Sing for Me, Cry for Me

6. Life Goes On.

A/N: I am awfully sorry for not posting sooner but life does get so much in the way.


When he stormed out of the dorm Harry didn’t know where he possibly could take himself so that no one would find him. He needed to find a place where no one would be even looking for him. Thinking of all the places that there were in Hogwarts he decided that he really found a perfect place to hide. Library.

Who would go looking for him there?

He cautiously peered in and looking around to make sure that no Gryffindors were around entered. The library was almost empty but for some first year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

Harry sat down in the far corner of the room to be as far away as possible from Madame Pince who was already suspiciously eyeing him as if he was going to steal her precious books. Now that he was seated he didn’t know if it was such a good idea after all. He was never an often visitor here and couldn’t understand Hermione’s passion for spending whole of her time amidst dusty heavy books.

But maybe the books, old, dull, heavy, boring books would help him to forget. Determined Harry stood up and went to the section related to history. Remembering how he usually dozed off during his History of Magic classes forgetting who and where he was the book on the same subject would be more than enough to make him forget. He chose an enormously dusty book that judging by its state wasn’t opened too often though judging by the year it was published in was very old, ancient even. The title of the book read “The Ultimate History of the Wizarding World. Legends and Facts”.

“Well”, thought Harry, “that’s just what I need. I bet there’s loads of unbelievably boring stuff. It can’t be that big for nothing.”

Harry sat down again at his private corner now meeting an approving gaze from the librarian, opened the book and started reading. But instead of boring Harry out of his guts the book plunged him into a fascinating ancient world of magic he never heard of before.

He wondered why they had to endure such unendurable lessons on history of magic when there was such a perfect book. The retelling was light, and at the same time serious. The author was writing meticulously about every small detail that took place in the wizarding world throughout the centuries but it wasn’t boring at all on the contrary it captivated your attention and made you read more and more.

A thought occurred to Harry that maybe all subjects weren’t as useless and tiring as he thought. That maybe with the right book even Potions would sound nice and understandable. Making up his mind he stood up and searched the shelves for books on every subject he was taking this year.

Putting down the book on history and thinking that this book would do good for some bedtime reading Harry started perusing a book on Charms. Though he was always good at the subject he suddenly felt that there was so much more to it that he simply couldn’t know for the lack of diligence. For example some interesting information and useful spells that never made their way to the Hogwarts’ syllabus.

And indeed there were different little spells that might seem insignificant during a class but could come in handy in everyday life. He momentarily regretted that wizards didn’t keep up with modern muggle technology because photocopying machine would be of great use right now. Then with a rueful smile he recalled that he wasn’t a wizard for nothing and that there was quite a number of things you could do with a wave of a wand. All you had to do was find the right spell and book on Charms was just what he needed.

Hermione always knows more than we do. And no wonder. There are so many interesting things. I am definitely going to take a leaf out of her book…Speaking about Hermione I think I should apologize to her.

Leaning back against his chair Harry started forming a plan in his head. Right, I will apologize to her as to not rise suspicions. My earlier behavior I can blame on Snape and his detention. Let’s see…I will tell her that before leaving Snape got me into the right state by his usual name-calling. Yes, anything at all will work, not to mention that it’s actually true. He did indeed say something like that before he left and….

Stop it! You are strong enough to forget it! And you will forget! Right, where was I? Yes, Snape. I will think of the list of all the nasty things he told me on my way to the Gryffindor Tower. It shouldn’t be a problem. And than I will tell her how it made me mad and that my mood didn’t improve in the morning and then she was all happy and loud and I couldn’t stand it (not that it’s not true either) and now I am terribly sorry that I vent it all out on her. And I want to make up with her because she’s my best friend and we’ve been through so much and our friendship can’t end because of some bad mood on my part. Yes, that’s good. She’ll forgive me in a wink.

No one will ever find out the truth about what happened last night. Not if I have anything to say about it.

And then I will tell her that it made me think and I decided to devote more time to my studying, after all we are going to take our N.E.W.T.s this year blah, blah, blah. She will be impressed and she won’t know what hit her. She will help me to forget.

