harry had been at Hogwarts. Having just finished lunch, he was working on a letter to Ginny.

Aug 11
Dear Ginny,
Happy Birthday! How is the rest of your summer getting on? I can’t tell you how much I’d like to be at the Burrow with you, Ron and the rest of the family. My lessons are even more horrible than I thought they would be. We work all the time – so much for summer vacation! But I hope it will pay off in the end. I miss you and I hope you have a great Birthday.

As Harry was signing his letter, he felt Snape’s imposing presence behind him.

“I see you’re writing your girlfriend. How touching.”

Harry spun around, annoyed that Snape was reading over his shoulder, “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Ah, another quickie then, Potter?” Snape asked mockingly.

“Don’t talk about her like that! We’re friends, that’s all.”

“I don’t give two wits about your love life, Potter. Let’s get started.”
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Harry was acquiring an increasing distaste for Occlumency day by day. Although they were mostly focusing on theory these days, whenever Snape decided to test Harry’s practical progress, the end result was always the same: Harry lying prostrate on the ground, drooling, gasping for breath and Snape pacing menacing circles around his aching body telling him he was an undisciplined idiot.

On the other hand, Harry was having considerable more success and certainly more enjoyment during their Defense training. He wasn’t learning any dark spells, of course. That would be too cool, he thought. When Snape said they’d begin his training with simple defensive spells he was disappointed. Given his work in the DA, he thought that was going to be dull. He should have known better. Snape was teaching him much more than the techniques of spell casting. He was teaching Harry how to think on his feet, how to do magic without thinking – to do magic when there was no time to think, just feel. Harry realized how crucial this skill would be if he were dueling with someone who didn’t require verbal spells and therefore had the significant advantage of surprise – someone like Snape for example. As Snape explained the concepts of using this ‘no thought’ approach to concentrating his magical power, Harry wondered briefly if this approach was the prelude to wandless magic.
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Today they were in the midst of another one of their duels. Harry had blocked one of Snape’s hexes with a shield charm that Snape promptly dissolved without effort. In response, Harry cast a full force immobilization charm at Snape, who coolly reflected the spell back at Harry, incapacitating him. Wow! I didn’t even know you could do that, Harry thought. He had never seen a reflection spell before.

Snape was smirking at him. As he stalked towards Harry, wand raised, his long robes billowing, Harry met his dark, piercing stare – and Harry could feel the intensity of Snape’s magic. The sheer force and potency of Snape’s energy sent electric sparks prickling throughout Harry’s body. Harry wondered in astonishment how this man could have ever referred to what he had just done as ‘foolish wand waving.’ The man was incredible. He was power personified. And it was sexy beyond imagination.
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It was that first glimpse of Snape’s true command over him that had started the dreams in full force. Snape stalking towards him, Snape pressing his body against his, Snape’s hands touching him. If only he could live in his dreams. Remembering that nothing he thought was no longer private, Harry decided it was time that he devote his energy to studying Occlumency and keeping Snape from discovering his fantasies – that would be too mortifying for words.
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Snape noticed that Harry had been practicing. Although he had not improved his ability to expel Snape from his mind, he was able to withstand the assaults for longer periods of time. At least it was some sort of progress – however limited.

“And not a moment too soon,” Snape said sardonically. “I was about to tell the Headmaster that you were a lost cause and we should just surrender to the Dark Lord.”

Harry cast Snape a hateful look.

“Once again, Potter you let your emotions control you instead of the other way around. You might try practicing not displaying your emotions so obviously. It makes you particularly vulnerable to sudden unexpected assaults.”

“I don’t understand. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Surely you are aware that not all Legilimency requires that the ‘Legilimens’ spell is cast on you. While the spell is necessary to gain access to specific memories or details of thoughts, it harbors the disadvantage of the subject feeling the caster of the spell pulling at their mind. An excellent Legilimens such as the Dark Lord does not require ‘Legilimens’ to scan your mind during casual conversation. He may access basic thoughts or emotions, such as signs of deception, hate, joy, anything.”

Harry shifted uncomfortably to this new information. He asked, “Can you do that?”

“I can, although it takes a great deal of effort for me to do so undetected. It is therefore not something I do routinely, however, I may just make an exception in your case, Potter, so I recommend you practice,” Snape said, with a smirk on his face.

Harry was not pleased by this news.

