Knives Out

Harry was sated and still feeling happily sore. Draco lay across Harry\'s chest dozing on and off. Draco kissed Harry\'s sternum and trotted off to the bathroom. Leaving the door open, Harry watched him piss, take his potions, brush his teeth and wash his face. He turned and looked expectantly at Harry, who realized Draco was expecting him to clean up. Rolling gingerly out of bed, Harry followed into the loo.

Draco handed Harry a spare toothbrush after pulling it from its package. Harry resisted the urge to ask if Draco had a stockpile of them for his \"visitors.\" No, of course he didn\'t. He was spying; he wouldn\'t show people where he lived. Still, he thought of the man in the club bathroom, how Draco looked so smugly satisfied as a stranger pounded him.

As Harry brushed his teeth, he watched Draco through the mirror changing the sheets. Though he swung his wand sharply, Draco\'s shoulders sagged. Harry rinsed his mouth and splashed his face quickly in the hopes of helping, however by the time he\'d finished, it was done and Draco was leaning against the doorframe watching him.

Toweling off, Harry smiled at Draco. It occurred to him that he really didn\'t know much about Draco in his recent years-- even less so about his personal life. \"Draco... How did you... when did you...\" Harry looked at Draco helplessly.

He gave Harry a puzzled look, \"...last have the carpets cleaned? Eat for breakfast?\"

\"Know that you were gay?\" Harry finished, batting at Draco\'s head with the towel. He tossed the towel back onto the sink and then followed Draco into the bedroom.

\"What, six years of unresolved sexual tension between us in school and I\'d have thought even you would\'ve sussed it out.\" Draco flopped into the bed, lying on his back.

Harry crawled in next to him, \"Unresolved what?

\"Never mind.\" Draco shook his head and rolled over onto his side to grin at Harry. \"I suppose some part of me always knew. Don\'t look down, that\'s not what I mean.\" He caught Harry\'s chin with his curled index finger to keep Harry from looking at the \'part\' that he probably thought Draco meant.

Harry blushed. \"What do you mean, then?\"

\"I guess I just was never that attracted to girls. It\'s not that I find them gross or disgusting. I can see what\'s attractive about them and all. I just... it\'s just different, I guess.\" Draco dropped his hand from Harry\'s chin and let it lie on the sky blue sheets of impossible thread count.

\"What about Pansy?\" Harry shook his shaggy black hair back, but kept his eyes on Draco. Without his glasses, Draco\'s face was nearly all that was in focus.

\"Parkinson? That was unfortunate for both of us, I guess. She was a bit self-involved, though. I suppose that I was flashier about it, but she was quite possibly the most self-involved person I\'ve ever met.\" Exhaling, Draco flopped against the pillow, resigning himself to an unpleasant reverie.

Harry mimicked the action, settling in against his pillow, but clearly interested to hear more of this. \"How do you mean?\"

\"Well, don\'t get it into your head that she was so awful that it made me gay, because that\'s just ignorant. She was just a twat.\" Draco\'s gestures were terse-- the memories touching some part of him that was still quite hurt and bothered.

\"So she didn\'t make you gay...\"

\"No. But everything always became about her, somehow. It didn\'t really matter how I was feeling or what was going on in my life. She\'d go on and tell me to talk about myself or my life, but whenever I did... it\'s like when my father was sent to Azkaban... she started worrying that her father would end up there and....\" Draco stopped and shot a look to Harry.

Harry hoped that the passage of time had put things into perspective for Draco regarding his father\'s imprisonment. Draco had changed so much from that boy flaunting his father\'s name even from fifth to sixth year that it was possible that he realized it wasn\'t Harry\'s doing. The man was breaking the law. The long pause was distressing, but Draco didn\'t appear angry. Harry decided to try to prod the conversation along. \"You still haven\'t answered when you knew you were gay.\"

\"I told you that I always knew.\" Draco kicked his knee against Harry\'s bare thigh.

\"But who were you with? Who was your first?\" He trapped Draco\'s knee between his legs and smirked at the aborted attempt to wrest his leg back, enjoying their entanglement.

Draco wrinkled his nose and gave Harry a look. \"My first time was with Snape.\"

Harry thought that was nearly as foul as a Hagrid, Flitwick and Filch threesome.

