The Phantom of Idiocy

Having finished dinner, Hermione makes a few hasty excuses to Ron and Harry and runs off to the Astronomy Tower. There she contemplates the death of her poor, poor dentist parents.

\"Oh Mama, oh Papa…what would you say if you were here today? What would you say about my sexy, sultry potions master?\"

The cold chill of the wind blowing through the trees is the only response to her heartfelt question.

Hermione thinks back to a musical that has always helped her when she is feeling low. The Phantom of the Opera, with its gorgeous music and totally feasible plot line, has always been a show she could take and relate back to her own life.

Tentatively at first, but growing in passion, Hermione sings her favorite song from the show.

\"You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered.\"

By coincidence, yet again, Severus Snape is wandering through the halls and pauses when he hears this glorious singing. That voice! It calls to me! Almost as if…it speaks my name! He inches towards the entrance to the Astronomy Tower and peers around the corner, only to see his love once again stripped of most of her clothing and belting the words out into the freezing air.

\"You were once a friend and father, then my world was shattered…

WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN….\"

Hermione’s passion absolutely overwhelms Severus and he finds himself with yet another hard on. Oh great, he rolls his eyes in annoyance.

Coming down from her great exertion, Hermione prepares herself to leave the tower. Snape, startled, trips and falls into the entrance. Hermione gasps in shock as the potions master straightens himself up and places his usual expression of cold contempt on his face.

\"Singing…in the tower…What the hell were you thinking? I’ve seen some pretty lame things happen in late hours out of bed, but this takes the cake.\"

Hermione, unable to argue, simply smiles sheepishly. Snape, softened by her embarrassment, mumbles, \"Even if you do have a…tolerable…singing voice.\"

Hermione begins to look slightly more comfortable. Thrown off by this, Snape screams, \"If by tolerable I meant CRAP! I’ll see you in detention, you lovesick slut! What motivated you to sing anyway? No doubt Potter is wooing you into a romantic whimsy of singing compassion.\"

\"Actually, sir, I was singing to attempt to cope with the death of my poor…dentist…parents.\" At this, she bursts into frightful tears.

Snape is aghast, unable to speak. \"There, there,\" he says, placing one finger on her shoulder. He shudders immediately at the sickening human contact. Shuddering into violent convulsions, he retreats to the dungeons.

******Meanwhile********


Harry and Ron are sitting in their two favourite armchairs in Gryffindor tower. \"Oy mate,\" Harry says, \"Where did Hermione say she was going again?\"

\"The library, mate, as always,\" Ron responds.

\"Oh right, that’s why we’re not doing our homework,\" Harry comments. There is a pause. \"Oy Ron, don’t you think it’s odd how much time Hermione spends in the library? I mean she was there all day.\"

\"Harry, mate,\" Ron says, \"It’s Hermione. Why are you so surprised by this?\"

\"I don’t know, mate…I just have this funny feeling…\" At the same moment that Snape’s finger makes contact with Hermione in the Astronomy Tower, Harry’s scar begins to burn like the eternal flames of hell and he throws himself to the ground in agony, convulsing.

\"Oy mate, you alright there?\" Ron asks casually. When Harry responds with a terrible gagging noise, Ron mutters, \"Stop being such a drama queen,\" and wags a finger at him.

Dean Thomas happens to walk by and mutters under his breath, \"God, they are so gay.\"