Snape continued, “If you can learn to keep your mind clear for extended periods of time, it will prove much easier for you to do so when it is required of you. Did you not wonder how it is that I am always a few steps ahead of you in our duels? Your mind is wide open to me. You must learn how to use Occlumency to keep your mind closed during our duels as well.” The look on Harry’s face betrayed how difficult he thought that would be. Snape sighed in annoyance, “It is not easy Potter – stress makes it particularly difficult. But you have no hope in succeeding if you do not learn this skill.”

“I had no idea that you could scan someone undetected.”

“Yes,” Snape said. “Albus is a master at it by the way – and it drives me mad! Although he has the gall to claim he doesn’t use that particular skill,” Snape snorted, but his eyes betrayed his amusement.

Harry smiled. It was a rare moment indeed when Snape spoke to Harry as he would a colleague.

“Shall we begin?” Snape barely gave Harry a few seconds before speaking again, “Legilimens.”

Harry was once again dizzied by the flood of memories flashing before him. After a minute or so of this, Harry finally managed to ask Snape, “What am I supposed to do?”

Snape’s voice replied clearly in his mind, “Idiot boy. You need to force me out by pushing back against the connection I have forged between our minds. Here, I shall endeavor to make it easy for you, since you seem completely incapable yourself.”

Suddenly Snape had focused on a specific memory – a very happy one. It was Harry’s third year, and he was flying Buckbeak over the great lake at Hogwarts, his arms outstretched.

Snape’s voice interrupted the exhilaration he felt, “Focus and push with your mind. Think of it as a tug of war. Visualize a rope between us – it is the connection you must either break or push against.”

“I can’t see it,” Harry thought.

Snape sighed, “Here let me show you, you dunderhead.” Suddenly a strand of red light became visible to Harry. He focused his mind and pushed back.

A new memory had appeared. A woman dressed in a dark green robe cradling a dark haired child no older than 6 in her arms. “I love you Severus,” she said. Without warning, the image was gone.

Harry was panting. “That was your mother?” he asked.

“How incisive of you, Potter.”

“She was beautiful,” Harry said, with a strange knowledge that she was no longer alive.

“I know,” Snape replied, a softness in his voice that Harry had never heard before.

After a moment, the familiar Snape voice returned, “Let’s try it again, something a bit harder this time. I’ll show you the connection again, use it.”

Harry in Dumbledore’s office, flinging one of the Headmaster’s delicate silver instruments across the room, watching as it shattered into tiny pieces. He was yelling, ‘I don’t care – I’ve had enough.’ He threw another artifact into the fireplace. Dumbledore was speaking, ‘By all means continue destroying my possessions – I daresay I have too many.’ Harry’s rage was swelling. ‘I don’t want to hear anything you’ve got to say!’

Harry pushed back hard on the strand of red light, and found himself in Snape’s mind once again.

A small boy of about 10 was cowering in a corner, sobbing as a dark hook-nosed man shrieked obscenities at Snape’s mother. The boy lowered his head and closed his eyes as the man turned his attentions to him, moving towards him menacingly. The man reached down, grabbing the boy’s robes, pulling him forcefully off the floor and...

Harry felt Snape wrench the connection between them and without warning Snape was in Harry’s mind again.

Harry shouting ‘Expelliarmus’ at Snape. Harry watching as Snape’s body flew through the air and to the ground unconscious. Sirius and Lupin, their wands trained on Pettigrew, as Harry shouted for them not to kill him – to spare him and take him to the castle instead.

Sensing Harry’s exhaustion, Snape broke the connection. Harry was lying on the floor again, his breathing ragged. Snape paced circles around him.

“Must you always do that?” Harry asked, eyeing Snape.

“Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?” Snape sneered.

“Yes,” Harry admitted.

“Then yes.” A moment passed before Snape spoke, “That was a very interesting memory, Potter. Would you mind telling me what that was all about?”

“You were there. You know what happened.”

“Not the second memory. The one in Dumbledore’s office. I hadn’t realized you had the guts to stand up to the Headmaster that way,” he said. Harry wondered if he was misreading Snape, but he could have sworn he heard admiration in his voice.

“That was right after Sirius was killed.” Harry waited for the sarcastic comment.