Yes and I have to keep away from trouble that is Malfoy. Any Malfoy. From now on I will do everything I can to bring our confrontations with him to the minimum. I don’t want to deal with them, neither of them. I’m going to keep quite. I won’t be wandering after curfew looking for troubles. I don’t want to be caught by Snape and… No I don’t want that. And I will study to the maximum, but not straight away. Let it sink in slowly. I don’t want them to think that something happened. I don’t want them to think I’ve somehow changed. I don’t want anyone to look for reasons. No, let them think that I finally decided to learn something. And that is true whatever the reason. Not that I haven’t already learnt enough. Especially last night… Stop it. Take a deep breath. Concentrate. Forget him. I’ll show them that I have brains in the right place and Hermione will help me there. Did I just talk to myself? I must be losing my mind. It’s all because of him. NO!

I will forget. I will forget whatever the cost. And if I have to become a book obsessed monster like Hermione then so be it. It’s not like it brought her any harm. And maybe if I paid more attention to studying before I wouldn’t have ended up where and with whom I did. Maybe if I wasn’t stupid enough I’d find a way out. But what’s done is done. I can’t change anything about it. But I can change myself, my life, my grades, my attitude and I will forget Lucius bloody Malfoy. I will. Yes. I will. Forget.

And with that thought Harry proceeded with his belated search for knowledge.

He returned to Gryffindor Tower shrinking some of the books and placing them in his pockets strictly before the curfew and found a curious picture waiting for him. On the usual spot in front of the fire where Ron, Hermione and he used to sit was now sitting Hermione totally captivated by something Neville was telling her. “Interesting,” thought Harry, “Hermione and Neville. I didn’t see it coming.” Then he noticed Ron and Dean playing chess with no sign of Seamus, which was just fine with Harry. He still wasn’t in the mood to accept an exuberant Irish boy.

Ron didn’t seem to notice the arrival of his best friend until Dean kicked him under the table and indicated Harry’s figure that was just passing by their table. Ron made to stand up but Harry’s strong hand stopped him in mid motion. Shaking his head Harry quietly said:

“Not now Ron.”

Ron didn’t seem to protest much, if at all, and went back to his game prodding rather confused Dean to continue.

“That’s the only thing you’re good at anyway. I’m sure that’s the only thing you did the whole day. I wonder if you even looked for me? No, I suppose not. Why bother? You’re just my friend.” Harry thought bitterly and bracing himself walked towards Hermione and Neville playing out different scenarios as to how to approach the problem at hand.

Hermione was only too aware of Harry’s presence when he entered the room and she was sure that he would join Ron. Ron whom she hardly saw all through the day. At first she thought that they were somewhere together spending the joyous time while she was hurting. But then Ron came back and the only thing he asked was if she had seen Harry because he missed Quidditch practice. When she answered negatively Ron just shrugged and instead of sitting beside her and saying something as friends were supposed to walked to the other side of the room and started playing chess with Dean. That’s what he did pretty much all through the day.

Actually Ron was acting very odd. He didn’t go looking for either Harry or Hermione. He decided that whatever happened would eventually be solved and that he couldn’t do anything about it at all. He decided to stay away from both of them for the whole day and when Harry didn’t show up he assumed that he was just sulking somewhere and why bother. But inside he felt somewhat happy. For quite some time now he was sure that Harry and Hermione were dating. He couldn’t really place it or explain it. It’s not like they spend time away from him. No. They were always together the three of them. But while staying together he couldn’t help but feeling that Harry and Hermione were somehow closer to each other and their mutual closeness or whatever it was somehow rejected him. It felt in the air between them, it was as if they discovered something about each other and now shared some kind of common secret leaving Ron behind. And Ron couldn’t help but feel jealous by this closeness. They often held hands, or Harry would put his head on Hermione’s lap, or Hermione would lean against him. It’s seemed they were happy and didn’t need Ron. That’s why now when they had this fight and probably broke up if they even dated (though Ron didn’t doubt that) he felt pretty good because he thought that everything would be normal again. And personally he thought that Hermione should have dated him in the first place. And Harry in his opinion always got everywhere first.

So left by Ron for the time being crying over her hypothetical ex-boyfriend Hermione suddenly found herself in the company of Neville. After he returned to the Common Room he spotted her sitting by the fire crying. He walked around her for quite some time until he finally cracked and told still crying Hermione that he just wanted to find out how he could help her and Harry to make up and Hermione who stopped crying for a moment couldn’t take talking about Harry and burst into tears again. Summoning up all his courage and turning bead red Neville awkwardly inched closer and hugged her. After sometime Hermione finally calmed down and to her great amazement found out that Neville could be quite a nice conversationalist if he went out of his forever present embarrassment and stutter. And now his wish to make Hermione feel better was so intense that he overcame it quickly enough making her laugh at the stories about his granny which in her opinion were absolutely hilarious.