\"Don\'t give me that look. I was 16. We were on the run. I pretty much already owed him my life and really, without my father there to shield me... I needed him; much more than he needed me.\" Draco\'s gaze dropped from Harry\'s.

\"Oh, so it was an arrangement?\" Harry pulled Draco tighter.

\"Not... exactly. There were feelings. Just... it was really complicated. We both got what we needed from it.\" Hiding his face in Harry\'s neck, Draco closed his eyes.

\"Romantic.\" Harry pressed kisses over the bits of skin he could reach without moving Draco.

\"Anyway, I have no idea why Snape had killed Dumbledore. He was more than happy to allow me to delude myself that he did it for me.\"

\"Really?\" Harry froze. It didn\'t sit right with him even still that Snape had done that. With an agreement than could later not be proven or refuted? He didn\'t buy it. \"What did he say to you?\"

\"Oh, Snape said that the old man was a fool who believed too much in the good of people. That Snape was evil, bad as they came, blah, blah, blah. I bought it, too-- every word of it.\"

Harry slid his fingers through Draco\'s flaxen hair, watching the pale strands fall through. \"You think he was lying? That there was an arrangement?\"

Draco\'s expression turned pensive, his lips pressed together and he shrank from Harry\'s contact. \"That\'s what the Ministry says, right?\"

What the Ministry said wasn\'t exactly an endorsement in Harry\'s estimation, but Draco looked uncomfortable, so he changed the subject. \"Ron was how I knew.\"

\"How you knew what?\"

\"That I was gay. He was my first real crush. As you pointed out earlier, he was the most important person to me. I didn\'t really think about it that much at the time. I just figured I was closer to him than Hermione. We both loved Quidditch -- we were... best friends. But as you said, 16 and on the run...\" Harry shook his head at Draco\'s lascivious look. \"No.\"

\"Granger wouldn\'t let you?\" Draco grinned.

\"I didn\'t ask. I had Horcruxes to deal with. I didn\'t need to be running about shagging. Some of us had some restraint.\" Harry tilted his chin up to appear dignified.

\"Hah! She shot you down!\"

\"Shut up! I really didn\'t ask!\" Harry grabbed his pillow and smacked Draco\'s head. \"You\'re horrible!\"

His hair staticky from the friction of the pillow, Draco sat up on his elbow in grinning obliviousness to the pale strands standing up from his head. Harry barely concealed his giggle. Leaning in, Draco kissed Harry gently, teasing their bottom lips together. His hand caressed his cheek softly until he broke their connection. \"Incorrigible is the word you were looking for.\"

Patting down Draco\'s wild mane, he gazed at him. \"I thought after Hermione died and Ron and I started... I really thought it would work. We were such good friends... and then...\"

\"I know this is going to sound incorrigible, because I\'m not happy that he\'s dead or how that came about,\" Draco gazed at Harry, \"But I\'m glad it didn\'t work out, or you...\"

\"Wouldn\'t be here,\" Harry finished, rolling onto his back. He pulled Draco with him, settling his blond head against his chest.

\"I\'m disturbed we\'re finishing each other\'s sentences.\" Draco wrapped one arm around Harry\'s bare torso as he settled against him.

Closing his eyes, Harry smiled. \"I\'m not disturbed. Not disturbed in the least.\"

--

Harry awoke from yet another nightmare. Knowing he wasn\'t likely to get back to sleep again, he carefully disentangled himself from Draco and headed towards the door. He gave a quick glance over his shoulder at Draco. He still looked so frail and helpless. He had no idea where his strength came from sometimes. Then there were times like this, when Draco was quiet and looked so much like a child Harry wanted to wrap him up and hold him. He started to crawl back into bed, but he remembered that he really needed to send a quick message to Tonks to ask where she was in getting files together from the Ministry. It was a not-so-subtle way to show how anxious he was to see what she\'d collected.

He sat down at Draco\'s desk and tapped the brushed steel lamp to turn it on. He was surprised that Draco had a computer. Of course, computers often came with the Internet and the Internet had porn... but so did the Wizard\'s Wireless. Out of curiosity, he pushed the power button to see what Draco had on his computer. It didn\'t start. Harry tried it again, and then punched the on button of the monitor. Both dead. He checked the back of the computer and smirked. No cords. \"Expensive paper weight,\" he murmured.

