A Reason To Be

“It was an excellent match today, Draco. Care for a Milk dud?” Albus commented as the two sat in his office.

“I did not see much of it; I was too busy looking for the Snitch.” Draco replied grumpily, reaching across the desk and taking the proffered Muggle candy. Draco was not happy about the season’s first Quidditch match. It had been Gryffindor versus Slytherin and it had not been Slytherin house that took the victory. Harry and caught the Snitch as it fluttered just out of Draco’s reach.

“And he snatched it right out of my grasp!” Draco vented. He tossed a few pieces of candy in his mouth and chewed them angrily. Dumbledore pondered Draco’s last statement and then added with a laughing tone.

“He snatched the Snitch.” Albus crowed teasingly. Draco was not amused; he shot a nasty glare at his guardian, which didn’t seem to faze him in the slightest. In truth, he had not come up to Dumbledore’s office to discuss his defeat earlier that day. Something else was bothering him. It had been eating away at him for sometime now and Draco had had enough of it. Of course Albus knew this, but he wasn’t going to press the matter. He was amused but also very glad that Draco had decided to make use of his guardian’s knowledge of life. It made him feel extremely fatherly. It was a long while before Draco said anything; he just sat in the comfy chair Dumbledore had provided him and looked around the room, avoiding the gaze of the old man. He really didn’t know how to explain his problem. He was sure that whatever came out of his mouth would sound incredibly stupid.

“Alright Albus, listen. I want your opinion on something. If you know me at all you know how painful it is to my ego to even consider coming to talk to you. Which of course it goes without saying that I will kill you and anyone you tell about this.” Draco finally forced out. He looked up and found Dumbledore sitting quietly, hands folded in his lap, listening intently. Draco sighed heavily and began his rant.

“I feel like the world has been turned upside down! I know why my parents are in prison. I understand that perfectly. What they were doing was wrong, but I only now can say that. For my entire life I knew that other people thought that what my father did was wrong, but that meant nothing. It was what the Malfoy family did. We were better than everyone; the same rules did not apply to my family. I lived perfectly happily that way. But now…” Draco trailed off. He didn’t like this feeling he had. It was always in his gut now, it never left him alone.

“Now your way of life is gone.” Albus added softly.

“It’s like I have worn a blindfold for my entire life, but never knew it. I was blissfully ignorant with that blindfold on. And now it’s off and I am slowly realizing that all I have ever seen in my life is dark. I have seen the things my family has done and before I thought it was alright, but now I realize the things I have seen are…” Draco spoke so fast then stopped as quickly as he had started. He leaned against Dumbledore’s desk with his head in his hands.

“Is that what you dream about, Draco?” Albus asked gently. Draco nodded slightly.

“I have seen horrible things…I have done horrible things. Things I can never tell you or anyone. And it’s only been recently that realized how horrible they are. Is it because my parents are gone? Is that why this is happening!?!?” Draco asked Albus desperately. He didn’t know what was happening in his head or why it was happening at all.

“It is a possibility. In some respects you have led a very sheltered life Draco, Everything you were told has now been proven false. I cannot imagine what you are feeling.” Dumbledore offered to his charge.

“That’s the problem!! I feel too god-damn much!! My father would have beaten the hell out of me for this!!” Draco shouted angrily. Anger surged through him. Draco shot up out of his share and grabbed the nearest thing on the desk, which happened to by a bottle of ink and hurled it across the room.

“MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS!!” Draco screamed at no one in particular. He flopped back down in his chair panting as he watch the ink drip down one of Dumbledore’s bookcases. Worry lines had creased Albus’ forehead as he had watched the display before him. He truly did feel sympathy for Draco. ‘Everything he has ever known has crumbled away and all he sees now is the truth. The truth about what a wretched life he has led up until now.’ Dumbledore thought as he walked around his desk and stood beside the blonde young man. He watched as Draco squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, as if that would drive all of it out of his head.

“What is this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach? Why won’t it go away?” Draco asked in an exhausted voice. All that emotion he let spill out had really drained him of any energy he had had. The two sat there in silence for a few minutes until finally Draco looked up at the man who had placed his hand on the young man’s shoulder.

“That, dear boy, is remorse. And I don’t know when it will go away.”


Draco walked shuffled up slowly to Antoinette’s portrait and looked up at the pretty, young girl. She stopped dancing to look down and smiled brightly.

“Bonjour Draco.”* She greeted him cheerfully. Antoinette had heard about his defeat in Quidditch that day, but thought she would try and cheer the young man up.

“Antoinette…” Draco acknowledged the ballerina quietly.

“J\'ai obtenu les poussoirs nouveaux aujourd\'hui, j\'ai attendu tellement longtemps eux! Don\'t qu\'ils regardent assez?”** Antoinette launched into conversation immediately. Draco wasn’t biting though; he raised his hand and waved as if to quiet it.

“Ils sont beaux. Sentir bien d\'I don\'t ce soir ainsi je devrai remettre notre peu causerie jusqu\'à demain.”*** Draco explained in a tired voice, shoving his hands in his pockets. Antoinette’s smile disappeared and was replaced with a look of pity.

“Ah! Je suis désolé. Vais obtiens un certain repos, je suis sûr que vous vous sentirez bien mieux le matin.”**** Antoinette said pleasantly. She did not ask for the password at this particular time. She knew he did not feel well so she just swung open and gestured for him to walk right in. Draco looked up and forced a rather pathetic smile.

“Merci. Bonne nuit.”***** Draco thanked her softly and stepped through the threshold.

“Bonne nuit.”****** Antoinette called after him.



* - Hello Draco.
** - I got brand new slippers today; I waited so long for them! Don’t they look pretty?
*** - They are lovely. I don’t feel well tonight so I’ll have to postpone our little chat until tomorrow.
**** - Oh! I am sorry! Go get some rest, you will feel much better in the morning.

***** - Thank you. Goodnight.
****** - Goodnight.