When Hermione saw that Harry was going their way she immediately tensed up not entirely sure as to what Harry would do. When he was standing towering above her she looked up at him.

Harry cleared his throat:

“Neville, do you mind leaving us for a moment?”

Neville looked at Harry then at Hermione and apparently having second thoughts about what he was about to do he said:

“Harry, if you will hurt her…” he clenched his plump fists and started shaking a little.

This reaction startled Hermione and made her blush while Harry was very much amused by Neville’s attempts at being intimidating and smiling said:

“I won’t hurt her Neville. Hermione is my friend”

Neville nodded, looked at Hermione once more who shyly smiled back and went to where Ron and Dean were still playing.

Harry sat down beside Hermione and tried to take her hand in his own when she whisked it away.

“I see.” thought Harry “Still hurt. Still angry. Well, let’s proceed with the plan B than.”

Without warning Harry was standing on his knees in front of utterly astonished Hermione.

“Mione, I want to apologize for my behavior this morning. I never meant to hurt you. But last night wasn’t the best in my life and I just needed to vent it all out. I am truly sorry that it was you who got that unfortunate blast. But I never ever meant to hurt you. Will you forgive me and be my best friend as you always were?”

Huge puppy-dog eyes, nervous biting of the lip, fidgeting of hands made for a remarkable picture and who was Hermione to cruelly reject her best friend when he looked so downcast and unhappy seeking her forgiveness.

“Oh, Harry,” she cried taking his hands in her own.

Harry calmed himself down beforehand so as not to flinch from the touch.

“Of course I will forgive you. I couldn’t possibly stand not being your friend anymore. But please tell me what happened. You were like a completely different person. Like I’ve never known you before. So distant and cold…” her voice started shaking and Harry sat down on the sofa cradling her against his chest saying his new mantra “She is your friend. Her touch won’t hurt you. Don’t be a coward.” The third part of the mantra was the most efficient so far. Somehow Harry believed that any touch would easily hurt him right now.

If only Lucius could see what a nice cuddly couple they made together sitting on the sofa before the fire like that the power of his jealousy only would blow the whole castle to tiny pieces.

“To tell you what happened,” thought Harry, “Well, I don’t think you’ll like the chronicles of real events. I must admit I don’t like them either that’s why will opt for a made up story and blame Snape for everything. After all it is his fault. If he wasn’t such a bastard and at least let me have my wand…Now stop it.”

Sighing heavily and putting his head on Hermione’s lap Harry started his story:

“It all started with his usual remarks on my insolence, my unimportance no matter what every one else tells me, my low grades, though I don’t consider them that low as he pictures them, my inaptitude, my uselessness blah, blah, blah. You know, that I am worthless and good for nothing just like my father and godfather. I wonder that he always forgets that they were of great use and importance during the war. Both of them actually.”

Hermione giggled:

“But you didn’t tell him that.”

“No, I allowed him to continue to put me down.”

“Oh, Harry…”

“Yes. How stupid I am, and how big-headed I am because of all the Quidditch matches I won. I think he will never get over the fact that our House took the victory away from his house time and time again.

It made Hermione giggle again:

“He was in a bad mood yesterday.

“Maybe. But I wouldn’t know. He’s always like that. And he said that the only reason why I won all those matches was because I have an excellent broom and that my skills are almost below average. Can you imagine that!”

Now it made Hermione laugh out:

“Poor, baby Harry. You were in for a tough night.”

“You have no idea” thought Harry shivering inside.

“And he finished his speech telling me that without all my entourage, without my fan clubs in every part of the castle and without Dumbledore to back me up I am nothing. Doesn’t he know the muggle expression that it’s the retinue that makes the king and not the other way round? Anyway it really got me this time. You know he sounded so much like my relatives. And I…”

“Harry you didn’t…”

“Do anything drastic?”

Hermione nodded apprehensively.