Scanning the top of the desk, his eyes fixed on a small frame with a moving figure in it. He didn\'t have his glasses on, so he had to pick it up to see it clearly. Ursius. Harry couldn\'t help but smile at the toddler\'s antics. The picture wasn\'t imbued with sound, but he could see the boy\'s lips moving. \"Watch me, daddy!\" Ursius did a cartwheel in the grass near what appeared to be one of the rose gardens at the Malfoy Manor. Then he started running towards the frame with his arms out, mouthing, \"I love you!\" It was the only picture of a person in Draco\'s entire flat. Harry set it back down and watched it run a few more times.

Pulling open the middle drawer, he found some quills and ink. The next drawer he opened had little other than an odd assortment of wands, empty potions bottles, paper clips and other random odds and ends. He tried the file drawer next, sometimes people kept parchment in the front file.

He read the file names, \"Burial\" and \"My Estate.\" It was Draco Malfoy\'s end of life, all meticulously filed and labeled and color-coded. Obsessive-compulsive arrangements of where he was to be buried after he\'d died. Along with it were his test results from St. Mungo\'s in the back. Harry reached for them only to halt at Draco\'s soft drawl. \"Potter, you really should be asking yourself whether that\'s your business or not, shouldn\'t you?\"

Harry jumped and turned around to see Draco shadowed in the doorway, smoothing his hair down. He knew he looked as guilty as he felt. \"I... \" but what kind of excuse could he give? \"I\'m sorry. It\'s just... you planned your burial?\"

Draco nodded. \"Why not? I know I\'m going to die soon. Whether it\'s this disease or the spying. Why make it hard on my wife and child?\" he asked, his teeth glowed in the blue-light of early morning. He crossed to the desk and pushed the drawer shut.

\"Soon?\" asked Harry, leaving his hand on his knee as he looked up at Draco, only now seeing where glamours were wearing off and sores were starting to show. \"Oh, Draco.\"

\"Soon is a relative term. Sometimes hours feel like weeks and weeks feel like minutes. I don\'t really know. But then again, you don\'t either. At least I\'ve had time to set priorities and let people close to me know that they\'re important. I just wish...\" he sighed and sat on the edge of the desk to look down at Harry.

\"That you weren\'t dying?\" Harry reached up to set his hand on Draco\'s naked thigh, amused that the man had no shame about his nudity. Then again, it was his flat.

\"Obtuse point. Of course I wish I hadn\'t contracted this. I would be dying either way, though. We all are, aren\'t we? No. I just wish it weren\'t so hard on the people close to me. They don\'t know what to say to me. I don\'t know what to say to them. I feel like I\'ve failed them.\" He set his hand on Harry\'s and squeezed it. \"I\'m letting people down because I can\'t get better.\"

\"No one expects you to heal yourself any more than you expect us to heal you.\" Harry reached up and slid his fingers over the sharp protrusion of Draco\'s cheekbone. He was so gaunt now compared to during school-- more noticeably now that his countenance was so morose.

\"That\'s not the point.\" Draco slapped Harry\'s hand away. \"I want to be there for when Ursius goes to Hogwarts. I want to be there when he grows up. I probably won\'t. I wanted to someday buy my own house, make it a real home. Maybe... have a real live in lover and a long-term commitment. I can\'t do that now.\"

\"With me?\" Harry tried not to look hopeful and he turned away when Draco\'s expression turned cruel. Stupid question.

\"You came to mind.\" Draco\'s hand floated gently against Harry\'s cheek. It was cold.

Harry pressed it to his neck trying to warm it. \"Really?\"

\"Yes. Then I remembered what awful blowjobs you give.\" He smirked at Harry\'s annoyed look.

\"I\'m not as experienced as you, I\'m sure I haven\'t sucked nearly so many cocks.\" Harry smirked at Draco\'s mock scorn and stood up to wrap his arms around Draco, leaning in between his legs.

Draco sighed. \"I\'m not used to anyone caring enough to try. The spirit is willing, Harry. The flesh-- well, the rest of that trite mess. I might\'ve settled down with you after a few years of running you through hoops.\" He nudged his face against Harry\'s and then kissed his bottom lip.