“I see,” Snape said simply. Changing the subject, he said, “Classes are beginning the day after tomorrow. I will expect you in my quarters after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. You are, of course, welcome to my library at any time. The wards will allow you entrance. I will not be any more lenient on you because you have classes – I know for a fact that were it not for your infernal obsession with Quidditch, you would have more than enough time to devote to these lessons and your normal coursework. You are dismissed.”
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The first week of classes had gone by without event. Both Ron and Hermione were relieved to find Harry alive and seemingly no worse for wear. He had told them how dreadful the Occlumency lessons continued to be, but spent most of his time telling them about his amazing and ambitious defensive training. He also relayed to his two best friends – although Harry was sure one could not truly understand without witnessing it for themselves – the magnitude of Snape’s power. Hermione seemed impressed and utterly unsurprised, while Ron seemed terrified, and half-expected Snape to come bursting through the door at any moment to kill them all. When pressed for more information, Harry held his tongue, afraid his descriptions might betray his renewed feelings for the man.
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Today was another dueling day. Harry had mixed feelings about these lessons. He enjoyed the magical rush he felt using some of the new spells he’d learned, and dueling was certainly better than Occlumency any day of the week. Also, dueling lessons also gave Harry the opportunity to see Snape in action. Part of Harry relished the chance – the man was incredible – powerful, almost godlike. But it also made Harry anxious. There were moments during their duels where Snape’s eyes very overcome with a darkness that made Harry uncomfortable. In those moments, it seemed to Harry that Snape was losing himself in the struggle for control, the force of dark magic overtaking him.

Now in the middle of this exhausting duel, Harry – his robes scorched from the bolts of fire Snape had hurdled at him – was trying to find some way to immobilize Snape, who appeared to be barely breaking a sweat.

Harry focused and screamed a stinging hex at Snape, while simultaneously casting a silent immobilization spell. He had been improving on his silent incantations and he hoped that this would catch Snape off guard.

No such luck. Snape handled the double curses without difficulty, reflecting both spells, leaving Harry’s body stinging in pain from head to toe and his lower body paralyzed. Harry lay on the ground, his legs having given way under his weight. He stared helplessly at his wand, which now lay on the other side of the room.

Snape was upon him immediately. Harry stared up at the man who was threateningly pointing his wand directly at his head.

“Get your wand,” he ordered.

“How?”

“Just do it you imbecile!” Snape yelled.

Harry tried accio several times to no avail. This was ridiculous – there was no way he could summon something without his wand.

“I don’t know how,” Harry admitted.

“Are you even trying Potter? Or are you only capable of trying my patience?” Snape spat.

Another futile attempt, and Harry retaliated in anger, “I can’t do it, damn it!”

A subtle flick of Snape’s wand and Harry felt his chest compressing – squeezing the air out of his lungs. Struggling for breath, he wrapped his hands around his throat, begging for air. Snape stared at him without mercy.

“Please...” Harry gasped quietly.

Snape glared at him murderously and snarled, “Get your bloody wand or I’ll rip you in half you pathetic little shit!!”

Harry felt the crackle of Snape’s magic against his skin. He did not doubt the man’s words.

Harry only realized that he had spoken the summoning charm when he looked down at his hand, which held his wand tightly. He reversed the spells affecting him and as he gasped for air, his eyes remained locked on his wand. He was dumbstruck.

His wand had come to him – his first wandless magic!

He could feel the goose bumps on the back of his neck and his own magic surging inside him. The feeling was incredible, indescribable and utterly new.

“Wow,” he whispered under his breath, in awe.

Snape bent down, squatting next to Harry, inches away from his face. “Liked that did you?” he whispered almost seductively, a knowing smile on his face, as if the two now shared a secret.

Harry stared into Snape’s eyes and managed a nod.

Snape continued in the same low tone, “Almost better than sex isn’t it?”

I wouldn’t know, Harry thought, but returned his concentration back to Snape who was so close.

As Snape spoke, the low timbre of his voice hummed over Harry, like raw silk caressing him, “That’s only the beginning, I assure you. It gets soooo much better.”

Merlin, I want to drown in that voice!

As Snape stood, turned and moved off, the very edge of his robes brushed up against Harry. The resulting contact sent hot shivers running up and down Harry’s body.

Harry didn’t sleep a wink that night – reliving that painfully ecstatic moment over and over again in his mind.


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A/N: Please review. Next chapter = “Too much information”