“No, I absorbed everything in behaving like a model student. And it seemed to really set him off that he failed to bait me and take away points. Though he could of course and I don’t know why he didn’t try. It’s not like anything stopped him before. But he left taking away my wand and producing hundreds of ugly cauldrons I had to clean with my hands until midnight.”

Hermione looked at him in horror.

“You stayed there till midnight?!” she shrieked.

“See, that’s why I was in such a bad mood this morning.”

“Yes but why weren’t you asleep…” she trailed of, “You must have been really tired…and when I came in you were already in the shower.” inquired Hermione.

“Yes I was tired. So tired that I couldn’t even close my eyes. So I sat in my bed thinking about all he’d told me. And I decided to show him that I am worth something and that I can do better than cleaning his dirty cauldrons.”

“How?”

“But I need your help, Mione” said Harry as if not hearing her question devotedly looking her in the eyes.

“Of course I will help you. But what exactly do you have in mind? I hope it’s nothing illegal. Because, Harry you know I won’t be…”

Harry shook his head.

“No, no Mione nothing like that. It’s just that…” more fidgeting, “Maybe it’s already too late. But you know…that’s the only way I can prove to him and even myself…” the look of total trepidation crossing his face.

“Harry…?”

Hermione was getting nervous and she couldn’t understand what Harry wanted.

“Late for what exactly?”

“Well, I was wondering if you would help me with my schoolwork.” blurted out Harry at last.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yes but did I hear you right? You want me to help you with your schoolwork?”

Harry sighed heavily:

“I knew it was already too late…”

“No, Harry, it’s never too late to study and to learn.” stated Hermione in a lecture like tone putting her hand on Harry’s shoulder while Harry was taking in long calming breaths of air. “She won’t hurt you. She’s your friend. She just comforts you. She wants to help.” repeating all over again.

“Oh yes Mione leave it to you to quote the wisdom of the world.” thought Harry after some time chuckling inside. The plan was working just great. She believed him without a second thought. She wouldn’t find out. No one would.

“So…” he asked pretending to be waiting for her answer with anticipation, “Will you help me?”

“Of course I will Harry. I’m just surprised. But it’s wonderful! You’ll find out it’s really interesting…”

He smiled at her releasing a breath of relief.

“Yes, I already did.” said Harry under his breath.

“But, Harry, you’ll have to spend a lot of time with me either here or in the library…”

“I understand that much. But I really need to do it. You see. I need Snape to see. Not that he will pay attention anyway. And I’ll still be getting bad marks in his class.”

“Oh, no Harry. If you will work hard he won’t have a reason to put you bad marks. I’m so happy for you! If only Ron had the same brainwave. You know he spent the whole day playing chess… I wish he could get a detention from Snape as well than maybe he would have the same idea. Look how it helped you in knowing what you really want and need in your future life.”

While Hermione went on and on about Ron, his irresponsibility and lack of desire to think about future Harry let her talk as much as she wanted thinking only how good the first stage of his plan worked. Now all he had to do was to bury himself in the library and forget about the outside world.

When he went to bed later that night after discussing with Hermione their early rise and scheduling what they were going to do tomorrow while Harry played the role of a scared first year he couldn’t help but congratulate himself on his acting skills.

Before leaving though he took her hands in his own to make sure that he still was here, that he was real, some old part of him still lingered in. He kissed her softly on the cheek and whispered:

“I love you, Mione. You know that right?”

“I know it Harry and I love you too and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Now go to bed we are going to have a busy day tomorrow. But I promise I’ll try not to overload you too much.”

“Yes, mam!” Harry saluted mockingly.

While sharing their conversation both of them failed to notice Ron’s resentful expression. When he saw that they were parting and kissing goodnight he couldn’t take watching them again being so happy with each other any longer and raced towards the dorm. He quickly got into bed and pretended to be asleep.

Soon after Ron’s flight Harry entered the dorm. He didn’t notice when exactly Ron and everybody else left the Common Room leaving him and Hermione all alone but right now he didn’t really care. Tomorrow he had to pretend that he still loathed the idea of spending all the time studying but that he was determined not to stop. Hermione would believe him along with everybody else and than life will go on as if nothing changed.

When his head hit the pillow he thought in wonderment at his own actions:

“Is this really me? Did I always have it in me? Or is that what one unfortunate encounter with Lucius Malfoy did to me?”

And he fell asleep still thinking about Lucius.