\"I know. I know... you\'d probably be a total arse to me until I gave up and then you\'d come back and offer to give me everything I wanted. Then I\'d play along until I got bored from winning the challenge and dump you.\" Harry grinned and kissed him back, closing his eyes and thinking about how unfair this was. Then again, would he even be here if Draco weren\'t diseased? Probably not. Draco wouldn\'t have been at that club; he wouldn\'t be involved with this mystery. He wouldn\'t have fucked him, nor followed him. That was life-- a chain of events all as connected as they are isolated. Removing one component could topple everything that\'s been built.

\"Oh right, as if you could\'ve ever have gotten enough with me. Particularly if you ever got me to admit anything. You\'re too big of a sap for all of that. No, you\'d start talking adoption and I\'d have to dump you on principle.\" Draco slid his hands up and down Harry\'s arms and then rested his head on his chin. \"Anyway, didn\'t you make arrangements for your passing before you went into battle with Voldemort?\"

The novelty of having people saying Voldemort\'s name aloud without fear never got old to Harry. \"No. I knew I was going to win.\"

\"Well, I know I\'m not going to win. So there you go; my dirty little paperwork admission of defeat. No one gets out alive.\" Perking a brow, Draco slid his arms back around him to stroke his lower back. \"You should at least make a will.\"

\"I guess so.\" This conversation was morbid and getting entirely too real. What would he have done had he had died? Well, other than died, he supposed not much. But it would\'ve been nice if questions about Hermione\'s burial had been answered for him since her parents had passed and Ron wasn\'t in much of a state to answer anything. \"So you did it for Millicent?\"

\"That?\" he asked, kicking his heel on the file door. \"Well, partially. Also, you know me. I like things a certain way.\"

\"Even in death, you\'re inescapably snotty,\" Harry teased.

Smirking, Draco replied, \"Well, we are who we are, even unto the very end.\"

Harry swallowed and looked back at the parchment.

Draco kissed the top of his head. \"I\'m going back to bed.\"

The room was lightening in blue tones as the morning savagely carried on, stealing away the gloom. \"It\'s dawn.\"

\"Well spotted. Good night,\" Draco teased his fingers through Harry\'s hair and leaned in again to steal a quick kiss.

\"Good morning,\" Harry corrected.

Draco gestured dismissively. \"Whatever. I need more sleep. We should go to the club again tomorrow night.\"

Harry tried not to think about the club or what Draco did the last time they were there. It would just make his temper flare. \"Maybe we should think about investigating the church instead. It seems like you\'ve been watching the clubs all of this time. Why did you go that route?\"

Draco leaned against the doorframe and closed his eyes. Harry was amused to observe he was wearing socks and nothing more. \"I was hoping to catch someone rounding up new parishioners. I wanted to stop it before it started. I have a few suspicious people I\'m watching.\" He stopped abruptly, appearing as if he were going to continue that thought, but didn\'t.

Harry thought about the reedy man Draco was with in the bathroom moments after he\'d seen Nott. Perhaps Nott was one of the people Draco was watching and he\'d shagged that man to keep him from going with him. Harry thought about mentioning it, but decided against it. He didn\'t want to have to explain to Malfoy how he knew for certain that Nott was dead and that person was an imposter. \"What do you do when you see them?\"

\"I watched who they talked to at first and saw who was at the church the next Sunday and Wednesday. I\'m collecting evidence now. If I could, I\'d want prevent the men from going with them. That\'s harder to do when you don\'t know who they are.\" He opened his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, shivering against a chill that Harry didn\'t feel.

\"Maybe they use disguises. Polyjuice?\" Harry crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Draco\'s tense body.

\"That\'s possible,\" Draco said in a stilted voice.

\"Maybe it would be smarter to infiltrate the church. You never know what you might overhear.\" Harry kissed softly over Draco\'s blanched face.

\"I\'d thought of that, but before I didn\'t have anyone to worry about where I was if I were kidnapped. I only contact Snape when I need more potions\" Draco seemed to relax then and nipped Harry\'s bottom lip. He pulled Harry to the bedroom.

Harry felt a guilty thrill that it was he, and not Snape, that Draco thought would fret about him if he were missing. It had been a long time since anyone really needed him. \"If something happened, I\'d save you.\"

\"I know you would.\" Draco smiled as he slid under the covers and turned to face Harry who followed him into the bed and then rolled onto his back. Resting his head on Harry\'s chest again, Draco whispered, \"I\'ll see if Malkin can whip up a cossack.\"